Why does a naughty child do everything to spite his parents?

All loving parents dream of raising healthy and obedient children. But no matter how hard adults try to educate correctly, their growing and changing offspring often upset them with their actions. They stop listening, don’t respond to requests, and act contrary. There can be many reasons for behavior when a child does everything out of spite. The parents' mistake is that they don't even try to understand them and prefer to solve the problem with punishment. This is not a solution; moreover, such educational measures have a negative impact on the child’s psyche.

Pressure and overcontrol

Psychological suppression and strict boundaries in upbringing lead to the fact that parents are simply not heard. Even babies aged 1.5–2.5 years are able to react this way. Look and listen to yourself from the outside. Perhaps you have forgotten what requests are and have long switched in communication to orders that are not discussed. But children have an interesting feature of getting used to raised tones, and when they are not required to obey unquestioningly under the threat of punishment, they simply do not notice the difference in mood and the loud screams of adults. For them, this is the norm until it comes to punishment.

Strict parents are very creative in their “punitive” measures. By banning their favorite cartoons, games and walks, or generously handing out slaps on the head, they forget about the simple rule “aggression breeds aggression.” In the case of young children, such punishments provoke rebellion. The child is deprived of his own opinion, and he reacts with protest, acts “out of spite” and acts “in spite of”.

Another unpleasant moment. In families where mom and dad behave harshly and demand discipline, children are deprived of such a pleasant little thing as praise. If you don’t pamper them with compliments and encouragement until the age of 5–6, they begin to feel unnecessary. In the future, such children do not strive to become better, are afraid of doing something wrong, and grow up withdrawn and with a lot of complexes, such as:

lack of initiative;
low self-esteem;
vindictiveness;
tendency to deceive.

Lack of contact with parents

Parents who are too young, unprepared for another life to appear nearby, the birth of a second child, lack of time, indifference or dislike for the child, selfishness of parents, reluctance to delve into the life of a little person, career, being very busy at work and much more often lead to the fact that the child becomes lonely.

Internal alienation is followed by a state when a son or daughter tries to attract the attention of their parents to themselves in any way. One of the types of behavior usually becomes that, under any circumstances and requests, the baby begins to do everything out of spite.

It seems impossible to reach him.

Contact with a child throughout the entire period of growing up gives him a feeling of confidence and prepares him for his future life. The usual need to communicate, play together, watch TV, read books, draw, etc. causes children to feel admiration for their parents, and as a result, obedience.

A child does not obey at 3 years old and behaves badly: what to do?

The period between two and a half and three years occupies a special place in developmental psychology. This is the age when a charming baby can already do a lot on his own.

The child separates from the mother emotionally, he is no longer so dependent on her, and wants to prove himself as an independent person. Otherwise, this moment is called the crisis of three years. Every parent inevitably faces it.

The main manifestations of this period are that the child often becomes uncontrollable and aggressive. From a sweet, affectionate and obedient baby, he turns into a harmful creature who tests his parents’ patience and does everything in defiance.

The child deliberately behaves badly in order to demonstrate to close people his individual character. Why does the baby act this way, what guides his actions and how should parents react?

Causes

If your child is 3.5 years old, you have probably already become familiar with changes in his behavior. You may be depressing and worried about the fact that changes have occurred rapidly and not for the better.

The child has completely stopped obeying, he behaves terribly: he makes scandals, throws hysterics and demands that his desires be immediately satisfied. Screaming does not help here; sometimes mothers feel ashamed in front of the people around them for the behavior of their child.

What to do in this case? First you need to understand the reasons.

Defending independence

A three-year-old child wants to feel autonomous from his mother. He begins to realize that he is a separate person who has his own tastes, desires, and preferences.

Such awareness leads to the formation of an internal protest: the child refuses to eat porridge cooked by his mother, calls him names, breaks toys, and offends other children.

Sometimes it seems that the child not only does not listen to adults, but tests their nerves to the limit: he behaves not just badly, but disgustingly. During this period, many parents do not know what to do and find themselves in a dead end situation.

It seems to the child that they want to limit his freedom with some imaginary rules and conventions. And so he begins to check how significant these boundaries are for adults and what will happen if the ban is violated.

Every parent of a 3.5-year-old child knows that as soon as you forbid something for your child, he immediately begins to demand that very thing.

If the neighbor's boy has a red car, then little Grishenka urgently needs the same one! It doesn’t matter that in a few minutes he will forget about her, the moment of immediacy is much more significant for him now.

Demonstration of independence

A 3.5-year-old child wants adults to perceive him as a big boy or girl. It’s funny, but a son or daughter may even be offended if they continue to call them little in front of someone.

At this time, children begin to build a positive image of their own “I”, which is why they love to be in the center of attention and flaunt their successes. Achievements give them optimism to continue to consider themselves good.

If a child is scolded too much and reprimanded for bad behavior, then this happy image of himself may be destroyed.

Children as young as three years old dream of being independent in everything. They do not want to do anything according to the orders of adults, because every immutable truth is questioned. A thorough revision of previous rules of behavior helps them form their own view of the world, even if it is still childish and rather primitive.

What to do

Sometimes this little monster seems difficult to deal with. It’s easier for a mother to clean up the toys after him or pick up an overturned plate from the floor than to ask her beloved spoiler to do this. However, we cannot remain inactive.

If you do not set any boundaries for your little son or daughter, then the child will not feel any boundaries in his behavior. Meanwhile, it is important to know how to satisfy the child’s significant needs, and then his behavior can be corrected.

Of course, it will not be possible to avoid manifestations of negativism and violent rebellion, but any education begins with an attempt to understand each other, studying the characteristics of behavior. Little Man is no exception.

Strict adherence to the daily routine

Many parents sin by not regulating the baby’s day in any way, by not setting clear points for feeding, playing, educational activities, and rest. It is extremely important to allocate time for all these components, and it is better to include the same hours in the schedule.

Such actions help to form the habit of following the specified rules in the baby. Strict adherence to the daily routine will allow him to remain a disciplined person in the future, develop responsibility and a serious approach to any business.

In addition, when there is an exact schedule of actions that need to be performed, it is much easier for parents to be with the baby: they do not have to reassure him every minute or distract him from something. A child who follows a clear routine becomes calmer and more balanced over time.

He gets used to the fact that some events of the day are followed by others. Such predictability helps create a feeling of security, relieving anxiety, aggressiveness, and all kinds of irritation.

Prohibitions and restrictions

If you allow a little person everything, then ultimately it will result in permissiveness. Then you shouldn’t be surprised that the child doesn’t listen to you. If you give in to him once, you risk finding yourself in an unenviable role. In fact, it is extremely easy for parents to lose authority in the eyes of their child.

From an early age, your heir must understand well what is allowed and what is not. For obvious reasons, your baby should be protected from many things in advance. By the age of five, both boys and girls usually begin to clearly understand what to do and what not to do. No matter how old the child is, prohibitions must be present.

They are an integral element of proper education.

Prohibitions and restrictions, if they do not cross any boundaries, are useful for the formation of an adequate attitude towards the world and oneself. If a child is allowed everything, he will very soon stop appreciating what he has and begin to take everything for granted.

When your beloved son at three years old does not obey his mom and dad, few people will have the desire to punish him. He is still too young to realize that he is behaving ugly. But parents also need to understand their child. The child just wants to feel important and significant.

Therefore, too much should not be prohibited. By doing this you also create obstacles to development.

When are concessions appropriate?

It is important for parents to understand that if they do not pay enough attention and effort to their upbringing, the baby will very soon begin to take advantage of what is always given to him.

A child will always be able to find some weakness in the character of a loved one, and he will recognize it with ease. Nobody says that you shouldn’t feel sorry for your own child, but should be limited in everything. A reasonable approach will help you overcome any difficulties.

Of course, it is necessary, even necessary, to give in, because the child is just getting to know this world, so the most ridiculous mistakes can be forgiven.

The main thing to understand is: always leave unshakable those things that help develop character, are repeated day after day, or simply pose a danger. For example, a child should know from an early age that he should not play with fire, run across the road at a red traffic light (even if he really wants to), play around in a public place, or throw tantrums in a store.

Otherwise, you won't be able to cope with him when he gets older. Children tend to quickly get used to pleasant things. But here’s what you can give in: buy your child the desired toy, but not on demand with tears, but for some upcoming holiday. Let your child dream about some little thing, he should know that everything costs money, nothing is given for nothing.

You should give in to your child when he is sick and not feeling well. At such moments, the baby especially needs your attention and support. It would be unfair and wrong to leave him to suffer even more.

In childhood, it is so important to feel that there is someone powerful and strong in the world who can always protect you and save you from all dangers (real or imaginary, existing only in the imagination).

Explain why you are punishing

If you nevertheless resort to some methods of influence in the process of upbringing, then you must definitely explain your action to the child. Otherwise, he may be very offended and harbor anger for many years. It is unlikely that parents are striving for such a turn of events.

Sometimes it may seem that nothing needs to be explained, but this is not so. A little person is not always able to immediately compare some facts and draw appropriate conclusions.

Explaining your actions will help reduce the child’s resentment of what is happening and draw appropriate conclusions.

Punishment can be verbal and physical. In the first case, the child is influenced through disapproval from the father and mother. He begins to realize that he is not behaving in the best way.

If a child is capricious and indulges in various pranks, then the best method is to simply reprimand him, explaining why he shouldn’t behave this way. Resorting to physical punishment is not recommended.

It has been proven that this measure of influence does not help restore contact between children and adults, but, on the contrary, alienates them from each other. Physical punishment leads to misunderstanding in relationships, to the formation of various complexes, resentments, and inappropriate behavior in the future.

Five types of childhood bullying and tips for correcting it

Sometimes children not only play pranks and play around, but do everything as if out of spite, purposefully violating their parents’ prohibitions in order to enjoy their reaction. Why does he behave this way and how to nip it in the bud - we'll figure it out!

Children rarely behave ideally; moreover, an overly obedient child even looks suspicious, you must admit. But I don’t want to scold a child who, despite the warning, cannot contain his emotions and at the most inopportune moment starts running, jumping, and singing at the top of his lungs.

It’s another matter when a child deliberately commits minor dirty tricks: he does what you asked him to refrain from, perfectly remembering your prohibition and enjoying your reaction. This behavior certainly needs to be stopped immediately, and (we repeat once again) spanking is not the answer. Where is the exit?

Tips on how to calm a fussy child

From about 3-4 years of age, the child stops obeying and begins to be capricious . Often, with his behavior, he worries not only mom and dad, but also strangers. Therefore, it is important for parents to be able to adjust their child’s mood, regardless of the situation.

Effective ways to help calm your child:

Switching attention. A quick and effective method that is applicable in any situation. For example, a child is naughty on public transport. How to distract his attention? Take out your smartphone and show him photographs of birds, cartoon characters, and unusual animals. This action must be accompanied by an enticing speech: “Do you want me to show you an elephant with huge ears?” or “let me play you a video with funny kittens.” You need to act situationally.
Interlocutor mode. Sometimes you just need to talk to your baby and try to explain to him why he experiences certain sensations. In this case, you need to behave gently and carefully, without raising your voice. Bad behavior due to lack of attention can be easily corrected using this method.
Ignoring. If a child is persistently naughty, then it makes sense to start ignoring him. At the same time, it is important to observe his reaction, behavior and condition, without showing your interest. The ignoring method is best used alone with the child. The baby may not calm down for a long time and cause discomfort to others.

These are quick ways to calm a child down and prevent him from causing a commotion and throwing a huge tantrum. As a rule, when a child is already on edge, softer or, on the contrary, harsh methods stop working. For example, if you spank your child or threaten him with a ban on watching cartoons in the future, he will probably become even angrier.

Own wish

Yes, yes, yes, a child may have his own desires and preferences. Most often, children do not insist on something necessary, but simply because they want it.

Agree with his decision if the child’s demand does not threaten his health and life and this is not an ordinary whim: “buy a toy.” The best way out is a compromise!

Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds are expecting their third child

Let the child choose his own clothes for the walk, and you explain to him in advance that he needs to dress according to the weather. Find the best option between “healthy” and “tasty” food. Encourage your child to choose their own place for a walk. When there are several options, he will choose the best one rather than reject the whole idea.

Different educational approaches

Disobedient and capricious manipulators grow up in families where there is no unity in upbringing. Simply put, when mom and dad have different demands. Let’s say mom tells you that you shouldn’t hit animals, and dad, watching the baby kick the cat, laughs merrily. Children do not understand the boundaries of what is right and what is permitted. Both parents are authorities for them and most often they choose the one who allows more. It will be difficult to stop doing things in defiance of the mother in such situations, since the child understands that he has a more convenient and flexible father-protector. There are often cases when the reason for doing everything out of spite is the excessive compliance of grandparents.

Age crises

Childhood crisis periods occur at 1 and 3 years, 7 years and in adolescence. Crises are always accompanied by changes in physical and emotional development. These are not long, but very stormy stages. Behavior and character may change sharply and not for the better; irritability and protest behavior are often noted

During such difficult periods, children especially need the care, attention and understanding of their parents.

Impossible tasks

Sometimes parents want too much from their children and set unattainable standards. Overestimating abilities and capabilities, the child is asked to do something that he is physically unable to do. If something doesn't work out, he is scolded and punished. The reaction to excessive demands is the desire to do everything in defiance, disobedience and aggression. Such reactions can manifest themselves in different ways. Sometimes this is calm silence, more often violent emotions, accompanied by crying and hysterics. Any of these behavior options leads to disobedience and the desire to act “out of spite” with all the untidy consequences for parents.

Lack of love and attention

Throughout the entire period of growing up, children need constant contact and communication with loved ones. Walking together, playing games, drawing, reading, watching cartoons - all this evokes parents’ admiration, love and gratitude.

Lonely children, deprived of attention, feel internal alienation. Trying to attract attention to themselves, they are ready to do anything to make mom and dad react to their presence and show at least some feelings

Sometimes, by acting contrary and on purpose, and by refusing to fulfill requests, they find the only way for themselves to get noticed. Even negative methods in such cases produce results.

What should be the reaction to hysterics and disobedience?

As a rule, children 3-4 years old encounter aggression from their parents when they do not obey, throw tantrums, and fight . This reaction can be explained by the fact that mom and dad don’t understand how to behave. Some parents resort to physical punishment or start yelling in response. Others put the child in a corner, endlessly depriving him of toys or cartoons. But such a series of punishments rarely leads to the expected result.

Important! The child will not become “silky” due to aggression from the parents. With his hysterics, he shows and proves his independence , so none of the common methods of punishment can completely pacify him. The effect is the opposite: the baby faces opposition, sees his parents as enemies and shows even greater disobedience.

If a child at the age of four does not obey at all, parents intensify the punishments and increase their duration. From a psychological point of view, it is correct to do the opposite. constantly talk to your child , increasing the conversation time , adding clear and neutral examples.

Example in the spirit:

“The neighbor’s kid behaves better and listens to his mother,”

will not be understandable to a 3-4 year old child. Therefore, the parent must clearly define the boundaries and rules of behavior for specific situations. If a child screams in a store and asks to buy a toy, then he needs to be told: “right now I don’t have money for this thing, but if you stop behaving like this, we will buy it as soon as possible.” You can set a specific condition, for example: “I will buy you a toy if you make your bed and put things away in your room within a week.”

Violation of the ban cannot be ignored

An example of the correct construction of a request from parents: “you (addressing a child) behave calmly in the store, walk next to us (with parents), and in return we buy you something (from candy to a toy), if you have money " Another example: “you clean up the toys in the room (it’s important to add specifics), and then watch cartoons for a certain amount of time.”

An example of incorrect behavior in response to disobedience: “the baby begins to rage and cry, the mother gets angry and applies physical punishment to him in front of strangers” or “the child refuses to put away his toys, for which he is sent to the corner over and over again.”

Remember! Strict punishments and restrictions are applied only when all positive and neutral options have already been tried several times.

How can you tell if a child really knows how to manipulate?

Vera Yakupova

Manipulation is the desire to force another to act in my interests, forgetting about my own.

George Simon in Who's in Sheep's Clothing? How to recognize a manipulator" lists ways that help a manipulator control another. Among them are flattery, lies and silence, avoidance of an answer and distraction, “hanging” feelings of guilt.

The manipulator cannot say directly what he needs, because this is contrary to the interests of the victim - she will definitely not agree. Therefore, he is trying to find leverage for hidden influence. For the manipulation to be successful, you need:

Manipulation is an indirect message. The child always clearly communicates his desire or need. The baby cries and calls his parents because he needs affection and care. He doesn't have any hidden demands yet. The three-year-old is throwing a tantrum because now she really wants to go for a walk on that playground. Children do not hide their intentions, do not look for roundabout ways to influence us. On the contrary, they communicate loudly and directly what they want from us at this moment.

A child does everything out of spite: what should parents do?

Hello, dear readers! What if a child does everything out of spite? He doesn’t listen, he acts contrary to the words of his parents... I hear such complaints very often.

We will talk mainly about children under 5-7 years old. At an older age, such behavior only indicates serious problems in your relationship with him. And in these cases, it is necessary to intensively establish contact with the child and earn his trust.

We will analyze different situations depending on the age of the baby.

Child under one year old

This sounds completely absurd. Of course, a baby is not able to do anything to spite its parents. He cannot “out of spite” not sleep, cry, ask to be held, etc.

I wrote that at this age parents are obliged to satisfy all the child’s needs. Carry on your hands as much as required. Give breast on every demand. And if the mother believes that the baby is manipulating her, consciously trying to harm her... This only means that the mother is very tired... And even in the baby’s cries she sees some kind of evil intent.

I will not retell the contents of previous articles... Let me just remind you that for a baby under one year old it is completely normal to constantly be in your arms. Cry if you don't get what you want. Sleep only next to your mother. Often hanging on the chest... Not all children need all this until they are one year old. But if a child has such high needs, this is normal.

Child 1-3 years old

This is where complaints about children's disobedience are much more common. And it happens that it is very difficult for a young mother to discern the peculiarities of his development behind the “manipulation” of the baby.

“My daughter is having a one-year crisis. She does not accept any restrictions! He’s mischievous, capricious, hysterical...” - you hear such phrases very often. And I would like to say again very loudly and clearly: children under 5-7 years old cannot accept prohibitions!

Let me repeat again, this is very important. And it may take more than one year to realize this... Children under 5-7 years old are not able to perceive prohibitions!

To this there are exclamations: “No, no! I disagree! He understands everything! I see how he understands! He understands, but doesn’t listen! He looks at me, smiles, and does it out of spite!”

What does it mean to obey?

Let's explain what it means to respond adequately to prohibitions. Children at 1 year old really understand almost everything you say to them. And they really understand what you want from them when you say the word “no”. Moreover, they may “listen” to you. The following reasons:

they have almost no desire to take what is forbidden. They're not that interested;
they are attracted by the promised “carrot”, which for them turned out to be more interesting than the forbidden one. But this usually happens only after 2 years;
they are afraid of punishment. You intimidated the child, and now he is ready to give up anything out of fear. And frankly, you shouldn’t rejoice at such “obedience.”

Now listen to the main thing: I am 25 years old. I know the word “impossible.” I know you can't eat after 6 pm. But I don’t always have the willpower not to eat pies at night.

Although I don't seem to be a fool. And I was told many times that eating flour at night is very bad. Sometimes I even notice it myself in how I feel... But I still can’t give up this craving. Of course, this doesn’t happen every day, but still...

Now imagine a child. In a year, two or three. Which does not have such an organ as reason and willpower. The mind begins to develop only at 5-7 years. Before that, there are only emotions and desires. And we can't blame our kids for this...

These are the features of human development. A newborn cannot walk or talk... And a preschooler does not yet have intelligence. And he cannot perform any austerities without a powerful kick.

So, children have much stronger emotions than adults. And if adults cannot always resist their desires, then why do you expect this from kids?

Yes, the child will actively “manipulate” his parents. Do your best to achieve what you want. This is fine. He has some kind of strong desire. He is not yet able to understand how reasonable, correct, safe it is... And if a parent tells him “no”, this causes a storm of various emotions.

This is fine. And your task is not to “educate” the toddler. And do the following:

Assess how feasible the baby’s desire is. If there is at least some opportunity to fulfill it, it is better to fulfill it.
If the child’s desire is unsafe (climb somewhere too high, turn on the stove, cut mom’s coat), try to distract the child with something else. Offer an interesting game or something even more fascinating.
If nothing works out, all that remains is to gently confront the child with a ban. And accept any of his emotions. Calmly and with love.

This means that if the little one stubbornly climbs into something he shouldn’t, we simply remove him from there and take him away. He climbs in there again - we take him away again. Calmly, softly, with love. From my own experience, I will say that after 20-30 minutes the child gets bored with this game. But even if you don’t get tired of it, repeat these steps as much as necessary.

If your 2-year-old baby is pouring bath water on the floor and does not respond to the first request, you can offer her pouring from glass to glass. Did not help? So, we just pull our child out of the bath. All. There is no need to wait for obedience, or to get angry, or to try to explain for a long time about the properties of water and the risk of flooding of unknown neighbors below.

If the child starts to get hysterical at this point, don’t get angry. Please be understanding about this. Say kind words, hug, be sorry. Speak out his emotions: “How angry you are! They took me out of the bath! How insulting you are!” Empathize. But remain adamant.

If the baby does not allow himself to be hugged, also treat this with understanding and respect. We talk through emotions and sympathize from a distance. When the first surge passes, we definitely hug.

Also read the article “A 1-year-old child does not listen.”

I also want to add: it doesn’t matter with what facial expression your little one doesn’t listen. He can smile, look cunning, harmful, stubborn or any other... It doesn't matter. This is his reaction to the ban. However, in any case, he does all this not because he likes to act “out of spite”... But because he is just a child.

Your task is to nourish your baby with love. Just fill it with love. To the maximum. Not to educate, but to give maximum acceptance and love. You still have time to teach your child strictness... Until the age of 5, a child needs only your unconditional love for harmonious development.

From 3 to 5 years

In general, from 3 to 5 years old, almost nothing changes. There are only two features:

At 3 years old, a child tends to react especially sharply to prohibitions. Read about this in the article about the three-year crisis;
at 3-5 years old you can already explain a lot to a child. Of course, not always... But it’s worth a try.

Therefore, at 4-5 years old it is already much easier with children. But we still must not forget that they cannot be required to suppress their desires and great willpower.

Of course, at this age, “carrot and stick” works well. When we either bribe our child or threaten with something. However, I am against such methods of education (although they are the norm in our society). For more details, read the article “How to raise children without punishment?”

I would really like this article to be useful to you.

I also recommend watching this short video by a psychologist who tells how to reduce the manifestations of rebellion in children:

Share a link to this post on social networks and subscribe to new blog articles. I wish you happiness. See you!

Source: https://pozdnyakova.org/rebenok-delaet-vse-nazlo-2/

Little silent man

Do you ask a hundred times to put away the toys, wash your hands, put on a hat, but you’re talking like you’re talking to empty space? This behavior is even more annoying than scandals and screams! When you are openly ignored, you involuntarily raise your tone and start screaming. As a result, the picture is completely unsightly: the mother is hysterical, and the child watches her distantly.

First of all, you should remember that ignoring your requests is a form of protest. The protest is primary, and its manifestation (I don’t hear anything) is secondary. Try to figure out what and why your child is not happy. Perhaps he simply has no other way to express his opinion? You don’t hear the baby, he demonstratively “doesn’t hear” you.

Different educational approaches

IF IT'S ABOUT THE PARENT?

The opposite situation is also possible - the child’s behavior is not a consequence of his psychological experiences, but a reflection of the state of the adult caring for him. It is no secret that parents are tired of the constant stress that is created by the modern rhythm of life, work, lack of money, lack of rest, and the inability to fully realize themselves. Parents may lash out at their child because of their own excessive fatigue and dissatisfaction with their own lives, especially during periods of crisis or traumatic situations - dismissal, death of loved ones, divorce, difficult relationships with their own elderly parents. When you don’t have enough energy and time for yourself, constant demands for care from another person can become a reason for irritation.

In the process of working with a psychologist, it turned out that Marina was going through a divorce from her husband, who had left for another woman. With his departure, Marina not only felt the betrayal of a loved one, she also faced an acute financial issue, because she urgently had to look for work. Immersed in her own problems, Marina distanced herself from her daughter, became isolated in her feelings and became very irritable to any of her demands.

During the consultations, Marina was able to realize that the current situation was no less difficult for Tanya, who was also acutely worried about her parents’ divorce and changed family circumstances, so she tried to reach her mother in the only way available to her - bad behavior. Marina felt her situation was unstable, both emotionally and financially, but as an adult she could influence the situation by finding a job and turning to a psychologist. Tanechka was worried because she did not understand what was happening to mom and dad and to herself.

Although the client came to see her primarily about the child’s behavior, the focus of psychological work shifted in a completely different direction. The psychologist suggested that Marina first deal with her own state and emotions, the woman accepted this help. As a result of three months of psychotherapy, the client managed to get out of her crisis, she was able to come to terms with the situation of divorce and learned not to transfer her experiences to her daughter. The child’s behavior gradually changed, the aggression went away, but anxiety and increased tearfulness associated with the separation of the parents remained. But that is another story.

However, the cause of a mother’s unstable emotional state may not necessarily be external circumstances. Breakdowns often occur in those mothers who tend to forget about their own needs while caring for the child. It seems to them that it is their duty to completely devote themselves to the child and give him everything for development. Such women can spend every free minute coming up with interesting activities for the home, organizing everyday life to make it easy and pleasant for everyone, completely forgetting about themselves.

They naturally believe that others will appreciate their care and reciprocate with gratitude, which they often do not feel. Constant tension, accompanied, contrary to expectations, by the consumer attitude of household members, causes frustration, which gradually accumulates, periodically resulting in attacks of poorly controlled anger. In such cases, consulting a psychologist helps to understand one’s own expectations from family life and the unmet needs that lie behind them.

Different educational approaches

Age crises

During such difficult periods, children especially need the care, attention and understanding of their parents.

Impossible tasks

Lack of love and attention

Sometimes, by acting contrary and on purpose, and by refusing to fulfill requests, they find the only way for themselves to get noticed. Even negative methods in such cases produce results.

Reasons for disobedience

Children grow and change very quickly. Already at 2-3 years old they develop their own desires, tastes, moods, preferences and character. You need to be prepared for this and calmly accept any discovery in behavior. At an early age, deviations are easier to correct, but this must be done very carefully. The desire to act to spite adults can be provoked by various reasons.

IRON DISCIPLINE!

8-year-old Dima’s dad is a military man and spent a lot of time on business trips. After resigning, he decided to take care of his home and family, take control of his son’s studies and behavior so that he would grow up to be a “real man.” It seemed to him before that Dima was lazy and studied somehow. “Grandma and mom spoiled you! Iron discipline and complete order are what a man needs.” However, communication with my father boiled down to the requirement to report on what, when and how was done. It turned out that Dima does not do all his homework, and if he does, he does not always do it carefully. But the worst thing is that serious conversations and moral teachings did not lead to improvements. The boy became withdrawn, began to disappear somewhere after school, and lie when asked where and with whom he went out. In a word, before our eyes he became a typical juvenile criminal who deserved nothing but punishment. Dad was soon called to school to understand the sudden change in Dima’s behavior and deterioration in his studies. The school psychologist intervened in the situation, but it was not possible to “reason” with the father. Two years later, Dima’s parents divorced, and the boy and his mother moved to another city.

Father:

“My word is law! Today you have the following routine..."

Son:

“Why is he in charge? No one spoke to me so rudely. He’s evil, he doesn’t love me.”

Fathers often take a mentoring position. This is a cultural injunction: to be the head of a family in our country means to have unconditional authority, whose decisions are not disputed. However, this traditional family model is experiencing a crisis: mothers do not want to be only “performers”, because they also work and also guarantee the family income and status. Children expect fathers, like mothers, to explain the reasons for their decisions, discuss them, and help children set goals and plan their actions. It is clear that “democratic” and “authoritarian” parenting styles are incompatible. If parents use different strategies, the child will find himself in a difficult situation and, as you can imagine, will be more likely to choose the style that takes into account his interests to a greater extent. It is impossible to be executive and proactive at the same time. For boys, initiative and expansiveness are important - the opportunity to expand their physical and psychological space.

In addition, starting from the age of two, due to their physiological characteristics, boys can respond with aggression to increased discipline. Girls are exemplary and obedient. Therefore, it is always more difficult to come to an agreement with boys.

I myself

Yet we, parents, are contradictory individuals. How often do we say: “you’re not little anymore,” “you’ve become big,” when we ask our son or daughter to lace up his shoes, put on his coat, or don’t agree to take them in our arms. Where does our confidence in them disappear when we hear: “I AM MYSELF!” The reason is obvious - adults will do everything faster and better. Sometimes children resist being forced.

Allow the child to participate in the process on an equal basis with adults - this is how the child asserts himself

Yes, it will take more time, but it is so important that the child is calm and happy

Children do not accept your prohibitions. They do not understand their essence, their necessity and importance. What can we talk about if even an adult knows that it is forbidden to break traffic rules, but still does not fasten his seat belts? We all know that smoking is harmful, but then where do smokers come from? An adult cannot always follow certain rules in everything and, when the opportunity arises, breaks them, what then can we say about a child? A child will never act out of spite to his parents, who create an atmosphere of love and understanding in the family, teaching him to responsibilities, but without forgetting his rights

An adult cannot always follow certain rules in everything and, when the opportunity arises, breaks them, what then can we say about a child? A child will never act out of spite to his parents, who create an atmosphere of love and understanding in the family, accustoming him to responsibilities, but not forgetting his rights.

Raising a child by example

What to do if a child does not listen - advice
The best method of education is your own example. At the age of 3-4 years, children tend to imitate close people, mainly parents. Therefore, they “peep” most of their behavior from mom and dad. Accordingly, if you want your child to throw garbage into the trash can, do not allow yourself to throw candy wrappers on the asphalt. If you want to achieve tenderness and a trusting level of communication, show this in your relationship with your spouse. This works consistently and for almost all children. Spend more time with your baby, teach him, learn with him and try to show him how to do things. Empty prohibitions will never give the desired effect.

Pressure and overcontrol

lack of initiative;
low self-esteem;
vindictiveness;
tendency to deceive.

WHY DOES HE BEHAVIOR LIKE THIS?

The spontaneous reaction of many adults (especially the older Soviet-trained generation) is to blame the child for the current situation, who is supposedly completely spoiled and out of control. However, the experience of many parents suggests that tightening educational measures only worsens unwanted behavior.

Often, there may be motives behind a child’s actions that are completely unobvious to parents. Children go through difficult stages in their development; bad behavior is often associated with growth crises; in addition, it can be influenced by a huge number of factors: moving, adding to the family, a new teacher in kindergarten, etc. The situation is aggravated by the fact that the child’s behavior is largely controlled by instincts, and therefore unconsciously. Simply put, the child himself cannot explain how he feels and why he behaves this way. Understanding the unconscious mechanisms of a child’s behavior helps to accept the fact that his actions cannot be an act of manipulation.

In addition, imagining a child in the role of an enemy plotting intrigues for his parents does not at all help him to discern the hidden motives of his behavior and begin to treat him with great attention and tenderness.

Often, a child’s unacceptable behavior is dictated by a strong desire to attract the attention of his parents. This may seem extremely illogical to many adults - why would anyone need attention that takes the form of screaming and swearing? A systematic approach to psychotherapy, viewing the family as a single mechanism in which everything is interconnected, gives us the key to understanding that the behavior of any family member appears and is reinforced because it is what is effective within this family system

In other words, the child behaves badly because this is the only way in the current circumstances to guarantee attention, and other methods often simply do not work.

Children's rebellion can also be caused by a desire to influence the situation. It can be difficult for parents to get out of the “I decide everything” mode. Parents are responsible for their child and have to make hundreds of decisions every day to ensure the child’s safety and the necessary care. But the offspring gradually grows, becomes more independent, he develops his own “I” and he wants his opinion to be taken into account. This manifests itself in a particularly acute form in children in crisis at the age of 3 and teenagers, but also children whose will is constantly suppressed have to militantly defend their right to decide something in their lives. In this situation, strengthening disciplinary measures will only worsen the child’s need to defend his zone of influence.

Without diminishing the importance of the previous point that a child should have the opportunity to express his will and realize his desires, it is worth remembering that the task of parents is to outline acceptable boundaries of behavior for the child. If a situation arises where parents are inconsistent in their approach to parenting, the child is confused about what he can and cannot do and begins to check to what limit he can go.

As an example of this phenomenon, one can name a situation when adults either harshly punish or ignore the same offense, or dad and mom adhere to different educational policies (what mom turns a blind eye to causes a storm of emotions in dad with subsequent punishment of the offender) . In these cases, understanding what motivates the child will allow parents to build a new line of relationship appropriate to the situation.

Often, awareness of a child's hidden motives can in itself bring relief to parents and help them begin to treat their son or daughter with more attention and understanding.

Ways to help achieve obedience

Friends may advise parents to “ better raise ” their child. But it is not entirely clear what the principle of better education is. Either in an increase in the number of punishments, or, on the contrary, in enhanced guardianship. Everyone has their own philistine view of this, but, unfortunately, in most cases it is wrong.

First, you need to identify reasons that help answer the question of why a 4-year-old child does not obey his parents. Yes, you need to look for them in yourself and in your approach to education. But you shouldn’t write off certain features of the child’s mental development, nor should you show inflated expectations for him.

Note! Moreover, developmental features in psychology are the first factor that it is recommended to rely on in the process of raising a child of any age. Babies at 2, 3, 4 years old are different from each other. A child can begin to rebel at the age of 4 or 2.5 - it depends only on the speed of development of his thinking and perception of the world around him.

The extreme expression of disobedience is leaving home.
The main rules for achieving obedience :

When making demands, be adamant and consistent. Let's say a child deliberately broke a toy; as punishment, he was excommunicated from watching cartoons for a day. The kid subsequently apologized. But his apology or improvement in behavior should not be interpreted by parents as a promise to cancel the punishment. If there is already a punishment, then it must be carried out in full.
Demand only what the baby is able to understand and do. Instead of “clean up the room,” it’s better to say “put away the toys and make the bed.” The younger the child, the more specific you need to be in your requests.
Show by example how to do it. This is an important part that requires separate analysis. In short, the model of behavior for a child is completely determined by his parents. At the same time, it is not only their behavior with each other and with the baby that is important, but also their interaction with the outside world, with strangers.
Calculate the strength and duration of punishment depending on the magnitude (gravity) of the offense. If a child has not eaten the porridge, then applying physical punishment is stupid and cruel. Parents themselves must understand how and what to punish, so as not to overdo it.
the word “no” when communicating with your child . It is important for a child to understand the reason for certain prohibitions and punishments. It is not enough to simply confront him with the fact: “you did something bad, you are punished” or throw out a dry “no” in response to a request. A child aged 3-4 years perceives “you can’t” as a reason to rebel and break a ban.

Also, in many families it happens that a child of 2-4 years old not only does not obey, but also hits his father or mother. It is important to clarify here that such behavior appears for various reasons. The child either does not understand that this brings pain and unpleasant emotions, or, on the contrary, tries to inflict all this on his parents.

In the first case, it should be explained in accessible language that physical violence is unacceptable, as it causes pain. You can make a grimace reflecting unpleasant emotions, say “bo-bo” or hurt, pointing to the place of the bruise, or have a full-fledged conversation. It depends on the age of the child.

You should also show a more pleasant action, such as a hug or stroking the cheeks. Roughly speaking, replacing one thing with another - aggression with tenderness. If the child’s goal is to cause pain, then in most cases this desire is due to the corresponding behavior on the part of the parents - rudeness, assault. Until the parents change and stop conflicting with each other and taking it out on the child, the baby will behave aggressively.

At 4 years old, a child may not understand that this is not the way to behave.

Invasion of your personal space

Are you talking on the phone? Are you scrolling through your social media feed? Talking to another adult? And your child comes up to you with a childish question, a naive request, and plays noisily next to you. You interrupt him, ask him to “leave you alone”, to go play on your own. Do not be surprised that the child speaks even louder, interrupts, tugs at your hem, causing irritation.

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He just wanted your attention. Right now. And, if you do not reciprocate his feelings, do not later claim that you love him at every moment of your life. At these moments, hug him, stroke his head, let him stand next to you. It is physical contact that is so important for a small child; it is much stronger than your words. A minute of such tenderness will more than reward your child, and will allow you to continue what you were doing.

Your reaction matters

If you react to your child's conversation by exploding or losing control, he will respond with disobedience and disrespect. On the contrary, he will become more obedient when you are calm, cooperative and consistent. He will learn to be respectful if you respect him and others in the family. If he becomes unruly and out of control, schedule a time out until he calms down and regains his composure.

When your child is obedient and respectful, compliment him for that behavior. Encourage the behaviors you seek, including cooperation and resolving disagreements. These positive efforts will always be much more successful than punishment.

How should parents behave if their child starts doing everything contrary?

Psychologically, children are very vulnerable and not everyone is able to withstand outbursts of parental emotions without consequences. Feeling pressure, the child begins to build a protective barrier and looks for that form of behavior that in a certain situation turns out to be more effective. One of these reactions to prohibitions and orders is actions “out of spite”, which are expressed in disobedience, ignoring requests and hysterical behavior. Until the relationship changes, he will behave in a way that his parents do not like. To restore normal communication, adults will have to try very hard.

Solve problems peacefully

When a child protests and does everything out of spite, do not try to calm him down by force. This is a losing strategy. Do not demonstrate your superiority and always agree in advance. There is no need to turn off the TV and force him to immediately go to bed. Even adults find it unpleasant when something exciting is interrupted at the most interesting moment. The child will react with protest and discontent. Try and calmly inform him in advance that as soon as the cartoon ends, we will turn off the TV and go to bed.

Don't give in when trying to stop the tantrums

If Children scream, stomp their feet and throw tantrums, be patient. They use their charm well to get what they want. Many cunning people may pretend to listen and agree, but they have already decided in advance that they will do everything their own way. If you constantly give in, disobedience will become a habit.

Why can't my child hear me?

People who are prone to psychological suppression of another person are usually not heard.

If parents constantly demand something, keep the child within strict limits, or set excessive demands, then the child will not listen and the response will be rebellion and aggression. All this can manifest itself quietly or violently. If it’s quiet, then the child will simply build a psychological barrier on a subconscious level so that he won’t actually hear. He will go about his business, ignoring the requests of his parents. A violent reaction will manifest itself in resistance and behavior out of spite.

Some children have a habit of falling into a stupor. This is a kind of “inhibited” state.

He would be happy to do what is asked of him, but he cannot, his psyche refuses to perceive the surrounding circumstances. The child had already been severely traumatized, and the parents did not have the words to apologize for their ambitious behavior. They were unable to smooth the situation over. Now she has reached a dead end. He had already poured out his pain in tears and resentment before, now he is simply silent, waiting for the end of the conversation. The threshold of sensitivity has increased so much that the child cannot even withstand demands in a quiet tone.

They say that children are good actors and manipulators.

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They know how to perfectly use their childish charm, tantrums, and cunning to achieve what they want. They pretend that they listen to their parents and agree, but they have already decided for themselves in advance that they will not do that. But when their disobedience is discovered, there is always an alternative - another parent or grandparents.

Children are simply looking for support and understanding: “I didn’t do what mom wanted because mom was wrong. Really, grandma? After all, she is wrong...” A big mistake that adults make is to underestimate the authority of one of the parents, even if he really was wrong. Any controversial issues in raising children are best resolved in their absence. If the child is supported by other family members in his disobedience, it will be very difficult to achieve anything from him.

Many parents complain that their children study poorly and find it difficult to learn new information.

Do you need to figure out what lies behind this? For example, at one time, when a child studied well, many things were already extorted from him by shouting. The child has undeveloped certain abilities; in early childhood, his parents did not help him become cognitive, responsible, proactive, and aspiring. After all, it is true that some children are better at Russian, while others are better at mathematics.

Or, the child is hyperactive, the workload at school and at home does not give him the opportunity to release his energy. Sitting at his lessons, he has no interest in them, because all his thoughts are there, in the yard with the children in active games. Yes, there are children who are ready to diligently acquire knowledge.

And there are those with whom parents study every evening, spending a lot of free time on it. But even during joint activities, the child does not seem to hear what is being said to him. Screaming, impatience, emotions, beating, fuss will only aggravate the situation. Love, patience, and attention will help the child listen and hear.

Parents often do not notice how a child from diapers ended up graduating from school.

They are used to seeing him small. Accordingly, the attitude is as follows: control, distrust, constant advice and prohibitions. But children like it when their parents notice their “adultness” and trust them. If a teenager is looked after and taught like a little one, he will not accept the words of his parents. This will only become a reason for him to do everything out of spite and vice versa.

Read more: How to deal with pressure from friends?

Lack of contact with parents

It seems impossible to reach him.

Excessive parental control

It is simply impossible to fulfill all the requirements of parents impeccably and at the same time be a successful and proactive child. Very often, parents greatly limit the child’s freedom of action - only in order to avoid additional worries and leave more time for themselves.

Don't put pressure on your child. Give him instructions and requests, rather than command him. Naturally, there must be prohibitions. For example, you cannot play with a knife, stand on a windowsill, run along the road, etc. But don't yell at your baby.

Try to explain everything calmly and logically. Tell us exactly why you can’t do this and what disobedience can lead to. Often, mothers, when preparing food in the kitchen, do not allow children to play with flour, cereals, or pour water into cups and pots, so as not to have to clean up later. Thus, they suppress children’s interest and deprive them of additional minutes of joint communication.

What can you do with a chronically disobedient child?

From time to time, most children defy their parents' wishes and start doing things out of spite. It's part of growing up and testing adult guidelines and expectations. This is one of the ways in which children can learn and discover themselves, express their individuality and gain a sense of autonomy. As they spread their independent wings and engage in minor conflicts with their parents, they discover the limits of their parents' rules and their own self-control.

Sometimes, however, these conflicts represent more than occasional disruptions and become patterns of parent-child interaction. Disobedience can have many causes. Sometimes this happens due to unreasonable parental expectations. Or it may be due to the child's temperament or school problems, family stress or conflicts between his parents.

Little extreme sportsman

Some kids, despite all your requests, prohibitions and admonitions, seem to have set out to hurt themselves. They climb onto window sills, grab knives and scissors, run out onto the road and try to stick various objects into the socket.

Of course, for the first time the baby did this unintentionally; the thirst for knowledge of the world, coupled with limited experience, can lead to the most risky results. The child still doesn’t understand the explanations and doesn’t understand the consequences, but he may really like your involuntary reaction!

Firstly, you immediately rush to your child (and this, from the baby’s point of view, is already good!) Secondly, you immediately join the “game” (catch, catch up, try to take away a dangerous object - hurray, let's play!) . Thirdly, scream funny in a strange voice. Of course, then you will scold him and perhaps even spank him (why, you had so much fun, the kid wonders), but the entertainment is worth it.