"Real villains look great." Strangers lure children in Russian cities - you can stop them

Missing children

On Monday, May 17, it became known that a six-year-old boy was missing in Nizhny Novgorod. He left the house around 10:00 and did not return. The child's relatives turned to the police for help. About 300 police officers, investigators, volunteers and local residents joined the search for the boy. The child was found alive after midnight.

The press service of the regional department of the Russian Guard said that the boy was first seen in a grocery store near his home at around 11:00. After this, the child was spotted on CCTV cameras in the company of an unknown man. Information was sent out, and already on Tuesday, at 00:40, a man matching the description was detained along with a boy on Svoboda Street in the Sormovsky district. The child was scared, could not speak normally and cried a lot.

“He was hysterical and asked to see his mother. Employees of the Russian Guard calmed the child down, promised to take him home soon and called an investigative team to the scene,” the department said.

During the initial examination, no visible physical injuries were found on the child. Now the investigation is finding out all the details of what happened, as well as whether the boy was subjected to any illegal acts. Forensic medical examinations will be carried out.

According to preliminary data, the boy spent the whole day walking around Nizhny Novgorod with a man who was caught on surveillance cameras. The detainee had previously been convicted, and now “leads a vagabond lifestyle,” the regional department of the Investigative Committee clarified. During interrogation, he stated that he met the boy on the playground. He wanted to take his dog for a walk, so the next day they met again on the site.

This is not the first such case. At the end of April, a man kidnapped an eight-year-old boy in Krasnoyarsk. The child left home around 3:00 p.m. and did not return. They searched for him throughout the night and during the first half of the next day. The search involved police and volunteers, as well as a boat and a quadcopter. In the afternoon the boy was found together with the man who kidnapped him.

According to investigators, the man deceived the child and lured him to him, offering to earn money by posting advertisements. The boy followed the stranger and ended up in an abandoned house in the city center, where he remained until the discovery. The suspect admitted his guilt. The court arrested him for two months.

Fear of other people's children

Perhaps the child is happy to go outside and takes his favorite toys with him. But when he approaches the playground, he sees unfamiliar children and refuses to go further. What causes this fear:

1. The child does not know how to behave with new children.
2. The toddler is confused about how he will play with his toys in the presence of other children.
3. The kid doesn't know how to start a conversation.
4. The child is worried that his toys will be taken away from him.
5. He may not know what to do and what not to do in such a new environment.

Parents need to prepare the little one to communicate with unfamiliar children. Every day you have to go through situations, tell your child how to behave in the sandbox and how you can share a car with another boy or they can simply be friends. This way, the baby won’t be so scared to go to a new company. But from the age of three, communication with peers is very important for children.

Follow a stranger

Psychologist Andrei Zberovsky explained that usually children from childhood deal only with those adults who treat them well: mom, dad, uncle, aunt, and so on. Somewhere before the age of 10, a child, as a rule, treats adults with a very high degree of trust. He has no personal negative experience of interacting with them. That is why he trusts even unfamiliar adults and is ready to leave with anyone, listen to anyone. Even if adults told him to do the opposite.

“The child has no life experience. He assumes that if the uncle is bad, then he should look like it: walk around with a grimace on his face, an ax in his hands, and so on. In real life, of course, this doesn't happen. An adult who poses a danger to a child usually looks normal. He doesn’t show any threatening signs,” Zberovsky noted.

Psychologist Ekaterina Trofimova added that often the problem is not that children do not know the rules. Usually a child is ashamed to refuse a stranger. He is afraid of offending him, because he is accustomed to think first of all about others. The child does not know how to defend his interests, does not contradict adults, and feels sorry for everyone.

Another reason is lack of attention in the family. Then the child perceives any interest in himself with joy. He may also be too trusting, have a lot of fears, be shy or too polite. Or the child has little approval in the family, needs praise and buys into flattery.

Manifestation of fear of strangers

Each child is an individual personality, so babies go through developmental stages differently. Closer to a year, from 7-8 months, children experience a big leap in psycho-emotional terms. It is at this age that the child becomes wary of other people besides his mother and those whom he sees regularly. Psychologists explain that a child is very dependent on his parents, especially his mother. He knows her voice, what she looks like, and can distinguish her by smell. Next on the list of relatives is dad.

Some couples complain that children do not accept their father and do not want to be held. This is due to the fact that the baby does not often see the second parent. For example, a man works a lot and cannot pay enough attention to his child. And kids very quickly forget not only events, but also faces. This is why the baby may be wary of dad. It’s worth spending some time with the baby more often: bathing him, taking him for walks, changing his diaper, changing his clothes, and the baby will get used to it and stop being afraid.

Grandparents, family friends, godparents and other people whom the child sees quite often are not perceived by him as a threat and are calm about their presence. But if you take a break, he will forget them and may refuse to make contact at the next meeting.

Doctors explain to parents that fear of strangers is the very first thing that babies experience. It can manifest itself in each child at a different age, but children begin to fear other adults from seven to eleven months. This situation can continue until the age of two.

Table: causes of fear at different ages

According to experts, children are more often afraid of men, because women remind them of their mother. Men with beards and mustaches are especially frightening to little ones; they look more intimidating. Some kids feel uncomfortable in crowded places: they begin to panic and become hysterical. This is due to the fact that children instinctively sense danger, for example, that people will take them away from their mother.

Psychologists highlight fear of doctors as a separate point. This fear often remains in adults, for example, panic during visits to the dentist. Such feelings arise in the child due to the fact that he is afraid of the possible pain that he may feel during the procedure.

To avoid hysterics in the doctor’s office, parents should prepare the baby for the appointment: patiently explain the process of the procedure or examination and do not yell at the child

Scoundrels Hook

According to Trofimova, it is these hooks that attackers use to establish contact with a child and lure him into a trap. Strangers are kind and smiling, they appeal to children’s desire to protect and help, so they either ask for help (a kitten has gone missing, someone is feeling bad), or they put pressure on children’s helplessness and inability to buy something for themselves, offering a gift for free (for example, distributing candy, the same puppies and kittens, an offer to go for a ride in a car or something else like that).

Contrary to the on-screen image of the villain, which is terrible to look at, real villains look great, communicate nicely and give the impression of good people. This is a separate topic that needs to be discussed with your child.

Ekaterina Trofimovapsychologist.

As Zberovsky said, an attacker can get close to a child when he is disoriented and does not quite understand where he is and what is happening. Then he turns on feigned goodwill, asks where the parents are, and offers help. In this way he attracts the child to himself.

Another way is to manipulate “adulthood”. The criminal says: “Oh, you’re quite an adult! You can probably already travel around the city yourself, visit a lot of things and then tell your parents about it.” The child gets the feeling that he can raise his authority.

Trofimova noted that obedient and polite children are more easily hooked by scoundrels. Restless rude people are protected more. This means that it is necessary to teach your child not only kindness, but also self-defense skills on the psychological and physical levels.

Is your child too dependent?

“Our 8-month-old baby starts crying every time I put him in his crib and go into another room. It seems to me that I cannot move away at all, so as not to upset him. We are very close, but am I making him too dependent on me?”

No! You only make him better protected, and not at all dependent. Your baby is experiencing fear of loneliness. This is completely normal behavior and is not at all caused by the fact that you have made your baby too dependent on you. By observing 8-month-old Matthew playing, we think we have been able to explain where the fear of loneliness comes from and why it is a completely healthy phenomenon. While Matthew was crawling around the room, he kept looking around to see if we were watching him. Seeing us leave the room or not paying attention to him, he begins to get upset. As experienced observers, we already knew that kids don’t do anything without good reason. We found it interesting that the fear of loneliness reaches its peak just at the time when the child begins to actively move. Maybe this is some kind of safety net? After all, at this moment the child’s motor capabilities allow him to crawl far from his parents, and his mental abilities are not yet developed enough for such an escape to be safe. The baby's body says yes, but his mind says no. In other words, the fear of loneliness seems to hold the baby back.

What to teach a child?

The child must be taught that it is impossible to talk to strangers. Strangers are people who were not introduced by their parents. It is necessary to explain that all questions and requests must be answered “no” or “only with mom.” Refuse any gifts from strangers. It is also important that the child remembers that no one has the right to touch him.

“Help other children, kittens and the dying - only together with your mother or with the police and ambulance. Even if a stranger says that mom or dad needs help, it’s a resounding “no.” It is also necessary for the child to learn the phone numbers of parents and rescue services,” Trofimova emphasized.

You need to discuss with your child that as soon as a person appears nearby who raises suspicions or even some doubts about their intentions, you need to immediately call your parents. This is why you should always have a charged phone with you, don’t stay late and be constantly in touch. It's also worth installing a location tracking app on your phone.

It is necessary to teach the child not to leave the place agreed upon with his parents. If you get lost, then stand still. It is necessary that the child also knows his full name and address. If a stranger approaches in a store, then the child needs to seek help from the seller, police officer or security.

“It is important to explain to the child that ordinary good and kind people have no need to invite their child somewhere. There is no reason for this. They can do everything themselves, or they will ask other adults for help,” added Trofimova.

The child must remember that people with bad intentions are timid and afraid of noise in public places. If the adult does not lag behind, then it is necessary to make noise. This will immediately scare away the cowardly scoundrel.

Zberovsky emphasized: ideally, a child should be taught not to make contact with strangers at all. As soon as the child starts talking, the adult will have a chance to talk him over and convince him.

“We need to explain to him that when a stranger approaches him, he needs to speed up his pace and start running away. There is no need to be embarrassed to run away. There is no need to be afraid to throw your scooter or bicycle if something happens. The child should not be embarrassed to ask for help and run to public places,” the psychologist said.

Look closely at a phenomenon and you will see that it is the husk of something else that lies deeper than it. P. Florensky

Today, when the number of people suffering from mental disorders is growing in our society, it is very important for us, adults, to pay attention to how we raise the younger generation. The fact that, starting from the 90s, we are not fully coping with this important task is evidenced by the results of our upbringing that we observe. A whole generation of psychologically unhealthy people has already grown up. This includes drug addiction, alcoholism, computer addiction, infantilism and other forms of psychopathology. This is confirmed both by practice and by letters that I receive from all over the former USSR. This is what a female teacher writes after reading my materials on the website Sarakul.com: “Very relevant article! I work at a school and every year I notice more and more how many of our children disappear on the Internet, in tablets, phones... How they replace real experiences, feelings, emotions with virtual ones. How they worry about some mythical characters, but cannot sympathize with a real person, their peer or relative. Their empathy level is very low. And how they offend each other on social media. networks! But they can’t speak out to their faces, they don’t know how to communicate. It seems to me that boys are especially susceptible to this problem. Of the entire mass of graduates, girls are more active and purposeful, and among boys there are a lot of infantile, love-struck, immature guys. Why is this so? Are these the consequences of our female upbringing?” This is also confirmed by the results of a survey of the population of Moldova and Ukraine. Many children were left unattended due to the mass departure of parents to work in countries such as Italy, Turkey, and Russia. I think that we will need to work intensively for many more decades to eliminate the mental problems of these generations.

To make it easier for you to correct existing problems in terms of raising your child, I propose today to talk about fear. Fear is an emotion that arises in situations where there is a threat to our psychosomatic and social existence. According to Z. Freud, fear serves the instinct of self-preservation and is a signal of external danger. In other words, fear, like other unpleasant experiences (anger, resentment, etc.), is not harmful for the child, it helps to develop according to the law of evolution, if it does not go beyond the norm. It helps regulate the child’s activities and behavior at all stages of development. For example, a child is afraid of a doctor, children, strangers... This is a normal reaction to pain, due to jealousy, a sense of danger. For example, a case when a child is afraid of other children is a signal that you have problems communicating with the outside world, have not taught him how to interact in relationships with others, and have not shown him by personal example how to get out of conflict situations. If you understand this, come, as I say, to awareness of the unconscious part of the problem, then the child’s fear goes away, and you, as a parent, become wiser.

In the case when the parent is not able to take care of himself in terms of awareness and psychological self-correction, the child develops a persistent fear. It becomes entrenched in the unconscious and begins to function as a separate entity. At the same time, we observe how the child, instead of acting, becomes passive, insecure, and problems with feelings arise. A persistent fixation and obsessive manifestation of worry, fear, and anxiety in the child’s psyche indicate that there is something wrong with mental health in the family. More often these are conflicts between parents, a pre-divorce situation, lack of a good relationship between parents and the child, etc. The child’s fear and behavior are a mirror reflection of what is happening at the level of the unconscious of the parents and the family as a whole. Realizing this in time helps the parent turn to the child, understand his feelings, desires, fantasies, drawings and dreams.

When becoming aware of what is happening in the family and with the child’s psyche, the parent needs to pay attention to those cases when fear goes beyond the boundaries of normal stress, that is, the child cannot develop and function normally. He falls into “emotional paralysis” or becomes psychosomatically ill. For example, he often suffers from a sore throat. If a parent resists the realization that the child has a mental problem (once he treats the child with medication), then the fear turns into a more persistent state and covers the entire essence of the child. Experts know that persistent fear is a psychological condition that a child cannot cope with, and it has a harmful effect on the psychological climate of the family. As a rule, this is a worsening of the neurotic state, the appearance of undesirable emotional manifestations and character traits in the child, and an increase in parental anxiety. Practice shows: if fears are painfully aggravated and persist for a long time, then this indicates that the parents are not working on their problems, and the child’s psyche is exhausted.

In order to help a child get rid of fear, parents need to undergo their own course of psychotherapy, find out how their unconscious influences the child’s unconscious. For example, what function does fear perform, how did it arise and develop, how and what does it suggest through the behavior and body of the child. It is known that often the parent himself is the bearer of fear, which he has not yet resolved and transmits on an unconscious level to the child. I remember a case when a man came with a fear of cancer (cancerophobia). During the session he talked a lot about how his father was afraid of death. When I asked him to ask his father how he was born, what he remembered from childhood, the client said at the next session: “My father remembered that two of his brothers died before him in infancy. Then there was famine in the country...” Analyzing and working with the fear of his father (which was formed in his unconscious due to the death of his brothers) helped my client heal. This example shows how the cause of a child’s fear can be not only actual (here and now) infection from the close environment with fear, but also fears transmitted through the family at the quantum - unconscious level. Fear is transmitted as a program of protection against threat, recorded at the level of the unconscious and DNA. Knowing this, in the space of psychotherapy we can reprogram ourselves: “Times have changed, there is no point in defending ourselves in this way, as was necessary in the past” (childbirth, intrauterine development, infancy, childhood).

So, working with the child’s fears, as well as psychosomatic consequences, shows that we need to both involve parents in therapy and analyze the gender (the experience of transmitting conflicts and the structure of their hologram). When working with the child himself, in child psychoanalysis we pay special attention to how the child’s ego functions, especially its functions such as the basal feeling “I am good enough,” thinking, and object representations. During therapy, it is important to focus on his perception and relationship with reality, strengthening and supporting adaptive defense mechanisms, and verbalization of affects. However, it must be remembered that parents may have their own mental health problems that make therapeutic collaboration difficult. A good therapeutic alliance occurs only in cases where the parent is self-aware and in harmony with his feelings regarding each stage of development in his childhood. A parent must be constantly aware of how he communicates with his child here and now, especially if he has a mental health problem.

The therapeutic alliance is a cooperative relationship that is built between the part of the patient capable of self-observation and free from internal conflicts and the therapist in his helping role. On the one hand, the alliance reflects the patient’s realistic expectations that the therapist can provide help based on his knowledge, experience, training, that is, trust in the professional competence of the specialist offering help. On the other hand, it is trust that the therapist will be devoted to working with the patient and will not exploit him in one way or another, trust in the personal qualities of the therapist. A child's fear may be a clue that an anxious mother and father are nearby. They patronize, prohibit excessively, warn... All this leads to the fact that the child is afraid to socialize, suffers from mistrust and helplessness. Their anxious state, conversations about fear of life, murder, and illness deform the child’s psyche. A child in such a family grows up neurotic. As he grows up, finding himself in a situation where he needs to overcome a life situation and adapt, he becomes even more anxious (repeats the emotional reaction and behavior of his parents) and reinforces this stereotype on an unconscious level.

Fear and anxiety are also often a consequence of the child’s neurotic dependence on the mother. In such a situation, the child is afraid to grow up. He has no opinion and does what his mother demands. Usually such children are afraid all their lives to become an individual, to step into the unknown, to make their choice. Their fear sounds something like this: “If I say something against my mother, I will lose her love.” It should be noted here that in a codependent relationship with the mother (especially when there is no father), the child may develop an obsessive fear of expecting misfortune. He is usually connected at a deeper level of the psyche by the problem of gender identification. The child does not feel that he exists as a person, therefore he is afraid of the future, denies the past (forgets) and cannot be in the present. Over time, the inner artist adds more and more colors and terrible images to the canvas of this type of psyche. For example, a child may have a fear of loneliness, a fear that he will be abandoned, a confidence that he does not justify (has not justified) what his parents expect from him...

Codependency is a pathological condition characterized by deep absorption and strong emotional, social or even physical dependence on another person. Most often, the term is used in relation to relatives and friends of alcoholics, drug addicts and other people with any addictions, but is far from limited to them. (Wikipedia). From the above, we begin to understand that the child’s fear is just a mirror reflection of what is happening in the psyche of the parents and the family conflict. For example, the fear of being the wrong person, that is, not meeting the requirements of the parents, suggests that next to such a child there are adults who unconsciously project the problems of their inferiority complex onto the child. Such examples show once again that fears do not arise out of nowhere. If a child becomes afraid during the development process, and his parents support him, then the fear is not fixed on an unconscious level. I tracked the fears that my grandchildren had. We (adults) reacted instantly and showed with our psycho-emotional state that there was no need to be afraid in this case, that this was just an instructive episode of life. If we told them “don’t be afraid”, but at the same time we were worried, then the children’s unconscious would write off the anxiety, not the words.

So, in order to help a child, first of all you need to understand yourself, and then the child, that is, the whole field of your communication. Unfortunately, in the 21st century, the century of consumption and information, some parents find it difficult to understand both themselves and their child. For example, a self-centered parent is unable to understand his child, since he is psychologically and energetically fixated on himself. The relationship with the child is cold, the child is not perceived as an object deserving attention and warm emotional contact. As a result, such immature behavior of the parent pushes the child into such fears as: “maybe I’m not my own,” “I was abandoned, abandoned.”

Speaking about the problems of parents, you and I must remember that they brought their problems from their childhood. In some cases, even if the parent is partially aware that he has problems, he cannot do anything about them. The reason is that their roots are deeply buried in the unconscious, and an adult has no experience of awareness. For this reason, I always suggest that parents also participate in working on the child’s fear. What does fear tell us? Take a closer look at your child and you will see many useful tips. For example, a child from three to five years old experiences the absence of his mother (at work, does business, is emotionally absent, arranges his personal life) transforms on an unconscious level into a fear of lack of love. As a rule, in such families the child does not receive basic trust in the world from birth. This fear then leads to problems in relationships with the opposite sex. She or he will feel that the partner does not love enough.

At six years old, a child begins to understand that adults can be bad not only towards him, but also towards each other. A child at this age begins to set goals, fantasize, and shows ingenuity in speech. If adults do not provide good models for identification, and relationships are loaded with conflict, then the child may develop fears about relationships. For example, a child thinks that he has nothing to say, cannot dream, set goals, and is inactive. In relationships, he perceives himself as superfluous and uninteresting.

At the age of five to seven years, the absence of a mother (physically or emotionally) creates in the child’s psyche the fear of her loss and death. At this age, fears of illness, misfortune, etc. may also arise due to the fact that the child begins to understand that this happens in life, and a person does not live forever. There is also a fear of darkness, water, heights. They, as a rule, say that the child, from the very conception until the age of seven, has not received a stable experience of basal trust and the ability to contact the sensory sphere.

The fears of a child aged 6-11 years are more often associated with a conflict that arises at the junction of “I-study”. This is due to the fact that at this age a child masters various skills and abilities. This is the age when a child is optimally ready to learn. With negative development, the child develops an inferiority complex.

To summarize the above, we come to the understanding that a child’s fears more often arise in families where the parents are selfish, the mother is hypersocial, a workaholic, overly anxious and dependent on the child, and the father is infantile. In the family itself there is a smoldering unresolved conflict between parents, as a result of which the child is psychologically overloaded. Body and fear 1. Allergy. The fear of expressing your emotions on time leads to prolonged suppression of them. As a result, his body does this work for the child - it gives an outlet to suppressed emotions through irritation of the mucous membranes, sneezing, redness of the eyes, etc. 2. Throat. Spasms in the throat area, inflammatory processes indicate that the child cannot have normal contact with feelings, express what he wants, and is energetically closed from the outside world. 3. Arthritis - speaks of low self-esteem, self-aggression, fear and anger. The disease also shows that a person has long suffered from distrust of himself and his environment. 4. Breathing problems. Constrained, shallow breathing indicates that the child is afraid to live, is unsure and anxious. Fear limits his ability to breathe, that is, to give life and strength to his emotions. 5. Asthma. The child is afraid to express himself, to release the negative emotions that have accumulated in his relationship with his mother and the world around him. The mother of such a child is anxious, overprotective, and does not allow him to “breathe” freely, that is, to develop normally as a person. Test “Children's fears” No. 1. Your good old friends have come. They saw your baby when you returned from the hospital with him; and now I’m delighted: he’s so big, he can already sit down and stand up on his own! Of course, they want to play with the child, hold him in their arms, but he is hiding in your arms and does not want to communicate with them.

A. Let them hold it, because I’m nearby. B. I will try to persuade, to show how good these adults are. V. Well, you can communicate from my hands, when he grows up, then they can play together. No. 2. There is a good series on TV, and while you were looking at it, you missed “Good night...”. Now the baby demands his legal delivery, and does not want to go to bed without it. You put on a calming cartoon. Which?

A. The one that comes to hand. B. “Tom and Jerry” - it’s always at hand. V. “The Adventures of Leopold the Cat.” No. 3. You arrived at the seaside and immediately, of course, went to the beach. We approached the water - and then it turned out that the baby was afraid of the waves. What will you do?

A. I will calm you down and convince you that the water is very good and that big boys/girls don’t cry. B. I’ll lure him into the water, he’ll jump on the waves - he’ll get used to it. B. On the shore, near the water, we will dig sand and make our own sea. No. 4. Two children - yours and your friend's - ran away from the orphanage. You caught them and brought them back. The friend sternly told her child: “If you run away without asking, I’ll hand you over to that policeman.” Your baby heard - and became quiet, and looks at you questioningly. What will you do?

A. I’ll nod my head: listen, they say, it’s useful... B. I’ll ask: “What should I do with you, what do you think?” B. I’ll tell him this: “I won’t give it back, but I’ll definitely punish you.” No. 5. Grandparents brought the baby a new toy - a funny wind-up clown, placed it next to him (the baby became interested), but as soon as the clown waved his arms and “speaked”, the child began to cry loudly. What will you do with the toy?

A. I’ll try to calm you down and explain what a good toy your grandparents gave you, and offer to play with a kind clown. B. I will apologize to my grandparents and - for now, I will put the toy out of sight, to hell; Let's wait until it grows up to it. B. I’ll put the toy on the farthest shelf, let it get used to it, take a closer look, and if the opportunity arises in a calm atmosphere, I’ll try to “introduce” them. No. 6. The child is afraid to open the closet door, repeating that “there is someone there, big and shaggy...”.

A. Let me explain that a big and shaggy one won’t fit in the closet. B. Together with the child, we explore this closet and all other cabinets. Let's open it, touch it, inspect it. But I still won’t turn off the night light. Q. Let’s play the game “Who’s hiding in the closet?” Let's take turns hiding and laughing. No. 7. You are invited to visit - without a child - and it’s time for you to leave, but he asks to take him/her with you, he literally grabs onto you and won’t let go. What is the best thing to do to leave without hysterics?

A. Hand over to the nanny, distract her and slowly escape. B. Convince that we will return soon with a gift - and convince! B. Explain that today we will go without him (adults sometimes have the right to do this), but on Sunday we will be together all day (“in the meantime, figure out what we will do, what you want, where we will go together”). No. 8. Your child, returning home from kindergarten, tells a horror story about how some black woman walks around the city and treats the kids with candy, and whoever takes it disappears. How will you react?

A. I’ll talk to the teacher and find out who is intimidating the children in the group and why. B. I’ll explain that this is a fiction that you shouldn’t believe in, much less tell others. Q. I’ll take a moment to talk about safety rules; and I’ll explain to the child that you can’t take candy or even candy wrappers from strangers, even if you really want to. No. 9. Your child drew a terrible Miracle Yudo and was afraid of it himself. What will you do to calm him down?

A. I’ll distract you and quietly hide this picture. B. I’ll say: what a bad monster, let’s tear it apart! B. I’ll sit next to you, and together we’ll draw funny ears on the monster and paint it funny. No. 10. You found out that your child went to a nearby construction site (even though you warned him not to go there under any circumstances). What will you say when you find him and find out that he is safe and sound?

A. “Shame on you!” B. “As much as I can tell you.” B. “Dessert is cancelled. And you sit down and think about why I’m angry with you.” No. 11. Your friend’s daughter learned to read at the age of 4, your neighbor’s son is the winner of two Olympiads, the Petrov children are the ideal of good manners, and your child is like a child. Do you often set such children as an example for your offspring? Do you tell him/her about this?

A. Yes, he should know who to look up to, because a positive example stimulates. B. Mentally - often, out loud - sometimes, when he’s really worried. B. Very rarely. You can’t reach everyone, and then, he/she also has something in which he/she is better and more capable than others. No. 12. While your child was relaxing outside the city with his grandmother, his pet, a budgerigar, disappeared. You know that the child will be very worried. What's the best thing to do?

A. Buy another parrot, very similar: in case he doesn’t notice. B. He wanted to have a turtle; I'll probably buy it urgently. V. I’ll tell you, I’ll try to console you, and together we’ll go choose a new parrot. No. 13. You had a quarrel with your older sister: she always interferes with advice. She slammed the door and left. The kid was an accidental witness to your quarrel and now constantly asks why his beloved aunt doesn’t come. You:

A. Move the conversation to another topic, since it’s none of his business. B. Say that he doesn’t come because he doesn’t love you. Q. Say that you quarreled, but she still loves him, the baby. No. 14. As a child, you were very afraid of spiders and frogs. And even now I’m not happy with them. And now it turns out that your own child is afraid of the same thing. Are you discussing this topic?

A. Very rarely; I try very hard to hide my fear. B. Yes, often. And we go around the places where they live, on the sidelines. V. Yes, and together we figure out how to learn not to be afraid of them (and it seems that we are already succeeding). No. 15. You noticed that the child behaves in a strange and thoughtful way in the morning. After long conversations and leading questions, it turned out that at dawn he wakes up from someone's piercing cry. And then he becomes very scared...

A. I’ll say what it really is: this is a cat concert, I found something to be afraid of! B. I will say and try to show these singing cats who organize concerts. Q. When the cats start singing, I’ll carefully wake them up, and together we’ll watch and listen to a cat concert, talk about the quirks of nature, instinct... and about love. results

Most answers A It seems that you yourself contribute to the formation of some children's fears. You don’t pay attention to the age-related characteristics of children (for example, the fact that children see the world figuratively and vividly, and logical explanations have almost no effect on them) and therefore fight children’s fears in adult ways, voluntarily or unwittingly giving a critical assessment of the child’s behavior - “ Why are you so scared like a little boy? This lowers the child’s self-esteem, and, as a result, the child can easily develop another fear or complex.

You need to fight not with the situation (close the curtain, for example, so that you can’t see what’s there outside the window), but with the cause of fear. And if we are to debunk fear, then clearly, so that the child can see for himself: it is not scary. It would be a good idea for you to try to look at the world (and what is happening in it) through the eyes of your own child, to listen more carefully and calmly to his troubles, worries, fears - and to console him and help him get out of them. Think about it, does a child always come to you with complete confidence: you will certainly help? Just trust the baby, listen to him. Remember, weren’t you yourself afraid of something when you were a child? What did you need most at such moments? For fear to go away, you need to experience it, and then give the child the opportunity to make sure that he is safe. And then new monsters won’t crawl out of the closet. On the contrary, good dream gnomes will settle there, bringing with them new good fairy tales. Most answers B In the heat of family life, you manage to remember that the psyche of children is different from the psyche of adults, and this is very valuable. This is what helps you distract your child when he is scared and redirect his attention. But for some reason it is sometimes difficult for you to believe in the sincerity of your own child. What seems like a lie to you is, in fact, ordinary children’s fantasies, in which truth and fiction are freely mixed. A fiction that he himself believes in! And if he believes, it means that for him he is real. Try to feel the baby’s condition, remember yourself as a child, your fears and experiences - and it will become easier for you to understand the child.

You know how to reassure, convince that everything is okay, that the world is stable, and that mom is always there. And that's great. But for future life it will be even better if you not only reassure and set them in an optimistic mood, but also equip them with techniques on how to overcome fear. Try to structure the situation more often so that the child can see for himself: it’s not scary, because... and what needs to be done to... Being able to think and find a way out on your own is the best insurance against both dangers and fears.

Most answers B You know how to notice signs of fear and come to the rescue in time. At the same time, you do this tactfully, without lowering the child’s self-esteem, without bringing confusion into the magical children’s world. And it’s very good that your main emphasis is not on words, but on deeds and actions. Such visibility greatly helps a young person deal with his fears. You know how to create an atmosphere in which the child feels confident and calm. And, just as important, you know the perfect weapon against fear - play and joyful laughter.

You don’t just reassure, you do everything so that the child emerges victorious from any “terrible” situation. And this is the best cure for fears and the key to a successful adult life. Because in fact, strength can be drawn... from fears. Defeated, they become your baby's helpers and allies. Because he gains invaluable experience of overcoming and winning. (1) Conclusion I offered you this material to help you understand that we can remove any unbearable fears from the space of our lives. Our fears are unfinished childhood fears, and sometimes even the fears of parents and grandparents. Rilke once said about people: “Strive to rediscover your childhood, and then the unconscious and amazing wealth inherent in the foreboding, dark and endless beginning of life will replenish your vocabulary.” Amazing words... I would add that learning about childhood replenishes our awareness and stabilizes the foundation of our personality. This is true, but remember that the work towards self-knowledge that I propose is not for lazy people. It is difficult and requires courage and conscious choice.

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Rules for parents

Trofimova also named several rules for parents. First of all, do not leave the child unattended. Don't forget that no matter what you teach, there is still a chance that the child will get confused and forget everything you agreed on. After all, even adults get lost in a situation of stress.

The so-called “victims” fall into the hands of criminals. Those who always give in in the family are older brothers and sisters. For example, they often hear: “You’re an adult. Give in to the baby." These are children who are severely scolded or even beaten. These are those who are prohibited from expressing negative emotions. Those who wait for parents for a long time and spend time with nannies or relatives. Those who live in a family with a person with addictive behavior. And also if there is someone in the family who has been ill for a long time or is very sick.

“There are many options. I will only say that if a child is used to giving in, he will give in again. The best defense is prevention. If you see that for some reason your child cannot defend himself, do not hesitate to contact a specialist. Try to build trust and friendship. This will give the child confidence and a sense of security. A child who feels protected will never feel the need to communicate with strangers,” Trofimova emphasized.

For prevention, the psychologist advised reading, discussing and acting out various fairy tales, for example “The Gingerbread House”, “Tom Thumb”, “The Adventures of Pinocchio” and many others, where a positive hero gives a bold rebuff to evil characters. This will give the child permission to be “bad” with strangers and suspicious people. And situations from real life should be discussed and told in an acceptable form, focusing on the age of the child.

The age when you don’t have to be afraid of strangers

Psychologists consider it normal for a child to remain afraid of strangers until he is 1.5-2 years old. Babies spend this time most often with their mother, their social circle is limited, so the appearance of other people causes natural anxiety.

After reaching the age of 2, children expand their circle of acquaintances; many go to kindergarten, go out more often to the playground and meet other kids and their mothers there. Therefore, the fear of strangers gives way to curiosity and often turns into pleasure from communication.

But some children remain fearful longer: they are afraid of neighbors, doctors, acquaintances, and parents of other children. This can also be considered the norm if fear does not have other abnormalities (mental, for example) or is not a feature of temperament.

Helping the child not be afraid of strangers, but treating them with caution is the task of parents and educators. In any situation, the child must be sure that he is not alone and can be protected.