If you suddenly lost your temper and yelled at your child, you probably felt remorse afterward. You may have even wondered what prompted you to do this.
Most likely, you had a lot on your mind. Perhaps they were upset or depressed. While you may be able to understand what made you angry, it doesn't change the psychological impact on the child who was yelled at. When yelling at your child has become just a bad habit, how can you stop yelling at your child?
Many children quickly calm down when they are yelled at, but their underlying feelings of resentment and sadness remain. Hurt feelings after being yelled at may not last long, or they may last longer. For some children, the consequences of being yelled at can last a lifetime. Children don't always talk about how hurt they are, so you may not even be aware of the pain you've caused.
By having a better understanding of the short- and long-term psychological effects of yelling at a child, you give yourself the opportunity to change your communication and interactions with children in a way that is rewarding for both of you. Typically, parents use the same parenting methods as their parents. Today, research guides our understanding of how to build and maintain better relationships. If you have decided to stop yelling at your children and are having trouble breaking the pattern, you may want to seek help from a licensed professional.
– Natalia, tell us a little about your work.
– I graduated from Kursk State University with a degree in Psychology in 2014.
She also completed graduate school and worked at school as a teacher-psychologist for three years. Currently on maternity leave. Now the psychology that was in books is completely in my family, in practice. I am also studying at the Moscow Gestalt Institute, finishing the third stage of the leading group. I conduct personal therapy, and with a Moscow colleague we have an online therapeutic group “Mothers and Daughters”. We work with girls in a pleasant atmosphere, working on relationships with their mothers through different experiences. Why did I talk about the Gestalt approach? There I like the attitude towards aggression, anger, in principle. There is a wonderful description in Frederick Perls' book Ego, Hunger and Aggression. In short, it says the following.
Aggression
is something that is inherent in us, a driving force. If I want something, then to get it, I need to be aggressive. I get excited energetically, and in order to simply satisfy my hunger, I need to perform some action. Roughly speaking, kill a mammoth, earn money, go to the store, cook dinner, chew, get enough. This is also an aggressive moment. But in our culture this emotion is not so easy.
“Don’t scream”, “Don’t swear”, “Don’t cry” - all these stories are about the fact that it’s difficult to deal with anger. This is a difficult experience, most often it is blocked. From my own experience, I can say: when we are faced with the fact that a child does not agree with something or behaves outside our expectations, the first thing we do is get angry and irritated. And how to correctly distribute this emotion is a big story.
– I didn’t learn my lessons and got a bad grade.
– You know that this is bad.
That is, lessons need to be taught, it needs to be controlled, and your attempt to control is natural. It first evokes anger, and then a wave of conscience. But if we determine what is normal and what is not, then, in my opinion, it is not normal to pretend that everything is fine. In psychology there is such a concept as “anxious child” and “anxious parent”. Let's look at the first one. Where does a child's anxiety come from? When he does not have clear boundaries, what is possible, what is not, what is good, what is bad. He has the concept of “only bad” and “only good”, and that’s enough. If the parent does not give boundaries, then the child begins to worry. Such children are immediately visible in kindergarten or school.
They cannot sit quietly at their desks and listen to their elders, because everything is allowed to them. These guys simply don’t have an understanding of why something isn’t allowed. Then it will be very difficult for them in kindergarten, school, and university. They get used to the fact that everything is possible for them, and society is quite strict, it has its own rules, and it would be nice to somehow know and follow these rules. If not mom, then someone else will be angry.
Noticing anger and aggression in yourself that you want to control in order to protect the child is normal behavior. Say: “I control you not because you are bad or I am bad, but because it is dangerous.” Another thought popped into my head: why don’t we like teachers? Because they teach, and they force us, and we are free people. We feel good in freedom, everyone should respect us. But, excuse me, in order to be free, you need to do something: study, work, make an effort. Unfortunately, teachers have to exert such influence, which is why they are feared, loved, and respected at the same time. Let me summarize. I need to understand one thing for myself: if something goes wrong in my life, then it’s okay to be angry. This emotion has a certain gradation. First it is irritation, anger, then anger. And if you don’t notice your irritation, it turns into anger. Aglaya Dateshidze, one of the most popular psychologists today, writes: “It would be nice to learn to notice your little “no” and talk about it.” That is, not when it is already unbearable, but to say right away that this is impossible. Mom thinks: “I love my child, how can I not buy him candy?”
Warn in advance. For example, you can say: “If you don’t do your homework now, I’ll start to get irritated.” There is a useful phrase: “I’m not angry with you because you’re doing something wrong, but if you do it like this, then I’ll be angry with you” or “I’ll be angry with you in this situation.” That is, explain the cause and consequences. Don’t say: the neighbor’s son is good, but you are so-and-so. No. “I get angry when you do things like that.” The most relevant and useful information for modern parents is in our newsletter.
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The impact of screaming on a child with skin vector
A child with a skin vector, on the contrary, is very active and nimble. Novelty and change are desirable for him, he strives for sports and active games. His psyche easily adapts to any conditions.
The values of the skin vector are success, status in society, material and property superiority. You can’t yell at a child with such a mental structure because when parents yell at a child with a skin condition, at the same time insulting and humiliating him, saying that nothing will ever come of him, he feels extreme suffering. Because it is a blow to his values. This causes internal pain. He strives for success and superiority with all his heart, but receives humiliation and insults.
When a child is shouted at frequently, his psyche adapts to such conditions. To reduce this suffering, the child unconsciously relearns to derive pleasure not from tenderness, affection and success, but from pain and humiliation. Endorphins - hormones of happiness, instead of being produced from success, superiority, begin to form in order to extinguish suffering.
The child quickly gets used to this, and later he himself begins to provoke his parents to shout and humiliate him in order to get his dose of pleasure. In the future, this leads to a loser complex in life. A person can consciously strive for success, but will do everything to fail, because only from it can he unconsciously derive pleasure.
And if, with the help of a scream, a child with a skin vector is prohibited from everything and everyone without explaining the reasons for his prohibition, over time he simply ceases to perceive any prohibitions. This leads to sloppiness, an inability to organize oneself and, in the future, others. He will not become a leader and organizer, although he potentially has such talent. After all, discipline that promotes the development of the skin vector always involves an explanation of why “this is not possible” and what benefits he will receive for limiting himself.
“... Evening. Mom and son are doing homework. But something subtly changed. We also spend hours doing things that can be done in 15 minutes. The child also spins on the chair like a spinning top. It also flies into one ear and out of the other)). His mouth doesn't close. We need to talk about everything. And you sit next to me and catch yourself thinking that just a few weeks ago we would both be suffering. The son - from fear, from the fact that his mother does not love him, and his mother - from a feeling of guilt for her cry, for her anger.
Just a few lectures and everything changed dramatically. I became calm and patient. I completely stopped yelling at my son. I don’t scream and I don’t want to. I wanted changes in my life, changes in my relationship with my son, especially with my son... And I got this from completing the SVP training. And I got a lot more than I wanted..."
Zhanna B., accountant, Abakan
“... I try to direct Yegor’s life towards organization and the ability to fill and distribute my time. Sometimes it works. Sometimes not. But when it works out, he himself notes how much easier it is - when there is no disconnect in time, when the day turns out well, in his words ... "
Gulnara G., psychologist, Nizhnevartovsk
Read about the impact of screaming on children with other vectors in the second part.
Authors Alexander Chernov, Victoria Semibratskaya
Proofreader Maria Klimnyuk
The article was written using materials from Yuri Burlan’s online training “System-vector psychology”
– Can parents change their child’s behavior by changing their parenting methods?
– If they are interested and ready to change, then yes.
Psychologists have a story where when we work with families, we say that a child is a “symptom.” If aggression is pronounced in the family, or there are some difficulties, then the non-standard behavior of a daughter or son is a signal. Parents cannot cope with this, and everything reflects on the child, because he is the most sensitive and has the least experience. He reacts as best he can, adapts. For example, a family comes and says: “The child does not listen to me, argues with me and snaps at me.” I begin to communicate with my mother and understand that the child has no right to disagree with her. In this case, he does everything exactly the same, but with the difference that only he is listened to. Mom, unfortunately, did not understand that she herself was demonstrating aggressive behavior. She believed that in her case it was upbringing. Much depends on age. Young girls from 17 to 22 years old often contact me. They already approach everything consciously, can pay for their therapy themselves and are ready to change. At this age, a young person can separate from his parents, and at an early age, this is, of course, the contribution of adults to the family.
Learn to express negative emotions without aggression
If you feel yourself getting angry, you should not try to suppress this feeling. Try expressing your irritation without raising your voice. For example, tell your child, “What you said upset me.” This will be much more correct than the usual: “You did bad.” Talk about your feelings without offending your child with your statements. Instead of yelling angrily at your child, sing a song loudly, then your emotions will immediately subside. If you can’t restrain yourself, explain this to your child. Say that you feel guilty and that you were wrong.
The ability to ask for forgiveness from your child is a sure way to maintain trusting relationships in the family
As a rule, parents themselves understand that screaming and using physical force is not the answer, but they are not always able to cope with emotions. Sometimes it is necessary to punish your child, but in such a way that the child is not humiliated. Never raise your voice or use physical punishment on your child.
More useful information on the topic in the video:
– In this case, do they work only with the mother or with the child?
– There are different work strategies. It happens that a mother comes with her child, and in my class they interact. Or the mother separately, in therapy, works through her anger, shame, or some kind of short temper, and they bring the child separately. Depending on the issue. Although mothers often turn to me with the words: “I understand that something is wrong in my head. Help, I’m yelling at the child too much.” Mom notices her emotional reaction, realizes there is a problem and goes to a psychologist. This is a good way. Mom somehow worked with herself, learned to deal with her feelings, and this is already affecting the family. Sometimes a couple comes with a child. You sort out their conflict and understand what to change. But sometimes adults are not ready.
How to get rid of the habit of yelling at your child
- Admit that you have it . Analyze over the course of a week how many times you have snapped for no reason or reason. Do your friends and family tell you that you scream, do strangers pay attention to you? You need to admit it and say: “I scream too often, and that’s a fact.” If a person denies this and tries to justify himself, then he is not ready to fight this habit.
- Make sure everything is okay with the nervous system . The pace of life and constant stress make the human nervous system vulnerable. Sometimes constant screaming is a consequence of depression, neurotic disorders, and chronic fatigue syndrome. If you suspect that the situation is getting out of control and you are losing your temper, for example, because of a chair not being moved correctly, it is worth visiting a psychotherapist.
- Before you scream, count to five (make it a rule) - and the reaction, the first words, will not be so fast and loud. Another technique works similarly: before shouting, take a deep breath and exhale slowly.
- Imagine yourself from the outside , how you look in the eyes of people who don’t know the reason for your screams. Perhaps this will stop you.
- If you feel like you might explode, honestly warn your child : “I can’t hold back any longer.” This does not work often, but occasionally this technique can be used.
- Recognize that screaming is not strength, but your weakness , this thought can also hold you back and force you to reconsider your behavior.”
ON THE TOPIC: She screams: “Eat, you bastard!”, and he cries. What's going on in the apartments of Slutsk
– Are there any ways that can help a mother restrain herself and not lash out at her child?
– Knowing age periodization helps me a lot.
We open the classics of psychology - “Age Psychology” (Lisina M.I.). We look at what the baby can do, how he behaves, how his brain works at a given age, and how the child develops. Nowadays there is a lot of information on the Internet. It is important to know your child from a psychological point of view. The second way not to lash out is to become aware of your anger. The process is not easy, but it is important to allow yourself such an emotion. For example, psychosomatics in this regard is clearly manifested when, due to the inability to express some emotions, the body reacts and gets sick. When anger is blocked, it is psychosomatics that most often triggers: heart pain, shortness of breath, diabetes. You can go to a psychologist. Of course, this doesn't sound like a life hack. It's a long way, and it's difficult to change everything with a click. I would also recommend reading the book “Ego, Hunger and Aggression.” It is complex, scientific, but for understanding the idea that anger is the main source of life, it is good. If we talk about an easier way, then it is to notice your irritation without bringing it to anger. An adult must learn to control his emotions. If you missed an irritation somewhere, then you need to go back to it and understand what’s wrong. Warn, as I already said: “If you don’t wash your hands, I will be angry.” It is important.
