For a shy child, participating in a children's party, meeting new friends, asking mom to recite a poem to guests is real torture. Such children are not “eager to fight” to prove to the whole world what they are capable of; they are often unconfident and suggestible.
Play-Doh
Play-Doh
Shyness as an innate character trait is inherent in melancholic children - quiet, calm, self-absorbed. In this case, any attempts to forcibly change the baby’s nature can result in neuroses for him. But if shyness is the result of mistakes in upbringing, help the child become bolder.
Child psychologist and early development specialist Elena Vladimirovna Ushachyova explains: “When a child is shy, you need to understand how he himself feels.
Perhaps the baby is completely comfortable alone with himself, or having one single friend completely suits him. Another case is when a child suffers from the fact that he has few friends, he does not know how to make them and arouse the interest of his peers. There are already problems with establishing communications.”
“Children’s shyness manifests itself as early as 3-4 years,” adds psychologist Inna Aleksandrovna Maltseva . — For such kids it is problematic to meet a new person. They experience fear and anxiety, and feel unsafe in the presence of strangers. Shy children have poorly developed adaptive mechanisms. They are tense and anxious, constrained in their movements, overly restrained, it is difficult for them to express their opinion and be the first to say hello.
These personality characteristics of a child can increase by the age of 5 and gradually decrease by the age of 7. But in some cases they do not disappear, and anxiety becomes a personality trait even at school, which interferes with the learning process.”
Encourage independence
When at 4 years old a child is spoon-fed, at 10 years old he is packing his school bag, and at 12 years old he is choosing clothes and friends, it is not surprising that he grows up shy, dependent and insecure. This will continue to happen - even in adulthood, a person who grew up in “greenhouse conditions” is not able to make important decisions and overcome difficulties with his head held high.
Give your child a chance to show independence and strength of character, loosen control. Don't do for him what he is fully capable of doing himself. It is much better if you teach your child to tie his sneakers, rather than having to do it yourself until high school.
Don't form a picture of the world full of dangers
“You can’t go up this hill, it’s very high - you’ll fall and get hurt,” “don’t be friends with those guys, they’ll probably hurt you,” “you can’t walk alone, there are a lot of scoundrels around.” It seems that all these are just manifestations of care. But anxious parents pass on their many fears to the child, thereby depriving him of communication with peers and the opportunity to act decisively. Shyness is right there. The child will reason like this: if the world is so dangerous, it’s easier to hide in your shell.
Try not to form a dangerous picture of the outside world in your child. Yes, a child can and should be warned about the possible consequences of his actions and actions. But convincing a child that there are enemies all around is a big mistake.
Explain to your child that mistakes are normal.
Children are often embarrassed to do something because they are afraid of making a mistake. The root of the problem is inflated expectations and demands on the part of parents.
“Shy children, as a rule, rate themselves quite highly, but are sure that others are constantly dissatisfied with them,” explains Inna Alexandrovna. “They constantly expect positive evaluation of their actions from others in order to become more self-confident. Within himself, the child forms an assessment of the critical attitude of the adult. This paralyzes the baby’s activity and kills his initiative.
And if in early preschool age a child claims that he will not succeed, by the age of 6 he silently acknowledges his defeat. Stops turning to parents for help and withdraws into himself. Such a child prepares himself for failure in advance. His position in life is “I won’t even try, it won’t work anyway.”
Explain to your child that a mistake is not a failure. This is not a reason to give up and withdraw into yourself and give up what you started. The one who does nothing makes no mistakes. When a child learns not to perceive his mistakes as the end of the world, he will become bolder and more confident in his own abilities. Start small: do not scold or punish your child for accidental mistakes - a cup that is too developed, things that get dirty during a walk.
What experts say
Scientists at Harvard University have concluded that almost 15% of children are born with a predisposition to shyness. If raised incorrectly, it can progress and create problems in the life of an adult. There is no consensus on the nature of this phenomenon in scientific circles. Here are the main versions.
- Sociologists say that shyness is incorrectly formed social attitudes and lack of communication skills.
- Psychoanalysts explain the problem as a manifestation of mental subconscious contradictions expressed at the level of consciousness.
- Social psychologists believe that shyness is nothing more than the result of self-hypnosis. When a person tells himself that he is timid and shy, the quality manifests itself. Children can be given the attitude of shyness by their stupid immediate environment.
- Medical psychology sees the genetic (innate) nature of shyness.
- According to neuroscientists, painful shyness is a manifestation of metabolic disorders of neurotransmitters in the brain and asthenia of the central nervous system.
Since there is no consensus in the scientific community, we should not theorize in vain. It is better to consider effective ways to rid children of painful shyness.
Give praise instead of unfounded criticism
A child, constantly faced with criticism from mom and dad, certainly begins to believe in his own inadequacy. Hence shyness, lack of self-confidence and numerous fears of not meeting the expectations of parents.
Praise from mom and dad is what a child needs for harmonious development. Praise your child for his successes, grandiose and not so grandiose, encourage all his endeavors, cheer him up. But as psychologists say, praise can be different - right and wrong. So your little one did something good, how can you react to it?
“Praise the effort, not the result,” advises Inna Alexandrovna. - Recognize the child’s efforts: “It must have been hard for you to give half the candy to your friend. It was a generous act on your part!” This will show your child that you appreciate his efforts and understand that being generous is not so easy. The kid may not need to evaluate his actions; it is much more important for him to know that you see his efforts.”
“Try to pay attention not to the child’s abilities, but to what exactly he did, and note this in your praise: “I see that you put away all the toys. It’s great that the room is now clean.” These words will be more appropriate than “what a neat guy you are,” explains Inna Aleksandrovna.
“Another way to praise a child is to ask him in detail about the work he has done. With your questions, you will help your child learn to independently evaluate the results achieved. “Do you like your drawing?”, “What was the most difficult thing?”, “How did you manage to draw such an even circle?” - these are the questions that you can ask your child when praising him,” advises Inna Aleksandrovna.
“Sometimes it’s important to just be close to the child, and words are not needed. If your baby turns his gaze to you, wanting to attract attention, look at him back or hug him. These seemingly unnoticeable actions will tell the child a lot - that you are nearby, that you are not indifferent to what he is doing,” adds Inna Alexandrovna.
Positive aspects of shyness
Shyness indicates that the child has:
- subtle facets of character and soul;
- gentle and vulnerable character;
- he is responsible, neat, clean, decent and sensitive.
This is how well-mannered and decent children should be. Phlegmatic and melancholic people often have similar qualities. Parents note that the baby has a penchant for creativity, splashing out fantasy and imagination, and daydreaming. It’s good that since the inner world develops this way, the child does not get bored alone. He doesn’t need a big noisy company to be happy - his own small world and wild imagination are enough. Adults need to learn from such children. They often become talented artists, musicians, writers, and scientists.
But parents should be careful. The heir may be incredibly talented, but he will never show it to society. He will become embarrassed by other people, he will be afraid to show himself, for fear of being ridiculed. This situation may remind one of the fairy tale about the ugly duckling, who is beautiful, but sits hidden from everyone in a dark secluded cave. It is the job of parents to not allow this to happen for the benefit of the child. Let the flower remain in bud while it ripens, but force it to bloom one day in full bloom.
Give your child the right to speak
Everyone was taught as a child that it is rude to interfere in the conversations of adults. Yes, it can be considered a “flaw” of the parents if the child constantly shamelessly breaks into the dialogues of the elders. Do not prohibit or punish - for a shy child this is another reason to withdraw into himself. Teach him how to politely carry on a conversation and express his opinion.
A child already at 5-7 years old can have his own opinion. He likes clothes of a certain style, he is not happy with the decisions of mom and dad. Let your child speak out; he also has the right to speak in the family.
Firstly, this way he trains eloquence and the ability to formulate his thoughts, which is important for shy children. And secondly, you yourself will get to know your baby better - what worries and worries him.
Practice social scripts with your child
A shy child has difficulty even with basic “hello” and “goodbye.” Naturally, this does not have the best effect on his socialization in kindergarten and school. The baby is literally lost and cannot say a word, hiding behind his mother.
Try to develop your child's social skills with role-playing games and special exercises. Valuable recommendations are given by educational psychologist Lyubov Bykova : “There is a very good exercise “write a story.” It can be practiced everywhere - both during a walk in the park and while you are going to kindergarten. When you write a story together, the child involuntarily begins to share his impressions about his day in kindergarten - what he ate there, what games he played, who he walked with. With the help of such an easy and interesting exercise, you teach your child to express his thoughts and form a trusting relationship with him.”
“You can play a social game where the child acts as a buyer. You go to the store with him and give him the opportunity to pay for the purchase himself. As he approaches the cash register, he overcomes his fear of communicating in society. In the process, his independence and confidence develops. - adds Lyubov Bykova, - And if a child is afraid of public speaking, let him first recite the poem with his family. Then you can invite your grandparents and close friends to listen to the work. Work through every detail, creating a situation of success and supporting your baby. This way the child will stop being afraid and become confident. He will be happy to take part in the holidays, go to the blackboard at school and make new friends.”
“The simplest psychocorrection tool is to set up a home puppet theater. This way the child will rehearse different personal qualities in the game. He will choose for himself whether to be brave or cowardly, without receiving criticism from other people. The child will learn to transfer the personal qualities that were rehearsed in the puppet theater into life, advises Inna Aleksandrovna.
Consultation for parents “Do you have a shy child? How to overcome shyness"
Tatiana Nikitina
Consultation for parents “Do you have a shy child? How to overcome shyness"
How to communicate with an introverted child and how to increase his self-esteem
parents of shy children may even find this quality of their child convenient: the baby will not beat anyone in the sandbox or take away a toy. But closer to kindergarten, and even more so to school, many people already want to somehow overcome their son or daughter’s shyness and make them more sociable. What can you really change if you have an introverted child , and what about his character should you just accept?
Your heir has a rather closed character: he rarely strives to be in the company of other children, he knows how to invent games for himself and is deeply immersed in his fantasies, he listens more often than he speaks. Sometimes you think it's because he's an introvert, or shy , or introverted.
This may worry you - because due to shyness, the baby always ends up somewhere in the back rows, in the tail, misses out on all the most interesting things and generally spends too much time alone. Are you afraid that he won't have friends or that he won't be able to get what he wants out of life because he's too shy to ask or assert himself? Or maybe the experience of your own childhood “speaks” to you, when you were shy and avoided communicating with others?
It is important to remember that there is still a difference between isolation and shyness : in the first case, the child really does not need the company of other people, in the second, he does not play with other children, not because he himself does not want to, but because he does not know how to approach this daunting task. How to teach a child to communicate, because he will have to live in society, and he must find his place in the world?
Rules for dealing with a shy child
Psychologists are sure that while some kids are shy because they doubt themselves and have low self-esteem, others are simply genetically predisposed to this type of behavior and communication with the world. In their case, shyness is a hereditary trait received from mom or dad (or even from both parents at once )
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It is important to understand that introversion and shyness are personality traits, and not problems that must be dealt with. Many manifestations will gradually go away on their own - the baby will simply outgrow them.
Of course, this does not mean that you need to resign yourself and do nothing. On the contrary, in childhood it is much easier to accept and master the basic communication skills accepted in society. What can you do right now? Here are some tips.
• When communicating with your son or daughter, often ask the following questions: “What do you think? “, “If you were in this place, what would you do?” This will help the little person gradually learn to convey his opinion to other people - after all, he will get used to the fact that it is important to you, that you listen to him carefully.
• You should not constantly take care of your child . Yes, he is shy and shy , but this does not mean that you should act as his voice everywhere. Does your child really, really want you to buy him a chocolate bar at the store? Hand over the bill and send him to get it yourself (of course, the first few times you will do this together, a few more times you will approach the counter with him and quietly prompt him, and finally he will do it himself). Or a wonderful dog comes along and the child wants to find out what breed it is? Nothing bad will happen if he overcomes himself and asks the owner a question.
• Help your child identify and develop his abilities. Introverted children, passionate about something, are ready to immerse themselves in their passion - so help them do this! Encourage their enthusiasm, help them search for additional information, enroll them in a thematic club or section, buy high-quality creative materials or good sports equipment. Being able to focus on what you love gives an introvert strength, confidence, and happiness.
• Respect your child's need for a "quiet corner" - that is, personal time and space. If he goes to kindergarten, most likely, he does not have the opportunity to “recharge his batteries” there, so at least at home there will be a chance to spend some time alone and recuperate.
• Do not plan too much entertainment, visits to crowded places, even for a birthday it is better to invite fewer guests. By the way, if you are invited to a children's party, try to arrive there early so that the child has time to look at everything and get used to the situation. When other little guests appear, he will already feel like he is in charge of the situation and will behave less withdrawn.
• When empathizing with the baby, try to feel the difference between “pity” and “support.” In the first case, by feeling sorry, you confirm for him that something is wrong with him, that he needs your pity, and this makes the child weaker , even more closed and shy . Support is a message that you are there and accept him as he is, without conditions, that you will help him become strong. This is a much more “resource” state; potential is hidden in it.
• When you watch cartoons, explain why the characters act the way they do, why, for example, one helps the other, or where they go together. The subtext of many actions is often incomprehensible to an introverted child, who is focused on his inner world, his thoughts and feelings.
What to play with an introverted child
Let's go for a visit. Take several soft toys and divide them: some will stay with you, some will go “to the house” with the baby. Now the animals will visit each other! Let the child be in charge . Who will go first? What will he take with him - treats or toys? What will he say when he enters the house? How will the owners behave? Role-play all the dialogues so that the baby is both a guest and a host.
Can not hear anything. Agree with your child , let him tell you what happened to him, or a short fairy tale. But here’s the thing: your ears aren’t working today, so you’ll have to show everything. You can ask leading questions (“And then where did you go? What did you do there?”), and the baby will depict this using facial expressions, gestures and pantomime.
Cooking soup. Place a large box or container for toys in the room - this will be a saucepan. Agree that you need different vegetables for the soup. Some of them will be replaced by toy ones, and you and your baby will choose one name each, for example, “carrot” and “beetroot.” First, you will be the cook: command what to put in the soup, and when you name the vegetable that the baby has become, let him also climb into box. Then the child .
How to increase your child's and self-confidence
Many children feel shy because they lack motivation and self-confidence. Help your child discover his strengths. Together, discuss more often what he does well, what he is strong at, what qualities he has.
By the way, this does not necessarily have to be some kind of skill - singing, drawing, running fast. Maybe your baby is friendly, or is always ready to help others, or is very neat and already knows how to clean up his room himself. When you tell your child about himself , it helps him better understand himself, his place in the world, and forms his self-identification. It’s as if he looks at himself through his mother’s eyes – loving and admiring – and understands: “I am good.”
Encourage interaction with other children - not only with peers, but also with those who are younger (maybe your child will feel more confident in such company) and older (and such children can be excellent role models for him, but at the same time respect pace and his capabilities ... At first he can simply play next to other children, the next day he can say hello and goodbye, and after a while he can enter into dialogue.
Do not rush your baby if he is not yet ready to communicate. If necessary, become a “translator”: explain why another child , what you can tell him, what you can do together. For example: “The boy came to meet you. Look what a wonderful scooter he has. And you also have a scooter, a little different. You can go for a ride together.”
If you notice that your baby is happy to communicate with some child in the yard or kindergarten , get to know his parents , try to meet more often or go somewhere together. You can even invite this child to visit you - in a situation where your baby is at home, in his usual environment, he will feel much more confident. This will help him master the first socialization skills, be more open and interact with other people.
Avoid shortcuts. Often we ourselves aggravate the situation by calling the baby in the presence of other people - children or adults - closed, shy , shy . As a result, the child thinks : “Of course, mom is always right, I’m probably the shy one .” This leads to another “minus” from self-confidence.
Try to comment less on the behavior of the little one from an evaluative point of view, do not say phrases like “It’s a pity that you don’t want to be friends with anyone” or “Why are you shy ?” Such comments do not encourage the child to change his behavior, but they make him feel even worse.
Remember and then discuss with your child situations when he was able to cope with his isolation, for example, he approached an unfamiliar girl and asked permission to take a closer look at a beautiful doll or suggested that the boy exchange scooters for a while. Be sure to clarify how proud you are that the child himself entered into the conversation and was able to come to an agreement. Encourage this behavior - more open and bold than usual.
Help your child expand their social circle
A shy child has few friends. Shyness and lack of self-confidence prevent him from meeting his peers and communicating with them as equals. And often parents, seeing how difficult it is for a child to be in a large group, try to “protect” him. A nanny instead of a kindergarten, a minimum of time on playgrounds, holidays only with family - these are a whole series of mistakes that hinder the child’s development and do not help him at all with his socialization skills.
Even if your child goes to kindergarten, help him expand his social circle. It is important that he understands: a new acquaintance is not scary, but interesting.
“Walk with your child during rush hour, when there are a lot of kids on the playground, so that he begins to interact with his peers,” says Lyubov Bykova. — There are many active games, such as hide and seek, catch-up, and cycling. Don’t be lazy, take toys and a scooter with you to the playground. Visit new places more often, where the child doesn’t know any of the kids yet: here he will learn to get to know each other and build new relationships. The game is liberating, helps you master a skill and make it easier to defend your opinion and develop initiative. Helps build trust and self-confidence by promoting spontaneity. It is better to use games that help expand the child’s behavioral repertoire and lead to the development of the ability to positively resolve problem situations.”
“Enroll your child in various developmental activities where he can meet other children. — advises Lyubov Bykova. - At the same time, you can move on to group classes gradually if the baby is very shy. Let it be first one-on-one work with a teacher, and then small groups of 2-3 people. And then there is a large team. Change the situations around the child gradually, giving him the opportunity to adapt, then learning to get to know each other will be comfortable and painless.”
Causes of shyness in children
Of primary importance in overcoming childhood shyness is determining its root cause and provoking factors. Possible reasons include:
- difficult family relationships;
- fear of failure;
- psychological trauma;
- personal character traits;
- borrowed behavior.
Only an experienced psychologist can determine the real cause of the problem. If your child experiences anxiety and difficulties in communication, difficulties in adapting to school and kindergarten, you can get professional psychological advice from an educational institution. Qualified specialists will help you build harmonious relationships in the family and tell you how to overcome your child’s shyness and uncertainty.
Don't compare your child to other children
By comparing their child with other children, parents create unnecessary anxiety in him. The baby stops liking himself and becomes insecure and shy. Perhaps your friends’ child actually achieves great heights in school and sports. But the mother’s phrase “your classmate got an A on the test, and you got a C” will definitely not encourage the child to study more diligently.
Give advice, praise, criticize wisely. But in your “moral teaching”, avoid any comparisons that would belittle the efforts of an already shy child.
Elena Vladimirovna gives important recommendations: “It is very important for parents not to focus on the problem of the child’s shyness. There is no need to talk about this in front of the baby at all! Do not force him to meet and play with other children unless the child himself shows a desire to establish communication with peers. As a rule, by the age of 7 the problem of shyness disappears, as if it never existed at all. Believe me, your baby will grow up and will easily communicate with others and will certainly make friends.”
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Experts: Inna Aleksandrovna Maltseva Lyubov Bykova Elena Vladimirovna Ushachyova
How to increase self-esteem: 9 rules
How can parents or loved ones help a child in such a situation?
- Do not speak negatively about your child’s appearance, rather help him: select special products to combat the problems that have arisen (acne, excess weight, unpleasant odor).
- When making a comment, do not criticize the child himself, but speak only about his behavior or actions.
- Praise regularly, but only constructively, that is, for things that are not his responsibility or normal business.
- Don't compare your own child's achievements to those of other children.
- Respect your teenager: ask and listen to his opinion, consider him an equal and in no case humiliate his dignity.
- Watch his appearance so that he does not walk around in dirty and torn clothes, and also help him find his own style in clothing and teach him how to combine things correctly.
- Help you achieve something on your own, develop your abilities, but most importantly, define them.
- Teach your child to refuse: then other people will not be able to use him for their own purposes and will be respected more, which will lead to increased self-esteem.
