Co-sleeping with a baby: pros and cons

Co-sleeping with a baby has recently gained popularity. He gained many supporters, including famous scientists who had previously opposed him. Children sleeping with their parents feel constant protection; they hear their mother’s breathing, which has a positive effect on them. Touching the mother's body calms babies on a psychological level. It is also convenient for the mother herself to detect the slightest disturbance in the behavior of a sleeping child and calm him down without getting out of bed and preventing the baby from waking up.

How to organize co-sleeping with a baby?

Supporters of co-sleeping with a newborn baby note its advantages, but do not forget about some of the disadvantages. Proper organization will help reduce them to a minimum. It is necessary to take into account the main nuances in order to create conditions for maximum safety.

The baby must be absolutely healthy and full-term.
The bedroom must have an appropriate microclimate. The recommended air temperature is not higher than 22 °C. For children over 6 months - up to 20 °C. Humidity - about 50%.
The bedroom must be ventilated before going to bed.

Despite reviews about the benefits of sleeping together with a newborn, it should be remembered that it also has disadvantages. In addition, it will subsequently be difficult to train the child to sleep in his own crib.

Co-sleeping between children and parents: pros and cons

Today, the idea of children sleeping together with their parents has become widespread. Some encourage parents to sleep with their children almost until school (just like breastfeeding). Today I would like to bring to your attention my article on this topical topic. The article was prepared based on materials from the program “Mother’s School” (host Natalya Lvova) with the assistance of Natalya Klimova (a video on this topic is posted on the website in the “Video” section).

Should a baby sleep with mom and dad?

Sleeping together between mother and infant is a natural thing. The child needs tactile sensations, contact with his mother, he must physically feel this connection. When mom takes him in her arms or puts him to sleep next to her, he gets the care he needs. If we are talking about older children, then this is a different topic.

How to persuade a preschool child to sleep separately?

You need to persuade yourself first! It often happens that mothers themselves do not want to let their babies go. Children do not easily persuade, but accept the rules that adults introduce. And, if parents do not introduce such rules, or introduce them hesitantly, then, indeed, the child will have to be persuaded. Let's think about how normal and acceptable it can be for a child to sleep with mom and dad... Adults are a married couple. They got married, and the meaning of this marriage is not at all in the children who then appear (and sometimes do not appear). The meaning is in the relationship between a man and a woman! When a child is born, it simply becomes a natural consequence of the marital relationship. The baby immediately takes his place next to his mother, which is absolutely normal, since in the first months he is especially dependent on her and is helpless. If you try to place the child in the center (between the parents), then the husband and wife will have to distance themselves from each other a short distance. In a situation where more children appear and they also begin to get a place between the spouses, this distance becomes larger and larger. Therefore, the most natural option is when the kids are not in the center, but next to mom or dad. In this case, they do not violate the integrity of the marriage union.

Until what age should a child sleep with mom and dad?

Imagine what it looks like for a child to sleep together with his parents (if this is a complete family). A married couple has a partnership relationship. And so the baby ends up in the same bed with them... Let's start with the fact that even a double bed cannot always accommodate all three without limiting their comfort. A small child most often sleeps with his arms and legs spread out in all directions, and sometimes even finds himself lying across the bed. It is quite difficult to talk about marital relationships, since the baby is the center of attention. Sleeping in this way is uncomfortable, first of all, for the parents, and sometimes even for the child himself. This situation is justified when he is still so small that he often suckles at his mother’s breast and behaves restlessly. If the child sleeps in a separate crib, then the woman has to get up several times during the night, and she gets very tired. It must be said that sleeping together between mother and baby is natural and allows her to sleep more or less normally. And the baby feels good next to his mother. At the same time, you need to understand that the question: “How comfortable and convenient is this for dad?” generally remains behind the scenes. We just have to think and answer it ourselves... But as soon as the child grows up and no longer needs the constant attention of the mother, and the mother, at the same time, stops breastfeeding (as a rule, this happens by 1-1.5 years, although now Long-term feeding of a child up to 3-4 years of age is becoming increasingly popular, as well as co-sleeping of a child with his parents almost until school age), you need to put him in his own crib! And, moreover, I am a supporter of having a crib in the apartment from birth. I know parents who consider this a premature purchase in the first months of the baby’s life, and think about a separate sleeping place for the baby only when he begins to run. I still think that a child should have the concept of “his own bed” from the very beginning, and how long he sleeps in it is not so important. Let him be placed there only during daytime naps (or move him if he falls asleep in another place). Thus, we accustom our son or daughter to the fact that they have their own sleeping place, while the mother is always nearby - there is nothing to be afraid of. It’s good if the crib is next to an adult and the mother can take care of the baby when he cries or opens up at night. As a rule, a cradle or small crib is used until the age of three, although after two years children can safely sleep in “transformers” with sides to protect them from falling. And, again, this option allows the child to sleep next to his mother. You just need to place the child's bed next to the parent's (on the mother's side) and remove the side that separates them. In such a situation, even if the baby crawls into the parent’s bed, he will end up “under the side” of his mother. And mom is next to dad. The ideal option is a child not between spouses, but nearby! Therefore, it is normal for the baby to sleep in a crib next to his mother, and after a couple of years (at 3-4 years old) he can already sleep in a separate room (if, of course, living space allows).

Is it possible to allow a child to visit his parents at night?

If a child comes to mom and dad in the middle of the night, then you need to find out if he has any fears. Maybe he's having nightmares, he's afraid of something, or he's just sick. But when we exclude these things and understand that he just wants to sleep between his parents, then this is a different situation. In the first case, we are dealing with a psychological problem, and in the second, a pedagogical one. It is necessary to explain to the child that from now on there are new rules in the family. Previously, he slept with adults (in the same bed or in the same room), but now he has become large enough, so he will sleep separately. The child will most likely become rebellious. And, parents need to show that they hear him and support him. You can say: “We understand that it is very cozy and warm for you to sleep with us... And you would like to sleep with us... But we, adults, need to sleep separately. That’s right: mom and dad sleep in their own bed, and the child sleeps in his own. We know you don't like it, you're not happy. But we must introduce such rules and you will have to comply with them.” You need to be prepared for the fact that the child may cry, demand that the previous order be returned, refuse to sleep in his own bed or in a separate room, and throw tantrums. It is important to clarify here: “If you think that you will achieve your goal with this behavior, then you are mistaken. But we understand you and know that this is a very sad situation: before you could sleep with us, but now you will sleep separately... But now there will be a new order, and we will all get used to it.” There is another method that allows you to teach your child to sleep separately - fairytale therapy! A fairy tale can be very useful in such a matter. You can consult a psychologist, or you can choose the appropriate literature yourself. Now there are a lot of such books. Let's say a story about a little squirrel, who at first was afraid to sleep alone, and then became an adult and now sleeps in his own crib. As a rule, preschool children really like such fairy tales and they really help children overcome the pain of going to bed separately from their parents. Well, if you have a rich imagination, you can come up with a fairy tale for your own child and even act it out with the help of toys. Do I need to take my child back to his bed if he comes to mom and dad at night?

If the child is not sick, if he does not have any sudden fears (although he can sometimes talk about them only in order to achieve his goal), it is necessary to clearly say over and over again that at night mom and dad sleep together and separately from him . Sometimes you start working with a child who says that he is afraid of something, and in the process of working and analyzing the family situation, you realize that in fact there are no fears! He covers himself with them to lie in the center, between his parents. And, at night, of course, you need to take the child back and not make concessions. I repeat once again: this is the case if there are no real fears and the child is not sick. If you didn’t take him once (well, of course, you want to sleep at night and are too lazy to take him to another room..), then a second time, then the child will quickly understand: by doing this, he will achieve his goal. And, even if you already “recaptured” your bedroom some time ago, and now you’ve given up the slack, all your previous efforts will be in vain! Therefore, after the introduction of new rules, prepare mentally, just in case, to take your child back to his crib at night for the next couple of nights in order to teach him to sleep separately. At the same time, say that you are very close, and all children at his age should already sleep separately. But you can tell your child that in the morning, when the sun wakes up and it’s completely light, he can come to your room to say “Good morning!” (and even lie down in your bed to hug and kiss).

About hard methods: is it possible to put a lock on the door so that children cannot get into the parents' bedroom?

I would say that this is an extremely clear and effective method. I have encountered similar cases in my practice when parents resorted to something similar. Some things seemed too harsh and categorical to me, but I saw that they worked. It’s just that dad or mom didn’t see a better way at that time and used the ideas that came to their minds then. I have no right to condemn them. Of course, the method of locking the room is too harsh... And I think that it would be entirely possible to avoid such a harsh method if the parents remained calm, confident and self-controlled and were able to convey to the child in a good way the new rules in the family. I am a supporter of clear, understandable and less traumatic approaches to raising children.

When the family is not complete, a child in an adult bed does not bother anyone. Let's assume that mom is happy with such a vacation. Is it possible to allow co-sleeping in this case?

It still seems to me that mothers who put 5-6 year old children into bed with them think first of all about themselves, and not about the child. They themselves want to be nearby, hug the child, kiss... That is, to hold on to this childhood, enjoy it, merge with their child! Usually a woman who does not have a husband directs all her energy (which should be shared with her husband) and affection only to the child. But can he cope with such a flow of love and sacrifice? What will such a symbiotic connection between a rather large child and his mother lead to? How this might turn out in the future is a big question! Although there are actually a lot of answers and examples from life. And they are often far from positive in nature...

Of course, any mother needs to learn to “let go” of her child from herself, giving him more and more freedom and independence every year. Including the issue of a place to sleep. What should you do if your child sleeps peacefully during the day while at home, but cannot sleep in kindergarten? There are some things that are difficult to do in public places. In a familiar home environment, it is easier to do them (although it happens that some children, on the contrary, do not sleep at home during the day, but easily fall asleep in the garden). It is quite possible that time will pass and the child will adapt. He will get used to kindergarten and will fall asleep calmly there. During the adaptation period, there is no need to dwell on this problem. If the teacher and mother begin to actively fight to ensure that the baby falls asleep, he may begin to “butt” and resist. If adults are calm about his reluctance to sleep, most likely there will come a time when this will happen naturally. You just need to wait a little. The main thing is that the child does not disturb other children during quiet time. And if he just lies quietly on the bed during the whole quiet hour and doesn’t create problems for anyone, and no one scolds him for it, it’s likely that very soon he’ll sleep just like other children.

If a child already goes to school, and at the same time continues to come to his parents at night, can we expect that one day he will independently decide to sleep separately?

There is, of course, a chance that this will happen. However, this happens with younger children. If we are talking about children, say, nine years old, then we can say that this is unlikely. It seems to me that in this case we are talking about an unhealthy symbiotic, codependent relationship. A child simply cannot sleep without his mother, he needs it for something (and so does his mother). I would recommend contacting a psychologist to understand why at this age a son or daughter does not want to leave their parents’ bed. You also need to understand why the mother is satisfied with this state of affairs.

It is important to remember a simple thing. Children go through certain developmental stages. And every year they become more independent. If we "tie" them to ourselves, we disrupt their natural development and prevent them from growing up. Children need the sober love of wise parents. And a priori, a husband and wife should sleep together. First of all. Children will accept any rules coming from their parents.

Safety regulations

When deciding to put your child to bed with his parents, you should remember the following safety measures:

It is not recommended to swaddle your baby to avoid overheating. Optimal clothing is light pajamas.
Parents who decide to sleep with their newborn child should not smoke, take alcohol or take psychotropic drugs.
They should not have infectious or viral diseases.
For additional safety of the baby, you can use cocoon cribs.
Nightgowns and pajamas should be made from natural fabrics without long strings
You will also have to give up jewelry.
The child should not be placed on a pillow (harmful for the formation of the spine) and covered with an adult blanket (overheating of the body is possible).

How to put your baby to sleep: 9 tips

Parents begin to think about this problem when all the mistakes have already been made, and the child sleeps only with the breast in his mouth, or while rhythmically swinging on a fitball, or while dynamically dancing around the apartment with him in his arms. That’s when they ask the question: “How can I put a child to sleep without these complex manipulations?”

As always, let us turn to those who have not yet made this mistake: “Dear parents, do not teach your child anything that you will later want to wean off!”

When the child is very young, you can choose two main tactics. The first is physical contact. The baby eats and falls asleep in your arms or next to you when mom or dad's hand is on top. This creates the effect of presence and fulfills the child’s basic need for safety. The second way is that the child eats and falls asleep, usually in the mother’s arms, but then the baby is placed in a crib or cradle. Everyone wants to use this method when the child is 6-7 months old, but then the basic habits have already been formed, and it is difficult to do this.
Child psychologists and neuropsychologists (Weissbluth, Estiville) rightfully oppose traumatic methods of teaching oneself to fall asleep independently. Firstly, “fading cry” in the parents’ version often turns into “let me scream.” Secondly, it threatens delayed psychological problems at the age of 3-6 years.
From the moment a child is born, it is very important to distinguish between the concepts of “day and night.” During the day there is no need to create artificial darkness and silence.
“Sleep” does not mean “eating” and vice versa. A newborn lives precisely in this mode, but at 6–7 months the baby can be safely taken away from this pattern. You gave the baby the breast, then lay down on the bed and stroked his back, then he fell asleep. So feeding will not be the only method to put the baby to sleep.
The most rational way, which demonstrates good results when it is impossible to put the child to sleep in any other way, is a sequence of actions and rituals. Day after day, the baby must get used to the fact that bathing is followed by feeding, and feeding is followed by sleep.
Remember the main thing: the psyche and brain mature gradually, and at 14–20 months the baby is simply not ready to sleep without waking up. Mothers often confuse light sleep with waking up and immediately put the baby to the breast. Pause for at least 1-2 minutes. Maybe the baby will roll over from side to side and go back to sleep. But if a child under 2 years of age sleeps less than 10 hours a day and screams in his sleep, consider visiting a child psychologist.
To decide whether to place your baby in a separate bed, I suggest using the goal setting method. Think about what is important to you, why did you decide to move your child from your bed? To get enough sleep, or to have a normal sex life, or because a new baby is due to be born soon, or because the child has already grown up and it’s time? Or maybe because “my grandmother and everyone around me shame me and say that I’m a bad mother”? Analyze your motivation and find the true reason, the one that is dictated by the interests of you and your child, and not of the “good aunt”.
Respect your child's opinion. Perhaps he doesn’t want to sleep here and now because he’s busy? Playing? Doesn't want to be interrupted? Give him the opportunity to finish his business, accept that he is a living person and can have his own plans.
Remember that “everything at once” does not happen. We often want too much from our children. At the same time, wean the child off the breast, do not put diapers on him at night and persuade him to sleep in his own bed? Isn't it too much? Set your priorities, choose what is most important for you and your child, and follow that path!

Requirements for a parent's bed

In the absence of a cocoon crib, special requirements are imposed on the parent’s bed:

it should be wide enough to provide enough space for the baby;
have a high-hardness mattress;
the child should sleep between the mother and the wall (if the bed is not near the wall, a fence must be installed on the side where the child will sleep);
Change bedding frequently, which should be light, soft and breathable.

Interesting article about how to make a mattress firmer using a mattress pad

Compliance with the above conditions guarantees the child a calm, healthy sleep and the soothing closeness of his mother.

If it is impossible to complete any item, you can solve the problem in the following way. Place the baby crib close to the parents' bed, having first removed or lowered the side wall. In this position, the baby will be in his sleeping place, but next to his mother. The same method can be used to wean a child from his parents' bed.

You can only sleep with a baby on a bed. It is not recommended to place it on folding sofas. Their surface is not intended for newborns.

At what age should you start sleeping alone?

There are no specific recommendations for ending co-sleeping. Some children sleep well without their parents from the very first days, others cannot sleep without their mother’s presence until they are 5 years old.

Notes to help you understand when to stop co-sleeping:

the child has already been weaned - see how to wean a child;
his night sleep lasts 5-6 hours without interruption - when the child begins to sleep all night;
During the day, the baby is less and less often in his mother’s arms;
if he wakes up at night, he doesn’t cry;
the child has an instinct of ownership, when there is a clear division into “this is mine, and this is yours”;
The child can be alone in the room for 15-20 minutes.

It is necessary to delay the transitional moment of growing up of a baby when:

the child suffered a birth injury;
he has high intracranial pressure;
there are signs of developmental delay and speech delay;
the baby is irritable, hyperactive, restless.

Such children most of all need their mother's presence. It is also not recommended to “evict” a child when teething, after an illness, or when attending kindergarten has just begun. These events are already exciting and caused stress. For a vulnerable psyche, such changes will be a real test.

Only the parents decide at what age the baby should be weaned from the habit of sleeping with his mother. Teaching a child to sleep independently is a difficult task, but it can be done. The main thing is patience and endurance of adults. It is worth considering that at first he will often wake up at night and run to the comfort of his parents’ bed. Gradually the baby will stop doing this.

Additionally : What to do if a newborn confuses day with night

Positions for sleeping together with a baby

When sleeping together with an infant, the mother needs to take care of a comfortable sleeping position. It should be comfortable enough for her (so she can get a good night's sleep) and not dangerous for the baby.

It is better to avoid sleeping on your side. You can carelessly turn forward and crush the child. Sleeping on your stomach will also not be very comfortable. If the baby starts to wake up, you will have to turn around to calm him down. Such movements will disturb the child even more.

The optimal position for sleeping with a baby is on your back. In this position, you can breastfeed the baby without getting out of bed, just turning slightly on your side. Some mothers get used to sleeping in such a position so that feeding does not require unnecessary movements and disturbing the baby.

What needs to be taken care of?

It is important that the child is always safe. There are some points to consider if it is decided that the newborn baby will sleep with the parents:

Both parents must be absolutely healthy so as not to infect their child with anything. This is one of the main requirements for parents who decide to practice co-sleeping. It is unacceptable to sleep with a baby in the same bed if one of the parents is sick with ARVI, influenza, or various skin diseases.
You cannot take your baby to bed with you if one of the parents has consumed alcohol. In this state, significant harm can easily be caused to the child during sleep. The same goes for sedatives and sleeping pills.
The bed on which the newborn baby will sleep must be fairly firm and level. The baby does not need to lay a soft feather bed and place a pillow under his head. This will negatively affect the baby’s health – it can lead to curvature of the spine. A baby in a diaper will sleep well even without a pillow.
You cannot place the bed near a window if there is a draft from it - the child can easily catch a cold.
There is no need to wrap your baby too much to prevent him from overheating. Especially if the baby sleeps under the same blanket with his parents, because it is not only the blanket that warms him, but also the bodies of the parents.
You should not place your child on the edge of the bed, as he may fall. The safest option is against the wall or in the center of the bed. If the bed is against the wall and a gap has formed between the wall and the bed, you should cover it with a soft cloth or blanket so that the baby does not fall there.
Pediatricians assure that an infant should sleep only on his back or side. Because on the stomach, a child can suffocate, burying himself in a pillow. It is still better for the newborn baby to sleep on his side. The fact is that when consuming breast milk, babies often spit up, and lying on their back, the baby can choke.
During teething, and also if the baby is sick, he simply needs to sleep with the material. The more often a nursing mother puts the baby to the breast, the faster he will recover.

Bed for co-sleeping with a child

Sleeping together with a newborn will be comfortable on a bed that provides the necessary conditions for the baby and mother.

It must be double. Neither a one-and-a-half-bed, nor, especially, a single-bed are suitable for this. It must be taken into account that both mother and child need at least 70–80 cm of sleeping surface. And there may be a happy dad nearby.
The child should sleep on a hard surface, which means the parent’s bed mattress should be chosen with a high degree of hardness.

Manufacturers offer special beds for co-sleeping, which provide a special place for the child. It has a small recess to prevent the baby from rolling off, and a protective edge. The sleeping surfaces in such beds have varying degrees of hardness, comfortable for adults and newborns.

You can use special “nest” cribs or cocoon cribs for your child, which are installed in the parent’s bed.

Learn more about what a cocoon mattress for newborns is

So, if children are put to bed with their parents

The advantages are:

you can easily feed on demand, which only benefits lactation.
the child is calmer: he is not afraid alone, he feels warmth, protection and safety
His nervous system develops better, as he feels his mother with his whole body.
Mom is much calmer when the child is next to her.

If parents put their children to bed separately, this also has its advantages:

safety for the baby (will not fall, will not be crushed).
a well-rested mother (if you and your baby sleep restlessly).
satisfied dad (no obstacles to intimate relationships).
You won’t have to think about how to wean your baby from sleeping with you.

And now I’ll tell you a little about myself, okay? : )

More precisely, about how this story - “now together, now apart” – happened in our family.

How to get enough sleep with a baby

A young mother cannot count on proper sleep. A newborn needs attention even at night. The woman constantly wakes up, gets up, approaches the baby, feeds him, rocks him to sleep. After that he tries to fall asleep again. During the day, when the child is sleeping, it is necessary to do the current homework, and it is not possible to get enough sleep again.

Chronic lack of sleep causes depression, milk loss, appearance changes, and health worsens. There is an urgent need to find a way to get enough sleep at night.

Co-sleeping with a baby has become a good way to increase the duration and quality of a mother's rest. The baby is nearby. Any anxiety he has is immediately felt. A few soothing movements can quickly calm your baby. You can also feed him without getting out of bed. A young mother has more time to relax.

You recently became a mother and have already experienced all the delights of chronic lack of sleep - try co-sleeping with your baby. It will be useful for both the baby and you. A child who hears his mother’s breathing and her heartbeat sleeps much more peacefully and wakes up less often at night, which means you will also have the opportunity to get a good night’s sleep. The main thing is to take all safety measures and choose a suitable bed.

Why, when growing up, does a child still sleep with his parents, refusing to go to his own bed?

A question asked by many parents and for many it develops into a problem that is painful for both the baby and the parents for a long time trying to solve.

Reason #1

Having moved into their room or bed, children are in no hurry to stay there overnight, and often wake them up at night asking them to sleep together one more time, but it’s easier for mom and dad to move than to calm them down and put them to bed again. Therefore, one of the main reasons why children continue to spend the night with their parents is that the parents themselves take them in or allow them to sleep in their own bed.

Reason #2

The next factor influencing a child’s refusal to sleep on his own is prolonged rocking and disorganized preparation for bed. For example, your baby falls asleep in your bed while listening to a fairy tale or playing next to you, and stays that way until the morning. The habit of falling asleep with adults from childhood is also an important factor that leads to the child’s desire to spend the night with his parents in the future.

Reason #3

Also, one of the reasons for falling asleep with parents may be the lack of attention given to the baby. Perhaps adults are very busy and do not spend enough time communicating with the child. As a result, the child looks for him and finds him, going to bed in the same bed, because this way he can talk, tell about something, listen to a fairy tale and just be close.

Time for crib training

Most psychologists recommend weaning your baby off co-sleeping when he reaches 6 months. During this period, the child makes more active movements, he receives his first complementary foods, and the connection with his mother weakens a little.

In the first days, it will not be easy for parents: the baby will cry, wanting to return to his favorite place to sleep.

But you need to remain calm and confident, and not take the baby into your bedroom. In a couple of days the baby will get used to the new place. Sometimes the process drags on for months.

Other psychologists argue that the best time for accustoming to a separate crib is 2-3 years, when the child is already making conscious actions.

You can already explain to your child that he is old enough to have his own room. But not every parent will be able to sleep with a baby for 3 years.

Accustoming should be gradual; there is no need to suddenly change the atmosphere familiar to the baby.

There are a number of situations in which you should not separate a child from his mother:

teething;
development of the disease;
adaptation period in kindergarten;
moving to a new place of residence;
the birth of a brother or sister;
parents' divorce.

At such moments, you should pay more attention to the baby, as he will be capricious and whiny.