How not to teach a newborn baby to hold hands?

Thanks to psychologist Lyudmila Petranovskaya and her book “Secret Support: Attachment in a Child’s Life,” many parents have already learned about the phenomenon of a child’s attachment to an adult. For those who are now at the very beginning of their parenting journey, a brief explanation of attachment and its opposite - overprotection - from family psychologist Larisa Surkova, mother of five children, will be useful.

Why is he asking?

With the help of crying, the baby communicates with you, showing that he is uncomfortable or in pain. The first reaction of any mother in response to whims is to take the baby in her arms, calm her down, and then find out what caused the baby to cry. Over time, parents begin to accurately determine its root cause by the tone of crying.

While you have not yet learned to “communicate” with the baby, you will have to find out every time the reason for the baby’s crying and eliminate it, without resorting to reassurance by carrying it in your arms.

A newborn most often cries from hunger. If the baby is breastfeeding, then the baby who starts crying immediately after waking up should be fed immediately. If it’s close to mealtime, bottle-fed babies should also be offered a bottle of formula.
A baby's crying may be caused by discomfort. A well-fed child will be capricious if he is cold, wet, hot or stuffy.
The baby may cry due to psychological reasons: for example, the baby is overexcited or tired, and because of this he cannot sleep. Children are capricious because, on the contrary, they lack impressions and physical activity during periods of wakefulness. Also, a baby may cry because he is lonely and misses his mother next to him.
The child may cry, showing you that he is feeling bad. He may be teething or have a headache due to a cold, and children often suffer from colic in the first 3-4 months.

The newborn quickly realizes that the mother comes and cuddles him in response to crying, and in the future begins to use this effective tool at the slightest opportunity. Gradually, you will notice that the child begins to cry for no reason and instantly calms down, as soon as you take the baby in your arms.

Mom's hands are the key to peace of mind

Many parents have the mistaken opinion that a child who is in their arms all the time will not be able to remain without their mother for a minute in the future. When a mother, instead of taking the baby, rocking it, and calming it down, tries to distract him with something, the baby becomes anxious. Right now he needs a mother, not toys or a pet.

If mommy calms you down in her arms, puts you in the crib and stays nearby, the child will be satisfied. Seeing her, he knows that she is nearby and if something happens, she will hug and caress him.

When a child begins to learn to crawl, he observes objects below the level he previously observed in his mother’s arms. Now he is interested in absolutely everything. He spends less time with his mother, crawling on the floor more and more often. Therefore, you should not prohibit your child from exploring the world; therefore, you need to seize a free moment and allow your hands to rest.

The presence of a baby next to his mother contributes not only to his emotional balance, but also to self-confidence. If the mother tries to wean the child from holding hands at a very early age, then the child will need the mother’s attention even more and literally not let go of the mother’s hug. During this period, it is important to give your child your love and care.

Why is it bad to teach your baby to hold hands?

If you notice that your baby is using crying to get into your arms, you should immediately begin to wean your child off this emerging addiction.

The child will manipulate you by using crying as a means of getting your attention;
at first it will be easy for you to carry the baby in your arms, but soon its weight will be quite noticeable and dangerous for your musculoskeletal system;
babies who are constantly carried by their mothers become lazy: they do not want to master motor skills, develop poorly physically and do not know how to entertain themselves;
since the child spends almost the entire waking period in his mother’s arms, he does not have the opportunity or desire to explore the world around him and thus develop: shake rattles, feel objects of different textures, move and throw toys;
if mom’s hands are constantly busy, she simply physically will not be able to do housework: wash, iron, clean the house and cook; she will have to do all this during those periods when the baby is sleeping.

Thus, such a pathological attachment to the mother can threaten the baby with developmental delays, and the mother with chronic fatigue, back problems and nerve problems due to the constant whims of the baby.

To download or not to download

On the one hand, motion sickness is a completely natural physiological rhythm of movements familiar to a newborn: all 9 months he was in his mother’s stomach and did nothing but rock.
But there is absolutely no evidence that after birth the baby needs rocking to any extent. Nature has provided absolutely nothing for this, because the child himself cannot swing. This means that all the reasons for rocking a child were invented by mothers in order to justify their desire to put the child to sleep as soon as possible and finally go about their own business.

Komarovsky claims that there is no particular harm in motion sickness - for the child. There is no benefit either.

Another look

Psychologists recommend not depriving the baby of physical contact with his mother. And supporters of “hands-on” education believe that the child should be in close contact with his mother until he himself is psychologically ready to “break away” from her. Deprivation of this important connection for the baby threatens a number of problems:

Without feeling the presence of the mother nearby, the baby loses a sense of security;
a newborn is in dire need of contact with his mother, from whom he was separated by the birth process, and not receiving it fully, experiences extreme stress;
a baby without the warmth of the mother's body will experience problems with the thermoregulatory system and suffer from intestinal colic.

You yourself must think about which path you should choose: accustom the baby to your hands or deprive him of contact with you. But you can turn to the “golden mean”: providing the baby with maximum warmth and affection, without using carrying in your arms. This way the baby will receive the physiologically necessary contact with you and will develop harmoniously.

Is it worth weaning off your hands?

The habit of being held by adults is formed in a child from the first days of life. And if a one-year-old baby can be sat down with toys, distracted or interested in something, then it is impossible to come to an agreement with a 5-month-old baby due to his age. The issue of getting used to independence needs to be resolved gradually, but regularly and without pressure - then the result will not be long in coming.

While the baby still fits in your arms, if possible, do not deprive him of the desire to be in the warmth of his mother’s palms. Children grow up too quickly, and one day the child will stop asking to be held, and you will remember the weaning process with sadness and warmth.

How not to make the baby “tame”?

In order not to accustom your baby to your hands, but to provide him with the desired close contact, it is important to notice the emergence of a problematic habit in time and reconsider your own behavior.

Diversify the ways you touch your baby

Newborns still have poor hearing and vision, and almost the only way to communicate with the new world is through touch. Even as a child grows up, he longs to feel your touch and your warmth; for him, they are a guarantor of safety.

Don’t try to immediately grab a crying baby to calm him down, try to stroke him first, calm him down in a gentle tone and sit next to him. During the day, touch the baby often, put the baby with you on the bed, warming him with your warmth, or lay him on top of you.

Free your hands

If you do not want to injure your child and reject him by depriving him of contact with you, you can continue to carry him, but not in your arms, but in a sling. This convenient accessory will relieve your back and make you freer, while your baby will get what he wants.

Fill your baby's day with impressions

Children often ask to be held because they are bored and lonely. From the height of his mother's embrace, the baby sees the world from a different angle, and it is much more interesting than the boring mobile phone above the crib. In order not to accustom your child to your hands, you must organize rich, but not tiring leisure time for the baby during his waking hours.

Buy your baby a mobile with removable toys so that you can change the parts for new ones when your little one gets bored with the old ones;
while he is awake, move the baby from the crib to another place - to your bed, to a development mat, or simply to the floor covered with a warm blanket and offer him different toys;
develop a daily routine rich in gymnastics, reading and massage; such a pastime will not only sufficiently entertain the baby, but will also provide him with the desired close contact with you;
For emotional saturation, a child needs a certain load on his visual and auditory organs, so show the baby pictures from books, objects of different colors and shapes, and also play calm or rhythmic music in the background.

Let your baby see and hear you

If the baby cries and asks to be held because you leave him alone in the room while doing housework, let the child hear and observe what you are doing. If the size of the kitchen allows it, roll the stroller there and place it so that the baby can see you. After six months, babies can be placed in a highchair.

The child will see what you are doing and watch your actions and movements with interest. Comment on everything that happens in the kitchen, name the names of products, describe their properties: the more you communicate with your baby, the more vocabulary he will have.

Use different ways to calm down

Of course, holding a baby in your arms is the simplest and most effective method for calming. But you must find other methods so as not to make the baby “tame” and thereby complicate your life:

stroke the baby;
talk kindly to the baby;
rock the crib if it has runners or a pendulum mechanism;
shake the rattles;
show a bright or favorite toy;
offer the baby a pacifier;
try making faces in front of the baby or playing peek-a-boo.

Stand your ground firmly

If the baby has already been accustomed to holding hands, and now you want to correct this, it is important to strictly follow the chosen line of behavior. Having noticed that the baby is crying precisely because he wants to be in your arms, use different methods, trying to distract the child from this desire. Do not give in to the child, even if he cries for a long time, explain that you are very tired and can no longer carry such an adult and heavy baby in your arms.

If your tricks and persuasion do not help, make sure that the baby is safe and simply leave the room until the baby calms down. Afterwards, you should definitely talk to the child in a gentle tone, stroking his back, thereby showing that you love him.

Wakes up every 2 hours and eats at night

If your child from birth to one year old wakes up at night every 2-3 hours and asks to eat, then this is the norm. You are not a special case or an aberration. Most mothers, on the contrary, are happy if their child wakes up only 3 times a night to eat.

What do doctors advise mothers who complain of lack of sleep at night? At 21-22 hours (before bedtime), arrange an evening swim for the children in cool water - no more than 28 degrees. Do not increase the water temperature to 37 degrees. Imagine yourself at sea with such water - do you really want to swim and enjoy your vacation? No, you will come out of the water as if you were leaving a bathhouse.

So, your baby has actively swam, splashed in the water, it’s time to eat a hearty meal. If the baby is already on complementary feeding, then give him cottage cheese, porridge, kefir with cookies - that is, the food that will satiate him. You can be sure that your children will fall asleep soundly and sweetly, and will wake up only after 4-5 hours.

Briefly about the problem

Well-known pediatrician Evgeniy Komarovsky can tell you in as much detail as possible about whether such a problem exists and how to deal with it.

At first, the newborn continues to be “on the same wavelength” with his mother. Yes, now there is no connecting umbilical cord between them, they are separated, but only physically. There is still a psychological dependence between them. It is in the baby that it is most pronounced. Therefore, you should not be surprised that the little one, who is not yet very well oriented in the new world, needs tactile contact with his mother. From the outside it looks like this: the baby became worried - the mother took him in her arms, the baby felt her presence, heard her voice, recognized his native smell and calmed down.

This is exactly what many mothers use from the first independent days of their child.

How to replace the notorious “handles”?

Now that the baby is older, he can still ask to be held. For example, when he woke up. But you should not immediately fulfill such a requirement. Mom can just lie down next to him, kiss him on the cheeks and heels, and stroke his back.

At one year old, babies are mostly already walking - some are better, some are worse. They may be dropped, scratched or bumped. In this case, it is important for every child to feel sorry for him. Even in such a situation, you should not pick it up if the parents decide to wean the baby from this. You can hug him tightly, feel sorry for him, sympathize with him, and sit him on your lap. This alternative will be much more beneficial.

Little tricksters

As soon as the baby makes even a sound while lying in his crib, the mother rushes to him and takes him in her arms; if he has colic, the mother grabs him again. In a very short time, the baby understands that it is very simple to get mom “on the side”: just cry or sniffle. But until two months old, babies do not know how to abuse trust, and if they ask to be held, it means they really need it.

Everything changes by three months. Colic gradually subsides, they appear less and less often. Mothers no longer need to run up to their baby every minute, but they still do it out of habit. And the kids really like it all.

This is exactly the age when you can start talking about being spoiled. Now you no longer need to ask: how to understand that a child is accustomed to being held by hands. Everything becomes clear. The longer parents delay weaning, the more difficult it will be for them to do this.

How to wean a child from motion sickness?

It is not always easy to wean your baby off from falling asleep while rocking, so you need to be patient. If this is a familiar ritual for a child, he will not give it up so easily. Prepare in advance for the fact that you cannot retreat - act confidently, consistently, and do not give in to emotions.

If the child is under one year old

Most often, children under one year of age are still fed breast milk or formula before bed, so it is easier to wean babies of this age from motion sickness than older children.

Before installation, follow these simple recommendations:

try to walk in the fresh air shortly before going to bed, ventilate the room before going to bed;
before bedtime, bathe your baby in a spacious bath with the addition of a decoction of soothing herbs - lavender, valerian, oregano (if there is no allergy to herbs);
Avoid active games before bed, which can put the nervous system in an excited state.

If the baby is breastfed, he most likely falls asleep during feeding, all that remains is to transfer him to the crib and leave him there. For bottle-fed babies, things are different: after eating a portion of formula, the child does not have time to fall asleep, and parents have to resort to rocking in their arms. This also happens with particularly sensitive babies on the chest - the baby wakes up when being shifted. In such cases, you can try the following techniques:

put the baby in the crib and rock it (if this is provided for by the design of the crib), sing a lullaby;
if the crib does not rock, you can use a stroller, chaise longue, or cradle with rocking capabilities;
stroke your baby’s tummy, give him a light massage, don’t forget to communicate affectionately or sing a lullaby;
try rocking your baby to sleep on a large pillow, which you can then use to transfer him to the crib.

Your goal is to wean your baby from rocking to sleep in your arms, gradually replacing him with another way of laying him down, and in the future, to teach him to fall asleep without your help.

If the child is over a year old

It happens that parents completely trust the wishes of the baby, letting everything take its course, but now he is 1.5-2 years old, and he does not fall asleep on his own. In rare cases, the case drags on even up to 3 years. It’s not hard to imagine the difficulties parents face every time they rock their big baby in their arms. There is no need to talk about non-standard situations (being put to bed at a party, at the airport) or the condemnation of others.

It is more difficult to wean a toddler (child 1-3 years old) from rocking to sleep before bed than a baby. This is logical, because the baby understands a lot, can get out of the crib on his own, throw a tantrum, feign an attack of hunger, nausea, or relieve himself directly in bed, achieving his goal.

If you are a supporter of long-term but gentle weaning, try to find your own way to stop carrying a heavy child around the room:

come up with a daily ritual and perform it every evening: first read a book, watch a calm, kind cartoon, then put the child in the crib and turn on lullabies on the phone, sit next to him, stroke the baby or hold his hand (it is much easier to wean from this than from motion sickness) ;
bathe your child for a long time before bedtime, let this also become part of the ritual: the baby will get used to the fact that bathing is followed by a sweet dream, events are repeated every day and this is not at all scary;
put something in the crib that can distract and calm the child: a favorite toy, a special cloth, a plush blanket;
involve dad or grandma in the process - maybe with another family member it will be easier for the baby to fall asleep without the usual rocking.

If you have strong nerves and want to forget about motion sickness once and for all, and at the same time teach your child to fall asleep independently in his crib, you can try one of the following methods. Please note that if at the first tear you are ready to rush into the room and take the baby in your arms, these methods are not for you.

Instead of wearing, stay close

If a child is accustomed to using hands, how to wean him from this? When the baby becomes tame, and the parents are trying to change the situation, you can gradually, slowly, replace carrying in your arms with being with the little one. Quite often, the desire to be in mother’s arms, in her arms, is caused by ordinary fear: mother has left. For a baby who was born just three or four months ago, not seeing his mother, even if she only went into the next room, is an alarming signal. For him, this means that his mother has gone very far, it is unknown when she will return or whether she will return at all. It’s better to read books to him, sing a song, or even do housework, but while in the toddler’s field of view.

Falling asleep and motion sickness

So how not to teach a child to hold hands? The first time after the baby is born, he is interested in his new world. And let him be only in his room. But it’s very convenient - mom takes him in her arms, and the little one points with his finger where he wants to “go” next. Sometimes it is even useful to provide him with this opportunity, because when the baby learns to crawl, he will even begin to climb into places where it is not necessary.

The biggest difficulty will be falling asleep. It is at this moment that the mother is able to lose her last strength, especially if she needs to rock the baby to sleep at night. To make mother’s “work” easier, you can use a crib that has a pendulum mechanism.

It also happens that after the baby has been fed, he needs rocking. And he doesn't like it when mom tries to take him off the breast. It would be right to do this: the mother can simply lie down next to him or even stand while holding the baby in her arms. Just do not walk or rock it under any circumstances. From childhood, a child should understand that mother and motion sickness are not the same thing.

How to determine the cause of crying

If a baby experiences pain, fear or hunger, then his cry is usually loud, inviting, desperate. Many children in this situation have the same signs:

Feeling hungry, the baby cries for a long time and very loudly. If the desire to eat is not satisfied, then the child begins to choke. Once in the mother's arms, the baby will immediately begin to look for the breast and bury its nose in the mother. A child who is in pain cries pitifully and desperately. If the pain occurs suddenly, sharply, the baby will scream loudly and loudly. Crying from fear is similar to hysterics

In this case, it is important to quickly pick up the child and calm him down. Let him feel that he is not in danger.

The easiest way to determine what exactly is bothering your baby is to check each of the possible causes. To do this, you need to offer him food and drink. Take it in your arms and check if it is cold or, conversely, if it is sweating. Check the diaper and change it if necessary. If everything is in order, then it may be enough for the baby that someone approached him and showed him care and affection.