Why doesn’t a child share toys - what to do and how to teach a child to share

When a baby refuses to share his toys, this displeases most parents. Adults become ashamed of their child’s behavior, they begin to reproach him, call him “greedy beef” and even punish him. Is it really bad not to share toys? How to cultivate generosity and respect for others in a little person?

Why are children greedy?

Oddly enough, greed is a normal quality of toddlers. At 2-3 years old, the baby often begins to say “this is mine”, “give it to me”. This makes parents sad. In the park you can often see a mother scolding her child for not sharing the car with his peer.

Reproaches and phrases like “you are doing badly, they won’t share it with you either” only cause the baby to cry. As a result, his toy is forcibly taken away and given to another. In such a situation, it is strange that a mother comes to the defense of someone else’s child and does not realize how much she offends her own.

Psychologists explain that a two-year-old toddler awakens to a sense of his own “I.” He slowly begins to realize that he exists and there is a big world around him. The baby perceives everything that belongs to him as part of himself. Therefore, in a situation when someone encroaches on his toy, the child simply protects the boundaries of his personal space.

If someone asks you for something that you value, would you give it to another person? Will being accused of greed affect your decision? Of course not. Imagine how your child feels when he is forced to share something. It is important for parents to understand that toys given to a child are perceived by him as personal property. He has the right to do with them as he wants. It would be strange if someone told us that we should share our mobile phone, wallet, computer, favorite cup, jewelry, car with other people, or we are greedy! Sounds funny.

For a child, his personal toys are the same value as our personal belongings are for us. He, just like an adult, has the right not to want to share his personal belongings with other people, including members of his family. This right must and is very important to respect.

The understanding that there is something “alien” comes a little later than the awareness of one’s “I”. That is why kids fiercely guard their own toys, but calmly take them from other children. This behavior is normal and only indicates that the child is developing. He just needs help to learn generosity faster.

Read also: My child is greedy - what should I do? Fight or accept? Causes of children's greed

Are you trying your best to teach your child not to be greedy, but he flatly refuses to share toys on the playground, and responds to any request to share with hysterics? In the video, together with psychologist Victoria Lyuborevich-Torkhova, we will identify five phrases that will help a child not be greedy:

Typical mistakes of parents

If there are several children in a family, parents often insist that the elders share everything with the younger ones. This approach causes jealousy in children. Older children begin to think that mom and dad love them more - their younger brothers and sisters.

To avoid offending your own child, try to avoid typical mistakes that parents make. The following rules will help:

Do not reproach your child for greed and bad behavior. You bought toys for your baby, let him decide what to do with them.
Do not forcefully take away a toy to give to another child. Your baby will regard this as a betrayal.
Do not ask for forgiveness from the mother of a child who is begging something from your son or daughter. Your child is not obligated to do anything for others.
Don't let others tell you that your baby is greedy.
Don't make your child feel guilty. You should not make your baby feel guilty because another child is crying. In this situation, the owner of the toy is not to blame for anything. But the mother just has to explain to the other baby that there are their own toys and there are strangers that belong to other children.
Do not forbid your child to take his toys from other children, but explain that he does this without using force. If this doesn’t work, ask the baby’s mother to take the toy herself and give it to you.

If you cannot do without lectures, condemn not the child, but his behavior. The words “greedy-beef” hurt the baby. Explain to him that hurting other children is bad.

The baby is very attached to his toys. If you take them away and demonstratively pass them on to other kids, the little person will develop a painful sense of ownership. When he grows up, he will continue to be greedy. Some psychologists argue that refusal to share a toy is a hidden children's fear of losing their mother. Moreover, she should not scold the child, because this will cause him serious injury.

Parents' mistakes

Often young mothers and fathers begin to behave incorrectly in such situations, which can affect the mental state of their child. Parents need to know what mistakes they should not make:

Do not shout or scold your baby under any circumstances, especially in the presence of other children and their parents. The child does not understand why the person closest to him raises his voice at him, and why he forces him to give away his stuffed hare, to which he is attached with all his soul.
Don't force toys out of your baby's hands. By doing this you are actually betraying your own child. He will remember that mom forcibly took away the toy, and then this may negatively affect your future relationship.
Other parents have no right to scold your son or daughter. They must resolve all issues exclusively with you, and only you can convey information to your child.
You don't have to worry about what other parents will think of you. Don't apologize for not giving your child his toy. This is his property, and he disposes of it as he wants.

Your child is the best and you should always be on his side.

It is very difficult for kids to understand why they should give their toy to someone else's boy or girl. Talk to your little one more often, show by your own example how to share, explain, but under no circumstances scold or shame him if he does things his own way.

How to teach a child to share?

It will not be possible to quickly instill in a child such qualities as generosity and respect. To do this, you need to stock up on considerable patience. Try to explain to your child that the toy is not being taken away from him forever, but only for a while. Try these techniques:

Exchange. Let the kid give away his car for a while, and in return receive from the neighbor boy a pistol that he has liked for a long time;
Sequence. If two children have their eyes on the same toy, set a schedule and control the play process from start to finish: one child plays for half an hour, the next half an hour for the second;
The toy is not taken away forever. Try to convey to the child that the toy is not taken away, but only for a while, to play;
The toy will not break. Explain to your child that if a neighbor’s boy plays with his favorite car, it will not be damaged and will return to you safe and sound;
They may not share it with you either. Tell them that other children may not have something interesting to share. You just need to talk about this without reproach and in a positive way;
Sucker Punch. Offer your child something tasty for sharing his toy. This is a bribe that devalues friendship. However, in a situation where both kids are throwing a tantrum, this method may work.

If you want something from your child, talk to him gently, without voicing complaints. It often happens that it is enough to simply politely ask the child to give him his toy. Many parents in such a situation begin to get angry and force the child to do as they say. This results in loud crying and resentment.

Tell your child that playing with other children is more fun than playing alone. Invite him to divide something among all family members: give each one a cookie or an apple. If your child manages to share, be sure to praise him for his generosity; if not, don’t scold him. Read him fairy tales about greed, show him cartoons (below is an example of a cartoon).

Be a worthy example. A child learns all the most important things from loved ones, even if adults don’t notice it! If you are generous with your friends and parents, chances are your baby will be eager to share things too.

Refusing to share toys is not a sign of greed or bad character. These are just features of age. When the baby grows up and makes friends, he will happily begin to share and exchange his toys with them.

We also read:

Should a child share toys?
How to raise a child to be generous?

conclusions

Be calm and understanding that your children do not want to share toys with each other. This is normal and does not mean that there is anything wrong with children. Each child should have their own personal belongings and the opportunity to dispose of them at their own discretion.

Children need to be taught to ask permission to play with another child’s toys, to negotiate, to exchange toys, but also to respect the other’s right to refuse. In a word, be polite and respect the boundaries of another person, regardless of his age, gender and other qualities.

Also watch the video by Ekaterina Kes “Should a child share?”

PS If you liked this article, please share it with your friends by clicking on the social media buttons on the left. And, as always, I welcome your comments and questions below.

Ekaterina Kes, child and family psychologist. My Instagram

From the forums

Girls, who can advise how to behave when a 3-year-old child does not want to share toys on the street with other children, as soon as he sees that someone else is going into the sandbox, collecting all his trinkets for himself in a pile, and strangers wants to take them to play, they give him a he doesn't want to share. I’m tired of explaining that you need to share, that the kids won’t be friends with you, etc. – it doesn’t help. He shares with me and dad. What to do?

>>> this is a period, don’t worry, just explain that you don’t give and they won’t give it to you. These are his personal belongings - he has the right not to give them. Mine is the same, I taught him to change, but he doesn’t just give it, only in exchange, which is already progress)))

>>> Everything needs to be taught, convinced, told, including by example. Don't worry, your persuasion is not going anywhere, all norms of behavior are formed gradually. Try cartoons (for example, “We shared an orange...”, etc.), games, made-up stories, fairy tales, about good children (whatever your imagination allows). Learn to react correctly (without aggression). You don’t always need to just “give”, you can “change.” Convince with correct, positive phrases “you give and they will give to you.” Everything will come with time, be patient, persistent, try without ultimatums and punishments.

>>to all mothers: STOP BREAKING YOUR CHILDREN!!!! Before you teach or unlearn something, ask a psychologist about the consequences in the future. You can only suggest: when you’ve had enough of playing or when you want, we’ll let someone else play. But he must know that this is him and no one will take him away, but his mother, who is everything for him, will support him!

>>> It seems to me that you need to take with you toys that are good to play together - a ball, two cars for playing catch, colored crayons (two sets) ... The baby needs to understand the beauty of group play. While he still does not see the advantages of that someone is playing with his toys. I would also tell a fairy tale about some boy (not your child’s name only) who didn’t want to share with anyone, and then he really needed (well, for example, a telephone, to call his mother) But no one gave him one, because they remembered how greedy he was. And then, for a happy ending, some kind girl needed to save him and he understood everything and began to share with all the children. I re-invented so many fairy tales for my Polina as she grew older)))) This is a very good method!

Reasons for this behavior

It is necessary to understand that toys for a baby are the most valuable thing he has, especially his favorite ones. When a toddler is going for a walk, he, first of all, takes with him those toys with which he most often plays. Therefore, it is not surprising that the child does not want to part with his things.
Children under two years of age may feel that, having given a toy to another child, he simply will not return it.
Very often, a child of two or three years old treats his favorite thing as if it were a part of himself. Naturally, he does not want to be separated from this object.
There is also a known case when a child voluntarily shares with one child, but does not want to share with another. This is due to the personal hostility of the baby.
You also need to be prepared for the fact that your little one will like another child’s toy. Unfortunately, the situation may turn out to be such that your child tries to take away the item he likes by force.

Recommendations

Parents should take into account that toddlers up to two and sometimes three years of age do not realize that they need to share their things with other kids. Therefore, you should not scold them for this.
Show your child by example how to share something.
Sometimes it's better to just hide the toy from both children.
Try not to take your little one’s favorite toys with you if you know that you will be going to a playground where there will be many other children.
If your baby himself is not averse to taking a toy from another child, teach him that he needs to ask politely and not take it by force. Also tell him that there is no need to be upset and cry if he is refused.
Don't forget to praise your baby every time your baby shows his generosity by offering his toy to another.
It is important not to panic and remain calm in any situation.
You shouldn’t take a new toy outside; your little one hasn’t had time to play with it yet and won’t share it with anyone.
You can specifically take with you a toy that your baby doesn’t really like to play with. It can be offered to another child when the need arises.
Do not impose on your child that he must share with others, and do not call him greedy. You can read fairy tales on this topic or watch a cartoon, and then talk about the hero’s behavior.
You can invite your child to share candy or berries among family members.

It is important to understand that your baby is not a pathological greedy and selfish person. The child simply has not yet learned to share, and children under three years old do not even understand why this needs to be done. Remember that you cannot scold your child and put too much pressure on him in the desire to quickly make your little one generous, but also do not forget to praise him if the child himself decides to share something. The main thing is don't panic, everything will be fine.