How to react correctly when a child whines and is capricious, answers family psychologist and mother of five children Larisa Surkova:
— A child, like any person, seeks the attention of other people. Therefore, feedback for him is a very significant factor in his life. Unfortunately, today a child too often finds himself in a situation where the adults around him are constantly working, busy with themselves, with household chores, or on social networks.
So in the classical sense, whims are a call to communicate, and this attempt often does not end in anything good. Parents are angry that they are distracted, they shout at the child, scold him, and can hit him in the butt. This establishes a very bad cause-and-effect chain: you act capriciously, and after that you receive attention, even if it’s in the form of scolding. Many mothers and fathers are firmly convinced that their baby is super capricious. And they write in the comments to my posts on Instagram: “What you offer as a “cure” is nonsense. It is impossible to come to an agreement with my child. He yells all the time and is dissatisfied with everything. And the only thing that can silence this monster is a blow to the butt.” The fact is that children (especially small ones), by and large, don’t care whether they pat them on the head or hit them on the butt. If only they would give feedback. Therefore, they will continue to whine and be picky. After all, the method works! And adults are convinced that the only possible way of interaction is assault.
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If you continue in the same spirit, the vicious circle will never be broken. Sad and comical situations arise when we see quite adult children (8-9 years old) who behave wonderfully at school and calmly enter into normal interactions with other adults, because whims do not work with teachers. But as soon as such a child leaves the classroom and meets his family, he immediately begins to whine and whine. Here he is walking down the street, and everything is not right for him. They swear at him, he calms down for about five minutes, and then it all starts again. Arriving home, the “monster” doesn’t want to do his homework, doesn’t want to eat, he doesn’t want anything at all. Only parents can change this situation - simply because they are older and wiser. And this is their task - to pull themselves together and begin to react to whims differently. What exactly can be done?
Causes of children's whims and hysterics
Children's whims and hysterics
When a baby appears in a family, the same question is often heard in the house: “Why is he crying again? Is he just being capricious or maybe something hurts?” . Children grow up, learn to speak, but whims still continue to drive parents to complete despair. Everything that adults call whims - lying on the floor, throwing things around, refusing to do what you are told - is how children react to their internal state or “problems” in the outside world. What are the causes of children's whims and hysterics?
- When the child begins to show his whims, you need to observe his condition for several hours. Often, whims can indicate the onset of an internal illness. Adults also feel the approach of a cold, but they don’t allow themselves to be capricious.
- However, most often through capricious reactions, children pave the way to permissiveness. If a child is forbidden to do at a party what he is used to doing at home, he will start yelling, demanding his due.
- Another situation is that the word “no” is said with equal frequency at home, at a party, and on the street. Girls and boys, due to the early understanding that such a life can no longer continue, expand the boundaries of what is permitted with screams and tears.
The most difficult situation is when some significant adults say “you can” , while others say “you can’t” . In this case, whims are not just the beginnings of manipulation, but also the question: “So what should I do?” . Worth knowing:
- Children's behavior is a reflection of their state of mind and home environment.
- The youngest family members are acutely aware of conflicts between parents , mother and grandmother, etc. Moreover, they understand perfectly well that if it were not for the tense situation between adults, they could spend more time with loved ones and people they already love.
- There are whims, but they are not real . We are talking about stubbornness, curiosity, the desire to be independent. Stubbornness cannot be considered bad behavior. The first has its own direction - it expresses desires.
- The child explores how his behavior affects adults , and then uses different practices to achieve his goal. It would be a good idea to listen to the little man’s demands and think about why he puts forward them.
Why is curiosity often confused with whims?
- To explore the world, you need to expand the boundaries of what is permitted , which, in fact, is what the baby does: he grabs things that are not given to him, says words that irritate his parents, and climbs into places where he was forbidden.
- Kids love to test the boundaries of what is permitted . In such a “game” they feel like researchers. Psychologists in such cases talk about the manifestation of the research instinct. When children's wishes meet the fears of adults, screams, tears, and insistence on one's own are used.
- Toddlers rushing to become independent can be identified by the following phrase: “I myself!” These words make some mothers' hair stand on end. After all, “I myself!” - this is pasta thrown into a pan, raising a fountain of hot splashes, a plate flying to the floor, small fingers pressed by a door, etc.
- Children do not agree with adult logic and therefore are often puzzled by overestimating their capabilities. This is where grievances stem from the fact that access to certain things and places is prohibited. It’s even more upsetting when adults redo everything after them. Conversation is the lifeline here. Even a one-year-old baby needs to be explained why it is better for an adult not to be near the oven.
When explaining why you shouldn't do something, allow your little boy or girl to try everything that is actually possible to try. For example, when saying “when something cooks in the oven, it is very hot ,” you can bring a small hand closer to the heated door so that the child feels the warmth.
It is impossible to get rid of pseudo whims forever, but there is a chance that some arguments will be heard by the child.
Whims of children under 1 year
To understand whether a child under the age of 1 year can be capricious, we suggest understanding the psychological characteristics of the baby’s development:
- Newborn crisis
The crisis manifests itself between birth and 2 months. This is a very important stage in the development of a child. And the timely occurrence of a crisis is the norm. Your child should react to the approach of an adult, make sounds (vocalizations) when communicating with his mother, and respond with a smile. Weight loss is the main sign of a crisis.
- Infancy
This is the second stage of child development up to one year. Most often it appears from the second month to a year. At this time, the baby communicates through emotions. And it is important for parents to pay great attention to communication. Gradually, the baby utters its first words and explores the world through actions with objects in the environment.
Crying and babbling during this period indicate a desire to establish contact with an adult. And when the child begins to speak independently, the crisis is over.
Having studied the most important psychological characteristics of children during this period of development, we will try to figure out whether the whims of a child under one year of age carry something serious.
What are whims? Can a newborn baby be naughty?
Whims mean various whims and stubbornness. At an early age, the child’s basic needs and feelings of discomfort are hidden under the guise of whim. Sometimes, when mothers call their baby under the age of one year capricious, they misinterpret the definition itself. After all, a child’s crying and restlessness at such a tender age is the only way to communicate with his family. There are no words in their arsenal, gestures are also still poorly expressed - all that remains is to roar. And there may be several reasons for frustration. The first, natural ones - the child wants to eat, his diapers are wet, or he is cold. It is also possible that the baby asks for help when something hurts. A caring mother will immediately help the baby.
- Make sure baby is dry. Babies often signal the need for a diaper change by crying;
- An important cause of concern is the baby's hunger. To avoid this, you should feed your baby on time;
- If you have already fed your baby and are sure that there is no more discomfort, but he continues to cry, the cause may be gas or colic. One of the most common reasons for the capricious state of children under one year old;
- Changes in weather, magnetic storms. It’s already difficult to choose a specific recipe. Pay more attention to your baby on this day, carry him in your arms, sleep together;
- Continuous crying may be evidence of some disease (see article on common ailments of newborn children);
- From the age of three months, teeth can become the cause of whims. Yes, don't be surprised. The gums begin to swell, the child puts everything that gets into his hands into his mouth, there is abundant salivation - these are the main signs that teething teeth are bothering him. And even if they come out only in 2-3 months, the problems begin now;
- Daily regime. Children need strict adherence to this. This applies to feeding, sleep (clear sleep on a schedule will relieve nervous tension, and the child will whine noticeably less), walks, games, developmental activities and even free time. The child reacts sharply to one element that falls out of the regime. A restless day awaits you here
