Norm or pathology
You are probably interested to know how other parents behave, whether they yell at their children. We will help you find the answer.
In 2021, psychologists conducted a survey on the streets of Moscow among parents and people who witnessed the screaming scene. Parents were asked whether it is acceptable to yell at a child. And the witnesses were asked to characterize such scenes.
What results did the researchers ultimately get:
- 52% of parents said that it is wrong to yell at a child, but 37% of this group noted that they themselves sometimes lose their temper. They justified their behavior by the child's uncontrollability, his whims and by showing the parents in a bad light.
- 27% of parents believe that shouting and punishment are the most effective method of education, and one cannot do without it.
- 21% do not accept this format of communication with a child and never raise their voice.
- 73% of observers believe that such parental behavior is unacceptable.
- 15% are indifferent to the problem.
- 12% believe that parents do everything right; you can’t raise children without shouting and punishment.
As you can see, you are not alone in your problem. But this does not mean that you can calm down and continue parenting with screams. We need to understand the reasons for this behavior.
Why do parents get angry at their children?
- powerlessness and despair;
- psychophysiological exhaustion;
- hatred of the child, rage, regret about his birth;
- an impossible amount of demands, responsibilities (the feeling that you are being torn apart);
- inflated expectations and demands on the child;
- personal triggers and trauma (for example, a breakdown after being interrupted or ignored);
- fear of losing control of the situation;
- fears, increased anxiety against the background of weak self-regulation (screams after the child was almost injured or received some kind of injury);
- disappointment in oneself, the discrepancy between reality and ideals and ideas about parenthood.
Psychologists, educators, sociologists and pediatricians unanimously argue that this style of parenting has a negative impact on the psychophysiological health and development of the child. This means that the problem needs to be dealt with.
Main causes of breakdowns
Fatigue
The young mother, of course, is very tired, because during maternity leave the entire household and caring for the baby falls on her shoulders. But this fatigue is mainly not physical, but psychological. Faced with a completely new occupation for herself - raising a baby - a woman is in constant tension, trying to find time to care for the baby, dealing with daily problems and pacifying the whims of the baby. Over time, the young mother accumulates colossal psychological fatigue, and she begins to lash out at her child for almost no reason.
Anger
Often the cause of a breakdown is anger - at the husband who does not help the young mother enough to manage the baby and the household, at the child who cries for no reason and cannot calm down, at herself because she cannot cope with her son or daughter and the household.
Lack of freedom
The birth of a child radically changes the life of a young mother; her daily routine is adjusted to her sleep schedule, the child’s nutrition, and activities with the baby. Of course, over time, such limitations begin to put pressure on the psyche of the modern mother, who is accustomed to going to work, shopping and relaxing with friends.
What to do
Analyze the survey results and your feelings. Don't you think the reason lies in the parents:
- A child’s disobedience and whims are the result of a misunderstanding of his requests or suppression of him as an individual.
- Experiences due to the fact that the child is shamed, does not show in the best light - the result of the parent’s dependence on other people’s opinions or the creation of inflated demands for the child.
I say this not to increase the feeling of guilt, but to make you understand that you need to work on yourself.
Parents' cries are a cry for help, an admission of their own powerlessness, a pedagogical failure. Or maybe something outside is bothering you (work, relationship with your partner), but you take your anger out on your child. Or this is how your complexes come out, your inability to control emotions. Or you found yourself hostage to a life scenario imposed on you by your parents.
So what to do:
- Learn to distinguish guilt from responsibility. Guilt is a negative assessment, attitude towards the situation. Responsibility is an acknowledgment of a fact, an understanding of one’s involvement in what happened. Feelings of guilt are destructive; admitting responsibility is necessary and beneficial.
- Determine the true cause of the breakdown. Admit to yourself what feelings you experience other than anger. Think about how to fix it, how to eliminate the stress factor.
- Study age norms and developmental characteristics of children. The irritation will subside if you understand and accept your child. And if individual characteristics are more difficult to understand, then there are general principles of development that are spelled out in any textbook or popular literature on psychology. For example, children 3-4 years old have poor time orientation, they cannot think abstractly, and therefore have no idea how long an hour lasts or how quickly 15 minutes will pass. And at the moment of crisis of three years, children need freedom, respect for their personality, and encouragement of independence.
- Get out of “imprisonment”, arrange your personal and social life. Social isolation, the inability to share care of a child with someone else, forces one to see the cause of personal trouble in the child.
- Restore your body's resources. Screaming is a primitive defensive reaction in response to fatigue, overstrain, overwork, lack of sleep, malnutrition, depression, chronic diseases, fatigue from life, etc.
- Get rid of idealism and perfectionism. Don't try to be the best, the perfect parent, or raise the perfect child according to an invented model. Be yourself and let your child be himself.
Be prepared for disruptions. You have to change habits, break behavioral patterns and build new ones. This will take several months. In case of breakdowns and disappointment in yourself, the return of feelings of guilt, re-read the first point of the recommendations. Again, highlight the facts and build a new plan of action.
How not to take it out on a child?
- Tags:
- Recommendations from experts
- 0-1 year
- 1-3 years
- 3-7 years
- 7-12 years
- Small children
Many parents face this problem - their nerves can’t stand it, an adult loses control over himself and takes it out on a little person. As a result, the child receives a much greater scolding for his offense than he deserved, or suffers for no reason at all. Parents are also not happy with this state of affairs; they feel guilty and powerless, but what to do, how to cope with this?
In order to overcome a major problem, you need to approach it tactically and strategically: apply some measures to generally improve the situation so that such mistakes do not occur in the future or their number is sharply reduced, and at the same time use local techniques directly at the time of conflict to make its the safest for everyone.
Strategic steps
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- Observe your emotions during acute situations. The very fact of simply observing and recording your condition greatly simplifies the issue of control. By observing yourself, you can find out what exactly and at what moment begins to irritate you, what state precedes it, at what moment logic begins to fail and emotions overwhelm you. How long does the acute condition last before a surge occurs? By being able to monitor these stages, you can manage your condition and take certain tactical steps in a timely manner.
— Do not neglect such simple remedies as taking vitamins, natural sedatives and restoratives (valerian, motherwort, beebread) and regular exercise. Breakdowns on loved ones, on children, are nothing more than a voltage surge in the electrical wiring of your body; in many ways, this is a purely physical problem, a problem with the stability and energy resource of the nervous system. And this problem needs to be solved from the physical side, from the body. Vitamins, sedatives and restoratives provide the necessary supply of microelements, regular exercise, even 5-minute morning exercises or dousing with cold water, stabilize the state of the nervous system, making it more resistant to changes and sudden stress.
- Set aside at least 15 minutes a day for yourself. If you have a small child or several children of different ages, this may seem difficult, but find an opportunity to devote 15 minutes a day just to yourself and your favorite activity, be it a hobby, a manicure, or a bubble bath. 15 minutes may seem like a lot, but if used correctly, that little bit of time can give you a lot.
— Not only children, but also adults need tactile contact, hugs, and the warmth of a loved one’s body. If your life lacks this contact with your child and other loved ones, your general irritability and nervousness, and your tendency to conflict increases.
Tactics
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- If the situations in which you break down are typical, they follow the same scenario, the ending of which is your outburst of anger, irritation, get ahead of yourself, do not wait for the moment when emotions overwhelm you and you behave impulsively. Instead, take some decisive step before the “boiling point”. If we are talking about a child’s misdemeanor and punishment for it, punish it before emotions heat up, then the form of punishment will be much more correct, and the child will perceive it more adequately. If we were talking about some behavior of a child that irritates you, which exists due to his age or character, that is, a situation in which no one is to blame, but irritation still exists - stop communication at the moment. Doing this before you get worked up will be better for everyone, even if you leave the room rather impolitely in the middle of a game or conversation - it's better than putting up with it and then inevitably getting worked up and losing your temper.
— Even if you are very tired or seriously busy, often giving your child 3 minutes of undivided (!) attention will be cheaper and faster than trying to refuse the communication he asks for.
- If you feel that a wave of irritation is already rising in you, try one of the following techniques: - change your physical position (sit with the child on the floor, or vice versa, stand up, move to another room); - start to carefully examine your child, how he looks, how he speaks, his facial expressions, the color and expression of his eyes, his movements, focus all your attention on this; - eat something right during a conversation or quarrel; - give yourself a time-out - kick yourself out of the room for 2 minutes
- If you couldn’t restrain yourself and you somehow lashed out at your child, even if he was initially to blame and the whole quarrel occurred because of his objectively bad behavior, still explain to him about your breakdown when you all calm down. Say that you were unfair and you are sorry. And it doesn’t matter what age your child is, if you say it sincerely, even a 4-month-old fool will understand you.
Breakdowns happen. This doesn't mean that you are a bad parent, it just means that you, like the rest of us, have something to work on within yourself. Don't wallow in endless feelings of guilt, rather spend that energy on something positive and don't forget to take care of yourself. If a parent invests literally everything in a child, sooner or later he will have nothing left.
Maria Surygina, psychologist
How to punish correctly
Education without punishment is truly impossible, but you need to choose pedagogically correct methods and maintain a balance of censure and praise.
How to properly punish children:
- Express your dissatisfaction in a calm voice, evaluate the child’s actions, not the personality.
- Clearly define the boundaries of punishment, and it is better to do this in advance. Adhere to a two-level punishment system: first a warning, an explanation of the situation and a detailed explanation of the future punishment, then the punishment itself. If you haven’t already explained that it’s wrong to steal other children’s toys, then you shouldn’t punish your child for it. Explain, and next time punish. The child must know in advance what he is sacrificing if he deliberately violates your requirements. And he must understand why he is being punished. Pay attention to the details, the exact timing and duration of the punishment.
- Explain in detail your dissatisfaction with why the child’s action is regarded as bad. Try to understand the child’s position, listen to his opinion, the reason for the action.
- Don't make your child feel guilty, but teach him responsibility. To do this, analyze each situation yourself and determine the child’s involvement.
- Adhere to a common educational position with your husband and other relatives. Always keep your word, don’t promise something you can’t do (“I’ll kill you for this”). Avoid double standards, for example, if you forbid your child to yell at you and other people, then you yourself do not have the right to yell at him or anyone else.
- Say that you hate to punish your child, but you are forced to do it because his behavior is contrary to family norms. Explain what behavior would suit you. Talk to your child and explain why this should not be done.
- Do not put the child in a corner - in this position it will not be possible to relax, calm down and comprehend the behavior.
- Don't let punishment depend on your mood.
You cannot insult, ridicule, beat, publicly punish a child or compare him with other children or with you during his childhood. It is unacceptable to deprive a child of food, but leaving him without dessert or pizza is okay. Other physiological and emotional needs cannot be ignored (“I don’t love you anymore”, “I won’t talk to you”). You cannot threaten, intimidate or humiliate a child.
There should always be more praise in parent-child relationships. We are more willing to express negativity, we are better at noticing someone’s shortcomings and mistakes. Learn to express positive emotions, do not devalue your child’s good behavior.
Afterword
Yelling is a form of emotional abuse. It does not pass without a trace for the unborn child. By shouting, you create a loser scenario in your child, lower his self-esteem, and undermine his trust in the world.
And if you give up screaming, you will notice how children will begin to trust you, feel safe, and begin to open up. They will see you as an authority, an experienced adult who is in control of himself and the situation. Children will learn to solve their problems and respond adequately to contradictions. Think about what kind of future you want to give your children. They will definitely copy your behavior and reactions.
In conclusion, we recommend that you read our article “How not to yell at a child - advice from a psychologist.”
