Aggressive behavior in a child: what should parents do?

An aggressive child is not a rare phenomenon in the modern world.

Unfortunately, for many parents this is a big problem that they face at home when raising their child, as well as in the children's group, when their beloved baby is in the same territory with a child who is showing aggression.

“What is the danger of aggression?”, “How to help a child with aggressive behavior?” – we will try to answer these and other questions in this article.

Portrait of an aggressive child

It is quite difficult not to notice a child with aggressive behavior. Often this is a pugnacious and rude child who can attack and hit a peer or parents, breaking toys, screaming or purposefully using rude language.

An aggressive child becomes a big problem for parents, educators, and teachers. It is very difficult to accept such a “difficult” child, and it is even more difficult to understand the reason for such behavior.

Aggressive behavior in children is a “cry for help” and a unique method of attracting attention. Such a child “signals” that he needs love and affection, understanding and acceptance. With the help of aggression, he makes it clear that he is experiencing internal discomfort, that he feels rejected and forgotten.

Indifference and cruelty on the part of parents can lead to problems in parent-child relationships, the result of which is the child’s belief that he is not loved. In order to change the current situation and “earn” the love of their parents, children try to attract their attention in any way, including aggressive behavior. If a child feels that he is vulnerable, if he is not confident in himself, if he cannot join the children’s team and feel like “he belongs” there, then aggression on the part of such a child will not be long in coming.

Such children most often cannot evaluate their aggressiveness; they do not notice that this form of behavior leads to some negative consequences. They are anxious, fearful, and it seems to them that the whole world is against them.

It is very important that parents and teachers understand the difference between “aggression” and “aggressiveness”:

1. Aggression is a “one-time” act of a child that violates moral and ethical standards and can lead to moral or physical harm to others.
2. Aggression is a form of behavior that becomes “habitual” over time.

Fighter Misha: too much energy

Mishka is 5 years old and he is a fighter.
He happily gives commands to his family, and they have already realized that sometimes it is easier to obey than to come to an agreement. Nevertheless, the whole family puts up strong resistance to Mishka. Through joint efforts, resorting to telephone conversations with his strict father, and even physical punishment, we still manage to put him to bed during the day and evening, force him to remove the toys lying around the house, and behave quietly at the table, obeying the general regime of life in family. Since the problems began from birth, the family lives in a grave premonition of the pathology of the child’s development. In addition, antipsychotics radically relieve the sleep problem. By the time they contacted a psychologist, the parents had already registered the boy with a neurologist and psychiatrist.

What's happening . People who have a strong choleric temperament are characterized by endurance, assertiveness, high physical tone, the need for physiological satisfaction, and high excitability. Temperament is genetically determined. It cannot be fixed, but you can learn to cope with the problematic side.

First: choleric people need additional physical activity; it is important for them to move as much as possible. If parents restrain, “fetter” the child, the need for movement grows rapidly, and the “release” will become too intense.

Second: choleric people are expansive. They do not like obstacles and try to occupy as much space as possible. That's why toys are scattered everywhere.

The third feature: dominance. The best conditions for choleric people are a hierarchy, which is built on the principle “whoever is stronger is in charge.” The father’s authority is unshakable, but the rest of the family members are tested “weakly.” We are not advocating physical punishment, but sometimes you need to demonstrate strength by simply grabbing a child tightly by the wrist, or breaking a stick in front of him, or making a threatening face.

Children with choleric temperament are sensitive to strong signals. They do not take weak incentives, dull conversations about the moral side of the issue, requests for pity seriously. They do not listen to those who are weaker than them. Choleric children need not so much rest as additional stress and stress. They are real marathon runners.

Types of aggression

Among the types of aggression the following can be distinguished:

Verbal aggression

This type of aggression manifests itself in verbal form: an elevated tone of conversation, turning to shouting, insults and humiliation, and even threats are possible.

Physical aggression

This type of aggression is manifested in specific physical impact towards a person or causing damage to someone else’s property: bites, beatings, damage to various things, equipment, etc.

Direct aggression

A type of aggression that is directed at a specific object.

Indirect (indirect) aggression

With this type of aggression, a child can gossip, use malicious jokes, and provoke.

Auto aggression

This type of aggression that a child uses against himself. It manifests itself in tearing out hair, eyelashes, eyebrows, biting nails, and frequent trauma.

Raising Nervous Children

Effective treatment of neuroses in children can only be carried out in complex interaction between the doctor and parents.
Special types of therapy, medication and adult help will help relieve your child of a nervous disorder.

The child will no longer experience timidity and embarrassment and will become more active and cheerful.

The work of parents in this matter is very important. It is necessary to provide a comfortable environment for the child and find out the causes of nervous breakdowns.

A child squeezed into the strict framework of upbringing must receive his share of independence. There is no need to control your baby's every step. Every mother must prioritize her time correctly.

You can set aside a certain hour or two a day when she will be completely focused on communicating with her child.

The responsibility of every parent is to raise a normal, psychologically healthy child. A harmonious and calm environment will allow you to grow your baby into a person with a healthy nervous system.

How to understand that your child is behaving aggressively: symptoms and signs, diagnosis

What parents should pay attention to in their child’s behavior:

• the child cannot control his words, actions, emotions, and behavior in general. In rare cases, he may try to take control of his behavior, but nothing comes of it;
• the child often quarrels with peers and adults, deliberately enters into arguments with them and sorts things out;
• breaks toys, destroys buildings made by others; loves to spoil other people's things and at the same time takes obvious pleasure;
• does not respond to requests, instructions and violates established rules;
• deliberately does “bad” things to cause a negative reaction;
• remembers the insult and the offender, often wants to take revenge on the offender;
• cannot admit his mistakes, always tries to justify himself or blame someone else.

Children, especially preschool age, are characterized by disobedience. If there is a serious reason for this (unfair punishment, resentment), then the child’s anger and aggression are completely justified, and in such cases it is considered an absolutely normal reaction of the child.

Parents should take action only if they notice at least several of the above signs in their child regularly (from six months).

Diagnostics

If there is any doubt about the child's level of aggression, parents should pay special attention to his drawings, because they can be very informative. It may be time to seek help if your child:

• depicts himself as a small figure (relative to other objects in the picture);
• draws himself in a “closed” pose (an elongated, angular figure with his hands pressed to his body or hidden behind his back);
• draws himself with large eyes, with clearly drawn pupils;
• clearly draws teeth and nails;
• draws weapons;
• fire;
• huge hands, fists;
• regularly “forgets” to draw one of the family members or leaves this figure unpainted;

and:

• if there are many corrections in the drawing;
• the lines of the drawing are weak or there are no clear contours.

Diagnosis of a child’s aggressive behavior should be carried out by specialists (psychologist, psychotherapist, neurologist). The main goal of such a diagnosis is to find out the cause of aggressive behavior, to understand why, why and what he is protecting himself from. It is also necessary to clarify what “resources” this child has, so that they can be “relyed on” in solving this problem.

Encourage positive behavior

Even if your child is very capricious and disobedient, you need to find good things in his behavior to praise. For example, ask for something at the dinner table, and after you get what you want, praise him for the attention he paid to you.

Think about it, if your child constantly tells you: “No!”, perhaps the problem lies elsewhere - you say this word too often and are setting a bad example for him.

The more often your child hears a positive “Yes” from you, the more he will meet you halfway and fulfill your requests.

Manifestation of aggression at different ages

The manifestation of aggression in children can be seen at different age stages:

Infancy

Babies show their aggression when they are hungry, experience pain, discomfort, or are in an uncomfortable position.

Early childhood

Young children are prone to aggression:

• to an adult and this is connected with the achievement of some goal;
• to a newborn brother or sister, as the feeling of fear of losing maternal love and the feeling of jealousy intensifies;
• After a three-year crisis, aggression usually “subsides.”

Preschool age

Hostility towards peers appears. Aggression can manifest itself as a reaction to insult.

School age

At this age, aggression is most often manifested in verbal form to protect one’s interests (insults, curses) or to get out of isolation. Through aggression, a student can express resentment and fear.

Adolescence

In adolescence, the manifestation of aggression is indicative: “I’m an adult and I can afford it!” Most often, aggression is shown by leaders and/or outsiders, since aggression in this period is closely related to communication with peers.

Grandmother's rules of discipline

Many people use these methods and quite successfully - their essence lies in the incentive, not in the instructions. For example, instead of telling your child, “You can't play the tablet until you finish cleaning your room,” you can take a softer approach: “You can play your game, just finish cleaning your room first.” A slight adjustment of the phrase will motivate the child to work.

Causes of childhood aggression

Emotional abyss

If the parents and the child have not established or lost a positive emotional connection, if the parents solve their problems among themselves very violently and emotionally, and the extreme option is to blame the child for their problems, then this can lead to the emergence and consolidation of aggression in the behavior of children.

There are two possible scenarios leading to aggression:

1. Imitation . When aggression is perceived as an acceptable behavior option and a learned way of solving problems.
2. Loss of secure attachment (when there is no contact). If contact between parent and child is lost or was not established from the very beginning, the manifestation of aggression in the child’s behavior will not take long to occur.

Disrespect for the child's personality

If an adult (especially parents) allows himself insults, humiliation, and incorrect statements towards a little person, then this leads to the development of deep complexes. The result of such communication can be not only aggression, but also outbursts of severe rage.

Low self-esteem

One of the reasons for a child’s aggressive behavior may be low self-esteem.

If a child is not confident in himself, then he is not confident in those around him. Low self-esteem “pictures” in the imagination a danger that can come from peers, parents, and teachers. In such cases, the child, without waiting to be offended, begins to behave aggressively himself, thus preventing an invented attack “from outside.”

If such children, due to low/low self-esteem, do not have the opportunity to receive emotional support from their parents, then there is a possibility that the child will make a choice in favor of an aggressive form of behavior.

Hyper and hypoprotection

A complete lack of control, as well as its excessive manifestation, carry a great danger of influencing the child’s behavior patterns and, in particular, the level of manifestation of aggressive behavior. Excessive control on the part of parents can give rise to fear and anxiety, which, when accumulated in the child, will lead to an inevitable protest against existing rules. Often this happens in the form of aggression.

Give your child more freedom while ensuring his complete safety. Install the “Where are My Children” application from the AppStore and GooglePlay stores.

To be the best

The desire to be the best among their peers often pushes children to display aggressive behavior.

Modern heroes of cartoons, feature films, documentaries, and computer games, regardless of whether they are positive or negative, carry aggression within them. Often on screens we see the use of force for supposedly “good” purposes. Adults understand that this is an extreme option for solving their situation, but the child reads this message as a call to act in a similar way in any situation. They consider this path the most convenient in achieving a certain status among their peers.

In such cases, it is important to explain to the child that there are different ways to achieve leader status: for example, through abilities and hobbies.

"Like everyone else"

Nowadays, when a child finds himself in one society or another, the children’s team sees different options for behavior. If aggressive behavior is “supported” in the class, then in order not to stand out and be an outsider, it is easier for a child to put on a “mask of aggression” than to fight such “norms.” The pressure that a class puts on a child can be compared to the phenomenon of a crowd - it is difficult even for an adult to resist such pressure, not to mention children.

We should not forget about such reasons as overwork, a ban on physical activity, excessive consumption of certain foods (chocolate, caffeine, etc.), air temperature, noise level, etc.

Naughty child 2 years old

Until approximately two years of age, the problem of children's disobedience practically does not arise in the adult environment. After all, at this stage the baby interacts with his mother to a greater extent, and also does not yet feel like an independent person. Already after the baby has passed the two-year mark, he begins to take action, which consists of testing the strength of the boundaries of parental patience and prohibitions.

Such actions should not frighten parents. You should also not think that there is something wrong with the child. The baby is just following the path of development.

There are also pleasant moments in children's disobedience. After all, if children do not obey and try to oppose their parents in various ways, this means that a strong personality is growing, capable of showing will and defending their own positions. And if at this stage of children’s formation parents can become authorities for them, then the children will grow up to be self-sufficient and independent individuals. Here you need to understand that gaining authority is not based on intimidating children. Gaining authority in front of children is based on understanding and partner communication. The child can be forced to do what the parents demand. However, without understanding why such actions are necessary, children will perform them exclusively in the presence of their parents, and in their absence, they will do as they please.

According to most experts, it is at the age of two that a personality begins to form, and already at the age of three the child has a full-fledged “I”. As a result, it is quite important not to overlook the critical moment, otherwise, it will be incredibly difficult to correct the flaws in upbringing later.

How to raise a disobedient child, what to do when he throws tantrums in order to achieve the immediate fulfillment of all his “wants”. One of the methods to get out of a difficult situation caused by a child's hysteria is the method of distracting the baby. To this end, you can interest him in something while maintaining complete calm. Parental behavior at the first hysteria caused by a child should be as follows: a calm response and perseverance. You shouldn't be led by children's whims. If hysterics are repeated, there will be much less tears and screams, because the baby remembers that the first time the adults did not make concessions to him. Repeated hysteria is a kind of test to see whether he really cannot influence his parents using this method. Therefore, in cases of repeated hysterics, it is so important to behave in a balanced manner and not succumb to childish provocations and tricks.

Parents need to understand that their children are, in a sense, like chameleons. Since in similar situations, but in the presence of different adults, children will behave differently. You can often find a family in which the kids argue with their mother, but their father’s orders are carried out unquestioningly and the first time.

Thus, adults should understand that childish disobedience, which manifests itself at the age of two, may just be an attempt to test the firmness of parents or to test the boundaries of what is allowed. Therefore, parental behavior must be consistent, harmonious (that is, all adults taking part in the educational moment must follow a single strategy) and resistant to children's tantrums.

How to deal with childhood aggression - advice from a psychologist

A parent needs to know some truths that will help him in the fight against child aggression:

Exit, not suppression

It is always important to give vent to emotions without “squeezing” them or “suppressing them.”

Parents themselves must learn this, and only then teach it to their children. If you are angry, don't be afraid to tell your child about it. This is fine. This way you talk through the problem and it becomes easier for you. At the same time, you show the child that he can do the same thing - talk about what he doesn’t like, that he’s angry or upset about something. Gradually, the child will master this “maneuver” and understand that it is much easier to talk about the problem than to try to attract attention with his terrible behavior.

Correct example

It is important that your words do not diverge from your actions. Be aware of this. Do not demand from your child what you cannot do yourself.

If you want your child to express his emotions in an environmentally friendly way, pay attention to how his environment does this, and first of all, you, the parents.

If you have difficulty expressing your aggression and cannot “accept” your child’s aggressive behavior, then perhaps you should consult a psychologist.

Aggression is inevitable

If an “attack” of aggression has already begun, the child is screaming, trying to hit, then the best option is a tight hug. When he calms down, you can tell him that you are ready to listen to him whenever he feels bad. It is better to talk with the child at such moments without strangers and without emotionally charged words and expressions.

Methods for correcting aggressive behavior

All parents who are faced with aggressive behavior of a child are interested in the question: “How to correctly approach the correction of such behavior?”

It should be noted: in order for a sustainable result to be seen, it is necessary that the correction is not episodic, but permanent and comprehensive.

The most popular methods of correcting aggressive behavior, especially in preschool age, include art therapy in all its diversity:

• isotherapy (you can use various drawing methods: blot therapy, drawing with fingers, palms, feet);
• sand therapy;
• clay therapy;
• puppet therapy (you can purchase or sew dolls yourself for a puppet or finger theater, or make paper figurines for a tabletop theater);
• fairy tale therapy (writing fairy tales by the child himself and for the child. It is important to offer the child a role with a positive power characteristic, for example: knights, heroes, etc.);
• dance therapy, etc.

You should pay attention to outdoor games that help relieve tension and neutralize aggression; games to develop a child’s communication and positive behavior model, games to develop empathy and a relaxation orientation.

To release accumulated aggression, the child can be offered:

• crumple and tear paper;
• fight with a pillow or punching bag;
• use a "scream bag/cup";
• use inflatable batons, water gun, trampoline;
• kicking a tin can;
• rub plasticine into cardboard.

Parents' mistakes

The following factors can influence the formation and consolidation of aggressive behavior in children:

• low degree of family cohesion;
• inadequate style of family education (hypoprotection, overprotection);
• different parenting styles;
• demonstration of a model of aggressive behavior (parents to children, father to mother, etc.);
• encouraging aggressive tendencies in children's behavior;
• indifferent attitude towards the child’s social success;
• use of physical punishment;
• threats, “verbal violence”;
• introducing any restrictions;
• complete lack of encouragement;
• lack of attention to education and intrafamily communication;
• excessive control/lack of control;
• lack of emotional contact;
• underestimation of the role of parents' personal example;
• “life for the sake of children”;
• uncontrolled use of gadgets.

Create a good atmosphere

The behavior and condition of the child largely depends on the home environment. If there are constant quarrels and scandals in your home, the child will react negatively to such an environment - he will become disobedient, aggressive and withdrawn from society.

Therefore, you need to work on relationships in your family, create a warm and cozy atmosphere. It is better to sort things out without the participation of the child.

"Difficult" children

In certain life situations, obedient children turn into capricious little tyrants.
If a child is nervous and aggressive and does not listen to anyone, then there may be several reasons for this behavior:

• Lack of educational principles.

A child's life must obey certain rules. And it should not depend on the mood or well-being of adults.

Read also:  Child and memorizing numbers: how to quickly teach them to get along
• Lack of a unified parenting plan.

All household members must share the same opinion on the rules of behavior for the child. Different decisions and prohibitions of parents can confuse the baby.

• Indulging in whims.

You should not allow your child to achieve everything he achieves by shouting and hysterics. The baby’s instinctive behavior to achieve what he wants by screaming should be completely ignored.

Kids will immediately recognize who they can hold concerts in front of and who will not agree to shouting.

Books that will help you

A huge number of books have been written on the issues of relationships between children and adults, “correct” and “wrong” education, we want to share, in our opinion, the best of them. We strongly recommend reading it - you will not only find answers to your questions, but also get real pleasure from reading , and, as a bonus, a good mood and faith that everything will definitely be fine!

This book questions the traditional carrot-and-stick methods of raising children and encourages us to see the child as an individual in need of unconditional love. The author suggests thinking about the long-term goals of education and gives practical recommendations.

Parenting from the Heart - Alfie Kohn

The book easily and accessiblely talks about the role of parents on the path to growing up: “How dependence and helplessness turn into maturity, how our love and care, year after year, form in the child a secret support on which, like a pivot, his personality rests?”

Secret support - L.V. Petranovskaya

Lyudmila Petranovskaya’s new book will be useful to parents who are desperate to find a common language with their children. You will be able to learn how to navigate difficult situations, resolve conflicts and come out of them with dignity.

If it’s difficult with a child - L.V. Petranovskaya

Using promo code OZONO2GI16 you can get a RUR 300 discount. for your first order, for example for these books.

Doctor Komarovsky's opinion

A well-known pediatrician and child psychologist advises parents to respond gently but persistently in situations of disobedience. Don't make the mistake of threatening or using punishment. If the capricious person does not listen, Komarovsky gives the following recommendations:

1. Identify the reason for disobedience. Most likely, the child suffers from attention deficit.
2. Provide a comfortable, safe environment at home.
3. Having determined the cause of the whims, together with your baby try to find a solution.
4. Control your emotions, do not show anger and irritation. Children copy everything.
5. Do not stop hysterics and whims by shouting or swearing. Wait until the baby calms down.

When going through a crisis, strive to maintain trusting relationships and not break the thread of mutual understanding.

You can learn more about Dr. Komarovsky’s position on this issue from the video:

Democracy of family life and the importance of communication

Parents should always remain an authority for their children. Mandatory actions must be carried out quickly and clearly, and not subject to hours of explanation.

If the baby needs to be in bed at 9 o'clock, then he should do it. It is not advisable to talk for two hours about the whys and wherefores of supporting democracy.

The child must understand that if certain rules are not followed, the parents will be upset. And the child will try to disappoint adults as little as possible.

Mutual understanding within the family is the most important factor in the development of a child’s psyche. Therefore, by establishing or restoring normal relationships between all family members and communication between parents and children, significant improvements in behavior can be achieved.

Signs of a one-year-old crisis in a child, how to avoid hysterics and not damage the child’s nervous system?

A common cause of children's tantrums and disobedience is hyperactivity syndrome. What it is, how to diagnose and treat the syndrome, read the following material.

Raising children according to their temperament

Parents' behavior methods should be adjusted depending on the baby's temperament:

• Respect and calm communication with a phlegmatic person will help the normal development of the child

The child must understand the plan of action and hear a reasoned explanation from the parents.

• To educate choleric people, it is always better to turn to justice.
• Young melancholic people should always be praised

There should be more sensitivity and gentleness in communication.

• Sanguine people need to be interested in action

But under no circumstances should you try to force anyone.

What will happen next if you do nothing?

5-6 years is a turning point in the life of a preschooler. Difficult, disobedient children will have great difficulty socializing and getting used to the new role of a student. If you raise the issue of disobedience now, you will absolutely face even more misunderstandings in adolescence.

It is important to approach the crisis of puberty with established trusting relationships. Your son or daughter should know that they can rely on you and trust you on any, even controversial issues.