Two-year-old crisis: How to stop a tantrum

Adults express emotions with words and facial expressions, but a newborn has to shout or cry about any changes in his condition: after all, he does not yet know how to talk. Anyone who is constantly near the baby (usually a mother or a nanny) must learn to distinguish by the nature of the “sound signals” emitted by the child, what exactly is bothering him at this moment and how to help him cope with the problem. How and what the reason “sounds” can be recognized if you show a little attention and sensitivity to the baby.

What does a newborn cry like?

Like all children, your child is unique. He eats, sleeps, reacts to stimuli in his own way - and he will also calm down in his own way. Despite all the variety of individual manifestations, the nature of the crying of newborns is the same.

• Invitational crying - the child screams for 5 - 6 seconds, then pauses for 20 - 30 seconds, when attention is distracted or waiting for the result, then screams again for about 10 seconds and calms down again for 20 - 30 seconds. This cycle is repeated several times, with the period gradually increasing until the crying becomes continuous;
• Hungry crying begins with an inviting cry. If the mother came up and took the baby in her arms, but did not offer the breast, then the crying turns into an angry cry, which is combined with “searching” movements of the head, and at this moment the child becomes silent. If she still does not breastfeed, then the demanding crying turns into furious crying with choking. The baby can put his fist in his mouth, make sucking movements with his lips and tongue, turn his head in search of the mother’s breast or pacifier;
• Crying in pain is crying with a hint of suffering and hopelessness. This is a fairly even, incessant cry, during which bursts of desperate screams occur, apparently corresponding to an increase in pain. If you did not approach the child when he was screaming “invitingly”, and he began to cry, then by the way he cries, you can guess the reason for the crying in order to quickly calm the baby down.

Children's hysteria: how to calm a child in 2 minutes

Hello, today we will talk about children's tantrums. Almost every parent has faced this, but only a few have coped with it. We'll talk about their reasons and what parents need to do in order to stop their child's tantrums in a matter of minutes.

Psychologist, creator of the First Children's Academy and the School of Professional Parents, business coach and mother of four children (shared with her husband), Marina Romanenko talks about the true reasons for a child's hysteria and how to stop a child's tantrum in 2 minutes at any age.

What is hysteria? Causes

I think you don’t need to look in a reference book to understand the definition of hysteria. All parents have encountered the situation when their children begin to cry loudly, fall to the floor and do not hear a single reasonable argument, and this can be called hysteria, and this happens at very different ages: at one year old, at 2, and at 10. years. And the reasons for hysterics, as a rule (now I’ll tell my parents what they don’t want to hear) is when we ignore them. And when children, perhaps, came up to us once, twice or three times, asked us something, or looked at us, or tugged at us, and we did not react to them, they choose ways to which we will have to react and, as a rule, - it's crying, falling, something to which we simply have to react.

At what age do tantrums begin?

You may encounter the fact that your child will begin to become hysterical even before he is literally a year old, but the peak, if you take all the children in the world, is one and a half to two years. This is the moment when they do it often, with pleasure and effectively. And it is very important to understand how to react to this correctly, so that in a matter of minutes you can simply localize it and change the child’s behavior so that he does not have to resort to this constantly.

Read also: 2 types of hysterics in children (hysterics of the upper and lower brain) and the correct reaction of parents

What to do to stop the hysteria?

There is a simple, universal algorithm that will work with any age that will allow you to stop your child's tantrum in less than 2 minutes. It consists of only five points.

1. “React” After you hear the child crying, quickly turn your head in the direction where he is crying. Talking is prohibited.
2. “Join” If he is right in front of your feet, then go down to him or if he is a few steps away, walk up to him. Talking is prohibited.
3. “Situation Analysis” Look at your child’s facial expression. He may cry for various reasons. He may be angry, desperate, that he can’t get through to you, upset about something, you take this emotion from his face and ask him - “Are you upset? You're angry? Did something not work out for you?” And this will be a “bridge” that will allow your child to either nod back at you or disagree with you, but you have already turned it on. And if you did this, go to the next point - the fourth.
4. “Deep analysis of the situation” And here you need to understand the reason - what happened?! You may be thinking one thing, but your child may have something completely different in his head. Just ask - “What happened? Tell. I want to know, I want to help, or tell me what you want.” And the children begin to interact with you. It is very important here not to evaluate what they say, not to criticize and not to immediately try to give advice that they need to do something differently. Just listen. Just ask the next question – “Anything else?” When your child speaks out, move on to point five.
5. “Answer the child” You may not agree that he asked you for candy, lollipop, I don’t know, an iPhone, because everyone in the class bought it. If you don’t agree with him, tell them honestly – “I don’t plan to do this to you, I understand you, but I don’t plan. Because, because, because. Sorry." If you agree, then say, “Oh my God, thank you for telling me, now I understand exactly what to do. Come on, let's go do this."

Read also: How to deal with children's hysteria: advice from a psychologist

How to understand a child who cannot speak?

There is one very important point here. So, if the child is not talking yet and is hysterical, try to offer him answer options - “Do you want this?” Show specifically, don’t ask, but point to some object, food or what he wants. “Either this or that—show me.” And even a small child of one year old will begin to show what he wants, and you will understand him more. Once you started, he responded to you, which means you included him in the conversation. Our physiology is so structured that the hysteria will subside as soon as you enter into a dialogue with your child.

Read also: 5 good reasons for a baby’s tantrum

How to prevent hysteria?

And you know, the last thing I want to say is how to prevent a child from having a tantrum in the first place. There is only one option to prevent a child from hysterics - this is to never ignore him. This does not mean that all of your time should be devoted to the child. This simply means that if you hear him and can react to him, react immediately, because you do not know how important it is for him , for him, inside, on his scale of values ​​of importance, what he wants to address or say to you. If he doesn't hear back from you once, twice or three times, he will choose a method that you will still have to respond to. Therefore, react from the very beginning, and hysterics, as such, will pass altogether. You will forget what it is.

Or maybe you just don’t need to pay attention?

Many books advise parents to ignore their children's behavior when they are hysterical or crying, with the idea that if you react, it will continue. But honestly, let's just think logically: if you, an adult, really, really want something, and you are ignored over and over again, you will move the world to get what you want. And your children do the same. Therefore, the only way is to start reacting to them quickly and never ignore them.

Read also: Children's hysteria in a store - how parents should react

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Reason #1: I'm hungry

Usually the mother feeds the baby 8 - 10 times a day, but the number of feedings can reach 15 - 20, including nightly breastfeeding (2 to 4 times per night). During this period, the baby needs to be fed on demand, not according to a schedule. By one month, the baby sets his own routine.

Hunger is the most common cause of newborn crying. To make sure that the baby is crying from hunger, just touch the corner of his mouth with a bent little finger: if the newborn immediately turns his head and opens his mouth, it means he is hungry.

We tell you how to feed your baby correctly here.

Reason #2: I'm uncomfortable

Children often cry because they feel uncomfortable. This kind of crying is continuous (or almost continuous), more monotonous compared to crying from hunger and is accompanied by anxiety in the child. Which can cause discomfort in a newborn

• Dirty diaper or wet diaper. In the first month of life, a baby “goes to the toilet” up to 20 times a day. With natural feeding, the child’s stool frequency is 5–6 times, and with artificial feeding — 3–4 times a day;
• Need to change position: the baby wants to roll over, and he needs your help; he will learn to roll over on his own only after a few months;
• Too tight swaddling, tight diaper, folds in diapers, small object caught in diaper or clothing (button, crumb, pebble, string);
• Too bright lighting, loud noise, not enough fresh air;
• Intestinal colic.

Tight swaddling (with straightened legs and straightened arms tightly pressed to the body), which was very common before, disrupts the natural position of the newborn, normal breathing and blood circulation, which the child “does not like.”

How to avoid problems in the future?

To correct the situation, it is not enough to simply find out what caused the riot. It is important to take measures to prevent it from happening again. And here, sometimes, just “one point” is not enough - you will have to reconsider a lot in the family structure, methods of education, behavior, etc. The tips below will help parents with this.

• Spend as much time as possible with your child. And not just “nearby”. Treat him as an equal and show your respect for his personality and needs. Involve him in your adult affairs, let him decide what to do with you. This way the baby will learn democratic behavior and the ability to find compromises. Play with him more often: in games, the child always feels like he’s in charge, so they strengthen his sense of self-worth in the family.
• Don’t be afraid to express your love for your baby: with words, hugs, care, attention. It is very important for him to feel significant, loved, good for you. The child needs this for full mental and physical development. Don't think that this is how you will raise a sissy. On the contrary: a self-confident, self-sufficient, caring, balanced person.
• Think carefully about the atmosphere that surrounds your child. Constant conflicts, aggression, scenes of cruelty (not even in your family, but somewhere in the yard) - all this can unsettle a child. Especially if he has an unstable nervous system and is very impressionable. Change the situation if possible.
• Show your child equality. Change roles with your baby from time to time: play family, but take on the role of the child, and give him the role of the adult. What will happen? The baby will demonstrate to you your behavior towards him: your manner of upbringing, intonation, system of prohibitions, etc. A very useful activity for an adult is to see yourself from the outside through the eyes of your own child.
• Develop a unified system of prohibitions in the family: what dad does not allow, neither mother nor grandmother will allow. This will not give the child room for “psychological experiments.” At the same time, prohibitions should have a clear cause-and-effect relationship for the baby (this cannot be done, because you will hurt yourself), which does not assert your totalitarian authority (I said no!), but gives the child an idea of ​​​​the limits of what is reasonable and safe. In addition, it is always important that a ban has an alternative: this is not possible, but this and that is possible. The child should feel that his opinion is taken into account and he is given freedom of choice.

The most important remedy for many children's troubles is mutual understanding with parents. If you can build a trusting relationship, calming the baby down will not be a problem, and he won’t have to be capricious. After all, there is nothing to achieve. He is already loved, understood, appreciated, supported, listened to his desires, respected as a person - with his needs and difficulties.

Democratic relationships, the ability to build a constructive dialogue with a child and find a compromise is not an easy science. But it gives the child the main feelings in his life. He is needed. His opinion is important. He is good. Does it make sense for such a child to endlessly hysteria?

Reason No. 3. I'm hot (cold)

Temperature is very important for the well-being and mood of the baby. The room in which the child is located must be maintained at a constant temperature (22–24 °C for newborns, 20–22 °C for older children). How to create a comfortable temperature

• Touch the baby's shoulders, back or wrists: if they are hot and sweaty, the baby is overheated; if they are cool, he is freezing;
• If your baby is hot, open him up, remove one layer of clothing, and change him into dry underwear;
• If your baby is cold, wrap him in a blanket, pick him up, and put him on your chest. Once your baby is warm, be sure to put on an extra layer of clothing before putting him in the crib;
• For the future: you should not wrap your child up - the baby’s clothes should be loose and breathable, made of natural fabrics, such as cotton. Children endure overheating much harder than hypothermia, and this is always worth keeping in mind when dressing your baby.

Clue! Tested for generations: we dress the baby as ourselves, plus one more layer.

Reason #4: I'm in pain

What do sharp, piercing, alarmed screams mean that do not stop even when you take the baby in your arms? They talk about the pain he is experiencing. Most often this is abdominal pain or colic. Few people manage to avoid them, but you can help your baby and reduce discomfort.

Read about how to deal with them here.

How to reduce your baby's pain

• Make sure that during feeding the baby grasps the nipple and areola - this way air will not get into the baby along with the milk (loud smacking is a sign that the baby is sucking in air along with the milk, and this should be avoided);
• If the baby is bottle-fed, feed the baby a little more slowly, the mixture should completely fill the nipple; you can use special bottles that do not allow air to pass along with food;
• After feeding, hold your baby in an upright position for 2 to 5 minutes, with his head leaning against your shoulder and his tummy pressed closely to your chest;
• Give your baby a simple massage that stimulates the removal of gases from the intestines: lay him on his back and stroke his tummy clockwise. Massage with gentle pressure on the abdomen around the navel. Mentally draw a horseshoe on your tummy, the ends of which point down. Your hand movements should follow this clockwise path;
• Place a warm (not hot) diaper or heating pad on your baby's tummy;
• Try a gas tube (available at a pharmacy). The procedure is as follows: the baby should be laid on his side, the thin end of the tube, lubricated with Vaseline, should be inserted into the anus about a centimeter, and the other should be lowered into a glass of water. If the cause of pain is gases accumulated in the intestines, then you will soon see air bubbles. Sometimes the tube stimulates stool, which also brings relief to the baby;
• Adjust your diet, try to determine which product in your diet causes colic in your baby, and try not to eat it. Cabbage, legumes, grapes, products made from yeast dough, any spicy food, caffeine, chocolate can increase colic in a child;
• Try giving your baby warm fennel tea or dill water by bottle;
• If the above measures have no effect, consult a pediatrician; if necessary, he will consider the possibility of using medications - drugs that eliminate increased gas formation, are not absorbed into the blood and do not harm the baby;
• Flatulence can be increased by an excess of lactose or a lack of the enzyme lactase. This happens when the baby receives too much “fore” milk and not enough “hind” milk. At the beginning of feeding, mother's milk is more saturated with milk sugar - lactose. It's called "front". After 10 – 15 minutes of feeding from the same breast, she begins to produce “hind” milk. It is richer in fats, which neutralize lactose and thereby reduce gas formation. Hind milk also has a calming effect and helps restless babies fall asleep.

Most newborns naturally fall asleep at the end of a feeding thanks to the soothing effects of hindmilk. When the baby grows up and sucks more effectively, it will begin to reach him within a shorter period of time after the start of feeding.

Harvey Karp Method

One of the world's most famous experts in the field of infant crying is the American doctor Harvey Karp. His books, for example, “The Happiest Baby on the Block,” are a real guide for those parents who do not know how to calm their newborn baby.

In the writings of an American pediatrician you can find the term “fourth trimester of pregnancy.” This concept covers the age from 0 to 3 months, when babies need to create conditions that would almost completely replicate the mother’s womb.

It is in conditions of cramped conditions, shaking and noisy sounds that resemble the work of the internal organs of the mother’s body that the child feels comfort and stops crying.

The five-step system includes the following techniques, which are probably familiar to many mothers.

1. Tight swaddling. The child, “shackled” in arms and legs, feels the same tightness as in the uterus. This helps to restore his feeling of security and therefore calm him down.
2. "White noise". Many newborns fall asleep well to the monotonous hum of household appliances. Such sounds copy the noise of the working organs of the mother’s body. You can turn on the hairdryer or hiss over the child’s ear yourself.
3. Side position. Children usually sleep better on their backs, but they calm down faster on their sides or tummy when their face faces slightly downward. You need to place the baby on your lap sideways, supporting the head.
4. Cautious motion sickness. Lay your baby down so that his head rests on your palms and his face looks down. You need to shake the baby rhythmically, lightly and not very sharply. This is reminiscent of the feeling that a mother had when walking.
5. Sucking. Satisfying the sucking reflex is another effective technique. The newborn is given either a breast, or a pacifier, or even his own clean finger.

It will also be useful for parents to learn how to properly swaddle a newborn. A pediatrician describes 7 different swaddling methods.

The author of the method himself convinces that one or two techniques are enough to stop crying. However, sometimes you need to apply all 5 methods sequentially.

Harvey Karp talks about how to calm a baby under 3 months old, including in the video “Your Happy Baby.” Using the example of several infants, the author demonstrates the effectiveness of the five-step system.

Reason No. 5. Malaise

It happens that crying is associated with a certain ailment of the baby (intracranial pressure, nervous system disorders, increased excitability, hypertonicity, hypotonicity, developmental pathology, physiological phenomena of the adaptation period, the onset of an infectious or cold disease, skin diseases or diaper rash, reaction to geomagnetic, atmospheric phenomena and etc.). If you cannot identify the reason for your baby’s crying, do not hesitate to consult a perinatologist: the doctor will definitely help eliminate crying associated with the disease.

The main reasons for a baby's crying

A baby’s crying is always associated with key stimuli and needs, so among the main reasons for crying are the following:

• hunger;
• thirst;
• desire to attract attention;
• pain;
• discomfort;
• fear;
• overwork;
• hypothermia;
• overheat.

At the first stages, the mother is not yet able to determine by the nature of the crying what exactly the little child needs. However, during the process of habituation, different types of crying become recognizable, since the intonation, volume and duration in each case differ from each other.

Video - How to calm your baby