Why does the child sleep only in his mother’s arms and how to correct this situation?

The child refuses to sleep in his own crib, protesting in every possible way against being placed in a cradle. He cries, is capricious, screams, causing irritation and a feeling of helplessness in his parents.

Why does a baby fall into a sweet sleep only in his mother’s arms? Doesn't this indicate certain violations? What to do if an infant falls asleep only in your arms? There are quite a lot of questions, which is why a separate article is worth devoting to the problem of a “tame” baby.

Signs of restless sleep

The high need of a newborn baby for feeding and sleep is well known. The baby can spend up to 20 hours a day in a “sleeping” state. However, babies fall asleep differently.

Some children are immersed in the “embrace of Morpheus” as soon as they drink their mother’s milk, while others have to be lulled to sleep, rocked in their arms until they deign to close their eyes.

Thus, the process of putting a newborn or an older baby to bed begins to turn not into a pleasant ritual, but into daily hard labor. Moreover, problems happen both day and night.

The main signs of sleep problems are as follows:

• a newborn baby categorically does not want to fall asleep on his own, so the mother has to come up with some tricks - for example, rocking him to sleep for a long time;
• a baby can fall asleep in his arms almost instantly, but always wakes up as soon as his mother tries to put him in his own bed;
• the newborn seems to fall asleep, but only when he feels the close presence of his mother, as soon as she moves away, he instantly awakens.

In especially severe cases, mothers are forced to doze in a sitting position, holding their baby in their arms. There is no talk of proper rest, since women are afraid of dropping the child and injuring him.

To understand how to wean a child from falling asleep in your arms, you need to understand the background of such behavior. Usually, the reasons for not wanting to go to bed are common to many children.

Why does the baby wake up when being shifted?

There are several reasons why a child immediately wakes up after being shifted:

• did not go into deep sleep;
• fell asleep overtired;
• sentinel point in the brain.

Let's take a closer look at them.

Didn't go into deep sleep

If we talk about small children, from birth to 4 months, they enter the deep sleep phase 20 minutes after closing their eyes.

As soon as the mother notices that the baby has relaxed, his pupils have stopped moving under his eyelids, involuntary movements of the arms and legs have gone away - this is an indication that the baby has fallen into deep sleep and can be shifted.

Important! Children older than four months go into the deep sleep phase faster, and here the task of parents is not to linger, not to hold the baby in their arms.

A mother may, out of habit, hold her baby for 20–30 minutes, expecting him to go into deep sleep, but in fact he has already slept in her arms.

At the time when his mother tries to shift him, he is already in a shallow sleep, monitors the entire situation and opens his eyes.

Overwork

The next reason why a child may wake up immediately is that the child’s rhythm of the day is not structured correctly; the baby went to sleep overtired.

There are a lot of stress hormones in his body and they do not allow him to fully relax. Here, the first thing that needs to be corrected is to build a daily routine that is age-appropriate.

Danger signal

Another thing that makes a baby wake up is that none of us sleep continuously.

All adults who fall asleep experience a change in sleep cycles, and during this change micro-awakenings occur, which are often not even remembered.

If during such micro-awakenings a person smells smoke or some extraneous footsteps, we will wake up completely. This is the so-called sentry point in the brain, which is responsible for our safety, survival, its task is to check whether everything is the same as at the moment of falling asleep.

You can imagine such a situation - a child fell asleep in his mother’s arms, but wakes up while lying in bed, his brain sends signals for help, and the child wakes up completely, because the sleeping conditions have changed, he does not know whether it is dangerous or not.

Recommended reading: Books that are best to read before bed

Why does a child sleep in his arms?

The underlying, one might even say fundamental, reason for this behavior is the child’s desire to be close to his mother. Having been born, the baby finds himself in a world alien to him, replete with unfamiliar aromas, sounds and objects.

Both a newborn and even an infant at 2 or 3 months feel a certain discomfort and fear while outside the mother’s womb. Calm comes only if his mother holds him close to her, and he has the opportunity to hear her heart beating.

According to psychologists, a constant sense of maternal presence allows a child to grow up more self-sufficient and self-confident. From early childhood, he develops basic trust in the world, a sense of security and high self-esteem.

The psychology of children at 2 or 3 months is such that when they close their eyes, they cease to perceive the world around them. And along with reality, not only objects disappear, but also the mother - the closest person to the baby on earth.

The result of such psychological characteristics of infants is the following patterns that worry some mothers:

• the child closes his eyes → the world around him disappears → the baby begins to feel fear → smells and embraces his mother → the fear goes away;
• the baby is lying in the crib → the mother is standing nearby → he is fighting sleep on a subconscious level so as not to lose his mother → the eyes close, the mother disappears → the child cries, attracting attention to himself.

In addition, the desire to fall asleep exclusively in mother's arms can be caused by a banal malaise - colic, increased gas formation, teething, colds. All this leads to increased child anxiety and the desire to be close to the mother.

Wrong and right actions of parents

You can often come across advice that, they say, stop following the lead of infants. You just need to put the child in the crib, and then boldly leave the room and not listen to loud screams and roars, because this is just a child’s whim.

This opinion is not entirely correct. A baby of 2 or 3 months is an extremely dependent creature on its mother, not only physiologically, but also psychologically. A two-month-old child is not yet able to understand that his mother, who has gone into the next room, will return in 5 to 10 minutes.

His instincts make him “think” that he is left alone. Even a 3-year-old child, having let his mother out of his eyes in a store or on the beach, will begin to cry, since this event is extremely traumatic for him. What can we say about a three-month-old toddler?

However, there is another extreme - at the very first squeak of a child, parents rush to the crib, pull out the child and begin to frantically rock him to sleep, trying to achieve his complete calm.

Such parental reactions are also not always adequate to the situation, since children's crying is completely natural and, moreover, the only way to communicate with the outside world. Perhaps the baby just raised his voice, showing that he was uncomfortable, but would calm down very soon.

It is necessary to subtly feel your child, his cry, since the motive for crying can be different. Some people really only cry in “emergency” situations and needs. Others, from a young age, become manipulators, forcing their mother to come at the first peep.

What should a mother do if the child sleeps only in her arms? Focus on its features:

• If he screams loudly and for a long time, you need to take him in your arms, talk gently, and gently rock him. Such actions are sure to calm even the most restless baby;
• If he falls asleep in your arms, but tolerates being placed in a crib well, you need to sing lullabies to him more often so that he feels maternal closeness.

Read below for other useful recommendations answering the question of how to wean a child from sleeping in your arms.

How to improve sleep?

Improving sleep includes several elements:

• analysis of external sleep conditions: whether the child is cold or hot, humidity and freshness of the air (read in more detail the important article Temperature in the room for a newborn >>>);
• building a suitable sleep rhythm (optimal alignment according to age);
• mood for sleep, it is necessary that the child relaxes and goes to sleep calmly and quickly;
• putting the child to bed in a timely manner so that the baby goes to sleep at the appropriate time.

When all these conditions are met, then the mother has a better chance of shifting it.

Wrong and right actions of parents

Many people advise staying calm and not giving in to the whims of children. Children should sleep in a designated place. To form the habit of resting in the crib, put him to bed, leave the room, and do not react to whims or a child’s cry.

We recommend reading: Sleeping a baby with the breast: how to wean a baby from sleeping and sucking on the breast all the time?

This behavior is not always appropriate. Newborns in the first months of life are connected by an invisible thread to their mother. Babies need psychological and emotional contact with their mother. At this age, children do not understand that the parent leaving the room is nearby.

The feeling that the baby is alone in the room causes fear. Children of older age categories - 2-3 years old, having lost a parent on the street, in a noisy store, panic and start screaming. The disappearance of a coveted object from a tiny person’s field of vision is very stressful.

Some parents tend to panic. Hearing a child's crying and screams, they rush to the crib, grab the baby, rock it, cradle it, trying to stop the hysteria.

This tactic is unacceptable. If a child cries, this is not a sign of negative emotions, pain, hunger, or discomfort. With the help of screams, the baby communicates with the outside world.

Attentive, caring parents personally capture the timbre, tone, and motive of a child’s crying. Some children call on adults for help in emergencies. Others tend to get what they want in this way.

How to behave correctly, how to act if the baby goes into hibernation only in a warm embrace? Consider individual characteristics:

• If there are loud screams or continuous crying, talk to the baby, sing a song, and carefully pick him up. Such activities will have a calming effect;
• if the baby wakes up when you try to move him to his bed, talk to him, read fairy tales, sing songs. Make them feel like you are nearby.

Child psychologists give a number of useful tips to relatives of restless children.

How to stop a child from falling asleep in your arms?

What should a mother do in this case? Will she really have to give up other household chores and responsibilities in order to constantly lull the baby to sleep and not let him out of her arms? Agree, this is extremely difficult, especially since the baby is gradually gaining body weight.

In order for the baby to fall asleep peacefully in the crib, it is necessary to satisfy his need for contact with his mother during the day (and at night) by any means. Experienced mothers and specialists give several recommendations:

1. To constantly feel the mother's body, you can carry the baby in a sling. This device will also help relieve stress from your back and free your hands to do housework.
2. Another effective method is co-sleeping. In the first weeks of a child’s life, experts advise placing a baby crib next to the parent’s bed so that the baby feels maternal closeness and feels comfortable and safe.
3. It is better to swaddle a newborn before falling asleep. The position with the arms and legs pressed to the body is similar to the intrauterine state, and this creates a feeling of security in the baby. In this case, the child falls asleep much faster and wakes up less often.
4. If the baby does not sleep at night, exhausting the mother with constant whims and crying, you can change the routine. You should not put your baby to bed during the day; in this case, he will fall asleep more likely in the evening. It is only important not to overdo it with daily activity.

You should also worry about purchasing a comfortable crib with bedding that is pleasant to the touch. And so that the child can quickly get used to his personal furniture, you can put his mother’s thing in it. The baby will feel a familiar aroma and fall asleep faster.

To teach your baby to fall asleep on his own, you need to create a habit of darkness in your baby. For example, during the day the windows in the room are tightly curtained. As a result, the child develops a reflex - it’s dark, which means he needs to fall asleep.

But motion sickness should be treated with extreme caution. The baby may get used to such movements and generally stop sleeping without first rocking.

How to prepare your baby for bed

Proper preparation is to tire your baby out. So that he does not have the strength to fight his persistent mother, and he sleeps the way his parents want. To do this, every evening you need to carry out a set of activities that the baby gradually remembers. Within a couple of weeks, the baby will know for sure that a certain algorithm is preparation for bed and at the end of these actions it is necessary to fall asleep.

The first thing you should pay attention to is the amount of sleep. If a child sleeps only in his arms, it means he doesn’t really want to sleep, but in his mother’s arms it’s a sin not to take a nap. If your baby sleeps three times a day, try switching him to two naps; if he sleeps twice, perhaps one nap during the day will save you. And further. You need to know how long the baby was awake. Do not put your baby to bed if less than three hours have passed (unless he is a baby, of course). In order for the baby to fall asleep in the crib and in any other place, the child must be tired!

The first thing you need to do before going to bed is a massage; it will allow the baby to sleep well all night. In addition, massage is very beneficial for the body - blood circulation in tissues improves, the baby grows better. After the massage - a cool bath. She will force the child to move a lot so that the baby spends the remaining “unspent” energy. After the bath, the baby needs to be changed into clean clothes and given plenty to eat; what kind of sleep can there be on an empty stomach? After such manipulations, the child will not only sleep in his crib, but will also fall asleep in any position - he will be so exhausted. Only, of course, if he is not bothered by his tummy or teeth.

Remember, the time when a child will constantly ask for your hugs will sooner or later end. The baby grows up and understands that everyone should have their own crib. Another couple of decades will pass, and you will remember with warmth and trepidation this time when the child could not do without his mother. Be patient, and the solution to the problem will definitely come by itself!

how to put your baby to sleep during the day

Recommendations from psychologists

If a child at both 3 and 6 months continues to scream when put to bed and asks to be held back in his mother’s arms, and none of the methods described above work, you should seek psychological help.

Don’t know how to put your child to sleep quickly and without unnecessary tears? Recommendations from psychologists and proprietary methods will help solve this problem.

Among the most popular expert advice, there are several useful recommendations:

1. You should not sharply deny your baby affection by rejecting his request to be held in your arms. As already mentioned, tactile contact has a positive effect on the development of children.
2. It is necessary to improve children's curiosity and thinking by tilting the baby over various objects and bringing it, for example, to shelves. In this case, the child will cease to be interested exclusively in the mother’s hands.
3. It is important to demonstrate love and tenderness not just with hugs, but also with gentle massage, kisses, touches and other stroking movements.
4. Day after day, it is necessary to learn to distinguish manipulative crying from tears that are caused by completely objective reasons (hunger, wet diapers, fear, etc.).
5. If a sleeping baby suddenly cries and screams, you should not immediately pick him up. Most likely, he will calm down on his own after two or three minutes.
6. Try to establish a clear daily routine that will form a good “tradition” of falling asleep at a strictly defined time. To do this, it is useful to bathe the baby and give him a massage before falling asleep.
7. Long walks in the fresh air are especially beneficial. Despite the fact that it is too early to talk about high activity, new experiences will help the baby fall asleep faster and without motion sickness.

When trying to saturate your child’s day with information and physical activity as much as possible, it is important not to overdo it. Otherwise, the baby may become overexcited and not close his eyes at all. That is why it is necessary to give up noisy games a couple of hours before bedtime.

Features of newborn psychology

Like any human being, the baby also has psychological characteristics. After all, the psyche is a tool of Homo sapiens. Here you are for one or two weeks trying to put your baby to sleep in a crib, but the result is the same: the child sleeps only in your arms, and as soon as you put him in, he immediately wakes up.

To understand what the child is missing and how to help the newborn improve sleep, you need to know what feelings drive him at these moments.

Just put yourself in the child’s shoes and try to feel what he feels:

1. For the previous 9 months, when he was still a fetus and lived in your tummy, you were constantly and inseparably next to him;
2. Mom was a source of food, peace, security, safety during sleep and wakefulness;
3. The baby all the time heard your heart beating, how you breathed, heard your voice. This became for him a symbol of joy and harmony;
4. Birth is a difficult and traumatic situation for a newborn. Especially if the birth was difficult, with complications;
5. Why did he go through all this - to be separated from you and lose these pleasant sensations? Now he can’t figure out where his mother is—peace and safety—and why she’s not always there.

Before you panic: the child sleeps only in his arms, what to do?! – imagine the stress level of the baby. After all, out of nowhere, everything changed dramatically.

• Mom's tummy was noisy all the time, even while sleeping. It was dark and cramped;
• All life processes took place in constant motion, including sleep;
• There were the same smells and sensations. 24 hours a day.

And now everything around has become light, dry, spacious, the noises are completely different, as if muffled, sleep should be without movement, there is so much “extra” around for sight and smell.

Can you imagine how much emotional strength a baby needs to cope with all this? And in all this, it is important not to lose his mother, who is his everything, because babies do not know how to count time and realize that she will return in a couple of minutes.

We recommend reading: Sleeping in the fresh air: what happens to the body?

And sleep is a period when the baby does not see his mother, which means she is not around. That’s why it’s so important for your baby to feel your presence.

The nervous system of babies up to 3-4 months is still very weak. It will take time for your child to experience a short separation from you not as the end of the world.

Interesting! Scientists say that the first three months after the birth of a child is the fourth trimester of pregnancy, which evolution took away from a person in exchange for the fact that he would walk on 2 legs.

So now it’s important for the baby to get enough of you in every sense.

The easier you treat this period, the more correctly and gently you care for your baby, the faster he will calm down, get used to it and let you go while he sleeps.

Watch the online course “Happy Motherhood: Methods of Gentle Care” where you will get acquainted with the characteristics of a baby from 0 to 3 months and master the practice of bathing, swaddling, rocking, comfortable sleeping with the baby.

How to transfer a baby to a crib?

It often happens that children seem to have already fallen asleep in their mother’s arms, but when they try to put them in bed, they suddenly wake up. At the same time, some babies do not cry, but simply carefully examine the tired mother and the surrounding environment.

It will be useful for parents to know how to teach their child to sleep in his own crib. The psychologist will tell you what training methods exist and how to avoid common mistakes.

Experienced parents recommend doing the following:

• before you lull the baby in your arms, you need to slip a diaper under his cheek so that he can cover part of his face, his shoulder, and one side of his stomach;
• When the baby closes his eyes, you need to sit with him for about 5 - 10 minutes. He is probably not sleeping yet, but only dozing, so you should wait until his sleep is more sound;
• Once you are convinced of the baby’s “serious intentions,” you need to transfer him to the cradle along with the diaper in such a way that his head continues to be on the fabric with his cheek, as when rocking to sleep.

Don't forget to swaddle your babies at night. When the mother holds the baby in her arms, he is in a cramped and confined space, and when he puts him to bed, the child feels excessive freedom. The upper and lower limbs begin to move, as a result of which the baby awakens even against his will.

Methods for teaching a child to fall asleep independently

Maria, 32 years old, mother of two children “My eldest daughter slept with me for almost a year and a half of her life and often fell asleep in my arms, and when I decided to wean her from this, it took a lot of time, effort and patience. She was 2 years old when she was finally able to sleep alone. Therefore, with my youngest son, I decided to start the process earlier, although I did not take any drastic measures. Now Yaroslav is 1 year old, I read him fairy tales before bed, and he falls asleep on his own.”

The main rule for teaching a child to fall asleep independently is to start as early as possible. At the same time, it is important to make a firm decision and realize how much the child needs it. Then the process will be calmer and faster.

Babies under 1 year

Pediatricians recommend the following sequence for teaching a baby who is not yet one year old to sleep independently:

1. To begin with, you should try to put the baby in your crib while he is not yet completely asleep, but only close to a state of sleep. If at the same time the baby begins to cry or be capricious, do not pick him up again, but simply be nearby, stroke him, talk in a quiet voice or hum a lullaby.
2. The same should be done if the child wakes up in the middle of the night. You shouldn’t immediately pick him up; you can try to calm him down simply by being nearby, stroking him, or holding his hand.

As a rule, babies quickly get used to new conditions. Yes, you'll definitely have a few sleepless nights, but it's easier than weaning off later in life.

Children from 1 to 3 years old

After 1 year, you need to talk to the child, voice that now the mother will stay nearby, and then go to sleep in her own bed.

Canadian psychotherapist and parenting specialist Alison Schaefer recommends the following tactics:

“Remove gradually. Develop a plan with your child. For example:

• lie next to him until he falls asleep;
• sit on his bed until he falls asleep;
• sit next to his bed, but leave before he falls asleep (but stay nearby);
• sit in a chair by his door, then leave and stay nearby;
• sit in the corridor out of his line of sight.

If you do not teach children to fall asleep in your arms or in a hug or just next to them until they are 3 years old, then it will be very problematic and more radical methods will be required.

Hard methods of weaning off falling asleep in your arms

Some mothers (although, most likely, there are very few of them who are persistent) use a quick, effective, but very psychologically traumatic method of weaning their baby from falling asleep in their arms. There are few reasons to use it - either your mother needs to leave urgently, or you have tried everything, and your five-year-old toddler is still asking to be held.

1. Put your child in bed and tell him it's time to sleep. Explain why he should sleep alone or tell an instructive story on the topic, hug, kiss and leave the room.
2. Naturally, the baby will cry and call you, but do not rush to run to him. Wait a couple of minutes, then repeat the ritual.
3. After some time, you can leave the children's room, but it is important not to react to crying. If the baby understands that after his hysteria his mother is coming back, he will regularly use such leverage.

Of course, some days will be very stormy: with hysterics, screams and requests. But it is important to maintain presence of mind, firmly stand your ground and never give in to persuasion. The child will understand that your decision is firm and will come to terms with it.

It is very important to explain to your child that you still love him, he is just growing, his things and habits are changing, and now he must fall asleep on his own, without his mother’s hugs.

To make the process of going to bed calm and simple, it is important to create rituals for falling asleep. Sometimes a child asks to be held because he feels good and warm there, even when he doesn’t want to sleep at all. The same procedure before bed will let him know that it is time for the body to rest.

As a conclusion

Of course, regularly holding a bottle in your arms is very tiring, since the baby becomes even more plump every day. That is why it is necessary to ensure a close connection between mother and child in other, less burdensome ways.

Experts recommend holding your baby close to you more often. For example, at night you can put him in a crib located next to his parents’ bed, or wear him in a sling. In this case, after going to bed, the babies sleep more peacefully and do not wake up as often.

Such measures allow parents to use pens less often in order to “force” the child to fall asleep. The baby, having had enough of interacting with his mother during the day, quickly closes his eyes, without fear of being left without her warmth and smell.

Well, it’s also important to understand that falling asleep in your arms is not forever. Very soon the child will outgrow this habit, and the mother will begin to remember with nostalgia that her baby once clung tightly to her, and did not run away, trying to become more independent and independent.