It’s unlikely that any of us, imagining our future family, pictured in our imagination how he yells at his own children. But dreams and reality often diverge so far that one can only be surprised. And one day we suddenly realize that, having exhausted all available ways to reach our beloved child, we often resort to shouting.
This does not seem right to any normal parent. Raising our voice, we then worry and promise ourselves that nothing like this will ever happen again. But we fail again and again. And then we notice that children increasingly communicate with each other in a raised voice, and when talking to us they allow themselves to speak louder than we would like.
How to break out of the vicious circle?
Rule one: Understand yourself
Have you noticed a tendency to switch to ultrasound? Try to observe yourself and answer the question: “When do I scream?”
Soon you will probably be able to see some kind of system. Perhaps you only scream in the morning when the children are slowly getting ready for kindergarten or school. Or you can’t help yourself while walking, watching how clean, bright overalls turn into something unimaginable. Or do you just get torn in the evenings because you’re a classic “morning person” and by nightfall you’re completely exhausted?
Have you identified a cyclical pattern? Try to eliminate irritating factors. If it seems to you that the children are digging in the morning, wake them up a little earlier, prepare the uniform the evening before, etc. Are you upset about dirty clothes? Dress your children in simpler clothes for walks. In this way, most irritants can be eliminated or at least their impact can be reduced.
But next time you will know!
Imagine that you and your husband and friends went to a restaurant, you are having fun, you are dancing... The husband says: “That’s enough for you, let’s go home.” You don’t want to, refuse, the fun is in full swing. Girlfriends still remain, no one leaves.
And then, receiving your refusal, your husband will either hit you in the ass or in the face - for disobedience. In public. With shouts of “But next time you’ll know!”
Will this teach you to obey your husband? Will it bring you closer? Will you respect him more? Be in love?
When parents hit their children , they think they are teaching them discipline and obedience. But what they really teach is:
- humiliate the weaker;
- do not value the wishes of others;
- afraid.
And they also create a huge gap between the child and the parent, into which all the parent’s words and moral teachings fall, so it seems that “the child doesn’t hear me, I can’t reach him, only a spanking will help him, if only I could hit him in the ass once so he knows.” But it almost never ends at once, does it?
When you scream and throw up your hands , then children:
- They get used to not looking for ways to solve the problem, but simply waiting out the scandal.
- They only listen to you when you speak in a raised voice.
- They don’t feel safe with you and because of this they become nervous, disobedient, and capricious.
- And you are increasingly angry at capricious and disobedient children.
Vicious circle.
Rule two: Don't grumble
Big things start from small things. Screaming - from the habit of grumbling. Grumbling is an extremely unproductive form of behavior. We don’t like what and how children do, and we, not having the opportunity to rest, get distracted, relax, begin to “nag” them. Grumbling - dry brushwood. Sooner or later a spark will definitely hit him, and then it won’t be long before he screams.
We usually grumble about little things. Therefore, it is worth thinking about whether the scattered elements of a construction set or the prints of children's palms on a mirrored cabinet are really such a grief on the scale of Eternity? If you want to grumble irritably, console yourself with the fact that the children are growing up and everything will change soon. But will we become happier from this? After all, an empty house shining with cleanliness is not a symbol of happiness for most of us.
Consultation “How not to yell at a child: 3 tips from a psychologist that help”
Fedoryak A G
Consultation “How not to yell at a child: 3 tips from a psychologist that help”
In theory, children and parents are created to love, rejoice and enjoy the fact that we have each other. But in life all this takes on bizarre forms. And the mother yells at the child . From great love. Then he suffers from feelings of guilt, but continues to yell. But you can give up the habit of yelling at your child and stop tormenting and tormenting your child !
I’ll say right away: I don’t think I had the habit of yelling at my child . I rarely did this. But very accurate. At the same time, I don’t have a bad child , but a very good one. I was amazed that I am the editor-in-chief of a magazine for parents and I know perfectly well how bad it is to raise your voice at a child . And still sometimes I couldn’t help myself. Honestly, "sometimes"
still happens.
But much less often than before. So I’m sharing what helped me stop yelling...
I really like Buddha, but, unfortunately, I’m not him...
Therefore, advice a la “relax, don’t pay attention, smile back - and he himself will calm down, start listening to you and making you happy + peace, light, love” inspired me, but not in such a way that I could shut up at the moment when I had already lost my temper .
I was impressed by another observation from psychologists , confirmed by my own experience: Screaming does not help . The child continues to behave the same way as before the scandal. This is what made me look for something that would help me instantly pull myself together. You don't yell at your boss, even if you're unhappy with his behavior. So, you still know how to restrain your emotions! This is No. 1 on my list, since I always attributed my breakdowns to fatigue, stress and all sorts of problems with nerves. So, we all know how to restrain our emotions when we want. Only work is more important than the happiness and health of the child . Is that how it works? If you yell at your boss, they’ll fire you. If you yell at a child , he will only be unhappy when he grows up. But this is not soon yet... Do you think (like I did at one time) that chronic fatigue syndrome justifies your behavior? Unfortunately, no. And your task is to organize time and place where you could relax and unwind. Can’t afford it? And for the sake of the child ? By the way, if work is a suitable argument, and you cope with your job responsibilities, try the effectiveness of another argument, which seems quite convincing to me: Your “job”
As a parent, learn to control your emotions.
Because children copy your behavior model and will also be screaming. First as children, and then as parents. Apparently, you were shouted at as a child . Many of our parents sinned with this, seeking obedience, excellent grades, a clean room and clothes without a single spot. Remember how you felt at these moments? Do you want such emotions towards you from your children? And the reason for the conflicts? Are they really that important? Are the contradictions so insoluble? There is no escape from this fact: children who are yelled begin to yell back. And this is even in the best case! This means that the child responds to you in kind , fights, you have not crushed him yet. It's scarier when the opposite happens. If you force someone to listen to you by yelling , the child will obey those who yell at him . All life. When I had an “epiphany”
and realized this simple thing, I became so scared that the number of my screams decreased by 90%. But here’s the truth:
scream so that he listens, realizing that you are turning your own a person who obeys the one yelling at him?.
This is already somewhere beyond good and evil. Do you want to continue to destroy the child's ? But you can try just closing your mouth and breathing. Nose. Three deep breaths (not towards the baby, otherwise you’ll knock her off her feet)
.
Even if you force him to listen to you in this way, the child’s for you will fight against fear and hatred. Most often we have to yell at a child when he does not do what we think is right and necessary (or simply convenient for us)
.
Whatever it is, when we want to get something from an adult, we don't start yelling at him, right? If you always yell at friends or colleagues when you need something from them, then the problem is somewhat deeper than scandals with a child .
Talk to your child like you would your best friend, and he will do for you... not everything, but more than before. Don't be afraid of being misunderstood or looking strange: agree with your child that you stop yelling at each other . You are starting a new life in which the mother does not scream , but the child hears her . Believe me, your little angel, who sometimes has horns instead of wings, does not like being yelled at (even if he is used to this form of communication)
.
He will agree to the new rules. The main thing is that you don’t screw up. So, remember what you do when you want to ask a friend to do something for you: help or go shopping or to a cafe together? You don’t yell, you have other arguments. Because you know for sure: your goal is for your friend to want to go with you. The child may also WANT to do what is usually obtained from him by shouting, if you “wrap up”
the request nicely.
This can be either a demonstration of the benefits of fulfilling your request ( “if you clean the bed, we can invite friends to visit”
, or a competition (
“come on, who can run to the bathroom faster?”
) or a game (
“who can run on one leg?
” demonstration of progress (folding toys at speed and a joyful
“Today is 15 seconds faster!”
) or a banal request for
help ( “show me how to brush my teeth properly.”
Polite
psychologists call my method under the rough name
“earlier you sit down, earlier you leave earlier!” “sandwich"
. This is when something useful, but tasteless, lies between something pleasant and useless
(from the point of view of an adult)
. “We quickly do our homework, don’t get distracted, because right after that we make cocoa with marshmallows and you go for a walk!” "And finally
(I really wanted to make it shorter this time)
. Children do not have to be obedient. It’s normal: to defend freedom, develop territory, explore the world, test mom and dad’s strength and see what happens. The main thing to remember is that in reality There are no bad children, there are children
who feel bad . The same can be said about parents. We scream when we feel bad. Let's make sure we feel good!
Rule three: Do not repeat, but act
This rule follows from the previous one. How parents would like their children to hear us the first time and immediately fulfill our requests. But usually you have to repeat it ten times, but things don’t get off the ground. How can you not start grumbling and then screaming?
In order to avoid the accumulation of irritation that inevitably occurs when repeating the same thing over and over again, arm yourself with a very effective rule “we don’t repeat, but act . This method is much more effective than shouting and moralizing.
Has your child scattered cubes and won’t clean them up? Calmly ask him to clean up the mess. Don't want to? Take your baby by the hand and start collecting them together. Do it with his hands. Don't let him get distracted by other things until you finish this.
And this is how it is necessary to act in all cases. Does the baby bite? Get it off your hands. Screaming? Leave him alone. You need to act immediately and always in the same way. If today you laugh when your hair is pulled, and tomorrow you scream, the child will not understand.
But I can't help it!
Actually you can! Usually we scream in a situation of danger (there is a version that such a scream is acceptable, for example, when you want to stop a child running towards the roadway), when we lose patience or experience discomfort.
For many of us, screaming is the first, unconscious reaction to a child’s unwanted behavior, simply because it is a behavioral pattern to which we are accustomed, it is easier for us to use it, because the solution lies on the surface, we do not need to look for it and specifically think about it . Of course, it is difficult to fight a habit, but it is possible - armed with knowledge and the desire to begin to analyze ourselves and our behavior, we can gradually learn to react differently to situations that cause us rejection. Some advise adding the following life hack to the desire to work on yourself: raising your voice at the child, imagine that a person has entered the room whose opinion about yourself and your behavior you greatly respect, the one to whom you would like to show your best side (just let it it won’t be your mother!), then you will see that “I can’t control myself” is most often self-deception, and you are simply taking advantage of the fact that the child is smaller, weaker and more defenseless than you. It's an unpleasant discovery, but if you make it, it will be easier for you to keep moving forward.
Also, as you monitor your reactions (at first this may happen after the fact), think about what exactly made you want to raise your voice. In very, very many cases, you will begin to notice that the child was not the real cause - often the cry is the result of extreme emotional exhaustion, fatigue, headache, physical illness, troubles at work, or simply a bad day. This is why it is so important for parents to restore their resources - you yourself know that the better you feel physically and psychologically, the higher the likelihood that you will be able to solve even difficult situations with your child without raising your voice.
Rule four: Do not attribute your understanding of what is happening to children
It often seems to parents that their children are deliberately stubborn, mischievous and “irritate” them with their whims. Of course, this also happens. But still not always. Often, “tricks” begin not at all because of the innate cunning of the offspring and their ineradicable desire to make sure that life does not seem like honey to mom and dad.
Most often hidden behind whims
- fatigue,
- ill health,
- sincere misunderstanding of why it is necessary to do this,
- nature's desire to experience life through experience.
In all these cases, our transition to screaming is like a bolt from the blue for the child. Especially if we don't do it too often and he's not used to it. If such a sound accompaniment is normal for him, then screaming will not change anything at all.
Where do evil parents come from?
When my husband and I realized that yelling and assault did not work, we began to look for other ways to restore a peaceful environment in the family.
I’ll say right away: everything worked out very quickly when we understood the main reason - happy, rested, fulfilled parents do not break into yelling, much less spanking. Therefore, we need to start with the main thing.
No amount of psychology will help if your physical condition is close to critical. You can work as much as you like with the best psychologists in the country, but if you are very tired and sleep little, you will one way or another break into shouting and assault .
If we don’t get enough sleep regularly, a lot of the stress hormone cortisol is released into the blood. This hormone makes us aggressive and irritable. And it is stronger than any psychological gadgets.
“This is so right, it’s a pity I didn’t understand this a few months ago. The exhaustion was severe, vomiting every day. I didn’t even know it was possible to be so tired! The children and my husband, of course, were the first to be hit, and I honestly tried to control myself, and then I started crying all day long! My beloved husband took me on vacation without children! I miss the children, but I will bring them the best mother.”
“Sometimes my daughter asks me: “Mom, did you get enough sleep?” Well, because I often say that I didn’t get enough sleep, that’s why I’m angry.”
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Rule Six: Understand the Consequences of Yelling
Surprisingly, many of us sincerely believe that even if parents scream regularly, their children will grow up calm and quiet.
In fact, two options are possible:
- Most often, “loud” parents raise equally “loud” children.
- Sometimes, as a result of such upbringing, children become downtrodden and always afraid.
Well, dear parents? Which option do we prefer?
Spoiled relationships, a disfigured childhood, the collapse of a friendly family, internal breakdown, severe complexes - all these words may seem too strong, but psychologists are convinced that they absolutely correctly describe the consequences of parental screaming.
Inadequate solutions
In psychological practice, so-called illusory solutions are often encountered. Many parents adhere to these methods, relying on the child’s correction and their own patience.
Correcting a Child
Parents are convinced that they will stop being irritated as soon as the child is able to master important skills: hygiene skills, politeness, doing homework independently, cleaning the children's room.
Mothers and fathers turn to psychologists with only one request - to correct their children’s behavior. Of course, if you place a mother in ideal conditions, when her child stops playing around and being naughty, then she will most likely stop raising her voice.
However, the problem is that such conditions are created exclusively by parents, and the child’s obedience still needs to be “cultivated.” But the family uses parenting methods that do not promote good behavior.
Thus, the desire to send a child to specialists for “re-education” is quite typical for some mothers and fathers. Such parents do not fully understand what their contribution to education is and what their responsibility is. However, it is stupid to demand changes from a child if adults themselves do not change.
Parental patience
This decision can be described as the parents’ desire to restrain their own irritability by all means. As a result, the family situation practically does not change at all, it’s just that the mother or father is holding back so as not to cause psychological trauma to the child.
The result of such parental tactics is an unexpected emotional “explosion,” since negative emotions tend to accumulate and spill out at a certain moment.
Experts are convinced that the longer adults hide their irritation, anger, and aggressiveness, the more these negative feelings “detonate.” In such cases, not only screams are common, but also physical measures.
Of course, when parents are faced with a conflict of interest (and a disagreement with a child is always a conflict situation), they need to do something. Naturally, you need to learn to communicate calmly with children, to speak not loudly, but strictly. All that remains is to understand how to do it correctly.
Rule ten: It's never too late to stop
Even if you have been screaming for a long time and often, do not think that nothing can be changed. You can stop and try to correct the situation at any time. Children know how to forgive their parents, especially if they see that they are trying. Of course, if they are already big, it will take more time to develop the habit of living “peacefully”, but still your efforts will not be in vain.
Gradually, “screaming attacks” will happen less and less often, and then they will completely disappear. And for the sake of peace in the house and happy children's eyes, it is worth trying.
Photo: globallookpress.com
Say “I love you” more often.
This word is vital for any child. It calms him down and gives him a feeling of security. It unites you with invisible threads. Moreover, there is nothing more beautiful and purer than the love between mother and child. Our children are too defenseless in this world without our support and care. All the daily hustle and bustle is your choice. We create problems and worries for ourselves. And children cannot wait until a couple of hours are allocated for them. They love you around the clock and they need to know that this is not unrequited love.
