7 reasons not to spank a child, only 3 prohibitions and no punishments. ban on aggression

Currently, the topic of whether children's spanking is necessary as an educational measure has become very relevant. The most common opinion is that this is acceptable on the part of the closest relatives, that is, mom or dad. At the same time, similar actions on the part of kindergarten teachers, nannies and other persons to whom a child is left in temporary care are regarded as illegal. In order to find out what effect spanking a child’s bottom has, you need to turn to the opinion of psychologists.

What not to do

You can't hit your children. Even for educational purposes, you should not rely on physical strength. Even if it seems that there is no other way to explain and when patience is at its limit, you should not raise your hand. This will not solve the problem, but will become fertile ground for the development of new ones. Fixing them will be much more difficult.

Why you shouldn’t hit a child on the butt with your hand or a belt

Often young mothers, and even fathers, admit that they spank their baby on the butt. The goal is to bring your son or daughter to his senses and calm him down.

Dad is about to spank the baby's butt

Parents do not think that they are not hitting, because they clap lightly. But this is a physical impact, even if you hit not with a belt, but lightly touch it with your hand. If such methods are used frequently in the family, the baby will lose trust in his parents. He will doubt whether he can trust mom and dad in difficult times, because:

they hurt;
make him feel uncomfortable;
humiliate;
invade personal space.

From an early age, the child is taught that no one has the right to touch him, that he is free to choose with whom to contact, who to hold by the hand. And here the parents themselves are shamelessly breaking boundaries. And the baby no longer understands why such behavior has become acceptable.

Parents should not have any thoughts about whether it is possible to hit their children on the butt. Even a minor spanking can lead to serious problems.

Is it possible to hit a child's hands?

When hitting their son or daughter on the hands, parents most often try to prohibit them from going into dangerous places or touching things that the baby could ruin. But this is also physical violence.

The baby is in pain and does not understand why his parents were angry. He just wanted to play, he was interested in exploring the surrounding space. You need to talk to a child, even the smallest one, explain what can be done and what it is better to refrain from doing while the parents are not around. For example:

There is no need to hit the baby's hands if he pulls them towards the hot kettle. It’s better to put it away so that the baby can’t reach it or accidentally touch it. At the same time, you will have to explain that it is dangerous, it will hurt and pretend that you got burned.
If a child grabs markers and tries to decorate his father’s passport, there is no need to use force. Give your child paper to draw on.

Child draws with felt-tip pens

Otherwise, the baby will lose the desire to explore the world, he will begin to fear that pain will follow any discovery.

Sometimes children are hit on the hands if they start fighting themselves. The baby swings at his mother, and she spanks him in response. But this will only do harm:

will increase aggression;
will provoke a new hysteria;
will destroy the bond between parent and baby.

If the baby gets angry, then his hands need to be gently stopped. You need to hold the child, hug him so that he cannot move. But the baby shouldn't be in pain. You will have to sit in this position for some time, you can sway slightly. Gradually, the baby will calm down and begin to resist less, then you need to loosen the tight hug.

Is it possible to hit a child on the lips?

When a child swears or screams loudly, parents may slap him on the mouth. Even if the blow is not strong, the baby will feel unpleasant. He will be offended and may withdraw into himself. This is a direct path to the fact that the child will stop sharing his experiences.

Mom swings at her daughter

Why you can't hit him on the head

Sometimes, in order to strengthen their arguments and punish the child, parents slap him on the head. It's not so much painful as it is humiliating. But, swinging, you can miscalculate the force and harm the baby. The baby will experience really severe pain, which may lead to health problems:

the physical and mental development of the baby will slow down;
vision and hearing will be affected;
neurological problems.

An alternative to spanking

There is no need to try to be the perfect parent from the picture. Allow yourself anger, fatigue and other emotions. Talk about them with your child. Explain why you did this. Don’t consider it shameful to apologize to your child.

Psychologists recommend the following alternative methods to physical punishment and spanking on the butt:

Explain to your child the consequences of the action, why it is so bad to do. Examples from cartoons and fairy tales work well.
If the baby’s life is not in danger (he doesn’t stick anything into a socket, doesn’t lean out of the window, doesn’t try to run across the road), let him understand from his own experience what his behavior is fraught with.
If the child is hysterical, its acute phase, give him the opportunity to yell. Even in a public place. This will require gathering all your strength into a fist so as not to react to people passing by and delicately asking them not to interfere. When the hysteria subsides, hug him.
Place the child in a corner. Calculate the time based on his age. A minute for a year of life.
You can send an excessively naughty baby to another room.
Deprive him of cartoons or games on the tablet, a trip to the entertainment center, or sweets. Something without which its development will not suffer. You shouldn’t “take away” your hobby as punishment.

Don't threaten in vain; if you promise, do it. This way you can create clear boundaries.

Never bargain with your child, do not let him manipulate you.

How then to punish a child?

But how then to raise children? What if shouting and hitting is ineffective? Sometimes you have to punish a child.

Here I have to remind you that preschoolers have a very poorly developed area of the brain responsible for self-control. They sincerely want to behave better, but at the very moment of the event, with a strong desire, they cannot control themselves. Not because they are being harmful, not because they want to annoy you, but simply because of their physiology.

Therefore, your words will not help. A child is educated not by words, but by consequences.

Step 5 - respond to the child’s negative behavior as calmly as possible.

The child does not care in what way he receives attention from the parent - good or bad. If you react to good behavior with an emotionless “well done”, and to bad behavior you get emotional, shout, wave your arms, then which option will the child choose? Completely reverse your reactions.

When a child plays calmly or helps you clear the table, jump for joy, and when he scatters or does not obey, remain calm. You will see changes very quickly

Completely reverse your reactions. When a child plays calmly or helps you clear the table, jump for joy, and when he scatters or does not obey, remain calm. You will see changes very quickly.

Where do evil parents come from?

When my husband and I realized that yelling and assault did not work, we began to look for other ways to restore a peaceful environment in the family.

I’ll say right away: everything worked out very quickly when we understood the main reason - happy, rested, fulfilled parents do not break into yelling, much less spanking. Therefore, we need to start with the main thing.

No amount of psychology will help if your physical condition is close to critical. You can work as much as you like with the best psychologists in the country, but if you are very tired and sleep little, you will one way or another break into shouting and assault.

If we don’t get enough sleep regularly, a lot of the stress hormone cortisol is released into the blood. This hormone makes us aggressive and irritable. And it is stronger than any psychological gadgets.

“This is so right, it’s a pity I didn’t understand this a few months ago. The exhaustion was severe, vomiting every day. I didn’t even know it was possible to be so tired! The children and my husband, of course, were the first to be hit, and I honestly tried to control myself, and then I started crying all day long! My beloved husband took me on vacation without children! I miss the children, but I will bring them the best mother.”

“Sometimes my daughter asks me: “Mom, did you get enough sleep?” Well, because I often say that I didn’t get enough sleep, that’s why I’m angry.”

Reward methods

Children must be both encouraged and punished. A child is a small, not fully formed creature; he knows no boundaries, he has no clear boundaries, no understanding of life. All he knows is what we put into him. The child’s good deeds, his victories, efforts and efforts must be encouraged. And the best encouragement for a child is the recognition and praise of his parents.

The more a child hears encouraging, warm words from mom and dad, the better he develops, the easier he learns, the stronger and more self-confident he becomes.

We praise children constantly. We tell the girls all the time how beautiful and smart they are. We encourage their every achievement, desire to help, manifestation of compassion and mercy. I can say that this method is already bearing fruit: their hearts have absorbed so much love, tender words, warm glances, kisses and hugs that they simply cannot help but share it with the world!

Psychological effects of corporal punishment

Low self-esteem. The child will be guided throughout life by the principle: whoever has the power is right.
Impact on the child's psyche, developmental delay is possible.
Lack of concentration in lessons and games.
Projection of the same behavior onto your own children.
Most children who are physically abused become child abusers in the future.
The child stops living in reality, without solving the problems that have arisen, without studying.
There are always feelings of fear and a desire for revenge.
Punishment and humiliation leads to loneliness, the child feels alienated and unwanted.
There is a distance from parents, relationships deteriorate. If violence is used in a family, there will be no common ground.

Psychological consequences also include frequent restlessness, a feeling of confusion, fear, and increased anxiety. Appetite may worsen, the child may sleep poorly, and hyperactivity may increase.

To spank or not?

However, many French parents think that a spank on the butt cannot be considered corporal punishment.

Veronica, a mother of two girls (Juliette, 3 years old, and Valentin, 11 months old), admits: “Before the birth of my second child, I was categorically against corporal punishment. I don’t hit children, of course, but sometimes I spank the older one when she makes the little one cry. It’s hard with two children, I’m tired, I don’t have enough time for the eldest, I often lose my temper and spank the girl just automatically. I don’t like this at all, and I would like to find some way out.”

Psychotherapist and author of many books I. Fiyoza comments: “One of the consequences of such spankings is that the child gets the impression that problems can be solved with violence. Children who are spanked by their parents are more aggressive and more likely to have difficulties in school. Psychologists and psychotherapists have long noticed this.

But now we know exactly what is going on in the minds of these children. This is fear and shame. And it also stimulates the amygdala, which is responsible for stress. And the child’s entire body comes into this state. And the child no longer knows how to react to fear. If he is spanked often, he becomes desensitized to this punishment. His fear simply disappears. “You can do whatever you want, I don’t feel anything, I’m not in pain, and I’m not afraid.”

If this happens very rarely, if the parent then asks the child for forgiveness and explains to him (“you ran across the road without looking around, and there was a car there, and I was very scared for you”), it’s not scary. Unless it’s the kind of slap that then makes the child’s head buzz... But if slaps and slaps become regular, the child no longer trusts either his feelings or the parent who spanks him, and this breaks their connection, their affection.

Even the threat of a spanking should be avoided. If you shout “you’ll get it from me now,” the child becomes aggressive, and the parent thinks that the child is provoking him. He thinks: yeah, you really want the belt, so you'll get it. And spanks the child. And the child even feels some relief - after all, he is no longer threatened...”

Did you feel like your hand was ready to slap you in the face? Stop. If the child is already big, leave him and go outside; if he is small, go to the toilet and close the door. The main thing is not to see the child. When you see his scared eyes, signals go to your brain, the amygdala gets excited and needs to be calmed down in order to gain the ability to think. There are many more tricks: inflating a balloon, drinking a glass of water, drinking water through a straw, etc. After all, the problem is that when we start yelling or fighting, we teach the child: if you are angry, then screaming and throwing up your hands is the right thing to do. If we show how we try to cope with emotions, he will learn to keep the situation under control.

Obedient children

What kind of children are obedient? Psychologists are sure that absolute obedience is unnatural for a normal, cheerful child who is in good health. Children are absolutely obedient:

with a phlegmatic character;
with congenital diseases;
with weak immunity;
intimidated by punishment.

Children who are phlegmatic by nature do not bother anyone, do not create problems and do not distract adults over “little things.” Such children do not need to be beaten with a belt and spanked on the bottom - they do not set a precedent. However, with this type of character, it will be difficult for a child to adapt to a society where most people are sanguine or choleric.

Children who are naturally sick are also “obedient”: they do not have a source of additional energy for curiosity, which causes parents’ displeasure. What is a process of learning about the world for a child causes criticism or anger from parents. “Don't go near the socket! Who did you tell?” Mom shouts. Do you think the baby will listen? He will climb anyway, and then get hit in the butt with a belt or hand. Curiosity is one of the reasons for disobedience.

He was beaten with a belt many times and these methods of education left a deep wound in his soul. This is just an ideal child: he doesn’t complain about anything, doesn’t ask for anything, doesn’t irritate adults. But how difficult it will be for him in life, mom and dad have no idea! This will be an adult with a full set of phobias and complexes.

Why can't you hit a child? There's no benefit to it

Physical punishment as a method of education is a definite, unequivocal “no”. And no: “Oh, we were beaten, and nothing happened - we grew up to be normal people...”

Well, first of all, “normal” and “happy” are different concepts. Are you sure you don't have psychological problems? Do you easily remember the moments when you were beaten by those closest to you - people who, on the contrary, should have always protected you?

And secondly: good, you are lucky - you grew up normal. But do you like today's society? Do you like morally unstable, inadequate people who later easily turn into maniacs, flayers, and murderers? Maybe, after all, past generations made mistakes in their upbringing?

Put yourself in the child's shoes. How does he feel when you hit him? Fear, humiliation, helplessness, weakness...

How should children react to beatings? The natural desire of any living creature is to protect itself. Just think about it! Your baby, whom you love so much, is afraid (!) of his mother, wants to protect himself from her, to hide!

By the way, what will you tell your child if he suddenly comes up and hits you when you refuse to turn on cartoons or give him extra candy? “Ay-ay-ay, you can’t fight!” Are you, grown-up aunt and uncle, allowed to fight?

But that's exactly what you do. They asked me to eat soup - I didn’t listen - splash! They told me to put the toys away - I didn’t listen - splash! Spilled milk - splash! Are these really such terrible crimes for which it is necessary to leave indelible marks on the soul of a child? Then beat yourself if you overslept, broke a plate, or responded harshly to a colleague.

Understand - strong threads are breaking, the connection between you and the child is collapsing, and his limit of trust in you is exhausted. You, called to protect, betray and cause pain. You, strong and big, beat the small and weak. What must a child do to deserve such a severe punishment?

Why do we beat children? Thus, we want to force them to do what we need, to show them that they are wrong, to punish, to teach them a lesson... But is it really impossible to find normal methods?

Your strike is only “effective” in one specific situation. The child stopped spoiling things because he is afraid of punishment. Believe me, as soon as you are no longer around or he is confident that he will be able to avoid retribution, he will return to his old ways.

What will stop him is not his conscience, not the voice of reason, but only fear, which is not eternal. If a child gets straight A's, fearing your punishment for bad grades, he will stop learning and learning new things as soon as he gets rid of your control. Force in this case is the weakest method.

In addition, a child who is in fear simply cannot assimilate information normally. He becomes numb, freezes and generally has difficulty understanding what you are telling him. If we add physical pain to this, it will be too much for the baby.

You beat a child because of your own incompetence, powerlessness and helplessness. This shows that hitting is okay. That violence is the norm, even between the closest people. And why, if it’s possible for you, is it not possible for him, for example?

Understand that there is no benefit in beating children, especially in the long run, especially if you think about the consequences. Yes, the child will shut up this minute, stop chasing the ball around the apartment, start solving examples... You will achieve your goal. But what is the point of this if he does it not of his own free will, but simply because of an animal fear of pain? How can you train a child like an animal?

Learn to control yourself. Think about the consequences. Why don't you hit the boss who pisses you off? Relatives you don't get along with? Neighbors who listen to loud music at night? With them you find the strength to hold back because you understand what the consequences may be. Because you know: this behavior of yours will not bring any benefit, but will only aggravate the situation.

Now vividly imagine the worst consequences of beating a child. He will be afraid of you, not trust you; will carry the grudge against you throughout his life and will suffer from it; will become neurotic; will grow up to be a complex, insecure, unhappy person... the list goes on for a long time. And think: is your momentary weakness and irritation worth all this?

How to control yourself. You can count to ten, wash your face with cold water, start meditating, eat a bar of chocolate - choose any method that is effective for you, the main thing is to stop before you lay your hand on the most precious thing you have.

How to stop without hitting a child

Before spanking your child, try to pull yourself together. Yes, it is difficult when emotions and lost control take over the situation. Psychologists advise doing the following before hitting a child on the bottom:

Leave the room, lock yourself in the bathroom or toilet

It is important to avoid eye contact. Fear in his eyes strengthens the work of the parent’s amygdala, making it more difficult to calm down and pull himself together. You can drink water in small sips and breathe deeply. It helps to take a balloon and inflate it. Close your eyes and imagine a cloudy shore, a blooming spring garden, a snow-covered park and how you are having fun there with your baby. Any meditation technique will help.

Moms in a state of prolonged stress or postpartum depression should try to devote at least a little time to themselves.

Why can't you spank a child?

You can disagree with psychologists and assure yourself for as long as you like that light spanks and slaps are good for children, that in this simple way they will quickly understand what they can do and what they should refrain from doing. However, this is just self-deception, and here's why.

A child learns through imitation

If you regularly spank your child, be prepared for the possibility that he will one day hit you, a sandbox buddy, or a pet.

In this case, your words that “You can’t fight” or “Don’t you dare hit your mom” will have no effect on him. The child will quickly learn that the big can hurt the little, and the strong can hurt the weak.

Self-esteem decreases

Children's sense of self is created primarily by their parents.

A small child does not yet understand the cause-and-effect relationship between a spanking and his bad deed.

Slapping a two-year-old baby in your hearts because he broke a car will not teach him to be careful when handling things.

On the contrary, he will begin to consider himself bad and will think that broken toys are more valuable to you than he is.

“I was hit, I’m bad and don’t deserve love,” that’s what children think. And with each blow, their self-esteem decreases more and more.

The child gets used to spanking

Probably, after the first thrashing, the baby will listen to you and stop being naughty. However, make no mistake, this did not happen because he repented and realized that he had done wrong. The child is simply scared and wants to return your goodwill and love.

If physical punishment has become commonplace, children begin to perceive it as inevitable and do not change their own behavior.

Spanking does not teach internal control

Children who receive “first number” from their parents do not learn to control their actions.

They need approval, a person who would say what is right and what is, accordingly, wrong.

Such children live by the principle: “I won’t do this, otherwise I will be punished.” But ethical standards are much more important: “You can’t behave like that, because it’s bad.”

Hitting people is a crime

Physical force is the use of force, that is, an action that is wrong and condemned by any society, and sometimes even criminally punishable.

You won't beat your colleague who did something wrong at work, will you? How is your child different from other people?

Writing about your own powerlessness

The main argument of adults is that the child is simply uncontrollable and does not respond to other arguments. However, in this case, the problem is not in the child himself, but in your relationship and inability to cope with children.

By handing out slaps on the head, mom or dad admits to weakness and thereby lowers their authority in the eyes of the child.

This means that children’s provocations will continue.

Mistrust of parents

Corporal punishment destroys trust between family members, breaks affection and love.

Agree, it is difficult to love the person who spanks you.

This method of education is effective only because children are still small and cannot oppose their parents with their own strength. Sometimes childhood grievances carry over into adulthood, making it difficult for grown children and aging mothers and fathers to get along.

Decrease in intelligence

Meanwhile, American psychologists conducted a study showing that the level of intelligence among children who are regularly spanked by their parents is significantly lower than that of their “unbeaten” peers.

And discipline and obedience are better in that group of schoolchildren to whom adults are more loyal.

Reasons for refusing children's spankings

Psychologists are unanimous in the opinion that in the vast majority of cases, going beyond what is permitted is the normal behavior of a child who wants to learn about the world around him. Of course, we are talking about, for example, measuring the depth of a puddle or tasting the snow. In addition, in this way children test what can actually be done, what cannot be done, and also the strength of an adult’s character.

It is very important to let your child understand where it ends and cannot begin. To avoid a riot, you must adhere to a few simple rules:

clearly and unequivocally condemn the bad act;
set a simple, clear rule (or several) in advance;
Explain these rules to your child;
always adhere to a line of behavior according to which a bad deed is condemned, but this does not make the child bad.

When punished, children should not feel deprived of parental love. Some psychologists insist that spanking children is unacceptable. This point of view is based on the following reasons:

A slap is a blow. It is absolutely forbidden to hit children.
This is a manifestation of the weakness of parents. Spanking can only affect the baby physically; they have no other tools for this.
Most likely, after a spanking or blow, the child will think that he is not loved. He will begin to act in accordance with this false delusion.
Spanking is a deterrent, but not a solution to conflict. The child does not admit his guilt, but begins to be afraid.
The child may develop the opinion that hitting is good. Such a conviction can greatly harm him in the future.

The famous French psychotherapist Isabelle Fiyoza, in her writings on child psychology, has repeatedly put forward the idea of why it is impossible to spank a child. If parents solve a problem using physical force, then this habit takes root in the child from childhood. Most likely, as a teenager he will resolve disputes and conflicts at school in a similar way. In the future, such children are recognized as difficult, which leaves an imprint on their entire life.

Children imitate their parents

Results

Let's figure out why parents resort to violence against their children? Do they have the right to do this? Theoretically, they do: the baby is completely at the mercy of the adults. The dependent position gives parents the right to go too far for educational purposes at any time. However, this is simply an excuse for their pedagogical failure: mothers do not want to waste energy convincing their baby. The simplest and easiest way is to hit the butt with a swing.

The educational process is never smooth and takes a lot of mental energy from adults

However, it is important to demonstrate patience and understanding towards the little person. Why can't you hit children? Physical impact:

harms health;
cripples the psyche;
provokes retaliatory aggression;
creates a feeling of embitterment.

Many kids withdraw into themselves and try to distance themselves from the endless stream of criticism. Over time, you may end up with an uncontrollable teenager who is angry and violent. It is better not to use physical force for educational reasons.

Psychologists' opinions on children's spanking

Each parent very often thinks about how to properly apply educational measures to their child, and which ones should be chosen. Trying to find out whether simple spankings on the butt are necessary at all, adults turn to psychologists for advice. Unfortunately, even with such a responsible approach, parents do not receive a definite answer, and the question hangs in the air.

In the modern world, the majority of children's specialists who deal with psychology in Russia and abroad take the position that physical influence on a child is unacceptable. Any touch that can be characterized by the expression “spanking,” much less “beating,” from their point of view should be regarded as illegal.

On the other hand, we can say that in Russia there are remnants of Soviet education, which to some extent included corporal punishment as an effective educational measure.

Researchers say that the habit of spanking has very deep historical roots. In Europe, spanking was used for many centuries to correct disobedient children.

Currently, the hypothesis that corporal punishment leads to serious psychological trauma has not been scientifically confirmed. It is worth emphasizing once again that this applies only to moderate physical impact, such as a spanking on the butt, but without the application of noticeable physical force.

Thus, the prevailing opinion at present is that it is still possible to spank a child on the bottom for educational purposes.

It is important to do this under certain conditions