My mom and me. Part 1

Updated: 05/07/2021 12:41:08

Expert: Lochukov Denis Aleksandrovich

The situation when a child from birth learns to sleep with his mother occurs quite often. It arises due to the banal fatigue of a “freshly baked” mother; it is naturally more convenient when the baby is nearby, because breastfeeding and stroking the baby half asleep does not require much effort, and it is easier to get enough sleep yourself.

As for the child, he, like any human body, strives for homeostasis - a state of balance. The body most often does this automatically. Therefore, being directly next to the mother is his natural state, in which he was in the womb during all 9 months of gestation. The baby felt the beating of her heart, her breathing, and her voice. His body is configured to maintain this balance.

Everything would be fine, but the problem is that the child has already been born and, willy-nilly, he has to start living on his own. There is nothing good for the child’s psyche in maintaining his prenatal conditions. The older he gets, the more trouble and stress the “separation” from his mother and moving to his crib will cause him.

The basis for raising a newborn, and not only that, is the desire of an adult to minimize his suffering. The less suffering this new world brings for him, the more open he will be to studying and mastering it. The higher the ability of an adult, in the eyes of a child, to help him avoid this suffering, the higher his authority will be and the more influence he can have on the formation of the child’s opinion and his future choice.

Therefore, it is, of course, better to accustom the baby to his crib from the first days of life. However, not everything is ideal in this life, and if this article is being read now, it means there is a need and the child has already learned to sleep with his parents.

At what age is it time to move a child into his own crib?

Today, the propaganda of “natural motherhood” has reached its climax. Lactation consultants recommend and sometimes insist on breastfeeding until the age of three. Not all mothers support this movement. In addition, doctors do not support such an opinion.

However, mothers breastfeeding until the age of three can count on relocating their child only after completion of breastfeeding. We all understand that a baby who is accustomed to waking up at night for his mother’s milk is unlikely to sleep separately.

The same education system offers the age of three as a period of independence. It is believed that the child is psychologically ready for changes in living conditions. Here I probably agree. But now we are not talking about moving to another room, but about sleeping separately.

So, there are several difficult periods in your baby’s life:

Weaning from co-sleeping should begin and end before or after the specified periods of child development. Many mothers were faced with the fact that a child who slept separately, at one and a half years old, wanted to sleep with his parents. So even the lack of SS practice does not exclude the possibility that the baby will come to your bed out of fear.

Ways to wean a child from co-sleeping: choose yours

The process of accustoming a baby to his own bed requires effort, diligence, patience and perseverance from parents. It is important to do everything consistently and calmly. You must not allow breakdowns and tension between you and your child. You can't raise your voice. A calm and confident mother is the best example for gaining independence.

Now about the methods. Ideally, you need to select several tips and create an individual system based on them.

Method number 1: gradually increasing the distance

First, try placing the baby crib close to yours and remove the side. Put your child to sleep in his own bed. When he gets used to falling asleep there, the side can be put back in place.

Gradually increase the distance between you and your baby by moving the crib away. Many mothers can simply reach out at night at the first sign of the baby waking up, and the latter will calm down.

Remember that from 9 months the baby can and should sleep through the night. At this age, there is no need for night feedings. Therefore, the training process should be calmer. If you are determined to feed until the last minute, then relocation should begin no earlier than the end of breastfeeding.

Once your baby gets used to sleeping in his own bed every night, the crib can be moved to the nursery.

Remember! You should prepare yourself for the difficulties of this stage. The mother should always respond to the child's call until he feels comfortable in the new environment.

Method number 2: sleep guard

This method appeals to me more than others. Psychologists and pediatricians suggest starting weaning from co-sleeping with a barrier between mother and baby. A toy can be such an obstacle. We all know that children treat teddy bears as if they were alive. This can be very helpful.

Choose your favorite soft toy or soldier, or car, whatever your child wishes. Entrust this toy to guard your baby. At first, when you put your child to bed for a night's sleep, leave for a few minutes to run errands. Let the toy replace you at this time and stand guard. When returning, thank the toy for its service. Gradually, the baby will identify this thing with safety and peace and learn to fall asleep with it.

For very young children, the warmth and smell of their mother is important. The toy that you put between you at night will also gradually become an indispensable thing for your baby.

Method number 3: grand relocation

If your child is over two years old, moving into their own room can be celebrated. After three years, the need for independence in children becomes pronounced. They want to have their own things and their own space.

Take your child with you to the store and let him choose the bed and other furniture for the nursery, wallpaper and decoration. It is very important that your child likes his room. Then he will be happy to spend time in it and sleep at night.

Attention! Be sure to buy a night light. Don't use dark wallpaper or hang a mirror opposite the bed!

After all the preparatory activities, arrange a celebration with the ceremonial relocation and opening of the room. Invite your grandparents. Let them praise your baby for being independent and for being such an adult. Children always like this. In addition, older relatives are an authority for the child. He will be happy to maintain their pride in him.

Why do they teach a baby to sleep with his parents?

What determines the need to place the child in the first months of life next to the parents:

A newborn baby sleeps better when he hears his mother’s heartbeat and her breathing. Such familiar sounds that he heard throughout his entire intrauterine development.
If the toddler is breastfed, it is much easier for the mother to sit down, take the baby in her arms and feed her than to get up, go to the crib, and lull him to sleep. Thus, mom’s sleep is practically not disturbed and she gets better sleep.
The baby is in the field of view of the parents, under their supervision.
When the baby sleeps next to the mother, the woman tolerates postpartum depression more easily, and in close proximity to the baby she receives peace of mind.

However, you need to understand that teaching a baby to sleep with his parents can also have bad sides:

There is a risk that one of the parents may accidentally run over the toddler.
Mom and dad lose the opportunity to lead a full sex life.
The child gets used to being close to his mother and then greatly depends on her; it is very difficult to wean him off when the baby gets older.

As soon as I arrived from the maternity hospital, I immediately knew that my son would sleep in his crib. I didn’t even think about the fact that you could put your baby next to you. In addition, in the maternity hospital I heard a lot of stories about how babies were suffocated while sleeping together or breastfeeding while lying in bed. Perhaps this is what had a special impact on me and caused such a categorical attitude. My son slept well in his crib. Even if it was more difficult for me than other mothers, I had to get up, pick up the little one, feed him, then carry him back to bed, and rock him to sleep before bed. But these were necessary measures.

Is co-sleeping really necessary?

Children who have been taught to sleep separately from infancy are less likely to try to get under their parents' blanket. As a rule, this happens only closer to one and a half years - the age at which the fear of the dark arises. Children who sleep with their mother from the moment they are born must be weaned before or after the period of fears and phobias.

So, should we immediately wean the baby from sleeping with his mother or give him the opportunity to sleep on a large bed? Pediatricians have different opinions. To decide, you need to know the arguments of supporters of both camps.

Proponents believe that if a child sleeps with his parents, it has a beneficial effect on the entire family. Doctors give the following arguments for co-sleeping:

On the other hand, co-sleeping can harm the family. Supporters of a separate crib give their arguments:

A compromise could be a daytime nap, when the baby sleeps and the mother lies nearby and rests. In this case, the baby is calm, receives safety signals, and the awake mother controls the situation and at the same time gains strength.

What to do if an adult child comes to his parents

If an adult child comes to your bed, there is no need to consider this a pathology or a nervous disorder. And even more so, this is not a perversion. This suggests that the baby is growing up dependent, and his parents indulge him in this in every possible way, so you need to gently but persistently put him in a separate bed. Otherwise, you will have to take him by the hand to lessons until the end of school.

There is no single right decision, whether the baby should sleep alone or with his mother. The choice of a place to sleep for the baby depends only on his parents. Here it is worth considering that all family members should be comfortable and the baby should be safe. But whatever decision you make, you need to take into account that by the age of three, the child should sleep in a separate crib.

Reasons why a child refuses to sleep alone

When it comes to older children who no longer need to be breastfed, there are reasons. The baby may constantly come running to the parent's bedroom or refuse to sleep separately if he:

No matter how stupid and far-fetched the reasons may seem, we must remember that the baby has a different perception of the world. Mom and dad are very important now, and lack of attention and support leads to stress and mental disorders. To wean a child from sleeping with his parents, you must first understand the causes of phobias.

How to wean a baby from sleeping with mom

Do not suddenly place the baby without the mother. Any change of environment should be carried out gradually so as not to harm the psychological state of the little one.
Make sure that your baby is cozy and comfortable in his crib.
Eliminate all irritants.
First, you need to teach your baby to sleep in his crib during daytime dreams.
Show your baby that his brother (or another family member) sleeps alone. Toddlers are strong repeaters. It is very important when they have the right role model in front of them.
Make sure that throughout the day the child is not constantly on the TV or computer.
Make sure that evening time is a quiet period.
Before going to bed, buy your little one, give him a massage, read him a fairy tale.
At first, you need to approach the baby when he wakes up.
Do not swear in the presence of the baby, do not yell at the child.
Create a routine. Your baby should go to bed at the same time every day.
Eating before bed should be light. But you shouldn’t put your little one to bed in a hungry state.

Weaning children of different ages

Sooner or later the child will have to be weaned. It is important to do this gradually and consistently. If a firm decision is made, you cannot retreat, as later the process will be even more painful. The process of getting used to a new place varies depending on how old the baby is. It is better to do this before the age of one or after two or three years.

From infancy to one year

Weaning a child from a few days or weeks of life to a year occurs gradually. The following method is considered one of the best:

After two years

WHO recommends continuing breastfeeding until the baby is two years old.
Further, there is no need to sleep together, so it’s worth thinking about moving out. If the parents and baby are not ready to sleep separately, then you can wait up to three years before weaning the child from sleeping with the parents. Komarovsky believes that the age of 2-3 years is the best time for this. According to psychologists, at about three years old children realize that they have personal belongings and personal space. They can decide for themselves whether to let other people use their things. Same with your own place. You can play on this by accustoming your child to your territory, where adults will not be able to enter without his permission.

At 4 and 5 years old, the baby strives for independence. However, at this age it is already more difficult to wean him off; it is better not to delay it for so long.

At first, you should not leave your child alone in bed immediately after going to bed. You need to sit with him, pet him, tell him a story or sing a song. After making sure that the baby has fallen asleep, you can leave the nursery, trying not to disturb his sleep. You may have to sleep in the nursery on a separate sofa for several nights.

At first, the child often wakes up in the middle of the night and comes to his usual place, the parent’s bedroom. You need to gently but persistently take him to the nursery and sit with him until he falls asleep again. The main thing is not to change your mind even for one night, otherwise the baby may refuse to sleep separately.

When and how to wean

Many mothers are concerned about the question of when they can start teaching their baby to sleep on their own. The answer to this depends on individual characteristics.

Psychologists say that children sooner or later enter a period of independence. It usually begins when the child reaches two years of age. It is important not to miss this period and begin to establish separate sleep.

If your baby begins to interfere with proper sleep, it’s time to accustom him to a separate crib:

Experienced parents and pediatricians argue that the entire process should occur naturally. If your baby is afraid to sleep alone, you can place his crib closer to yours and lower the side. This way he will see that his parents are nearby and will feel safe. When the baby gets used to it, the side should be returned to the reverse position, and the crib should be gradually moved away.
Prepare your child in advance: let him get acquainted with the crib, lie down, and play in it. Watch cartoons together where the characters sleep on their own. Buy a beautiful set of bed linen with your favorite fairy tale, cartoon or movie characters.
You should not start teaching a separate sleep if changes have occurred in your child’s life. For example, he started attending kindergarten.
Also, “sleepy” rituals will help in training yourself to sleep independently: a warm bath, reading books, putting toys away, a light massage.
Tell your child how smart and well done he is. That he has matured and become independent. After all, children need the praise of their parents.
Choose your favorite toy that will become a friend - it’s not scary to sleep together.

Advice from experienced mothers

Experienced mothers know in practice that each person is individual from birth, and they offer methods that suit them. The following recommendations can make getting used to new conditions less painful:

You can wean a child from sleeping with his mother at any age, especially if the views of the mother and father on the educational process coincide. If the baby is used to sleeping separately, and then again begins to ask for an adult bed, it is necessary to find out the reason and dispel his anxiety and fears. Sleeping independently should be praised; children need parental approval at any age.

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