Child's jealousy of a newborn: who is to blame and what to do about it

A child’s jealousy of a newly born baby is a fairly common phenomenon. Normal, natural childhood jealousy serves as a healthy reaction of the child to the appearance of a new object of parental love. However, the psychology of relationships in a family with two children implies friendly relations between all its members, and therefore the jealousy of the firstborn towards the second child can and should be worked on.

Prevention of this unpleasant phenomenon is described in detail in the article “The second child in the family: how to prepare the older child for the birth of the baby.” Timely and adequate measures can reduce the jealousy of an older child to a minimum, or avoid it altogether. However, in a home where two children are pitted against each other and grow up in a competitive environment, the jealousy of the older child can take on grotesque and ugly forms. However, let's look at the nature of this phenomenon, its causes and ways to combat childhood jealousy.

Causes of jealousy in an older child

If you think about it, a child’s jealousy is nothing more than the fear of losing the love of his parents, the reluctance to share the attention of people significant to him, the fear of being worse than someone else. That is, the same thing that is the prerequisites for ordinary adult jealousy.

However, it is precisely the situation “second child – jealousy of the first-born” that most often occurs in families, because the eldest child was the ONLY baby for a long time. Children under three years of age experience childhood jealousy most acutely, whose entire world is centered around their parents and family.

The following reasons may serve as reasons for jealousy:

Feeling of uselessness. Often, before going to the maternity hospital or immediately after it, the first-born is sent to his grandmother or other relatives, guided by the fact that it will be easier to integrate into the new rhythm of family life. However, your child’s thoughts are far from pragmatic - he feels forgotten and rejected, accumulating resentment and mistrust.
Forced growing up. With the arrival of your second child, your firstborn becomes more than just your child. He becomes a SENIOR. And this forced growing up is a policy of double standards: what the child wants is forbidden to him, since he is not yet mature, and what he does not want to do is forced, since he has become “already big.” Touching a baby and playing with him is prohibited, but caring for him is not only possible, but also necessary. After all, the decision to have a second child is yours, not his, but the attitude towards him has changed dramatically. In response to the child’s usual behavior, which used to touch the parents, they now hear: “don’t shout, don’t be capricious, don’t play around, because you’re already big.” The child feels a change in attitude on the part of adults very well, and this becomes a reason for real suffering for the little man.
Lack of attention. Naturally, a newborn takes a lot of the parents’ attention. And although the baby only eats and sleeps, the ragged rhythm of a newborn’s life exhausts the whole family. With this daily routine, parents have neither the time nor the energy to give their first child due attention. But there is as much as there is to pull back, screams and aggression. “Don’t touch!”, “Don’t make noise!”, “Wait!” - this is what the child hears in response to his attempts to attract the attention of adults to his problems.
Separation from mom and fear of losing her love. The child sees that mom and dad have a new object of love. Do they still need him? - the child thinks. When buying a new umbrella, my mother threw out the old one... At the same time, my mother asks him about something less and less often, she squeezes and hugs him much less. Her hands are always busy with the newborn, and she no longer calls the older one into her arms, and forgets to hug her... This sharp decrease in tactile contact is also very significant for your child.

All of these reasons, individually or in combination, can lead to your first child feeling jealous of the newborn or of you. This feeling takes on different forms and is expressed in different ways, depending on the character and temperament of the child.

The correct reaction of parents

When faced with childhood jealousy, it is very important for parents to respond competently to it. The child’s behavior and condition depend on the correctness of the reaction. Mom and dad must understand that jealousy is a normal emotional state of the baby, which does not need to be fought. This condition cannot be completely eliminated by force. You can only prevent or reduce the intensity of manifestations of childhood jealousy. The main task in fighting it is to unite the family, parents and children.

Advice from psychologists will help you effectively deal with childhood jealousy towards a younger child, parent or new partner in the event of a divorce.

If mom is pregnant

We are expecting a newborn baby together. The child needs to be gradually, competently prepared for the imminent appearance of another baby in his life. Encourage regular communication with the brother/sister in mom's tummy.
A child should want a brother or sister. To do this, parents must draw him a picture of the future, in which the baby will have a lot of fun and interest with his brother/sister. Constant stories about what will happen if another child appears in the family will help prepare for changes.
Try to avoid too big changes; do not plan other global changes in life at the time of the birth of a new family member. The combination of turning events (the birth of a child, moving, a radical change in the usual routine, sending to kindergarten) will significantly increase the pressure on the child. This can significantly affect the nature of jealousy.
Involving the baby in helping the mother care for her younger brother/sister. Active encouragement and praise of the child for his help. Attention in the form of gratitude from the mother, involvement in “adult” activities next to the parents will give the child strength to survive the changes. Involving your child in helping should be voluntary and cannot be forced.

Read also…. Breakfast for a first grader: a note for mom

When the children are already grown up

Competently building communication with the baby. Mom and dad should find time for individual communication with the older baby. Play a little every day, read, watch cartoons, talk only to him. At least a few tens of minutes a day.
Equal, fair treatment of children. Mediating role during children's quarrels. Mom and dad should allow the kids to speak out, then conduct a ritual of reconciliation (hug, say “make up, make up and don’t fight anymore”).
Refusal to compare children; you cannot organize various competitions with each other.
Consistent behavior of both parents. The assessment of the baby’s behavior and the reaction of mom and dad to it should be unanimous and of the same type.
Maintaining maximum stability in family life.
Duplicate purchases for both children. We must not forget the elder for the sake of the younger child.
Forming an opinion in children about how lucky they are to have such wonderful brothers/sisters. It’s so good when this exists.

A common mistake parents make: you cannot protect only the youngest child during quarrels. It is important to stand up for the elder, but fairly.

If the feeling is directed towards dad

Tips for situations where children's jealousy is directed at dad:

practice frequent joint activities with the participation of mom, dad and child; all kinds of games are great for this;
do not ignore the baby’s reactions; his claims cannot be openly rejected;
explain to the baby its importance, the importance of parents to each other - mother loves both the child and the father;
joint hugs;
the child’s personal time with dad (putting him to bed, feeding, walks, talking before bed) - spending time alone with the baby will allow them to get closer;
joint actions with dad to help effectively cope with children's problems.

When did the stepfather or stepmother appear?

Recommendations that will help overcome anxiety in your baby when a new person (stepmother or stepfather) appears in the family:

creating an atmosphere of friendliness and trust when meeting – the baby should associate the mother’s man or the father’s new love with positive emotions;
gradual entry into the life of a new person;
unobtrusive spending time together - walks in nature, visiting parks, attractions;
when the child is accustomed to the appearance of a new person in his life, mom or dad must explain why a new relationship is needed - it must be said that the person should not be alone, he needs support;
involvement of the child by the parent and stepfather (stepmother) in the joint resolution of all kinds of children's situations;
exclusion of negative emotions on the part of the stepmother or stepfather;
acceptance by the new person of previously established relationships with the child, refusal to remake everything in his own way.

In the event of a divorce, it is important to pay great attention to the topic of communication with the parent who lives separately.

You need to discuss and agree with him on all the key terms of interaction - time and frequency of meetings. It is important to avoid swearing, squabbles, and strained relationships. For the child’s well-being, it is necessary to go through a difficult period in a civilized manner: together explain the current situation, tell why it happened, and assure that nothing terrible happened.

Taking into account all the psychologist’s recommendations, in order to cope with the baby’s disturbing conditions, it is important to respond to them competently. Upon reaching the age of three, children develop a conscious understanding of their own “I”. If manifestations of jealousy previously led to the fulfillment of any whims on the part of the parents (many mothers and fathers enjoy being jealous), the child begins to use this mechanism specifically as a tool of manipulation to achieve what he wants.

Types of childhood jealousy: passive and aggressive reaction

As already mentioned, the jealousy of an older child is a completely natural reaction to the appearance of another little person in the life of his parents. If the child doesn’t care at all, this should be even more alarming. But the intensity of this feeling varies, as do the ways of expressing these not the best emotions. The faces that a child’s jealousy of a younger brother or sister takes on are varied, but we will still try to systematize them. First of all, psychologists distinguish between passive, semi-obvious and aggressive jealousy.

Passive jealousy in an older child is not obvious; many parents may not even notice it. The eldest child conceals all experiences within himself, suffering in the depths of his soul. And if an aggressive type of jealousy can be dangerous for a younger child, then in a situation with hidden jealousy you can worry about the first-born. It is worth noting changes in the behavior of the older child, noting if he is distracted, withdrawn, apathetic, if his chronic diseases have worsened or he has lost his appetite. Perhaps diuresis or tics have appeared. The child suddenly caresses you and looks straight into your eyes in search of affection and warmth. An adult would be diagnosed with depression, perhaps protracted, but a child cannot not only express his feelings, but also understand them. If you ignore these symptoms and do nothing, it is possible that this psychological trauma will remain with the person for life.
Semi-obvious jealousy. This is the most normal reaction of a child to the appearance of a rival. In this case, there are various ways to attract the attention of adults, especially mothers, through whims, tears, and pampering. There is a slight rollback of development, slight infantilism, which is far from true regression. In this way, the child checks whether he is loved, whether his mother still belongs to him. It is also natural for an older child to want to climb into a stroller, suck a breast, or put a pacifier in his mouth, lie down on a development mat, or try on a cap. The baby needs to know that nothing is a pity for him, and this is also a way to hint to his mother that he is also small and needs to be loved too. This is a typical manifestation, which, given the normal course of life and attention from the parents, will soon pass as soon as the baby is convinced that he is also loved.
Aggressive jealousy. On the one hand, the child’s obvious manifestation of feelings allows parents to adjust their and his behavior, however, this is also not very pleasant. A child’s aggression manifests itself either verbally, or through action, or both. The eldest may stun you with phrases that he does not love the baby, that he does not need the baby, that you can take him back to where you took him from. Sometimes the firstborn even threatens to kill his brother or sister. Or he makes scandals, shouting “I’m the odd one out!” You do not love me!". If you forbid him to say this, out of spite he will say the same thing, but in front of large crowds of people or in front of strangers. Or the internal conflict enters a hidden phase.

Some children, especially under three years of age, who speak poorly but are very worried, go straight to action: taking away toys, squeezing, hitting, biting, strangling, covering their heads, pushing them out of the crib - this is not a complete list of possible military actions. Parents are shocked by such obvious manifestations of dissatisfaction of the first child, and are at a loss.

Types of jealousy in children

The baby's disturbing states have different directions. Emotional and sensory manifestations are often directed at the closest person - the mother. This is an objective situation, since the existence of a small person evolutionarily depends on the mother. Less often, the father plays the dominant role in the baby’s life. In this case, he will become the subject of jealousy.

As people grow older, anxiety may become more sexually oriented. Girls begin to be jealous of their father towards their mother, and boys – their mother towards their father. This is where the adult’s defense mechanism comes into play. The child “works out” the social instincts of interaction with the opposite sex with his parents. This training will help the baby in the future in adulthood.

The objects of concern in children are more varied. They are all people who threaten the monopoly on the parent’s attention. Based on the object of jealousy, four types of the condition under consideration can be distinguished.

To one of the parents. Jealousy is often directed at the mother.
To a brother or sister. More often, anxiety occurs in an older child in relation to a younger one with an age difference of more than one year. The child is jealous of the younger one, because he automatically loses the monopoly right to all the attention and admiration of his parents. This change creates anxiety and resentment, which is directed at the brother/sister. Jealousy demonstrates a refusal to recognize the opportunity to share attention and care from parents.
To a new adult in the family. The object is the stepmother or stepfather.
To friends and peers. The gradual socialization of the baby and the establishment of close emotional connections with other children gives rise to jealousy.

Read also…. A child feels sick in transport - kinetosis, motion sickness: causes, symptoms

To one of the parents

Under normal conditions, the child spends almost all of his time with his mother in the first years of his life. She is an inextricable part of his world, belongs to him entirely. The life of the baby depends on the mother. Any attacks on mom by dad, brother or sister are perceived as a threat, and the defense mechanism of jealousy is activated. And this is the norm.

After three years, when the baby’s social world begins to expand significantly, and life gains more and more independence away from the mother, jealousy towards her gradually decreases and fades away. With age, the nature of jealousy towards parents changes.

More often than not, the child is jealous of mom and dad. Why is this happening? It's simple - there are several factors.

Dad encroaches on mom's love, attention and tenderness. Any manifestations of parents' feelings are perceived jealously.
There is another aspect to boys. The mother is considered by the baby as the main woman in his life. Children's perception does not imply other options. Dad is instinctively perceived as a male competitor.
Girls, when establishing close emotional ties with their dad, are often jealous of their fathers towards their mothers. Any attention from mom to dad is rejected, the girl zealously resists such situations.

Signs of a baby's jealousy towards his mother:

rejection of hugs and kisses from mom and dad, all sorts of attempts to prevent such situations;
the baby reproaches his mother for stopping loving him;
the child is capricious, his actions are the opposite of requests;
the desire to spend all the time with mom;
attempts at manipulation - the baby behaves well when the mother is nearby.

At the birth of the second child

For a child growing up in an atmosphere of love and tenderness, the birth of a second baby becomes an unexpected event. The natural reaction to such changes in life is worry and anxiety. Childhood jealousy at the birth of a second child has natural causes:

fear of loss of love and attention from parents;
tangible changes in the usual way of life - no matter how hard the parents try, the older child takes a secondary position with the newborn baby;
the unknown, the appearance of a brother/sister in a child’s life is a new event that has not been experienced before;
inability to objectively and adequately assess current events.

The signs by which one can determine the jealousy of an older child towards a younger one are clearly visible.

Increased aggressiveness. It can be both direct and indirect. Aggressive jealousy is not always directed at a newborn brother/sister. Parents are not always targeted either. The baby's attitude towards his brother/sister, mother and father can be friendly and warm. In such cases, aggression is directed towards less significant people. These could be grandparents, uncles and aunts, neighbors, friends and acquaintances.
Unexpected developmental regression. An independent child suddenly becomes helpless. Previously, he ate, dressed, and went to the toilet with confidence and interest. But suddenly he forgot how to do all this. The baby begins to be capricious, ask to be held, and demands help. In this way, the child strives to return maximum attention and love from his parents.
Decreased discipline. The child stops obeying and acts out of spite for the adults. The child strives to return attention by all means; he is even ready for her negative character.

To adults and peers

A big problem with childhood jealousy is the instability of parental relationships in the modern world. According to statistics, about 50% of families in the world break up. Even more often, relationships end without official registration. In such cases, the problem arises of the appearance of a new parent's companion (mom and dad) in the baby's life. Such situations give rise to a specific type of childhood jealousy.

The emotional state of the child often becomes the reason for the impossibility of organizing the life of a parent with a new companion. Active rejection of the “newcomer” forces mom or dad to refuse a new relationship. Such situations are harmful to everyone. For the full development of a child, it is important that he grows up in conditions of full male and female family influence.

Jealousy of a stranger who claims the attention and love of their mother is especially acute in children. The situation is often aggravated by the fact that the appearance of a “newcomer” occurs with parallel stressful changes in other areas of the child’s life (adjustment of the usual way of life, change in social circle, etc.).

Safety is important!

If childhood jealousy in your case takes on threatening features, it is worth taking measures to ensure the safety of the baby, as well as correcting the older child’s experiences. After all, there are cases when jealousy at the birth of a second child can lead to terrible and unexpected results, injuries to the newborn and even death. It doesn’t matter whether your child’s jealousy is a hidden variation or an open aggressive form. If, in the case of aggressive jealousy, parents keep their finger on the pulse of events, then in the case of hidden jealousy, your vigilance is dulled, and you are glad to see that the first-born kisses and strokes the baby. And if something happens - it may be with the best intentions - pick it up and drop it, bite off an apple and put it in the newborn’s mouth, cover it with a blanket and a pillow over the head - so as not to freeze. The child wants to touch the baby, feed him, rock him, and play with him. Be vigilant, but correct. With supervision you can do a lot.

To prevent the older child’s jealousy of the newborn from being dangerous for his brother or sister, one should follow the rule: never leave the first-born and the newborn alone, even for a couple of minutes. When you go to the toilet, take one of the children with you. When you cook in the kitchen, take a second person and let him wash the potatoes. Carriers, slings, lounge chairs and kangaroos will help you.

Childhood sibling jealousy

Things get more complicated as children grow, both in age and in number. Since parents have to deal with jealousy from several sides. Here's what new parents can do to reduce the impact:

Share responsibility equally. Although one child may be the bully and the other the victim (although the roles will likely be reversed next time), don't blame just one of them. Even if one of them “started it,” it should be understood that the “victim” does not have to be present at every quarrel to which he is invited.
Minimize jealous feelings. Don't overreact if one of the kids gets jealous of the other. Just acknowledge their feelings. Sometimes there are situations when resentment and sadness appear, this is normal. Then follow up by saying, “You do a lot of great things too. I'm proud of you and really appreciate your help."
Avoid comparison. One cub is likely to be better at math than the other. The older one will always be able to run faster than the younger one (up to a certain point). Avoid comparing abilities or behavior. Simply ask your child to compare themselves to their previous abilities, for example to see if they are improving their writing skills or scoring more goals in a soccer match compared to last year.
Avoid negative nicknames. It seems fun and funny to call your oldest a “grown-up” and your youngest “short,” but labeling your children can often cause resentment and ultimately stir up jealousy between siblings.

Try to plan your day daily and allocate time evenly to all children. So much resentment comes from the idea that a parent loves one child more than another. Make room in your schedule to give each little one time just for the two of you. This doesn't have to involve grand plans—you can curl up on the couch to read books while your little one naps, or watch a movie with your preschooler while your first-born is at school. Just make sure each child knows that he has a special place in his mother's heart.

What to do and how to react to manifestations of childhood jealousy?

It is only in our power, as parents, to sow the seeds of friendship between our children, giving the first-born not only a brother or sister, but also a loved one who will be his true friend. But seeds of discord can also sprout in fertile soil.

To prevent such a phenomenon as childhood jealousy, you should not neglect advice on how to prepare an older child for the birth of a baby, this will avoid many problems with accepting a newborn. And after the birth of your second child, you should convey to your eldest the fact that you still love him, just like the baby. As soon as the awareness of parental love and one’s own need reaches the little heart, the older child’s jealousy will gradually go away on its own.

What to do if an older child is jealous of a younger one

Despite all preventive measures, it will not be possible to completely avoid manifestations of jealousy. Therefore, it is very important to respond correctly to feelings that appear for the first time. In most cases, children's jealousy comes as a surprise to parents.

It is important not to react too violently; you should not scold or punish the child either. Jealousy is one of the natural feelings; you need to help the baby cope with it, reduce possible negative consequences, and ensure the safety of the youngest child as much as possible.

The first thing to do is recognize the problem. A big mistake parents make when giving birth to a second child is ignoring the feelings of the first-born, which leads to a worsening situation. You also cannot forbid a child to be jealous - he will continue to feel, but he will not be able to cope with his emotions alone.

As a result, the baby will constantly feel awkward and ashamed, which will lead to the development of various complexes. Only with the right approach and the help of parents will a child learn to cope with feelings, express them correctly, and manage emotions.

What needs to be done to achieve this goal

If a child is jealous, the advice of a psychologist will help cope with the situation.

Show love. A child should not only know and hear that he is loved, but also feel it. During the day, you need to hug him, stroke him, touch him, kiss him before going to bed and after waking up.
Spend time. There should be time during the day dedicated only to the firstborn. Otherwise, the baby will count how much time the “competitor” took, and will be indignant if the score turns out to be in favor of the newborn.
Preserve the usual way of life and previously established “rituals” as much as possible. With the birth of another child, your daily routine inevitably changes. But this should affect the firstborn to a lesser extent.
Have a conversation. During a heart-to-heart conversation, you need to explain to the baby what he feels, that this is normal. Agree that the child learns to express his emotions, say that the first-born should speak up if he feels insulted or unfair. The conversation should be soft. Most likely, more than one conversation will be needed.
Do not try to appease your child with gifts and permissiveness. Otherwise it will lead to manipulative behavior.
Think about joint leisure activities when all family members will be involved.
Encourage correct behavior , for example, praise, contact.

Jealousy between children is common. It is important to teach kids to cope with this feeling without harming themselves and others.

Preventing jealousy in an older child - prevention

The paths we follow may be different, because every mother knows her child better and the words that need to be spoken. The main thing is to understand the eldest, to realize the reasons why the second child will make your first-born jealous.

One famous psychologist, Ross Campbell, author of the book “How to Really Love Children,” writes about the need to fill a child’s “love reservoir.” You have three options for this.

The first possibility is tactile contact, touching, hugs, kisses, affectionate stroking. Adults need this too, but tiny children need it like air. Always and a lot.
The second possibility is eye contact. An affectionate eye-to-eye glance can tell a child about our love for him. Even if your hands are full of a newborn, hug your older child and look into his eyes. This is also very important.
The third option is active listening. Find out what worries your child, what he thinks about, let him tell you about everything that worries him. And you, listen carefully. The technique of active listening is quite well known, and you can find a lot of information about it, but this does not detract from its effectiveness. First of all, it is also verbalization, voicing the emotions and feelings experienced by the child that he himself cannot recognize. For example, we can say: “You are now angry with us and the baby, and it seems to you that we do not love you, but this is not so, in fact, we both love you very much.” You help the child overcome negative feelings, and continue to speak kind, good words, giving the child the attention he needs.

In case of conflicts, working with photographs of everyday moments from the infancy of your first-born is very helpful. Let the association that everything was the same with him, that he was also breastfed, rocked and carried in arms, be bright and pleasant. This will help the child get used to the amount of attention paid to the baby.

Notice yourself and stop trying to protect only the youngest child. The interests of the older child should not be significantly thwarted, otherwise it will not be possible to build any kind of friendly relationship. Is the excuse that the baby is “still small” an excuse for the destroyed fortress that your firstborn took two hours to build? Or will it return the ruined drawing that the older child wanted to give you? Let your first child feel that his interests are also important to you.

Also use the technique of close attention. Its essence lies in the fact that every day the mother spends 15 minutes alone with her older child. The baby can be occupied by dad or he can be asleep at this moment. But it is during these 15 minutes that mother and child have an intimate conversation, looking each other straight into the eyes and the mother’s attention is directed only to the child. Do not confuse this time with reading, creativity and other activities. Only conversation, only child and mother, with all attention to the baby. This allows the child to be “saturated” to the brim with communication with his mother, feel her love, and realize his importance to her. It seems like nothing complicated, but this technique works wonders.

What parents need to do

The vast majority of families face the problem of childhood jealousy, so you should not hope that your family will avoid such a situation. Find out how to prevent your child from being jealous of other children, follow the rules and ask all adult family members to behave accordingly:

If you plan to place the baby in the parents' room and give the older child a separate room, it is better to do this during your pregnancy. Children should not feel like they have been “thrown away” and another child has taken their place.
Describe to your children the benefits of being an older brother or sister. The child will be able to teach the baby what he can do (dress himself, eat on his own, build a tower from blocks and even speak). Many children of preschool and primary school age are flattered by the role of a mentor.
While mom is busy with the newborn, let dad take care of the older children. Walking together, playing sports, hiking, and playing games will help the child get closer to his father and compensate for the lack of mother’s attention.
Tell your older children that you love them more often, hug them, kiss them, and fool around. For children, a tight hug is the highest manifestation of love; they simply do not understand how they can express their feelings differently.
Clearly indicate which things and toys are shared and which belong to one person. Teach both children, to the extent age-appropriate, to ask the other's permission before taking his toy, pencils, etc.
If a conflict occurs, then at the end of it, be sure to praise both children for finding the strength to make concessions and make peace. After all, this is what real brothers and sisters who love each other do.
If you buy or give something to the younger one, be sure to prepare something for the older one too. You emphasize in every possible way that you love everyone equally and that everyone is especially important to you.
If relatives or friends are going to visit you, warn them to first greet the older children, inquire about their affairs and mood, and only then greet the younger one.
Periodically remind older children that they were once little too. Show them photographs, tell them about funny or, conversely, unpleasant incidents. “Remember when you were two years old and you broke your toy too?”
Sincerely praise older children if they help care for younger ones. Then the child will perceive help with the baby as a way to gain parental approval, and not as another responsibility that fell on the head with the appearance of the baby.
Always emphasize that parents devote more time to the youngest, not because they love him more, but because he is helpless - he does not yet know how to walk, eat, dress, and when he learns, he will do it himself.
Focus on the fact that the younger child loves the older one. “Look - the baby smiled at you,” “He wants to play with you because you are his brother/sister.”

If the child continues to behave strangely or openly demonstrate hostility towards the baby, try to bring him to a frank conversation - “What exactly are you upset about?” Perhaps you have been promising your child to bake his favorite pie for a week, but you haven’t managed to do it. At the same time, the child sees that you spend all the time with the baby in your arms, that’s the reason.

Working on mistakes - or a few things not to do

Sometimes adults, without noticing it themselves, provoke a child’s jealousy. Making unfortunate mistakes in expressing your thoughts and feelings, allowing emotions and fatigue to take precedence over love and common sense. And as a result, we get jealousy of the older child towards the younger, which we then struggle with for a long time with varying success.

Mistake #1.

Have you promised your child a playmate and fun time? Great. Then what is this useless squeaking lump doing here? You should prepare your older child for the real arrival of a newborn, show him his own photos and videos from the infancy period, and reminisce with him about the times when he sucked a pacifier or did not know how to walk. Take them to visit friends who have just acquired offspring.

Mistake #2.

Your firstborn's whole world is family. Allow other interests to appear in the child’s life, engage him in sections and clubs, preferably six months or a couple of months before the birth of the second child. During the same period, take walks with your grandmother or nanny. Let your eldest child’s world expand beyond the family and allow more significant people to appear in it.

Mistake #3.

With the advent of a newborn, the child’s entire established life changes dramatically. Place of residence, location of the crib, wake-up time and the person who takes you to kindergarten. If you have planned changes in the life of your older child, then implement all plans either before or after the birth of the child, so that the first-born does not have the slightest association that he owes all this to the new baby. A well-organized routine will give the elder a sense of stability.

Mistake #4.

I wonder why the older child would be jealous of the younger one, if we honestly told him that the baby will sleep in his former crib, carry his things, take his stroller, take away his toys, and we will have no time left for him, the older one? It seems that in this situation you yourself would hardly experience warm feelings for the new family member. Convey all this in such a way that it is positively colored in the mind of the older child. Advertising, as they say, is the engine of trade!

Mistake #5.

“I love you equally,” the parents say. But I can't believe it. They behave differently. It’s better to show with the example of picture books and fairy tales about friendly brothers and sisters, about animals with two babies, say that love only grows, but does not divide, and with the advent of your second child your heart has grown twice to accommodate twice as much love.

Mistake #6.

“You’re big now!” - say the parents. And they blame the first-born child for caring for the newborn, responsibility and a new, incomprehensible adulthood. Does the baby need this? Playing the elder should remain just that: a game, especially if your first child has not yet reached school age. And of course, in addition to the obligations and responsibility for “adulting,” significant bonuses are needed in the form of permission to go to bed later, play with any toys not allowed for the child, and eat or drink prohibited foods, such as candy or lemonade.

Mistake #7.

“You’re the eldest, so it’s your fault, you could have given in!” the firstborn hears. Or, on the contrary, there is a detailed investigation into who is the instigator of the conflict, encouraging snitching and deliberate provocations on the part of children. Help the children overcome the conflict by finding a compromise - separate them, or punish both.

Children's jealousy of the youngest: advice to mothers

Pay attention to the following tips:

Arrange rest days together

School-age children have no doubt already made a few close friends and may have their own secrets. Set aside a day for the first-born to spend with you without the presence of the younger child. For example, plan a trip to the cinema or a trip to the skating rink. An older baby will not only enjoy these outings, but will likely feel safer with parents with whom he is comfortable.

Try to stick to your normal routine

While it can be difficult to keep things running smoothly with the arrival of a newborn, your firstborn will feel less anxious and more at peace. Make sure he gets up and goes to bed at the same times as before his new friend arrived.

Try to do household chores together so that you can spend as much time as possible with him.

The older child has childhood jealousy towards the younger one: what to do

When to Seek Help for Childhood Jealousy

But not all parents can realize that the situation is out of control and the child needs the help of a specialist. There are warning signs that you should be able to recognize.

If after a couple of months your older child continues to be very jealous of the baby.
If after a month and a half the firstborn continues to regress.
If you feel strong aggression from a child towards you or your newborn.
If the firstborn often gets sick after the birth of the baby or does not recover for a long time.
If the character of the older child changes dramatically and greatly after the appearance of a brother or sister in the house.
If during the mother's pregnancy or after the birth of her second child, the first-born began to develop tics (involuntary muscle twitching, usually of the face or eyes) or neurosis-like states (hair pulling, nail biting, finger sucking).

In such cases, you should seek help from a child psychologist or neurologist. Let childhood jealousy remain a small and insignificant episode in the lives of your children. After all, a child’s jealousy is the baby’s lack of confidence in your love, but you love him, and that means you will definitely cope!