One of the basic human needs is the need for communication and recognition. For a shy person, the need to communicate causes certain difficulties. What is natural for others becomes a problem for him. He is uncomfortable asking for help, establishing contacts with new people, and may feel very constrained and embarrassed when in society. Both adults and children can be overly shy. In some cases, an age-related feature in a child turns into a stable character trait.
Why is the child shy?
During certain periods of growth and development, all children are shy, although the degree of manifestation of this property varies among them. For example, girls are more likely to be shy than boys. This is due to their gender and characteristics of upbringing. Sometimes children outgrow the “shy” age, but their character remains the same. A preschooler is afraid to look up at an adult or ask for something for himself. A schoolchild is embarrassed to raise his hand in class, a teenager is hesitant to meet a peer of the opposite sex for fear of rejection. Parents and loved ones need to know why their child is very shy and how to help him.
Advice for parents of shy children
Before expressing your opinion, carefully understand the situation that could cause the child’s unwanted behavior. A shy child is afraid of being ridiculed; he regards criticism and comments addressed to him as betrayal. This does not mean that you need to praise the child for misdeeds, but be extremely careful with your comments.
Adequate and confident attitude towards yourself
- Praise increases self-esteem. It is important to praise the child correctly and criticize correctly.
- Self-confidence comes from experience of success. Only the gradual acquisition of positive experience “from simple to complex” in different areas will help overcome shyness. You can start by solving simple everyday problems. Give your child small errands (for example, buy something in a store on your own), having first explained to him in detail what needs to be done and how, to whom and what to say - this will reduce fear. If the child manages to cope successfully, praise and encourage him. As you accumulate positive experiences, your self-confidence will increase.
- Evaluate not the child, but his actions. Change not the child, but his behavior. Perhaps the child has not yet acquired the necessary skills - help him with this, this will help reduce the level of anxiety.
- Teach your child communication skills. Broaden your horizons - this will make it easier to find common interests and common ground with other people.
- Help your child resolve issues that may cause criticism from others. For example, if you are overweight, help bring it back to normal by organizing proper nutrition; if your teeth have grown crooked, consult an orthodontist - this can be corrected; Pay more attention to the clothes your child wears.
- Don't let anyone make fun of your child!
Self-confidence comes from experience of success.
Self-esteem
- Teach your child to be calm about mistakes: no one is immune from them, we learn from them all our lives.
- Every person has a combination of strengths and weaknesses. It is important for a child to see his strengths, learn to use them and not focus on his shortcomings: “I may not be a very good athlete, but I play the guitar very well.”
- Raise your children to be active and independent. Let the child have his own opinion, let him defend it with arguments. Children who are obedient and agreeable always and in everything are so convenient for parents and teachers, but by doing this we are ruining our independent personality.
- As early as possible, teach your child to make decisions and take responsibility for his actions - this is the only way to develop confidence and independence.
Timid children do not feel the fullness of life; the fight against anxiety and uncertainty takes a lot of energy. By helping your child overcome painful shyness at an early age, you will be doing him an invaluable service. As you grow older, the problem of shyness may worsen and become even more difficult to overcome.
After all, we, parents, are happy when a child is successful, joyful and feels the taste of life.
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Age characteristics
At 8 months of age, babies begin to experience “fear of the stranger,” which is a psychologically based stage of growing up. Relatives and friends, to whom the children had previously calmly walked into their arms, are often discouraged. There is no need to worry or sound the alarm – this is not shyness. This is how the baby grows up, beginning to feel his autonomy.
From one to three years of age, a child trusts relatives and friends. Strangers cause him anxiety and embarrassment. The question of why a child is shy should not worry the parents of such a child. His mother and father teach him to get acquainted and get comfortable in a new environment, instilling confidence in the little one with their presence and support.
At three years old or a little later, most children begin to attend kindergarten. Some toddlers calmly get used to their surroundings, while others are too early to change anything in their lives. There are boys and girls for whom a child care facility, due to the characteristics of their character and upbringing, is still categorically contraindicated. For a shy child, a new environment is stressful. How to ask for help, express your needs, if there is only one teacher (or two) and there are many children?
Has your little one just started school? Here he sits at a desk for the first time, then becomes a teenager, a high school student. Too obvious displays of restraint and indecisiveness at this age indicate that the child is suffering. It is difficult for him to show spontaneity and activity, to meet other children. It's hard to say “no” or insist on your own. The need to adapt to other people's ideas and dependence on their assessments hinders the development of one's own abilities and the search for a personal calling.
Shy child - is it necessary to overcome shyness?
Positive aspects of shyness
In general, many parents are not against a calm, shy child - he is very “easy” to handle, there are no problems with him. By the way, shyness, as a character trait, is indeed beneficial in many ways.
- Caution in communication. A shy child is not inclined to trust strangers. Most likely, he will not go with the first person he meets who promises him a chocolate bar.
- Observation. The child's restraint allows him to look at what is happening from afar, which develops observation.
- Self-education. The lack of contacts is compensated by self-development - a child, having no friends, often chooses books.
- Logical and analytical thinking. Shy children approach difficulties in detail, carefully analyzing and weighing all options.
Such qualities are certainly very important in life. But excessive shyness, unfortunately, can bring a lot of problems to its owner.
Shyness and quality of life
So, the period of shyness is an age-related stage, and it passes through the process of development and gaining life experience. And if shyness does not affect the child’s quality of life, there is no need to classify it as a problem.
But if this trait begins to interfere with the child’s ability to establish and develop contacts, study normally, and affects his self-esteem, then this is a reason to pay close attention to this, otherwise the problem will worsen with age. Shyness manifests itself in children who have complexes and lack self-confidence, and once it takes hold, it can eventually lead to isolation and social phobia, which, of course, will greatly interfere with a full life.
How to overcome painful shyness
How to help a child overcome painful shyness and shyness? I offer parents a number of simple tips, following which will help cope with this problem.
1. Don’t focus on your child’s difficulties. Don't laugh at him, don't label him, don't discuss your quiet one in his presence.
2. The simplest and most effective thing that relatives can give a child is communication. Pay him as much attention as possible, talk to him. When a child sees that they are ready to listen to him and that he is interesting, his self-respect grows.
3. Shyness goes hand in hand with low self-esteem. Encourage your child for any activity, for the smallest success in anything. Praise your child more often - this is the case when “you can’t spoil the porridge with butter”!
4. Develop his communication skills, teach him how to behave in different situations. The main emotion that accompanies shyness is fear of everything new: people, circumstances. Invite friends and relatives into your home, from infancy expand the circle of people with whom the child can be left - do not confine him to only the parents.
5. Pay attention to the parenting style adopted in your family. Excessive control and guardianship, as well as authoritarianism, do not contribute to the development of self-confidence. Teach your child to be independent: the more the child can do, the less he will be afraid of a new situation for him.
6. If a child’s shyness manifests itself most often in society - kindergarten, school, then it is necessary to develop his interests and abilities. These include sports and hobby groups. The theater group is very effective.
7. At home, in a playful way, practice different situations that frighten the child. For any person, unfamiliar situations are stressful; for a shy child, this is a complete nightmare. Arrange “dress rehearsals” for any new situations in the child’s life: kindergarten, “first time in first grade,” moving to another area, and others. Pay attention to the child, tell him about what he can see, hear, and what he can do.
8. And, of course, be patient. Be with your child in all difficult situations for him - literally hold his hand. And watch carefully when he stops being afraid - then you can let him go, giving him the opportunity to get used to it on his own.
Be a support for your child in any situation, showing restraint and calmness - this will instill confidence in him. And then your child will easily overcome excessive shyness or shyness - and will be happy!
Author: Irina Ivannikova
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Questions of concern
What to do if a child is too shy, what can his uncertainty and fear indicate, how can parents help their son or daughter overcome negative experiences that prevent them from taking a deep breath? Should we try to “restructure” a baby if he is shy by nature? These questions have always worried parents. The answer to them lies in the individual characteristics of the minor: character, temperament, upbringing, environment, home environment, and so on. You can help your child, but parents must understand the main thing: the child’s well-being largely depends on them.
Control or permissiveness
Controlling parents often convey excessive strictness and an authoritarian approach to parenting. The child is surrounded by obsessive attention and care, his every step is checked. Parents of this type are proud and focused on external evaluation. Their child must be the best; adults are not interested in his real inner world. Instead of empathy - criticism and evaluation. Instead of sincere interest, there are indications of the successes and abilities of other children.
The opposite of control is overindulgence. The lack of clear boundaries and lack of emotional support are its main symptoms. The result of such “education” is extremely similar to the result of drill with predominant control. The child perceives himself as weak and insignificant and suffers from feelings of guilt. Controlling parents and adults with permissive parenting styles may wonder why a child is shy, but unfortunately, they rarely understand that the reason is themselves.
“And here they are, the conditions...”
Separately, the influence of a dysfunctional family should be highlighted. Perhaps there is violence in such a family environment, or the parents suffer from alcoholism. There are many options. Children from such families are convinced that the world is unsafe and they do not deserve to be treated well. The feeling of embarrassment for their family poisons their lives and makes them shrink in shame. Also, the formation of a healthy “I” structure is at risk in those children who have lost their parents or were torn away from their mother early.
If a child is shy... Advice for parents
We need to change the approach to the baby. Close and trusting relationships will help. It is worth learning to use active listening and “I-statements” techniques in a conversation. There is no need to admire your child for any reason, but you should praise him for real, albeit small, achievements. It is useful to assign responsible tasks and thank them for their completion. You need to talk with respect, even if there is a child in front of an adult. You cannot raise your voice at a child and compare him with other children. Let him be convinced that he is important in himself, just as he is, then his self-esteem will begin to strengthen.
Fathers often worry even more than mothers that they have a shy child. “What should I do?” they ask, especially if we are talking about a boy. Fathers of sons need to understand that courage and determination will not appear at will or at the will of an adult. To develop such character traits, a child needs parental support. A father should always be on the side of his baby, not scold him for cowardice, but protect him, be a support. Then the child will gradually overcome his shyness and in the future will become courageous and brave, like his father.
Each person's personality is unique. Children are no exception. Parents make a mistake when they spend energy and time “remaking” a little person. He will never exactly live up to expectations because he has his own way. Wise parents do not cherish dreams of an ideal toddler; they are attentive to their real children, know their needs and come to the rescue when necessary. They know why a child is shy or too active, as they are responsive to any of his characteristics. Even flowers open in an atmosphere of trust and friendship, so the main advice to adults is to treat children seriously and respectfully. And don’t forget that their happiness and well-being is in your hands.
Where does shyness come from in children?
Shyness (shyness or timidity) appears as a result of lack of self-confidence. The child is afraid of receiving a negative assessment and hearing criticism addressed to him from others: teachers, educators, peers, strangers or unfamiliar people. In this situation, the child does not believe in his own abilities, he is constantly worried that he will not succeed and will be ridiculed.
We can say that shyness is a character trait, because even twins raised in the same family under the same conditions have different personalities, as well as “levels of shyness.” The more emotional and sensitive the character, the more susceptible he is to criticism, the more timid the child will be.
The child is afraid of getting into an awkward position, so he tries with all his might to get away from situations that cause him anxiety and stress.
