10 ways to punish a child without screaming, belting or humiliation

14.01.2020

Punishing children is a hot topic that always causes holi-wars on social networks and forums. Some people think that there is nothing wrong with slapping a child on the bottom or slapping him on the head for disobedience. Some people are categorically against physical manifestations of violence and prefer, in the event of a childish offense, to simply stop talking to the child, believing that education by silence is an effective thing. (Spoiler: no.)

So where is the line after which punishment = violence, how to raise children so as not to traumatize their psyche, but at the same time teach them to take responsibility for their actions? We'll talk about this in our new article. We will also figure out why children behave badly, who is to blame and what to do. How to punish, how not to, and in the end - 18 tips from psychologists that will help build a balanced education system, without distortions into punishment and permissiveness.

Punishing children

There is no other topic in terms of raising children that causes so much emotion and heated debate among parents. If in the 90s there was more debate about how best to punish - to spank with a belt or stop talking, now the battles have shifted to the field of “punish or talk,” and this is good news.

In dictionaries, the word “punishment” is interpreted as the application of undesirable or unpleasant influences to another person in order to stop or stop unwanted or anti-normative behavior.

Any punishment implies inequality because it is the authoritative coercion of someone into desirable behavior.

Punishment always includes:

• punisher - a kind of judge, legislator who determines what is right and wrong;
• punished - one who, as a result of the actions of another person, experiences suffering.

There is no doubt that it is best to explain the rules to the child, talk and tell him how to behave correctly. For most children, such conversations are enough (it is important to know and be able to talk like this). But we all differ from each other in constitution, temperament, character traits, desires, needs and much more. Therefore, there will always be children who are temperamental, stubborn, persistent in their desires, who do not want to listen and obey.

Deed or misdeed?

How to determine whether a child’s action is a misdemeanor and whether it requires punishment?

If your child, despite your admonitions, gets into a puddle again and again, most likely his goal is to annoy you. In this situation, it is better to switch the baby’s attention to another, more useful “research” activity or allow him to quickly run through the puddles (if they are warm) and take him home to dry.

But if a 4-5 year old child throws a stone into the same puddle, trying to see how splashed passers-by will react, this is no longer acceptable. In this case, you need to explain to him why he can’t do this, ask him to apologize to people and warn him that next time he will be punished for such pranks.

Bad behavior: why your child doesn't listen

What to do in situations where conversation does not help, and the child behaves destructively towards others, denies and breaks the rules? Should I endure it, swear, go to a psychologist or hang up my belt?

Of course, go to a psychologist if you feel difficulties communicating with children that you find difficult to cope with. I think every psychologist at the reception heard:

• I understand that you can’t yell, but I don’t know what to do
• He (s) doesn’t listen to me at all, what should I do?
• We scolded him (her), put him in a corner, and spanked him a couple of times, nothing works.
• Tell me, at what age and should children be punished?
• How to deal with disobedience?

Do you have children? If not, then just remember your childhood. And before reading further, do the following:

1. Write down in a column all the rewards that you use when raising a child. Happened?
2. Now write down in another column all the punishments that you use when the child does not obey.
3. Compare the two lists. Which one turned out longer? Which was harder to write?
4. Now, opposite each item, write a clear definition of what exactly you are using this reward and punishment for.

This task highlights what we don’t notice in our daily parenting routine - as a rule, we hand out punishments left and right and completely forget to reward our children for doing something good and right. Everything that a child does correctly is taken for granted by us and we do not notice it, focusing only on the negative and children’s mistakes.

Why are there difficulties in parenting?

Difficulties in raising children are associated with several things:

There is not a sufficient arsenal of means to influence a child (information problem)

The parent would be glad not to yell, but he doesn’t know how to do it differently, because, for example, there was no positive experience in his family.

Imbalance of rewards and punishments towards the latter

In this case, the motivation to follow the rules decreases (what is the point of obeying if you will be punished anyway)

Inconsistency in parenting

• Unpredictability

When parents behave unpredictably and change the punishment for the same offense (they will either yell at you, spank you, deprive you of cartoons, or simply scold you). As a result, the child does not have a clear understanding of “what happens for what.” Punishments in this case are perceived more as the impulsiveness of the parent. As a result, the child’s anxiety increases, neurotic reactions arise (after all, every time he does something wrong, the child does not know what to expect from his parents), behavior worsens, i.e., that same “disobedience” arises.

• Inconsistency

When different family members use different parenting techniques, and there are no general rules in the family. The consequences are the same as in the first paragraph.

• Inconsistency between the child’s age and the requirements placed on him by adults

There are children who by the age of 3 speak perfectly, are ahead of their peers in intellectual development, and, for example, are tall. Such a child is almost always perceived by his parents as more mature than he actually is, and they begin to demand that he perform such actions and complex instructions as if he were an older preschooler. For example, parents may be concerned that the child does not clean his room or does not put his toys back after playing. Naturally, the child begins to be capricious, cry often, and signs of neurotic reactions (tics, fears, sleep disturbances and behavior) may appear.

• Neurological or developmental problems

It happens that parents do not see developmental difficulties behind bad behavior or find it difficult to admit it.

• Hyperactivity

Attention deficit disorder can be accompanied by impulsiveness of a child and adolescent, impaired concentration and volitional qualities. In this case, children break the rules and do not obey not because they do not want to, but because they cannot remember the instructions and stay within the boundaries of what is permitted. The mistake in this case would be excessive pressure and demands.

• Inconsistent parenting behavior and unclear rules for everyone

In this case, the child’s condition can be compared to a novice driver who does not know the traffic rules. He breaks the rules without knowing about them, or hoping that he will “slip through” because he has succeeded in doing so before.

• Different parenting tactics for different family members

This can lead to neuroticism in the child, as a result he becomes disobedient and capricious.

• Many prohibitions

Sometimes parents are so worried about the safety or “proper upbringing” of their children that in the house and on the street all they hear is “you can’t”, “move away”, “don’t interfere”, “it’s too early for you”. It's like the whole world is becoming off limits. This situation is unacceptable for a child who is just learning about the world and has a strong interest in everything new. Therefore, it is logical that he “stops hearing” these prohibitions.

• Lack of attention from adults

If a child is given little attention in the family, then he begins to attract him in any way, including bad behavior. Indifference is worse than punishment for a child.

Punishments in the culture of different countries

There have been many monocultural and several cross-cultural studies regarding the punishment of children. According to statistics, 7% of cultures use corporal punishment of children, but it is “frequent” in only 20% of communities. In 82% of cultures, suggestion, demonstration of behavior examples, and other softer methods of education are most often used compared to physical punishment.

There are cultures where beating children and any kind of physical influence are not used at all. For example, Canadian Bedouin Inuit never beat children and generally give them maximum freedom. If a child behaves badly, they usually make fun of him and tease him, and if he ignores the comments, they stop talking to him.

In Japanese culture, there is a period of permissiveness - from birth to 5 years. At this time, they generally try not to demand ideal behavior from the child, do not make any special comments to him and do not limit his behavior. At this stage of development, parents only explain why this should not be done and express their disappointment about the bad behavior. However, by the time a child enters school, the child’s behavior is already strictly regulated by the rules of conduct.

At what age can children be punished?

As evidenced by developmental psychology, children under two years of age cannot grasp the connection between their incorrect behavior and disciplinary measures from their parents.

For example, Japanese parents generally do not punish children under three years of age. Until this period, the little ones are allowed literally everything. But after turning 3 years old, the child’s life is strictly regulated, including penalties for offenses.

Despite age-related characteristics, strict and clear prohibitions should appear in the lives of infants, which, however, should not be supported by corporal punishment. For example, a child should not hit his mother or stick his fingers into a socket.

Children one to two years old should also not be punished. At this age, it is better for parents to use simple distraction, transferring the child’s attention to another object or phenomenon. You should also explain the undesirability of this or that behavior, emphasizing the words “no” and “impossible” intonationally.

At about 3 years old, the child enters a period of crisis, so parents are faced with protests, the first hysterics, and reluctance to obey general rules.

It is not always possible to distract the child, and the punishment is stopping the game or refusing to purchase the required toy.

From three to five years old, the first punishments are introduced, since it is during this period that the basic rules and disciplinary measures are established. It is at this age that the child begins to stand in the corner or sit on a chair for the guilty.

After 6-7 years, corporal punishment should be abolished, if it was used before, as children begin to feel humiliation from these measures. On the contrary, parents should discuss misconduct, explain with examples the motives of human behavior, and develop empathy.

For a teenager, it is worth choosing completely different methods of punishment, since teenagers are extremely sensitive to the opinions of others and are prone to maximalism. As an example, deprivation of privileges or restriction of communication with friends.

Is it possible to punish or scold a child?

If by punishment we mean beatings and screaming, then no. If we are talking about prohibitions and methods of maintaining rules and establishing boundaries of what is permitted, then yes. There should be bans in any case.

A full-fledged parent is not one who only praises the child, but one who creates conditions for development.

This is a person who introduces the world, rules and promotes the child’s adaptation in the world and society.

If a child in the family has not learned to adhere to the rules of behavior, then he will break them outside the family, only the world will not forgive him as readily as his parents.

Boundaries in education

An important role in education is played by the correct establishment of personal psychological boundaries.

Healthy Boundaries:

• serve to maintain integrity: physical and emotional;
• allow you to build relationships with other people without conflict.

If a child was indulged in everything in the family, extremely comfortable conditions were created, then it is likely that when he goes out into the world, this world will seem too cruel and unpredictable to him. As a result, such a person is injured more than an ordinary adult and experiences enormous stress.

Permissiveness = psychotrauma

And in recent years, preschoolers have increasingly appeared on my horizon, whose behavior at first suggests the saddest thoughts - they are so aggressive, uncontrollable, and inadequate. I would like to immediately refer them to a psychiatrist, but I already know that there is no need to rush. It may very well be that these are simply victims of “free pedagogy” - children who were raised “without grief” until the age of four, were not prohibited or punished. And in case of demonstrative disobedience, they helplessly shrugged, or even began to be afraid of the child. And in order not to get involved, they were ready to give in to him in literally everything.

It seems like super-comfortable conditions, but in reality it’s severe psychological trauma, and permanent. While such a ship, without a rudder or sails, rushes only around the family harbor, it still more or less stays afloat. (And only if there is another child or grandparents in the family who have not yet forgotten that children cannot be dismissed.) But the inevitable exit to the open sea - society is fraught with shipwreck.

How can other adults react to the wild antics of such a freedom-lover? If exhortations do not help, then there is usually only one way - rejection. But the child is accustomed, on the contrary, to being the center of attention, so he experiences his outcast especially acutely. Failures give rise to resentment and a new round of aggression... The way out of the vicious circle is to change the position of the parents. If they realize it in time and build a clear system of rewards and punishments, the child can change for the better almost beyond recognition. (This happens with early psychotraumas, because the parents have not yet had time to find out what their child really is, and his true character has already been distorted under the influence of psychotrauma.)

If the process of “free upbringing” is delayed, it is very possible that a visit to a psychiatrist will become inevitable, and the matter will not be limited to one meeting.

But sometimes (fortunately, this is still rare) parents are so imbued with liberalism that it is easier for them to go to the doctor and stuff their child with pills than to change their attitudes. One of my friends came to seek advice about her six-year-old son, who had been repeatedly caught stealing. Basically, he carried various small things, but this did not change the matter. The situation was still not pleasant. When I asked how Igor was punished the first time, my mother unexpectedly harshly answered: “I NEVER PUNISHED him and I AM NOT GOING TO punish him. This is my principled position." And no matter how much I tried to convey to her the simple idea that at school, where Igorek will go in six months, no one will turn a blind eye to his “little pranks”, and then you won’t get rid of the bad reputation, my mother stubbornly insisted. Finally, thinking to scare her with this, I offered to give her the coordinates of a child psychiatrist. Maybe the child needs serious treatment? Imagine my surprise when my mother agreed to this with ease and even joy! But Igorek was not sick. Just, as they used to say in the old days, “an unworn child.” But it was easier for my mother to classify him as mentally ill than to anger the idol of freedom, which she so fervently and recklessly worshiped.

Criteria and purposes of punishment

Since any punishment is an action that causes suffering in its object, several criteria are decisive and very important when choosing how to punish a child for disobedience:

• Actions by which punishment is carried out

Their range is wide: from a gesture of disapproval or a simple verbal remark to severe beatings.

• Tools by which punishment is carried out

It could be a word or a belt.

• Legitimation

Methods of justifying punishment, proving their necessity, legality and proportionality.

Every punishment usually has some purpose. No one in their right mind punishes a child just like that, in advance, for prevention or because of a bad mood. All punishments, as a rule, come down to three goals:

1. Take revenge.
2. Intimidate so that the child does not repeat similar actions in the future.
3. Long-term changes in value orientations and motivation, changes in behavior.

Why should you not punish a child?

Experts recommend that adults build a unique gradation of offenses and disciplinary measures. This will help to understand what children should not be punished for, and when the introduction of “sanctions” is justified and, moreover, mandatory.

Punishment is acceptable if a child intentionally commits a prohibited act. The degree of disciplinary action will depend on the severity of the “crime” committed. For example, stealing money, beating a brother or sister, leaving home willfully.

Before punishment, it is still necessary to identify the motive for the offense in order to make sure that such a serious act was committed maliciously, and not out of ignorance, accident or good intentions.

It is not recommended to punish a child:

• for the desire for knowledge : jumping in puddles (to check their depth), dismantling objects (even expensive ones) into pieces, exploring one’s own genitals;
• for characteristics of age and physiology : inability to potty, hyperactivity, low level of attention, poor memory, problems falling asleep;
• for behavior caused by illness : neuroses, psychiatric diseases;
• for natural emotions : rebellion of three-year-olds, envy of other people's things, jealous displays towards a brother or sister;
• for careless actions : getting dirty on the street, spilling milk in the kitchen.

Let's consider a common situation: a child broke a teapot from an expensive set. However, when studying this case, it turned out that the baby was going to make tea and pour a mug of this drink to his beloved mother. Is punishment justified in such a situation?

No, because the action was initially positive, and the child came from the best intentions. On the contrary, the child needs to sympathize, support and help, suggesting how to avoid such mistakes in the future.

Punishments: how is it possible? 6 “legal” ways of punishment

Natural Consequences Method

This method is psychologically painless and most appropriate at any age. For example, a 3-year-old child wants to wear ski pants on a summer day. You can explain why you think shorts would be better for a walk, but you don't try to influence the decision, but give him the opportunity to see from his own experience that if he dresses like that, he will be hot.

What is understood through personal experience is remembered for a long time. When using this method, it is very important for parents not to fall into schadenfreude like “I told you so!”

Comment

Often, instead of a remark (when a parent pays attention to something), reproaches and criticism occur (“You’re always a mess!”). It is important that this is not a reproach, but a reason to look for a solution to the problem.

For example: “I get upset and angry when I step on construction kit parts scattered all over the floor throughout the apartment. Let’s think together about what we can do about it.”

Time-out

A method when a child is removed from a common space into a separate room and left there alone for a while. This allows you to temporarily increase the distance between the adult and the child and “cool down” and regulate your emotions.

It is believed that a child alone is not traumatized by a time interval in minutes that is a multiple of his age. For example, for a 3-year-old child it’s 3 minutes, for a 4-year-old child it’s four, etc. The room where you take the child to “cool down” should be bright, with a window. Under no circumstances should you use a closet, toilet or other dark room.

Ignoring

Don't reward unwanted behavior with attention. A good method, but difficult to implement - it is usually difficult for adults to maintain composure and not react to negative manifestations in the child’s behavior.

Deprivation

This is when, for violating the rules, a child is deprived of something important and desirable for himself. For example, a ban on watching cartoons or playing computer games.

It is important that the child knows the initial agreements, for what exactly and what he will lose in case of non-compliance with the rules. You can’t just deprive a child of watching cartoons if he “behaved badly” today. You must agree on this initially.

For preschool children, these rules and deprivations can be drawn or, if the child already knows how to read, written on a plastic board or piece of paper and hung on the wall. Often children behave badly not because they are evil, but because they have forgotten.

The second important point is the proportionality of punishment. A small offense is a small deprivation. It is illogical to deprive someone of watching TV for 2 months for a minor offense, and besides, it will be difficult for adults to endure it themselves.

Symbolic Economics Method

A very well-working method for middle school-age children and teenagers. When at a family council they agree with the child what actions are awarded points and in what quantity, and for what they are deprived of “points.”

It is important to develop a system of rewards, accrual and write-off of points. Then the accumulated points are exchanged for something valuable for the child. This could be something tangible (for example, buying a car, a magazine, etc.) or not (for example, an extra 15 minutes of playing on the computer, a board game with parents, or a walk with friends)

In this method, it is important that the points are not very easy to get, but not very difficult either - in both cases, motivation will be lost.

This method in a simple version is suitable for children 4-5 years old. From the age of 9-10 and including adolescence, this method of regulating behavior is best suited. It makes sense to even try to conclude a written agreement with teenagers if you cannot reach an agreement verbally.

6.1 Limitation

This is a method when, in response to a violation of important rules, a restriction of rights is introduced.

For example, for each violation of the rule, the evening curfew begins 15 minutes earlier, i.e. the child goes to bed not at 21:00, but at 20:45.

We must understand that there is not one single best way to regulate children’s behavior and instill in them good habits: some are more sensitive, others are “thick-skinned.” There are no identical children and no identical families, so it is more important to decide for yourself the principles that you will adhere to in communicating with children, and choose the best methods for yourself and your child that will not destroy anyone present, but are strategically useful for the development of the child .

What if he hates you?

This is what actually stops many parents, even in cases where “preventive measures” are absolutely necessary. Magazines tailored according to Western models and psychologists imbued with the spirit of liberalism vying to convince fathers and mothers that children will not forgive “cruel treatment”, will remember all their lives, will harbor a grudge... And who wants to be branded a sadist? Moreover, in the eyes of his own son or daughter.

But why then was there no mass hatred of parents among previous generations? Individual cases, of course, always occurred - in life, in general, anything can be encountered - but such a pattern (“if you punish, he will hate”) was not visible at all. On the contrary, children had much more respect for their parents. Until very recently, in some villages the custom of calling parents “You” was maintained. And not somewhere far away, almost in a “lost world,” but not so far from Moscow. In my student group there was a guy from near Vladimir who, when he got to Moscow, was shocked that we “poked” our parents and were on friendly terms with them. For him and his fellow villagers of the same age, this was an unacceptable liberty. And among my Moscow peers, no one wrote such sincere reverent poems about his mother, as Vasily wrote...

For centuries, from generation to generation, a respectful attitude towards parents was maintained where the upbringing of children was based on traditional religious principles. “Children are respectful of their elders, even fearful,” says an 18th-century ethnographer, describing the life of the peasants of Poshekhonsky district. “In the peasantry here, parents are very child-loving, and children are obedient and respectful. “No examples have yet been seen of children neglecting their father or mother who are outdated,” another observer wrote about the Tula province at the turn of the 18th-19th centuries (quoted from the book M. M. Gromyko, A. V. Buganov. “On views Russian people”, p. 355). “A respectful attitude towards parents and the older generation as a whole can be traced from sources throughout the entire territory of Russian settlement, although already in the 18th century, and especially in the 19th century <as liberal views on life penetrated and strengthened - approx. author> there was a slight weakening of the authority of the elderly. But public opinion still sharply condemned those who allowed themselves to treat their elders with disrespect” (ibid., p. 355).

But punishments were an integral part of the traditional education system! Moreover, they were considered not only the right, but also the responsibility of parents. “An unpunished son is a dishonor to his father,” says popular wisdom (V.I. Dal. “Explanatory Dictionary of the Living Great Russian Language,” M., “Russian Language,” 1989, vol. 2, p. 420).

And this is no coincidence, because the punishments had a deep religious basis. By allowing a child to sin with impunity, parents condone the violation of commandments and destroy the child’s soul, for which sooner or later they will have to answer before God. St. John Chrysostom spoke very definitely and even menacingly on this subject: “And those fathers who do not care about the decency and modesty of children are CHILD KILLERS and CRUELER than CHILD KILLERS, it is emphasized by me - author>, since here we are talking about the destruction and death of the soul.”

Saint John calls punishment “the mother of salvation,” saying: “... just as if you see a horse rushing towards an abyss, then you throw a bridle over its mouth, forcefully lift it up on its hind legs, and often beat it, which really constitutes punishment, but punishment is the mother of salvation. Do the same with your children if they sin; bind the sinner until you appease God; do not leave it untied, lest you be further bound by the wrath of God. If you bind, then God will not bind, but if you do not bind, then unspeakable chains await him.”

“Punish your son while there is hope, and do not be indignant at his cry” (Prov. 19:18), - long before St. John Chrysostom, the wise Solomon taught the Jews, who generally equated punishment and ... parental love: “Whoever spares the rod his own, he hates his son; but whoever loves disciplines him from childhood” (Prov. 13:25).

The instructions from Domostroy sound very similar: “Discipline your son in his youth, and he will give you peace in your old age, and give beauty to your soul; and without sparing, beat the child: if you cut him with a rod, he will not die, but will be healthier, for by punishing the body, you are delivering his soul from death.”

You can, of course, snort contemptuously and mutter something about “deep backwardness” - a persistent cliche of Soviet times, which seems to come naturally to the minds of even many Orthodox people, as soon as you utter the seditious word “Domostroy” in their presence. (Here, by the way, is an example of successful zombification without any of the latest psychotechnologies.)

But isn’t it better to think about the fact that these “backward views” are in full accordance with the principles of the Gospel? “For the Lord punishes whomever he loves,” we read in the Epistle of the Apostle Paul to the Hebrews, “and he beats every son whom he receives. If you suffer punishment, then God treats you as sons. For is there any son whom his father does not punish? But if you remain without the punishment which is common to all, then you are illegitimate children and not sons” (Heb. 12:6-8).

But here are the words of the Lord Himself: “Those whom I love, I rebuke and punish” (Rev. 3:19).

So discussions about the inadmissibility of punishment, like many other liberal maxims, seemingly humane and well-meaning, actually undermine the foundations of life laid down by God. This means that in essence they are anti-God.

And as a warning to people for all ages, the Bible gives an example of how severely the Lord punished a man who did not properly punish his worthless sons. Moreover, this man, the priest Eli, himself lived decently and did not condone the iniquities of the children, and even tried to admonish them. And his children were no longer small, but adults. It would seem, what does the father have to do with it? But “I will punish his house forever for this guilt, because he knew how his sons were wicked, and did not restrain them,” said the Lord (1 Sam. 3:13). And Elijah had to endure terrible events: the destruction of the temple and the death of both sons. And none of his descendants, according to the word of God, lived to old age. (“I will cut off your arm and the arm of your father’s house, so that there will be no old man in your house” (1 Sam. 2:31); “all the descendants of your house will die in middle age” (1 Sam. 2:33)) .

Of course, Elijah’s guilt was aggravated by the fact that his children, being priests, did not properly fulfill their duties, corrupted the people and, as the Bible says, “dishonored” God. That is why the punishment was so severe. But it seems to me that there is something here for us to think about. Especially those parents who try to follow the recommendations that are now given in many books and magazines on pedagogy and psychology. For example, like this: “If you say that the task of parents is to suppress... attacks of aggression <children - author>, then you will be mistaken a thousand times. It turns out that the goal of parents should be completely different: to teach the child to recognize his anger, and therefore his feelings in general, and to express it in a form acceptable to others.”

“You can often hear mothers, in response to their child’s phrase: “I hate you,” and in response to physical aggression, say something like this: “I know that you really love your mommy and didn’t mean to hurt me at all.” This is an ostrich attempt to soften the situation, maybe it will calm the mother a little, but it will only bring harm to the child. In fact, at this moment he hates you and just wants to hurt you, and you declare that all this is not true, thus undermining the little man’s faith in the legitimacy of his feelings and emotions.”

“But such actions cannot be ignored - this is what most parents think. And they are, of course, right. The whole difficulty is to choose the right strategy. To begin with, every mother must determine where the limit of what is permitted is, that is, you need to decide for yourself what words and actions of the child you are willing to tolerate or try to turn them into a joke. For example, I am not at all offended when my son declares: “You have no brains, you are stupid.” Most often I sigh sympathetically: “So you’re very unlucky, you have such a stupid mother.” He, of course, thinks seriously and, as a rule, forgets why, in fact, he insulted me. But my son doesn’t go to kindergarten, and there the children learn much less specific names than the ones I gave. Which of them are considered harmless, you will have to decide for yourself” (V. Malygina. “Children beat their parents. What will we do?”, “Sesame Street for Parents”, October 1998).

I won’t quote further; the direction of thought is probably clear. I’ll just say that I, in the place of some fathers and mothers, would be much more afraid not of “losing contact with the child” (another cliché that is now used to cover up the connivance of children’s disgrace), but of raising a moral monster and then paying for this “Michurin experiment” both in this temporary life and in eternal life. Practice shows that people, growing up, reconsider many of their views. At least, more than once or twice I have heard from grown men words of gratitude to their fathers for the fact that at critical moments they did not define the boundaries of “permissible insults”, but silently and decisively took up the belt. “Otherwise the prison would be crying for me,” another wiser son recently admitted. “I was angry with my father then, but now that I have become a father myself, I understand: you can’t do without punishments, sometimes severe ones, in raising a tomboy.”

To hit or not to hit?

The eternal question about the admissibility of corporal punishment, it seems, will not find a clear answer for a very long time. It’s worth remembering a little about our history, Russian proverbs, and for some, perhaps, our own experience - and the answer, it would seem, suggests itself.

But what about the fact that physical punishment frightens, offends the child, and sometimes has a negative impact on the psyche?

Ideally, it is better to do without the use of physical punishment. But there are moments - a child jumped out onto the roadway, stuck his fingers in a socket - when a slap on the butt may be the only correct decision. It is a spanking, and not frantic beatings, with the help of which you take out your fear on the child.

Calm down and reassure your baby. Explain how much it hurts you, because he is your beloved son (daughter). And next time, try to control the situation more carefully.

Not only children make mistakes, but adults too. In any case, your goal should be such an education when punishment can be reduced only to explanatory work.