A child is afraid of the potty: what to do and how to help the baby

The problem of potty training a child is a real scourge of the modern world. No matter how hard mothers try to wean their baby off the comfortable diaper, it’s all to no avail. Most often, the child simply does not understand what they want from him, or he understands, but does not do it out of principle. But what to do if your child is afraid of the potty?

Such situations also happen quite often. Let's try to understand this difficult case, find out the reasons and get rid of fear quickly and effectively.

Why is a child afraid to sit on the potty?

Very often, adults may not understand the true reasons that are somehow related to the child’s fears. You should be more attentive to your baby in order to identify and eliminate this problem:

Sometimes a baby begins to potty train too early; due to his physiological characteristics, he is not yet prepared for this. How quickly certain centers in the brain of a child’s head mature directly determines when new abilities arise. Thus, the areas of the brain that are responsible for bowel movements begin to be activated only at one and a half or two years of age, which means that putting a one-year-old child on the potty is absolutely pointless. You can try to catch or present the potty as a toy, thereby trying to prepare the baby for such a skill. If taught untimely, the baby will perceive the subject negatively, resulting in the child being afraid of the potty.
The fear may be hidden behind the fact that the baby saw the thing for the first time. If the baby has not had time to properly “make friends” with the potty, then he may perceive it as a threat. Moreover, the object is cold.
Sometimes in kindergarten teachers may not adequately perceive a situation when a child does not have time to run to the potty. Because of such emotional exclamations, the baby may harbor fear in his soul both about the object itself and about the process associated with defecation and urination. Therefore, when enrolling in a kindergarten, it is important to make sure that the toilet is convenient, that the potty or toilet is comfortable, there is paper, and there is a place for privacy. If these conditions are absent, then often there are problems with restraining the child's urge to defecate until he comes home, and this can lead to constipation.
If the baby has constipation, then during bowel movements he experiences pain, since fecal formations become compacted and can injure the rectum. Due to the unpleasant sensations when using the potty, the baby begins to associate this object with the appearance of pain. Often, because of this problem, the child is afraid to sit on the potty. This type of constipation is already a psychological problem.
Some parents try to teach their child to sit on the potty according to a certain time schedule, which makes him less independent. Often this behavior leads to fear of going to the toilet. If at the same time the child is regularly punished for his unkempt appearance or shamed, then anxiety and fears only increase. The child begins to be afraid and worry that he will not be able to meet his mother’s expectations, and this leads to emotional stress. Potty fear may lie in the fact that parents are overly demanding and do not provide adequate support.
Children are known to be great dreamers. A child may be afraid to sit on the potty because someone lives inside and can grab him by the butt. These illusions sometimes become a huge problem; it can only be eliminated if you have an open conversation with the child, in which you explain that there is absolutely nothing to be afraid of.
The reason can be very banal, which adults are sometimes unable to guess. The child is simply very shy and may refuse to use the potty because children of the opposite sex or parents are nearby. It is enough to simply make the conditions more comfortable so that the baby is in calm solitude.

Sources of children's fear

Fear of the potty is not a pathology or a deviation. Quite often, such fear can be explained by simple reasons, eradicating which, you can eradicate the fear itself.

The first reason (the simplest and most common) is explained by the parents’ too persistent desire to potty train their child. The constant pressure tires the baby so much that he literally begins to shake at the sight of the “night vase.”
The second reason is related to the first. Quite often, parents begin to toilet train their baby too early, which only depresses the baby’s desire to be independent. The recommended age for potty training is 1.5 - 2 years.
A negative reaction to failure can also be a reason. Parents and kindergarten teachers are not always tolerant of their children’s mistakes and demand too much. It is enough to reprimand once, swear at the baby, and he will refuse to go to the toilet to use the potty.
Lack of praise also does not help a child learn to be independent.
It is worth remembering that a potty is a new object in a child’s life; it will invariably cause a whole storm of feelings. Most often, these feelings are either interest or fear.
Some kids believe that someone lives in the toilet and it bubbles terribly (when the water is flushed). If a potty is a miniature analogue of a toilet, then someone must live there too. This is how children reason and flatly refuse to write in the “night vase.”
Embarrassment is another reason why a child does not want to go to the toilet except in a diaper.

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As you can see, all the reasons are quite simple and, if you think about it, can be easily eliminated. I would like to draw special attention to the fact that often (in most cases) the parents are to blame for the child’s dislike of the potty. Tactless behavior, irritability and unwillingness to understand the needs of the child lead to problems that then have to be solved.

How to overcome your fear of the potty

Sometimes parents are faced with a situation where they cannot get their child to sit on the potty. Crying appears or the baby begins to run away and hide. Whatever parents do, everything turns out to be useless. What to do with such a problem?

It is necessary to wait some time for the child to calm down. It is very important. There is no need to insist and try to force the baby to go to the potty. There is no need to fixate on this problem, as this will only make the situation worse.
You can go to the store with your baby and choose the potty that he likes best. It’s better if the baby chooses a new “friend” for himself.
The new potty should be left in the room where the baby likes to be so that he gets used to the thing. There is no need to try to immediately put your child on the potty, this will lead to the emergence of new fears. Gradually, the baby will get used to the potty and will no longer be afraid of it.
You can carefully lead the child to the potty, give it into his hands, so that the baby realizes that there is nothing to be afraid of.
Try playing in the potty. For example, give your child a doll or toy and ask him to take him to the potty. Thanks to such games, the baby will develop the perception that these are ordinary things. The main thing is to do everything positively so that the baby does not dislike the subject.
There is no need to constantly demand that your child sit on the potty. It is better to try to plant the toy while saying certain positive words. The baby will watch the bunny go to the toilet and will soon stop being afraid of the potty.
A good option would be to tell a fairy tale about a potty. For example, that the potty is so sad because no one loves him, he gets very upset if they don’t want to pee or poop in him.

How can I help him/her?

The most important thing that you cannot do is: insist on your own, swear, punish, ridicule. In this way the problem can only worsen. It’s better to forget about the potty altogether for some time (from 2 weeks, no less). Fear can go away on its own, if you don’t remind about it, it will simply be erased from the baby’s memory.
Buying a new potty often helps, especially if the child chooses it at the store on his own. But this action must be completely voluntary. If the baby refuses to buy, accept it, it means it’s too early. When the purchase takes place, place the potty in the child’s room. Don’t say that you have to sit on it, let the baby get used to it, look at it, feel it, and move it to another place. He will decide for himself whether the time has come to use the item for its intended purpose.
Make the potty an attribute of the game. Dolls, bears, bunnies - everyone sometimes wants to go to the toilet. Where's the toilet? And here he is, standing next to him. The child will help the toys cope with natural needs and will soon begin to perceive the potty as a completely ordinary object without any complex functions. Moreover, the game always has a positive connotation and relieves tension. You can put toys on the potty yourself and at the same time tell the baby: “The bunny feels so good, he can now play calmly. Maybe you can sit down too? Do not demand submission if the answer is negative.
To make the pot a good friend, you can stick funny eyes and a smile on it. Young children like happy faces and they do not evoke fear or negative emotions.

Potty anxiety after visiting kindergarten

If after visiting the kindergarten the child has a fear of going to the toilet, then it is better to take the child away from this teacher or transfer him to another group. You cannot trade off your physiological and mental health because of a certain convenience. This will be the first step to help fix the problem.

First, you should definitely take your child to the doctor to make sure that no changes have occurred within the body. If something is suddenly discovered, it is imperative to take all measures to eliminate it.

If you have persistent constipation, you should use medications and make a balanced diet. In addition, enemas or rectal suppositories can sometimes be used.

You will have to get rid of the old pot and buy another one. To make it look more friendly, you can draw a wide smile on the object. You need to behave very delicately with the child, do not rush things, let the baby forget about previous troubles. No need for negative emotions. The more often you praise your baby, the better.

The reason is physiological

It is worth mentioning separately about such a condition in a child as psychological constipation. This is a condition in which the child is afraid to go to the toilet.

There may be two reasons:

Previously, the act of defecation was painful (due to some illness or ordinary constipation);
A child often hears reproaches from an adult when he goes to the toilet in the “wrong place.”

As a result, the baby holds back, the stool hardens, and going to the toilet becomes painful and difficult. What kind of pot is this?

Psychological constipation is also a physiological problem, which significantly slows down the baby’s weaning from diapers.

Treatment of psychological constipation

Enema. An enema will help relieve your child's condition during constipation. You can purchase both a regular rubber bulb and disposable Microlax enemas.
Massage. This is both prevention and real help for a suffering baby. It is better to consult an experienced massage therapist about massage techniques for constipation.
Sport. Of course, when it comes to a child, it is difficult to talk about full-fledged sports activities, but the more the baby moves, the better. It’s especially good if you take your baby to the pool.
Proper nutrition. Consult a nutritionist about your baby's diet. Fermented milk products, cereals, vegetables, and fruits must be included in the daily menu, but it is better to reduce flour to a minimum. If the child’s body lacks any substances or enzymes, the doctor will prescribe special medications with prebiotics.

The above describes the main ways to combat constipation in children. All of them are physiological in nature and are aimed at eliminating a physical phenomenon. However, it is worth remembering that the main cause of psychological constipation is emotional.

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That is why, first of all, parents should reconsider their relationship with their child.

Do not scold your child if he is afraid to sit on the “night vase” or does not understand what you say.
Do not demand obedience and unquestioning obedience from him.
Introduce potty training slowly, calmly, non-violently.
Be gentle when handling your child.

If the problem occurs in kindergarten

At home, a friendly atmosphere and the affectionate attitude of parents help to cope with fears. What to do if your baby spends most of the day in kindergarten? As already mentioned, the cause of fear of the potty may be the reaction of teachers to “accidents”.

In this case, you simply need a consultation with a psychologist and a serious conversation with the teacher in whose care your child is. Another reason for the fear of going to the toilet in kindergarten may be that the baby is uncomfortable and unfamiliar with the potty.

To solve the problem, talk to the teacher and ask if it is possible to buy for your baby the same potty as the one you have at home, or at least the same color. Usually kindergartens are only happy when parents buy something for the group.

As in any problematic situation, be patient and keep negative emotions in check. Remember that this is not forever, that there is not a single adult who does not know how to go to the toilet. And your baby will definitely overcome her fears, she just needs a little help with this.

How to deal with the problem

To eliminate this delicate difficulty, parents will have to understand the causes of their child’s phobias. A confidential conversation with a child after three years, conversations with a kindergarten teacher, and personal observations will help to create a complete picture.

Watch carefully the video in which Dr. Komarovsky gives simple and effective advice on how to deal with this problem:

After analyzing the reasons, use proven advice from experienced parents, doctors and psychologists to solve the problem, and they know exactly what to do if the baby is afraid to poop.

Advice from pediatricians

Get rid of physiological constipation. Find the cause of difficulty in defecation and eliminate the negative factor from the child’s life.
If necessary, use laxatives, preferably herbal ones. These are Duphalac, Microlax.
For prolonged constipation, use pear enemas or microenemas from the pharmacy, glycerin suppositories.
Eat a balanced diet. Include fiber, fermented milk products, boiled vegetables and light broth soups in your menu.
Eliminate large amounts of carbohydrates from your diet. Rolls, crackers, cakes, and sweets cause constipation.
Control your drinking regime. Lack of water leads to hardening of stool and physiological constipation. Let's drink more fluids. Make it a rule to drink a glass of water immediately after waking up, 20 minutes before meals.
Nourish your gut with probiotics and prebiotics. Beneficial microflora populates the intestinal environment, helping the gastrointestinal tract function regularly and avoid disruptions.
Drink a relaxing cocktail before bed. Kefir and fermented baked milk instead of a late dinner help the gastrointestinal tract. The stool in the morning will be soft, bowel movements will be free.
Give your tummy a massage. This is not only useful, but also pleasant. In the process of stroking, emotional contact is established; you can talk with the child about fears and experiences. Discourage fear or suppress the urge to go to the toilet.
Treat wounds and cracks in the anus immediately after constipation or diarrhea appears. Lubricate the skin with healing creams, wash your child after each trip to the toilet so that the bottom does not become irritated and sore.
Dr. Komarovsky recommends that parents not create a tragic situation at home if the child resists pooping. It is necessary to give laxatives, experiment with various medications so that the feces come out and do not stagnate in the intestines. Be sure to use lactulose syrup 1 ml for a couple of days. Increase the dose gradually over 2–3 weeks, reaching 10 ml per day. The baby is sure to go big in his pants or potty. You can’t scold him for soiled clothes, but if he poops where he needs to, praise him. Over time, the child will get rid of fear.
If the fidget is old enough, explain the pooping process and the importance of this procedure. 4-5 year old children already understand a lot. Draw a picture, show books on physiology. Tell in detail why, how and why a person goes to the toilet, what results from holding back feces, refusing to go to the toilet regularly.
Lead an active lifestyle. Running, climbing, and playing with a ball in the yard stimulate the intestines.
Follow a daily routine. Strict adherence to the timing of meals and trips to the toilet will make the bowel movement stable.

Advice from psychologists

Create a comfortable psychological environment at home. It's not just about the toilet. Trusting, calm relationships between parents and children calm the psyche and balance the state. The absence of stress has a positive effect on the child’s development and getting used to new things, such as a potty.
Do not remind yourself that the baby was constipated, that he was in pain.
Do not discuss this issue with your child or other adults. This story must be forgotten. Focus on successes and positive moments in your family’s life.
Turn going to the toilet into a game. If you see that your baby wants to poop, is tense, and is squeezing his legs, run with him to the potty. On the way, tell an interesting story about mysterious characters who want to overtake the child in order to be the first to use the potty. And the winner of the competition receives a prize, candy. If the baby gets there first, he will get the surprise. Don't stop telling the story until your baby poops. Distract his attention from the process of defecation. Let it happen automatically.
Come up with a financial incentive. For example, bake magic cookies or treat them with a special vitamin for fear. Discuss this with your child. Explain that after eating the liver, he will become fearless, will no longer be afraid of spiders, snakes, dogs, and at the same time mention the potty. Do it unobtrusively.
After a series of diarrhea, constipation, if there was pain during bowel movements, you need to explain to the baby that now everything is fine. The illness is gone. The pain will not return. Try to set your baby up in a positive way so that he stops suffering and being afraid.
Don't be afraid to overpraise. A stingy “Well done!” for psychological constipation it is not enough. Praise for fruitless sitting on the potty, an affirmative answer to a request to go to the toilet to poop, even for rare bowel movements. Set the stage for future success.
Adjust your pooping schedule to suit your time at home.
This measure will help to cope with shyness and the inconvenience of equipping toilets in a school or kindergarten. At home, the child can relax and feel comfortable.
In critical situations, with hysterics, attempts to endure the urge to defecate for a long time, go to see a psychotherapist. The doctor will prescribe sedatives and help you understand the causes of fear and anxiety. Psychotherapy of the child together with the parents brings positive results in most cases.
Don't hold back your expression of emotions. Allow your child to cry, scream, or express aggression if there are reasons for this. Holding back negative emotions leads to constipation.

Important! It may take 2-3 months to eliminate psychological constipation. Take your time to get a positive result, don’t push your child. Be patient.

Parents' experience

If fear appeared during the period of adaptation to kindergarten, bring a home potty to the group. Ask the teachers to control the process of defecation and be more attentive to the baby.
Support your child psychologically. Try to take his place.
Don't focus on the problem. If you ask your child 10 times a day about the desire to poop, he will simply get tired and irritable, and will understand that your thoughts are only occupied with this. The meticulousness of parents leads to protest from children.
A frank heart-to-heart conversation. If the baby is talking, ask him what is the reason for his fears and why he is so categorical. Find a solution together.
Buy a new pot.
The old one reminds of pain due to constipation, falling or other unpleasant moments. If the child is in his second year, let him choose the toilet in the store himself.
Move the plastic toilet to another room. A change of environment will help overcome fear.
Put off toilet training for a while. Place a plastic pot among the toys and let it become a familiar piece of furniture.
Give them a book with bright pictures. The child will be distracted and poop unnoticed.
Set an example. Take your fidget with you to the toilet or let him watch your older sisters and brothers. If the age is appropriate, plant them in a potty nearby.
Play with the potty. Place dolls and bears on a plastic toilet. Play with them yourself and have a good laugh after a fantasy poop. Praise the doll Masha for not being patient, but taking off her panties and doing all the work.
Come up with a fairy tale or poem. The fantasy hero can be a boy or a girl, depending on the gender of your child. Come up with it yourself or take it from the Internet. An instructive story about a son or daughter of the royal family should end positively, telling how the hero dealt with fear, overcame many difficulties and received awards for courage. Refer to the fairy tale when the baby protests against the toilet and restrains the urge to defecate. For the best effect, you can draw fantasy episodes, make characters out of plasticine, and play some scenes with your parents in the evenings.

What not to do

Forcibly hold on the potty.
Force him to sit and poop, driving the baby into hysterics.
Keep your baby on the toilet for more than 15 minutes.
Standing over the baby in a frighteningly strict position, waiting for the result. Leave the child alone.
Shout, scold, punish.
Threaten with physical punishment, take away toys.
Discuss a naughty child in the presence of the baby with other adults, friends, relatives. This hurts the child’s psyche and incites protest.
Reproach for soiled pants. It’s better to let him walk past the potty for now than to provoke regular constipation by retaining feces.
Potty train children up to 1–1.5 years old. Wait for the urge to take off your panties, disgust for dirty panties.

Important! Each child is individual. Choose methods for eliminating phobias carefully and experiment. If one method does not work, try another, then you will definitely succeed.