A child is afraid of the dark: advice from a psychologist

January 31, 2017

Averyanova Sveta

In the darkness of the night, fears come to life even in adults. What can we say about the kids! The child navigates the world around him, relying on the main sensory systems: visual, auditory, tactile. And the largest percentage of information is received through vision. Darkness is a factor that deprives this opportunity.

As soon as it gets dark outside the window, the child’s brain strives to compensate for the lack of visual information and turns on other senses at full capacity. It is then that shadows, sounds and tactile sensations appear that frighten children. Of course, all this not only interferes with a peaceful sleep, but sometimes also traumatizes the baby’s psyche.

Uncontrollable fantasy draws in many details and circumstances, which become night terrors. And parents need to first understand why the child is afraid of the dark, and then fight the fear.

Where does the fear of the dark come from?

Movement is the basis of child psychology. Moreover, not only the child himself is constantly moving, but also his mental processes. Past experience is transferred to new events, and what is incomprehensible or unknown is thought out and completed. A child is able to create something that an adult would never even think about.

There is no smoke without fire. The reason for children's fear is not always obvious, but it is always there and is hidden in age-related psychological changes, the environment, social experience and even characteristics of thinking.

There are simple and natural reasons for any age-related or situational fear. If you understand them, it will immediately become clear how to rid your child of the fear of the dark.

Features of the child's psyche

Rich imagination and imaginative thinking; the emotionality of perception, memorization and reproduction of events and images - all this makes the child’s psyche very sensitive to “provocations” that lead to an exacerbation of the fear of the dark:

watching “non-children’s” TV shows and movies;
retelling action-packed, frightening stories;
horror stories invented by adults as educational and deterrents to a child’s unwanted behavior;
strangers who evoke frightening associations;
stress and conflicts in a society (environment) that is significant to the child;
numerous and strict prohibitions.

Some statistics

8 out of 10 mothers note that their children are afraid of dark rooms. The survey was conducted in families of children of preschool and primary school age. With the same frequency (80%) the fear of the dark is inherited. For 10% of people on the planet, the fear of the dark persists throughout their lives, and for another 2% it develops into a pathological condition - a phobia.

A painful attitude towards darkness, night and twilight is called nyctophobia or achluophobia. These numbers could be much lower if parents sought professional help in a timely manner.

When a child is afraid of the dark: age characteristics

Until the age of 3, a child is not yet fully aware of himself, so fear of the dark most often manifests itself as night tantrums. Much here depends on the psychological state of the mother: if she is calm and does not experience any bad conditions, the baby calms down quickly enough. Until the age of 3, children do not yet have sufficient experience of visual representations and fantasies, so they can rarely explain what exactly they are afraid of.
After 3 years , the child already separates himself from others and realizes that he is afraid for his life. If he has managed to collect enough frightening images, he can explain that he is afraid of monsters, skeletons, a black hand or other “horror stories” that he saw in cartoons, heard about them in fairy tales or from other people. In fact, the baby simply gives his unconscious fear of death a certain form, trying to somehow “call it by name.”
At any age, there can be stress factors that provoke a child’s night terrors, fix him in a state of fear, and even cause psychological trauma. Let's talk about this in more detail.

Recommendations for parents

What to do if a child is afraid of the dark? The most valuable advice in this situation: when entering into battle with monsters, try to be as sincere and interested as possible. Children are very sensitive to parental deception.

Believe in monsters with your child

The first and most important thing that mom and dad need to do is to sincerely believe in the existence of fear and what this fear causes.

For a child it is real!

An attempt to rid a child of the fear of one or another frightening image with the words “does not exist” and “does not happen” will lead to the opposite effect. The child will feel misunderstood and lonely. He will be even more scared.

Maintain self-esteem

Second, never call your child a coward or compare him to other “brave children.” This way you will add uncertainty and low self-esteem to your child’s fears. And even worse is the thought that he is not loved. And, conversely, high self-esteem and awareness of one’s importance for parents give confidence and strength in the fight against the frightening darkness.

Play against fear

Third, create an atmosphere of psychological comfort around the child (not to be confused with permissiveness!). Go through all the troubles of age together, hand in hand.

As for fears, as Voltaire said: “What has become funny cannot be dangerous.” A game, a well-chosen fairy tale and good humor are your best helpers:

Observe with your child what “terrible” shadows are cast by the most banal things in the room (a stack of clothes on a chair in the corner, a shirt on “hangers”, a hat on a shelf, etc.
), laugh, write a fairy tale or poem about it;
play with forest animals, first using children's tunnels, and then a darker version of the “mink” made of a thick blanket;
draw your worst fear, and then use a special “magic” pencil or brush to add funny elements and laugh at this fear;
come up with and play travel games with overcoming obstacles (blindfolded, for example), be sure to make fun of and defeat the villains;
play in a theater for which blackout is not just the norm, but the rule; puppet, shadow, dramatic, satirical - the main thing is that the terrible and evil is successfully and cheerfully defeated;
hide-and-seek and blind man's buff with sensitive adult supervision

Psychocorrectional work with older children

Children may develop fear of the dark at the ages of 7, 8, 9 and 10 years. There was no such problem before. This symptom is a serious reason to visit a specialist, especially if the child declares: “I’m afraid of mirrors.” And he doesn’t want to approach them. The age of 7 for a child is another turning point when he learns to perceive himself as an adult with his own characteristics, feelings and opinions.

Fear of mirrors is most often triggered by self-doubt, dissatisfaction with one's appearance, or mythical conjectures. A psychologist will help teach a child not to be afraid at this age. Sometimes it is advisable to use medications. Usually, mild sedatives and vitamins are sufficient to reduce brain overload and relieve unpleasant symptoms.

Advice from a psychologist to help a child overcome his fear of the dark:

find out the reason;
work on correcting fear with your child;
reconsider your behavior in the family circle, find out how your child is doing with communication at school;
increase physical activity by enrolling in additional sections;
find something you like for your child, in which he can reflect his fears: drawing, modeling, appliqué;
For schoolchildren, a graphic test is an excellent prevention: in an essay, the child must describe his fear, then you should explain to him what he is afraid of and convey to him that a monster is nothing more than words.

Games to get rid of fears

Play is present to one degree or another at any age stage of human life.

For children, this is the most accessible and simplest way of learning. Therefore, the game method can be used both in working with a three-year-old and a junior schoolchild; both with boys and with young princesses. Brief training in the game will make it easier to accept darkness in real life.

Hide under a blanket together, look at the shadows on the wall during the day, compare the images of the shadows with the shape of the clouds. In a word, teach your child to distinguish reality from fantasy. Remember your own childhood and play with colored spots (you need to find meaning in a colorful spot on paper), and then do the same with black paint.

Games that can help overcome fear are very diverse. It is also important that they affect the child’s personality as a whole: self-esteem, self-confidence, communication skills, volitional processes.

In search of treasure

The apartment is equipped with lighting of varying intensity (from full illumination to complete darkness). Clues are laid out to help the players search for the “treasure”.

When the child becomes interested in the game and is no longer afraid of the dark within the game, you can use complication elements or turn the game from a quest into an obstacle course:

blindfolding;
imitation of a web;
wet elements;
various sounds, etc.

Family Day

If a child is afraid to sleep alone, the situation of ordinary family life is played out, where family members are toys. Day and night are regulated by lighting. When night falls in the story, the child puts away toys in a dark room, sings lullabies, tells fairy tales, etc.

By helping to relieve fear from a favorite toy, the baby steps over his own fears and does not notice how he takes this important step for the psyche. A few minutes later it is day again, and the doll family lives according to its usual routine.

Variations of your favorite games

With dolls and toys, you can use games of hide and seek and blind man's buff in various versions: either people or toys are hiding. Let your child feel the excitement and joy of playing with you. He will become more confident, and fear will gradually recede. Partnering with parents in a playful setting is also a wonderful way to work through communication difficulties and self-esteem issues.

Puppet show

Ordinary toys and dolls for puppet theater (gloves or puppets) have always been a good help for an effective way to combat fears - writing fairy tales and funny stories.

When a child himself comes up with a fairy tale about his hero and his fears, he transfers his own anxiety from the internal plane to the external one. And a small psychological miracle occurs - a safe emotional and sensory processing of all children's anxieties. After the game, in which the hero calmly went to bed, the baby himself will be able to fall asleep without anxiety.

Another form of existence of a magical story is therapeutic fairy tales. You can come up with them yourself or read from a specialized collection.

Shadow play

This type of theater in itself is impossible without the contrast of light and shadow. Teach your child to create shapes, change their size, and animate them. Just don’t even make jokes with scary images (dads are often guilty of this).

Draw bunnies, mice and donkeys until the child is ready to meet the shadow of a wolf or bear.

Fear has big eyes

You can play this game with children aged 3-7 years. Mom or dad must be present in the room in the evening. When your baby is trying to see the image of another monster in the dark, turn on the light and show that it is just a shadow from a pile of clothes or scattered toys. “So that this doesn’t scare you anymore, let’s clean up the room?” - what is not a motive for the development of cleanliness.

Draw your fears

The projective techniques used by psychologists are also available to parents. For example, the “Non-existent animal” technique and its variations - “Scary animal”, “Evil animal”, drawing tests “House, tree, man”, “Stars and waves”, “Forest (three trees)”.

Ask your child to depict all the things that scare him at night. During the day all this stops “working”; during the day it doesn’t scare me. And making it funny is as easy as shelling pears. Brownie or Babayka suddenly become red-haired, illiterate dunces, and Baba Yaga cannot fly in her decrepit mortar. Add as many details as necessary to make the character funny and not scary.

Ways to overcome the fear of the dark

So, to teach your child to cope with the dangers of dark rooms, at any age up to early adolescence (10-12 years old), you can use universal means:

A game;
Fairy tale;
Drawing;
Conversation;
Satellite.

Much has already been said above about games, fairy tales and drawings.

But tools such as conversation and companion can be used as an addition to overcome nighttime anxiety.

Conversation about darkness

An interesting observation: many children are afraid of the dark, but only a few of them are afraid of the theme of space. Almost all children from 3 to 10 years old are attracted to other worlds, planets and stars. Talk to your child about this.

Perhaps cosmic darkness and a starry sky projector will help turn a scary children's room at night into a majestic interstellar cruiser. Buy themed wall decals or a floor mat.

Best friend is a toy

Any toy, not necessarily a soft one, can become a companion. Some children like to place several small animals next to them. Moreover, both boys and girls can do this until the end of primary school.

Busy day

And one more important note for moms and dads. In order for a child to fall asleep quickly and easily, he must be calm emotionally and sufficiently tired from the day's activities. Organize a daily routine and follow it, sit your baby down for dinner no later than 2 hours before bedtime, alternate physical and intellectual activity, and do not play stimulating games before bedtime.

What is possible and what is not

Give free rein to your child's imagination. Let the baby play as he wants. Your job is to motivate and guide. Let one of the heroes find himself in a situation similar to the real one. From this moment on you need to act very subtly. A number of rules should be taken into account:

You cannot completely and unconditionally agree with all the child’s fantasies; at some point, you should redirect or even stop the flow of children’s writings.
Humor is the best way to do this.
The other extreme is also dangerous - complete disbelief in the child’s stories. For you it is a figment of the imagination, but for him it is a terrible reality. Your arguments that these fears do not and cannot exist will not help and will even worsen the problem.
Gently convey to the child’s understanding that there is no shame in being afraid. Fear protects a person from rash actions; you just need to learn how to control it.
Scolding someone for being afraid of the dark is also completely useless: in addition to the fear of the dark, there will be a fear of being punished by their parents. Remember: you won’t be able to wean your child off fears. But learning to live without them is necessary and important.
Stop intimidating: with the phrases “Babai will come”, “I’ll give it to Leshem.” You should also not allow watching scary movies and cartoons. Avoid stress. Follow your daily routine and diet, avoid late dinners.
Use night lights that do not create shadows. It is better if the light is soft and warm. A good option is a salt lamp in the shape of a moon or planet.
Be patient. Be mindful of age specifics. At 5 years old, fear of the dark is the norm; it must be overcome together with the child without irritation or haste, and preferably with a smile.

Draw your fear, give it a name and try to scare it

I put her on my lap, rocked her a little, gave her colored pencils and paper and asked her to draw her fear. With a trembling hand, the girl scribbled a brown monster in the center of the sheet. After that she had to draw herself. A microscopic female figure appeared in the very corner of the sheet.

“Well done, Lisa,” I said. “Now give the brown monster a name.” “This is Grumpy Bear,” the girl answered without hesitation. “What a correct name! - I was delighted. - After all, Grumpy, when he comes at night, whispers to you all sorts of nasty things that you told me about. You know what, from today on you will grumble back to him? Until now he has been scaring you, but now, on the contrary, you will scare him, okay?”

The baby pressed herself against my skirt. “I can’t scare him,” she squeaked. “As much as you can! - I encouraged her. - I will teach you. We will train during the day on how to scare Grumpy, and at night you will do it yourself at home. And I’ll also tell you one secret: grumpy bears, if you frighten them, turn into harmless, cute teddy bears. And little children who bravely interact with grumpy bears grow into big, strong girls.”

I took a second sheet of paper and drew on it a smiling girl in the center, and at her feet a small lying bear cub, whose fur stood on end from fear. “This is how it should be in the future,” I said. - You agree?" The girl rolled off my lap with an energetic movement. Her “yes” sounded more confident.

Advantages and disadvantages of co-sleeping

As mentioned above, many experts advocate co-sleeping. How is this useful? And is it really useful? First of all, we are talking about the baby’s tactile contact with his parents. Skin-to-skin contact is extremely important for a child, especially in the first months of life. After all, a mother who feeds, warms, cares, and looks after also gives a feeling of comfort and complete security. Proponents of co-sleeping cite several important points in defense of their chosen position:

tactile contact. Closeness with the mother gives the baby a feeling of closeness that he is accustomed to during 9 months in the womb. He feels his mother’s smell, her warmth, hears her heartbeat. This allows you to avoid stress on the nervous system and make it easier to adapt to new conditions. It has been noticed that babies who slept with their mother for the first months of life grow up calm, suck milk and breasts more actively, and grow better;
prevention of sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS). The main cause of the syndrome comes down to the cessation of breathing of the newborn, and co-sleeping is an excellent prevention. Why is that? When the baby sleeps next to his mother, the REM sleep phase predominates, which reduces the likelihood of complications in the respiratory system. And in the REM sleep phase, the brain develops more intensively;
positive effect on lactation;
reduces the mother’s anxiety, helps get rid of postpartum depression and prevent it;
strong nerves and calm. Mom doesn’t need to listen to the slightest rustle and jump up at the first sound, which means she’ll get a good night’s sleep. Adequate sleep will help maintain strong nerves and good mood. The problem is relevant. After all, during the first 2 years of a baby’s life, parents lose approximately 180 days of sleep. And if the baby sleeps nearby, then the losses are reduced to 100 days.

Sleep is an important part of the life of a person of any age. It is no less important for health than food. Adequate rest allows you to return to normal after stress, fill up with energy, and children grow in their sleep

Therefore, it is important to create the most comfortable conditions for relaxation. We've sorted out the advantages of sleeping together, now it's time to discuss the disadvantages

Cases of children being strangled by their mothers - some consider such stories to be horror stories, but still this possibility cannot be ruled out. When a baby lies close by, then on an intuitive level, the mother’s sleep becomes very sensitive. But sensitivity may be dulled, for example, if a woman has taken a sedative or is very tired. There are other disadvantages of parents and baby sleeping in the same bed:

parents, unwittingly, share germs and viruses with their child;
violation of the intimate life of parents;
if a child gets used to sharing a bed with his mother, it will not be easy to wean him off this;
the child may become highly dependent on the mother in the future.

Each person solves the problem in his own way, based on living conditions and other factors. Experts, as well as ordinary mothers and fathers, have not come to a consensus regarding the advisability of sleeping together.

To avoid accidents, you should adhere to the following restrictions:

There is no need to take the baby to bed if mom and dad took sedatives or sleeping pills or drank alcoholic beverages.
There were no soft objects (blankets, pillows) near the baby's face.
There should be no gaps between the bed and the wall where he could fall through.
Mom and dad must be non-smokers.
The child should lie between the mother and the wall, but not between the parents or on the edge of the bed.
It is advisable to choose a hard mattress.
You need to remove your jewelry.
You can only sleep on the bed, and the folding sofa is not suitable for sleeping with a baby.

Regardless of the place, the baby should sleep on his back. What conclusion does this suggest? If you still decide to put him next to you, then prepare for the fact that the time will come to teach your baby to sleep separately.

How to act out a skit about fear with your child

Here is an excerpt from the dialogue that we practiced with her, while I played the role of Grumpy.
It got dark outside. Quietly, Grumpy enters on tiptoe. He crawls onto the windowsill and sees Lisa in the crib.

Grumpy: Uh, Lisa, so I came to pick you up!

Lisa: Okay! I really want to see what a bear's den looks like. I hope you tidied it up, I really like order...

Grumpy (to himself): Well, here's another one! Lisa is not afraid of me at all! She's even going to check if the den is tidy - just not that! It's a complete mess there! But I know how to detain her... (To Lisa): Look how big my paws are! I can scratch you with them!

Lisa: Come on, give me your paws here! Are the nails clean and properly filed? Hmmm, it seems to me that even in this weak light I can see that there is a lot of dirt under your claws. And with such paws you dare to come into my room! First go and wash yourself, and then maybe I will allow you to come in.

Grumpy (to himself): What happened to Lisa? I can't scare her even with my big paws! And I still need to wash them! Ugh! I don't really feel like doing this. But I still have a mouth... (to Lisa): Hey, little one, I'll eat you!

Lisa: This is exactly what I don’t advise you to do. I have strong bones, they will get stuck in your stomach. And your tummy will hurt a lot. And if one of my sharp bones hits your intestines, you'll have to go to the hospital and have surgery. But you know, in the hospital they treat grunt bears poorly, they only love human children...

Grumpy (shaking, to himself): I give up! She's too dangerous for me! I'd better go look for another victim that I can scare. Nothing will work out with Lisa!

Lisa: Hey, Grumpy! Don't be a coward! Now that I'm talking to you so cheerfully, are you running away from me? Come by at least one more time tomorrow evening, let's chat!

Grumpy (running away, in the window): I can’t promise you that. You are too smart, too brave for me. I become very small in front of you.

Lisa (laughing, following): But you’re actually just a little teddy bear who thinks something about himself! Come again, don't be afraid! If you behave well, I'll let you crawl under my pillow...

Grumpy disappears.

Should a fearful child be taken into the parent's bed?

Should you take your child to your parents' bed if he is afraid to sleep alone? No. If the child cannot fall asleep alone, then it is better to initially stay with him in his room until he falls asleep. Or leave him a night light, come up with another protective ritual, for example, arming the child with a flashlight.

Why shouldn't you take your child to your parents' bed? He must learn to cope with fear on his own, and not seek protection from his parents. Yes, parents should protect him with support and selection of methods to combat fear, but the goal of all these actions is to create an internal base of confidence and a sense of security. But if the child becomes a frequent guest in the parent’s bed, then this will not happen. And the relationship between the spouses will suffer.

When to sound the alarm

With competent actions of parents and their calm, consistent behavior, children's fears disappear on their own. However, there are situations when turning to a specialist - a psychologist or psychotherapist - is justified and even necessary.

If a 10 year old child is still very afraid of staying and sleeping in a room without light. Such adult children normally clearly distinguish fiction from reality and stop imagining monsters under the bed. If this does not happen, the child may need professional help.
A son or daughter regularly wakes up at night in hysterics, screaming loudly, and talking about death.
Fear causes panic attacks - suffocation, fever, dizziness, nausea and numbness of the limbs.
Sudden onset of fear of the dark in a large child - a primary school student. Most likely, this indicates a stressful situation at home or at school.
You should contact a psychologist in the case when you feel and see that you yourself can’t cope, you lose your composure, you think that your offspring’s fear goes beyond all limits, and you don’t find ways to stop being afraid of the dark and resume a calm life.

Fear is considered something negative, unnecessary, inappropriate, which has no place in the life of a happy person, and especially a child. In fact, this is just one of many emotions - it is impossible to completely avoid it, and attempts to aggressively fight it end with its intensification and the emergence of other psychological problems. Recognizing the normality of fear, allowing yourself and your children to be afraid sometimes is the only true tactic that allows you to gain a sense of security, comfort and peace.

Author of the article Alena Kirilenko

Alena is a regular expert on the PupsFull portal. She writes articles about psychology, education and learning and games for children.

Causes

Fear of the dark is often associated with the fear of monsters, beasts, and zombies. And in most cases this is explained by the child’s actively working imagination. However, fantasies do not arise just like that.

The child watches programs that are not appropriate for his age

Preschoolers practically do not differentiate between reality and fantasy, so they can transfer the plot of any cartoon or movie to their own lives.

What if we are not talking about fictitious stories, but about real frightening events that the child heard from the news? It doesn’t matter to him that the incident happened in another city or even in another country. The child makes only one conclusion: “I am in danger.”

Parents are scary

Some parents and grandmothers, for educational purposes, intimidate children so that they behave well: “I’ll give it to the uncle to the policeman,” “I’ll take you to Baba Yaga,” “It’s not Santa Claus, but Krampus who comes to children who behave badly on New Year’s Day.” .

Yes, maybe the child begins to behave better, that is, he suppresses his emotions, needs, and independence. However, this certainly doesn’t make him any healthier. Constant tension results in fear of the dark.

The child sleeps alone

Natural fears can be associated with social ones, for example, with the fear of loneliness. If a child is punished by being sent to his room, or he spends a lot of time alone because mom and dad are busy, then the room becomes the personification of loneliness. Read more about mistakes in parenting →

Darkness only intensifies those experiences that are relevant during the day. It’s just that this is not so noticeable during the day, because the child is busy with himself, life is in full swing outside the window, and daylight keeps his mood at an acceptable level.

Psychological problems

Behind the appearance of monsters, the child’s personal experiences may be hidden: suppressed aggression and anger, pain and other emotions that he cannot cope with on his own.

Nightmares

If a child is afraid to sleep in the dark because of nightmares, this indicates internal tension. This is a reaction to stress, which is associated with problems in the family, conflicts with classmates, overwork, and other experiences.

Fear of death

A child may become afraid of the dark after being introduced to the concept of death. Perhaps someone explained it to him as “falling asleep and not waking up.” That is, it’s not the darkness itself, but the fear of falling asleep and the fear of dying.

Permissiveness or excessive demands

Parents must be consistent in matters of upbringing, and the child must have responsibilities and rights. He needs a system, a regime. This helps you feel confident and safe, and avoid internal chaos.