How to stop a child from swearing: recommendations from a psychologist

July 20, 2018

Averyanova Sveta

Swearing, foul language, “sharp words,” “bad” and “dirty” words, “Russian swearing” - no matter what we call this part of linguistic culture, it does not fit into any modern pedagogical system. The use of these words in society is unacceptable, but it is acceptable in certain circles, which, of course, do not include children. Then why does the child swear?

Why do children swear?

It’s surprisingly simple, but not obvious to moms and dads, that the causes of any pedagogical problems are hidden in the behavior of adults, for example:

age characteristics are not taken into account;
inattention of mothers and fathers to their own speech culture;
general pedagogical neglect;
features of the formation of a child's personality.

It is parents who are responsible for the health and education of their children and set behavior patterns for them from early childhood.

Is society to blame? Society dictates general cultural rules and imposes stereotypes of the current time. But until the age of 4–5, only the family can truly set boundaries, moral standards, ethical standards of communication and an acceptable level of personal culture for the little person.

Verbal self-defense

Overcoming crisis after crisis, children expand not only their vocabulary and communication skills, but also learn methods of self-defense. So-called verbal aggression can come to the fore when children are prohibited from other forms of aggressive behavior: biting, hitting, pinching, etc. Physical actions are replaced by verbal ones. This happens due to an imbalance in age characteristics and educational measures.

Effective strategy. Rebuild the education model, eliminating absolute prohibitions from it. Actively encourage the use of alternatives, ignore errors.

In search of the reason why a child swears, parents often lose sight of their own behavior. But it is precisely this that sets the main pedagogical tone in the family. Where can a growing person get a model of behavior if mom, dad and older relatives allow themselves to use foul language in the presence of children?

Effective strategy. It is important that the rules become the same for all family members. Children don’t understand why adults can do it, but they can’t. The girl does not understand why men significant to her (father, brother, grandfather) can use swear words, but she is prohibited.

Parental inattention

Whether it is connivance, overprotection or problems of a social nature, the basis of all this is the parents’ inattention to the actual needs of the baby. A socially immature, irresponsible or inexperienced parent is sometimes unable even to explain to himself why children should not swear.

Effective strategy. If a parent still feels the burden of responsibility for their educationally neglected child, but feels helpless, the best way is to turn to a specialist. Receive from him the necessary pedagogical advice and psychological support.

As soon as adults correctly - that is, in accordance with the age and life experience of the child - rearrange the situation around him and begin to behave in a standard manner, the problem of foul language disappears by itself.

A mentally healthy young man himself is uncomfortable in a state of constant self-defense.

Age-related psychology

It may come as a surprise, but a sweet little girl can swear simply because... she's growing up! In some cases, parents do not need to focus attention on the problem, but only correctly direct the energy of the rebellious child in a peaceful direction:

During the period of active expansion of vocabulary - 2-3 years - children sometimes repeat swear words , and this is not a problem. A daughter in a princess dress does not stop swearing dirty in front of guests, this amuses and amuses everyone - this is a habit. It is important not to encourage these episodes in the presence of the baby: do not retell them as jokes, do not laugh, do not brag to friends, etc.
By the age of the first social rebellion - 6-7 years old - it is a rare preschooler who remains unfamiliar with a couple of vigorous curse words. Unlearning dirty words depends on the level of the formed internal culture.
The expressive actions of teenagers, their demonstrativeness, and undisguised aggressiveness are also a variant of the norm. You can eradicate the habit of “swearing”, if it already exists, gradually as you grow older, but not by prohibition.

The child grows and develops. On his individual path, he encounters different people and situations, each of which teaches him something, regardless of parental expectations. Of course, it is rarely possible to constantly build a reality around a growing baby in which swearing is a completely unacceptable part of the language. Children and foul language collide from time to time.

Teacher's note.
Children receive education not only during lessons. They constantly absorb our experience, habits, copy words and actions. And the more significant an adult is for a child, the more likely it is to copy his behavior as a model.

There are different samples for each age. For infants it is mom and dad, for preschoolers it is the parent of the opposite sex, for younger schoolchildren it is the first teacher, and teenagers imitate each other and their idols.

And age-related crises are not at all to blame for the appearance of obscene phrases in speech. In times of crisis they come to the surface. And experience accumulates earlier - during a period called sensitive. Such periods of silent contemplation precede every age-related rebellion in a person’s life.

Watch a short video in which Dr. Komarovsky and a psychologist explain how to stop a child from swearing.

Reasons for children using obscene language

There are quite a few reasons why swear words and expressions may appear in a child’s speech.

Imitation

Children are little imitators. At first, the objects to be copied are mom and dad, then they are joined by peers on the playground, friends from kindergarten, classmates, favorite cartoon characters, actors, and musical performers. Naturally, if someone from the child’s close circle periodically uses obscene words and expressions, the child will quickly remember this.

The whole secret is that when people swear, they usually show strong emotions (appropriate tone, facial expression). Children remember such things very well.

If mom and dad use swear words at home, then the baby will begin to repeat them with a one hundred percent guarantee. And we are talking not only about dysfunctional families, but also about quite intelligent ones. After all, even a well-mannered person can use words to throw out negative emotions if, for example, he doused himself with boiling water, dropped a heavy object on his leg, etc.

Even cultured parents can swear in their hearts in unforeseen situations - the child absorbs it all like a sponge

Verbal self-defense

A child can show aggression at different ages. If a child is afraid to physically display aggressive behavior (adults punish for hitting, pinching, biting, etc.), then speech comes to the fore as a form of expressing emotions and self-defense.

Sometimes a child’s swear words become a way of verbal self-defense, a manifestation of aggression

Desire to attract attention

Perhaps, by using obscene words, the child is trying to attract the attention of adults who are too busy with their own problems.

When everything is going well, parents may, due to their workload, not pay attention to their children.
But when a child does something extraordinary, we immediately get involved - we drop everything we’re doing and start scolding, talking, discussing some topics with the child, that is, in fact, we get involved in his life. Sometimes it happens that it is precisely this inclusion of ours that a child, especially a teenager, lacks, and he attracts attention so much.
Sofya Shokotko, existential psychologist
https://changeonelife.ru/2019/04/02/kak-otuchit-detej-rugat-sya-matom/

Self-affirmation

This motive is characteristic, as a rule, of adolescence, when it becomes very important for a child to gain recognition and approval from authoritative peers. In this way, a boy or girl adapts to the society in which he wants to be, shows his maturity (for the same reason, many teenagers begin to smoke and try alcoholic beverages). Moreover, at home, in the presence of his parents, the student can control himself, obscene words will only occasionally “break through”, and in the company he will already be able to swear freely (after all, he does not want to be a “black sheep”).

For teenagers, swearing makes them “theirs.” Anyone who uses “forbidden” words becomes an “adult” and not a “mama’s boy” in whom there is no trust. A parental ban on swearing makes swearing especially attractive.
Vyacheslav Amanatsky, psychologist
https://news.tut.by/society/580626.html

Teenagers who use swear words seem more mature, rather than like mama's boys and daughters.

Video: why children swear (survey of passers-by on the street, including the children themselves)

A child swears at the age of 2-4 years

Vocabulary begins to form long before the first conscious phrases. To prevent swear words from entering the child’s active vocabulary along with his first steps, parents need to avoid using swear words.

The baby understands everything! Yes, he may not yet discern the meaning of the phrases spoken, but the brain absorbs everything that the parents say like a sponge. Absorbs and fixes for the future. Words, the accompanying emotional coloring, gestures, facial expressions - the baby will show all this at the next age stage.

The tactics of dealing with the first swearing in the second year of a child’s life comes down to emotional dialogue. The emotions of parents, as we remember, are standard.

If mom and dad don’t like the way “ka-ka” smells, then it’s really “ugh, ka-ka!” And mom and dad always avoid this “ka-ku”. They don’t admire it and don’t bring it home from the street until the child sees it. It’s the same with words: if they are “bad,” then they are prohibited, regardless of the presence of a child. They may not be used by anyone under any circumstances.

I am myself, and I am like you!

At 2–4 years old, when children go to kindergarten, parents have the first difficulties explaining the rules of cultural behavior. And here the child will show all the family speech patterns that he has encountered before. It is now that the problem of how to stop a child from swearing arises for the first time.

Simply telling him “no!”, punishing him, scolding him, or even spanking him is ineffective. A ban only generates increased interest, while punishment motivates action. Rebellion against all rules requires a different tactic.

Self-control. He always comes first. We continue to monitor our own speech. Any requirements for a child’s speech should also apply to the statements of adults.

Phrases from the previous age stage “Ugh, how ugly!” - does not work. It is better to transfer the emphasis from “you are bad” to “he is bad”: “Oh, how the boy swears! His poor mommy, she’s so ashamed...” The secret is that it is easier for children at this age to analyze other people’s behavior and learn this analysis from external examples.

Reasons why a child swears with swear words

Children usually use ordinary, everyday words consciously. If, for example, a baby says the word “apple” or the phrase “I’m thirsty,” then he means exactly what he says. As for swear words, children pronounce them unconsciously and mechanically, since they do not understand what exactly they mean and for what purpose they are pronounced. By the way, adults also, to put it obscenely, usually do not think about the true meaning and purpose of the words with which they scold: this is the insidiousness and destructive impact of obscene language on the human psyche.

However, there may be reasons why children can swear quite consciously, trying to achieve some specific and important goals for themselves with the help of swearing:

The child swears, trying to attract the attention of adults in this way. Moreover, thereby he can demand for himself not only a positive reaction from adults, but even a negative one. This usually happens when adults, for some reason, do not pay due attention to the baby, and he begins to feel unnecessary and abandoned. In this case, in order to wean a child from swearing, it is necessary to devote more time to him, play with him, talk, read him fairy tales and watch cartoons with him - that is, in every possible way let the child understand that he is very necessary and valuable to adults who he is surrounded;
By swearing, the child thereby tries to imitate other children with whom he communicates in kindergarten, at school, on the street, in the sports section, etc. Imitation of peers, and even more so, older comrades, is inherent in a child’s nature and is an important condition for children development. It is clear that such imitation can bring both benefit and harm. When a child, having listened to his friends enough, begins to use obscene expressions, there is no need to prohibit him from communicating with his peers (as many parents try to do) because it is pointless. It is impossible to completely protect a child from communication. In this case, it is important to understand that, most likely, in this way your son or daughter is trying to establish himself in a group of peers, proving to them his “authority” and his “significance.” In most cases, increasing one's own authority through swearing indicates that the child lacks self-confidence and is tormented by a complex of his own inferiority. Therefore, parents should try to instill confidence in their son or daughter. To do this, again, the child needs to devote as much time as possible, subtly and imperceptibly instilling in him the necessary truths and rules of behavior that will help the child acquire real, and not false, authority among his peers;
Many children use obscene language out of spite or in retaliation to their parents or other adults who surround them (educator, teacher, coach, neighbor, etc.). In other words, in this way they rebel against what they think is an unfair attitude towards themselves and their interests. For the most part, parents and other adults themselves are to blame for this, calling children all sorts of offensive epithets or using corporal punishment as an educational argument. Child psychology is such that the child perceives such epithets (not to mention corporal punishment) as his own uselessness for parents and other adults. Therefore, adults should try in every possible way to avoid any abusive epithets and corporal punishment in communicating with children, explaining to them, using different words and the right tone, exactly what they are doing wrong;
The adults surrounding the child swear themselves. This is one of the main reasons that sooner or later the baby will start using obscene language. He takes words from his parents' repertoire and inserts them into his vocabulary. The solution in this case is simple: in order to never hear swear words from children’s lips, adults themselves must not swear with swear words;
The child awakens interest in his own body and physiology. Often it is for this reason that children begin to use obscene language. Moreover, it is on this topic that one can currently find many “commentators” and “specialists” – both among peers and on the Internet and TV. Moreover, a significant part of such “specialists” express themselves precisely with the help of swear words or in verbal expressions very close to obscene language. Having heard or read enough of such “comments”, children perceive them as truth, and they themselves begin to express themselves in a similar way. Scolding them in this case is very dangerous, since the child may form a perverted idea about such things. It is much more reasonable to understand that such interest in children is a natural process, and one should speak about it not in obscene terms, but in completely normal words. And, of course, explain this to the child.

These are just the main, that is, the most common reasons why children begin to use swear words in conversation. Such reasons are eliminated, first of all, thanks to a calm, friendly and loving atmosphere in the family where children grow up and are raised.

Childhood and swearing

Everyday practice shows that children can swear at any age - from two years old, when they just learned to pronounce their first words, to adolescence. However, the reasons why they utter obscene words at one age or another are different:

If the baby is 2-3 years old, then he utters bad words unconsciously. At this age, a child is just learning to speak by hearing words from someone else, memorizing them, repeating them, and usually not understanding their essence and meaning. Therefore, most likely, he also heard and remembered the obscene word somewhere.
4-5 year old children can swear quite consciously and with far-reaching intentions. For the most part, they use obscene language so that parents or other adults pay attention to them.
From the age of 5 to adolescence, children usually swear, trying in this way to identify and affirm their own “I”. Especially if it seems to them that parents and other adults are encroaching on their independence and do not take into account their opinion, which children at this age seem to be extremely valuable and correct.
Teenagers may use obscene language for several reasons. One of the reasons is the same reason why 4-5 year old children swear. That is, if teenagers feel that their parents are not paying attention to them, they may seek parental attention through swearing. Affirming one’s own “I” in the eyes of adults is another explanation why teenage children use foul language. The third reason for swearing among teenagers is an attempt to assert their own “I” among their peers.

If a child grows up normally (that is, in a good family and does not have any mental problems), then usually he “outgrows” his age and stops swearing. Parents need to know this. Of course, you shouldn’t wait passively until your son or daughter naturally loses the desire to use obscene language. On the contrary, we must help them in every possible way to get rid of the bad habit, taking into account that in some cases the child may use obscene expressions for other reasons:

Some children, due to their psychological characteristics or upbringing, do not know how to express the negative emotions accumulated in them within the generally accepted “framework”, and are able to emotionally discharge themselves only through swearing;
If a child is shy and timid, then he can swear in order to overcome his shyness and uncertainty in front of other people, everyday problems, all sorts of changes, etc. By the way, adults who are unsure of themselves also resort to the same method. Insecure people, regardless of whether they are children or adults, usually think that swearing in their mouth makes them independent and powerful.

Whatever the reason that children began to use obscene words, the main task of every adequate parent is to try to get their child to get rid of this bad habit in the shortest possible time.

The main parental mistakes

When trying to stop children from swearing, parents often, wittingly or unwittingly, make many mistakes. Everyday practice, tested over many centuries and many generations, clearly speaks of what exactly should not be done when weaning a son or daughter from the addiction to foul language:

Use physical punishment. Usually this method does not correct the situation, but only makes it worse. A punished child can continue to swear - now exclusively to spite the parents and as a sign of protest. Under no circumstances should children be spanked on the lips, forced to lick soap, or pour salt or pepper into their mouths! Thus, the child’s self-esteem will decrease and he will be haunted by nightmares! There is also a risk that the baby will become a stutterer;
Prohibit the use of swear words, using your parental position (like “I don’t want to hear that from you again!” or “If you say it’s impossible, it means it’s impossible!”). Typically, such categorical prohibitions do not achieve results due to the peculiarities of child psychology. Children need to be explained in detail and with reason why exactly they should not use swear words and what this can lead to;
Under no circumstances should you rejoice or laugh when you hear a child swearing, and especially not try to translate the indecent words spoken by the child into a joke. This may lead him to think that his foul language is pleasant to his parents, and for this reason he will begin to swear more often;
Reproach and shame children in the presence of strangers. This can make the child angry, he will withdraw or become bitter and may swear even more;
Arrange “guerrilla interrogations” with your child on the topic of “where did you hear that” or “who told you such a bad word . Most likely, he himself does not know or does not remember where and from whom he first heard an obscene word. But parental predilection can push a young foul-mouthed person away from you, and then it will be many times more difficult to establish further contact with him;
The parents themselves swear, either in the presence of their children or in their absence. It is necessary to observe the golden parental rule: what children cannot do, parents cannot do either. Otherwise, the child, seeing the parental hypocrisy, will cease to respect his father and mother, which will almost certainly lead to the fact that he will begin to swear even more;
Try to make sure that children are isolated from the outside world. Firstly, in modern conditions this is practically impossible. Secondly, such isolation, even if it could be feasible, most likely will not lead to the desired result. As a result, the child will almost certainly lose the correct understanding of what is good and what is bad, and for this reason it will be practically impossible to explain to him why obscene language is bad.

You cannot tell children that only adults can use swear words. The child will understand you this way: if only adults can swear, then you need to grow up quickly. What is needed for this? Swear as loudly and often as possible.

All of the above does not mean that parents should not try in any way to wean their children from foul language. This will be wrong both from a pedagogical and psychological point of view. The child will almost certainly perceive any parental self-withdrawal as a signal that he is not doing anything bad and, moreover, that everything is allowed to him. Consequently, he will continue to improve in his destructive “skills”, and very soon he will achieve very sad results.

Preschool age

At 4–5 years old, the problem of foul language rarely arises on its own. Usually its roots stretch to the “I am myself” crisis. By pre-preschool age, volitional processes and behavioral control are already sufficiently formed.

Therefore, obscene poems and the use of individual insults are deliberate.

Speech skill

When curses are “harmoniously” included in a child’s speech, verbs, adjectives, and nouns are used, we are dealing with a speech skill. It is not so easy to eradicate it; a complete restructuring of the environment is required. It would be a good idea to send your child on a summer holiday to a camp or to cultural relatives where it is not customary to send letters in three letters. A few weeks in a different environment will force the baby to readjust and understand that it is possible to live differently, and even more comfortably.

Linking words

When in the stream of voiced children's thoughts, obscenities slip through only to clarify the meaning or are not attached to this meaning at all, these are parasitic words, the meaning of which is not entirely clear to the child. It’s worth talking to him about what these words are for and why they are appropriate at a construction site, but not suitable for a little girl with an angelic face.

Mother and daughter can discuss the princess code, while father and son can talk about the rules for gentleman superheroes. You can also rely on well-known images that are positive from the point of view of speech culture: Snow White, Cinderella, Clark Kent (Superman), Peter Parker (Spider-Man). Imitating his hero, the baby will stop swearing.

Manipulation

Manipulation of obscene language occurs either to attract attention or to avoid this attention. In both cases, adults need to carefully reconsider the educational model.

Is everything enough for a child? Are his true needs being met? Is he receiving enough proper attention, are the restrictions too severe? Don't grandmothers condone it? Are gadgets becoming a way to keep your baby busy? Has uncensored YouTube replaced children's channels and reading useful bedtime stories?

In the fight against manipulation, the main method is ignoring.

“Obscene” behavior that goes unnoticed by adults will force the child to look for another way to get their attention.

Important ! Whatever the origin of the swearing, at 4–5 years old they can be dealt with through dialogue. First, find out. Does the child understand the meaning of words and phrases? Secondly, talk about obscene language as a part of the language - not literary, not acceptable for a cultured person, but existing in certain circles: among working people, in poor areas, in prisons, gangster companies, among drunkards and drug addicts, etc. d.

Reception 1.

Play on the child’s knowledge of social status, tell about highly cultured ancestors, famous people in your family. In the story about your grandfathers, mention that they were very literate, very cultured, demanding of themselves, they knew how to express themselves clearly and accurately, but they never used bad words.

Talk about self-respect and respect for others. Immersion in family genealogy and educational conversation is a way not only to get rid of swearing, but also to increase a child’s self-esteem through pride in his ancestors.

Reception 2.

Talk about the origin of swear words and their history. Try to choose synonyms with your child and agree that he will use synonyms instead of swearing. This will work exactly the opposite, because the baby has already developed prohibitions on synonymous words like “pussy” and “butt”. These words are unacceptable at the table or in public places. Therefore, through the ban on synonyms, the ban on swearing will also work.

What not to do if your child starts swearing

There are a number of mistakes that parents make when trying to wean their child from using swearing. Young children use it unconsciously. Older children, who understand the meaning of words, swear because they do not have a developed speech culture. Teenagers also have a number of motives for which non-literary curses are firmly established in their vocabulary: the desire to appear grown-up, imitation of “cool” peers, etc. Regardless of age specifics, the following actions by adults when correcting speech are unacceptable:

Physical punishment
. Using force in raising a child, in general, is an unjustified and traumatic measure. If you want your children to grow up to be strong, confident, open individuals, forget forever about using violence for educational purposes. confirm that physical punishment breeds aggressiveness, distrust of the world and poor communication skills.
Restrictive measures.
Many parents have the following logical connection: said a swear word - they lost toys, walks, watching their favorite cartoons, etc. Such a measure does not so much perpetuate a negative reaction as it causes an even greater response to the use of swear words.
Excessive emphasis on the problem.
Attempts to explain in detail where the child heard the word, when he is already happy to forget about it, will force the abuse to settle firmly in the speech. Your violent reaction, be it anger or laughter, will not become a deterrent in instilling a culture of speech.
Carrying out educational measures without explaining your position
. The parent’s favorite phrase “I said so” to the child’s logical question “Why” does not strengthen confidence in your words. If you decide to have a conversation, then be prepared to reasonably express your position without excessive emotionality.
Conducting explanatory conversations in front of other people.
What happens when you reprimand your child in public? A feeling of shame, isolation, and deep guilt arises in him, which subsequently negatively affects the development of personality. Any conversation that contains elements of inappropriate behavior must be conducted in private.
A sharp negative reaction to the situation of using swear words
. A calm response and reasoned explanation will work much better than your screams and angry attempts here and now to exclude a swear word from your speech. Learn to control yourself, and then start nurturing these qualities in your child.
Transfer the negative characteristics of the use of swearing to the child’s personality.
Children of early and preschool age are very... Therefore, it is important to choose the right words so that they characterize the action, not the person. Otherwise, negative ideas about oneself and further difficulties with self-esteem are formed.

School age

If before this age it was not possible to get rid of the habit of foul language, then the child will learn to control it and adapt it to the society in which he finds himself.

At home he will stop swearing, but in yard games he may well fight and swear , “while his parents are not looking.” Appearing like an adult among peers is a common way of asserting oneself.

You can show your preschooler other ways to be an adult: controlling expenses, helping around the house, participating in decision-making, the right to make independent choices (furniture, colors, holiday gifts). Conversations, therapeutic tales, working with a psychologist, changing the environment - all means can be used. But the best of them is your own example.

Let dad “give up” swearing with his son on the terms of competition. Or eavesdrop on your child’s street dialogue, and in the evening at dinner respond without hints: “One of the kids swore so terribly today when you were playing! I heard it by chance and thought: “ It’s so good that our boy doesn’t know such words!” “With conscientious children, this technique almost always works.

Carefully monitor how and with whom your child communicates on social networks, what comments he leaves, what content he is interested in. Try to apply all possible filters to protect your fool from the flow of aggressive information and humor “below the belt.”

On a note ! Considering that swearing in its natural form is an expression of negative emotions, it is worth paying attention to the psychological qualities of a growing person. Educators must be sure that the child does not reflect his fears, resentment, mental pain, anger, or revenge through bad language.
Otherwise, you should urgently contact a child psychologist.

Young swearers: age-related characteristics of the habit of swearing

“I don’t know what to do - my child started swearing. Mitya is in second grade. There were no problems with behavior before. But recently I was called to school - it turns out that my son is swearing “like a shoemaker.” He calls his classmates names and acts out mischief along with his friends, disrupting classes. I was shocked! At home he is a good boy. I don’t know what happened to him. How and where did he pick up these words? My husband and I communicate normally, we don’t swear.
I found out who my son was talking to. It turned out that they were ordinary guys from quite prosperous families. It is not clear where this desire to behave so marginally comes from.
I talked to Mitya and punished him. There's no point. The teacher still continues to complain. I'm terribly ashamed of my son's behavior. I don’t know how to react.”

— Oksana, mother of 8-year-old Mitya

According to psychologists, almost every child faces the problem of swearing. And that's okay. But the question is different: will obscene language be only a short-term manifestation of an age crisis or will it gradually transform into a natural style of communication. And here it is important that parents try to keep the situation under control, not allowing him to take a wrong turn.

Surveys show that teenage girls more often express a sharply negative attitude towards swear words - more than 70% of respondents noted that they do not welcome swearing. But boys are more loyal in this matter - only 26% of respondents expressed their negative attitude towards obscene language, while the rest even welcome such behavior. [1]

The actions and reactions of adults in response to swearing should depend on the age of the child.

2-4 years

Up to 4 years old, children swear unconsciously according to the “heard - repeated” principle. Naturally, they do not understand the meaning of the words or how inappropriate they are in a certain situation. Children have yet to learn to see the difference between “good” and “bad.”

A kindergarten and a playground near the house are the main places where the baby “learns bad things.” But we cannot blame only external circumstances. Sometimes the parents themselves, when communicating with each other, do not at all follow what they say. It just seems like the baby didn’t hear or understand anything. Most likely, he has already remembered your expression, especially if you emphasized that it is generally impossible to speak like that. And now, on occasion, he will definitely say what he has learned out loud. [2]

5-7 years

It has probably already been explained to the preschooler that there are “bad words” that should never be uttered. And here it is quite possible to expect that swearing for a child will become a kind of rebellion against the rules established by adults.

The child, of course, does not yet understand the meaning of swear words. But it fully captures the emotions and the message that they carry. Therefore, you can expect that the child will swear quite consciously.

What to do if a child swears at 7 years old? Parents often don’t even realize that their child enjoys practicing swear words. After all, he, fearing punishment, behaves this way only with his peers. Here, educators and teachers at school should get involved in the work in order to convey to parents the essence of the problem in a timely manner.

8-10 years

By this age, the child already clearly understands where and with whom he can argue, and where it is better not to do this. Younger schoolchildren are happy to copy the behavior of high school students, thus becoming familiar with the world of adults. They use jargon to fit in with their peers.

What to do if a 9-year-old child swears? It is important not to miss the moment when it is not too late to convey to him that obscene language is the enemy of civilized communication between people. And in no decent society his “coolness” will be appreciated, but rather will be considered a representative of the lower strata of the population.

11-14 years old

The teenage crisis is a difficult period for a child. It is manifested by a sharp change in behavior, including the active appearance of swear words in speech.

For a teenager, obscene language is an expression of dissatisfaction, an attempt to stand out in a group of peers and to fight back against “evil” parents. The child rebels against everyone and everything, proving that he is an adult and independent. And swearing, unfortunately, is the easiest way for a teenager to achieve what they want.

What to do if a child over 10 years old swears? Adolescence is the very moment when it’s easy to ruin your relationship with your child forever. Adults should approach the problem of swearing as carefully as possible. No scandals, shouting, threats. But you can’t just let everything take its course, otherwise this child’s behavior threatens to become the norm. [3] You can show your child what he looks like when he swears by filming it on your mobile phone. Then he will be able to clearly see that he does not look cool, but rather disgusting and funny at the same time.

Adolescence

Every parent understands well why teenagers swear. To assert oneself, to demonstrate one’s maturity, to control the situation, to protect oneself from the control of elders. And despite understanding the reasons, parents of teenagers often act incorrectly, using ineffective strategies:

directive prohibitions;
hypercontrol;
strict punishments, restrictions, deprivations;
ultimatums;
scandals.

A teenager wants to be equal in rights, but is not ready to accept equal responsibilities. He wants to be an adult, but is neither psychologically nor physically ready for adult stress. The optimal way to communicate with a teenager is cooperation, partnership with elements of the child’s dependence on the adult. Even friendship will be inappropriate here, since friends are a select category in which parents are not included.

Take workarounds. Help your teenage child to assert himself through creativity, sporting achievements, and successful learning. Support your son or daughter's idols, but teach them to rationally evaluate the appearance and behavior of stars.

Offer to understand the meaning of your favorite song, just like in a literature lesson. Allow your child to argue and argue, encourage the ability to express thoughts without swearing. And at the same time, ask for what purpose the author of the rap single used an obscene speech structure: to enhance the effect (there are brighter words, after all!) or simply there was no other rhyme?

Don't make mistakes

Almost all adults forget that they were children too, misbehaving and breaking the rules.

You should not try to turn your children into those you yourself could not become. Let them develop their own selves. A harmoniously growing person does not need to rebel to prove his worth.

Pedagogical climate

Weaning away from evil is through understanding. It is worth accepting that the son is really talented in folk dancing, and mathematics is a cosmic distance for him. My daughter likes architecture and design, and not at all the need to continue the dynasty of physiologists. Overcoming any psychological difficulties and behavioral problems lies in self-acceptance and approval of loved ones. Provide both!

Be purposeful

In your desire to change your child’s behavior, pursue one single goal - to help him become better, and not just wean him from swearing. And there is absolutely no need to voice your goals out loud. Just know what exactly you want and act comprehensively, systematically and rationally.

Act consistently

Consistency suggests that the rules of good speech are for everyone. There is no situation in which dad is allowed to utter a colorful interjection. “A very well-mannered plumber constantly says while working: “Look!”

Shame is a bad helper

Don't confuse it with shyness! Shyness is a positive character quality, shame is a strong negative emotion. The feeling of shame entails the experience of guilt, and guilt leads to isolation, decreased self-esteem and aggression. Verbal aggression increases under the influence of shame.

Correct censure

To understand this principle, decide for yourself: do you not like your child or are his actions unpleasant? Surely only actions. They are the ones who should be condemned. The child himself must remain selflessly loved.

How to reprimand a child who swears:

Optimal : “You probably wanted to say that you are dissatisfied?”
Acceptable : “I don’t like how bad you swear; It doesn’t make me feel proud of you.”
Unacceptable : “You are a rude, unscrupulous, disgusting goofball. I didn’t raise you like that.”

Empty prohibitions have no meaning

Strict guidelines and prohibitions create a desire to break them. To comply with child psychology, they must be rational and justified, and everyone must be offered an alternative behavior - what to do instead of what is prohibited.

Reasons for using a mat

The most common reasons for children using swear words:

repetition of words heard in the house or from friends;
a way to overcome fear for shy children, because... swearing gives the illusion of power;
expression of negative emotions (resentment, anger, disappointment) through psychological release in the form of swearing.

Simple tricks for every day

To eradicate negative habits and character traits, it is not enough to go to a psychologist or talk once. You need to constantly live with the child, constantly interact and at every step, in accordance with age, help him build the correct behavior. We will try to summarize the information in the form of several short recommendations.

Don’t swear yourself and prohibit guests and relatives from doing so.
Do not focus on swearing from the mouth of a small child. Ignore.
Don't sort things out in public. Discuss the obscene incident when you are alone.
Don't raise your voice. Your swearing is no different from teenage swearing.
Don't use spanking. Avoid quarrels with children. Try not to quarrel with your family.
Don’t support the cool image of swear words, condemn swearing in someone else’s speech. Try to explain your opinion with examples.
Support your child at any age.
Know how to react calmly. Make age-appropriate, gentle but clear comments.
Switch your attention to sports, creative activities and communication in good company.
Talk about jargon. Teach your child to understand specific vocabulary.
Discuss issues of human culture in modern society. Talk about the meaning of the words “education”, “good manners”, “speech etiquette”.
Visit exhibitions, watch good movies, awaken your taste and emotional intelligence.
Don't deny your idols, support your hobbies, collaborate every day.
Encourage reading books, develop general culture, not just speech. You need to be wary of the youth subculture as a whole, and not just of bad words.
Control the communication of teenagers and primary schoolchildren on the Internet and social networks.
Do not delay consultation with a teacher or psychologist if you cannot wean your child off swearing on your own. The specialist will give personal advice to help overcome the problem.

A young girl is easier to deal with than a teenage bully. But even the brightest character of a boy can be corrected. Perhaps you need a strong, authoritative mentor on the side - a coach or teacher. To stop swearing, a child will need time: the older he is, the longer. Therefore, do not rush to get quick visible results.

The main mistakes of parents

Psychologists recommend that parents not be scared or lose their heads when they hear swear words spoken by a child. Too much negative reaction can have a negative effect on children. Therefore, parents are advised to avoid the following actions:

apply physical punishment for swearing (hit on the lips, force you to wash your mouth, etc.), because this will cause a backlash and a hostile attitude, causing mental trauma;
prohibit the use of “bad” words categorically, without giving an explanation;
turn the situation into a joke, pretending that this can amuse everyone;
raise and shame children in front of strangers, which will cause anger and withdrawal;
try to find out from the child the source from which he learned swear words, because the use of pressure can ruin family relationships;
the use of swear words by the parents themselves and the simultaneous prohibition for the child lead to educational dissonance;
make attempts to isolate the child from the outside world, which is impossible now, in the era of maximum information availability.

However, pretending that nothing bad happened is also not a good way out of the situation. Then the child will decide that there is nothing wrong with swearing, and will make efforts to improve it and increase his negative vocabulary.